When Squiggy met Mule

Chapter 52

2006-01-27T06:39:00.000-08:00

Mule stammered a couple of times before he could say anything.

“Boy, you got some big boobies!” he said.

The waitress got a pained expression on her face and stepped back a couple of steps. Mule was fixated on her bosoms.

“Dadgum!” he said.

“Uh, thank you,” the waitress finally said.

“You’s welcome. Can we see em?”

“Can you what?”

“See em.”

“My breasts?”

“You betcha!”

The waitress glared at Mule. “No, you can’t.”

“How come?”

“Cause. I don’t go around showing people my boobs.”

“You should. They’s nice.”

The waitress started walking away. The other waitress continued to stand next to Squiggy, who was shaking his head.

“Sorry bout my buddy,” he said. “Mule’s kinda retarded at times.”

“He acts it,” she said.

“Technically I ain’t retarted,” Mule chimed in while watching the other waitress walk away. “I’m challenged.”

The waitress giggled, causing her boobs to shake. Squiggy watched every movement. “We need to make you laugh more.”

“How come?”

“Never mind. Can you get us some of them wings?”

“Sure can. Want anything else?”

Mule was trying to read the menu. “They got any breasts on here?”

“Naw, but they’s all round us,” Squiggy said.

The waitress laughed. The comment sailed over Mule’s head. “I do like the breasts,” he added.

“What do you guys want to drink?” she said.

“Beer,” Squiggy said. “Lots of it.”

She took the order and walked away. Mule was still struggling with the menu. “I don’t know what…”

Suddenly, he jerked upright and looked at Mule. He had a pained expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Squiggy said.

“Tummy.” Mule jumped down from the stool and started waddling around looking for the bathroom. He couldn’t figure out where it was. With every passing second, the expression on his face got worse. He cornered a waitress carrying two beers. “Where’s your john?’

“My what?” she asked.

“The john.”

“I don’t have a john.”

“The toilet!”

She pointed toward the bathroom, clear across the building. Mule looked back at Squiggy with a terrible look on his face. This was going to be tough. He started waddling off toward the bathroom, stopping every few steps when a bad cramp hit. After it passed, he would start again.

The waitress brought Squiggy the beers and the wings, a big batch. He was tearing into one as soon as they were placed on the table.

“Where’s your friend?” she asked.

“He had to crap,” Squiggy said.

“Oh. Okay. Where are you guys from?”

“Langford.”

“Never heard of it.”

“I’ll show it to you if you’d like.”

“I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.”

Squiggy was cramming a wing into his mouth, splattering barbeque sauce all over his face. “He here?”

“No, he’s working.”

“What does he do?”

“He’s a police officer.”

Squiggy nodded. That made things more challenging. “I don’t much care for cops.”

“He probably wouldn’t much care for you either.”

Squiggy nodded and downed about half his beer in one shot. “What about you?”

“What about me?” she said and moved closer to him.

“You got a thing for me?”

She giggled. “I’m not going to answer that. What about you?”

Squiggy tore a big chunk of a wing. His mouth was about half full. “What about me?”

“You got a thing for me?”

“Yep, a big thing.”

She laughed and patted him on the back. “Just how big is this thing you have for me?”

Squiggy started to answer when he looked across the room and saw Mule running toward them. He had never seen his friend so scared. Mule was out of breath by the time he got to the table.

“What’s wrong?” Squiggy said.

Mule saw the extra beer and downed it in one swallow. “We best get!”

“How come? We just got here!”

Mule looked at the waitress, hesitant to say anything in front of her. He leaned over and whispered the reason in Squiggy’s ear.

“You clogged up the toilet?” Squiggy said, loud enough to be heard at the nearest tables.

Mule nodded. “It’s like running over.”

“How’d you do that?”

“I guess I must’ve been backed up. Then I used too much buttwipe paper cause they got the cheap stuff and I couldn’t get cleaned. First time I flushed, nothing happened. Then I flushed it like three or four times in a row!”

“What happened then?”

“It all started bubbling up and coming out of the toilet.”

“Everything?”

“Everthing.”

“Don’t worry bout it,” Squiggy said. “They’ll…”

He looked across the room and saw several men sprinting toward the toilet. They didn’t look all that happy going in and were even less so after they walked through the mess to get out. Squiggy saw two of the men talking to each other. One of them said something to the other, who started pointing at Mule.

The two men started advancing toward them. Neither one looked all that happy.

They arrived at the table and confronted Mule. “What did you do to the toilet?” said the bigger man.

“I took a dump in it,” Mule said. People at all the tables were staring at him.

“You ruined the toilet!” said the other man.

“Naw, I just clogged her up.”

“No, you ruined something. We can’t get the overflow to stop and are going to have to get everybody out of here. Do you know how many health violations you caused?”

“Uh no, how many?”

“Out!” said the first man, pointing toward the door.

“But I ain’t ate none of them there wings,” Mule said.

“Take them with you, but you and your friend have got to go.”

“No that ain’t right,” Squiggy said. “I ain’t done nothing wrong.”

“It doesn’t matter. Your with him so you have to go.”

Squiggy threw a wing in his mouth. “By gosh, I ain’t goin!”

The first man turned to the second one. “Call the cops.”

Squiggy shook his head and turned to the waitress. “You comin?”

“No, I can’t.”

Squiggy finished off his beer and grabbed the wings. “Let’s go, Mule. I ain’t gonna stay here with these polesmokers!”

He hoped one of them would fire back with another comment, but they were willing to let it go. Squiggy and Mule walked toward the door, each chewing on a wing. They threw their bones down on the floor.

Several customers were walking up to the front door. “Can’t go in there,” Squiggy said.

“How come?” asked one preppy-looking teen.

“Somebody crapped all over the floor and they’s closing up.”

“Ooh!” said one of the girls.

Squiggy giggled and walked toward his truck. Mule was trailing behind, afraid his friend would go ballistic at any second.

They got in the truck and Squiggy fired up the engine.

“I’s sorry, Squiggy,” Mule said. “You hacked at me?”

Squiggy scowled. “Naw, you’s my bud. Plus we got free beers and wings. I also got this.”

He held up a piece of paper and showed it to Mule. “What is that?” Mule said.

“That chick’s phone number.”

“Cool!” Mule said. “Where we goin now?”

“I’ve just about had enough fun for today,” Squiggy said. “Guess we best head on home. I’m kinder afraid you might crap again.”

Mule nodded. That was right, after all. His stomach was upset. “Maybe we can go out to the bar tomorrow night?”

“Sure, but football season starts tomorrow night. We’s gonna get ripped by Vian and I gotta go to the game.”

Mule nodded. He didn’t really know about football, but was up for almost anything.

------

The next day was a Friday. Squiggy worked a couple of hours in the morning before deciding that was enough activity for him. He still had beer left over in his fridge and didn’t want to waste a Friday working.

About mid-afternoon, he snuck off when his bosses were porn-hopping on the internet. Squiggy drove around town for a while before heading downtown to see if anything interesting was happening.

As he drove through town, Squiggy saw a man walking along the sidewalk. It took a second for him to figure out who the guy was.

“I’ll be dadgummed,” Squiggy said. “If that ain’t old Mikey Hunt.”

He revved up the engine and pulled into a parking lot.

THE END

Chapter 51

2006-01-25T04:16:00.000-08:00

Mule had to put his hand against the wall to steady himself.

“Boy, I see why they call this place ‘Hooter’s’,” he said.

Squiggy nodded. This was one of his favorite places to eat. He wasn’t all that fond of the food, other than the wings, but did have an appreciation for the help.

One of the help approached them. She was wearing the appropriate shirt and was endowed enough to stretch the shirt to limits it was not designed to withstand.

She was a short girl with dark hair who could be a model. The front of her shirt had a “V” in it that revealed some cleavage that was like a magnet to the two visitors from Langford.

“Can I help you?” she asked, flashing a fake smile that neither guy happened to notice.

Squiggy nodded, his eyes never venturing far from the greeter. “We, uh, need a tit, er, table.”

“Man!” Mule offered.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“They real?”

“Do what?”

Squiggy popped Mule with his hat. “Don’t get us kicked out fore we eat the dang wings.”

“Uh, sorry.”

She was keeping a little more distance between herself and the two guys. “Table for two?”

“Yep,” Squiggy said.

“Smoking or…”

“Yep, this is,” Mule said.

“Naw, we ain’t smoking,” Squiggy said. He liked the company, but was regretting bringing Mule if he was going to act like this.

She turned around and started walking across the room. She had on some tight little shorts that caught their attention. Mule was so affixed to the sight that he bumped into another waitress carrying a tray of food, making her spill it.
He never broke stride, though, following behind the greeter. Mule was fascinated with the movements of the girl’s rear, the way the cheeks would slide back and forth.

“Look where you’s going,” Squiggy said.

“I am,” Mule said.

She brought them to their table and waited for them to sit. The greeter placed two menus in front of them.

“My name is ‘Mule’,” he said.

“That’s, uh, good,” she said.

“Wanna know why?”

Squiggy looked like he was in shock. “No!”

The greeter was still smiling, but wondering how she wound up getting all the retards.

Mule motioned for her to come close. He whispered into her ear. Her smile slowly went away. Squiggy watched her take a quick glance down at Mule’s midsection.

She nodded and walked away toward another worker and whispered something to her.

“What did you tell her?” Squiggy asked.

“I told her people call me Mule cause of how big my thing is. I measured it last night with a tape measure and it was…”

“Mule, I don’t care how big your whonker is. You didn’t tell her, did you?”

“Course, that was when she looked down.”

Squiggy shook his head and started looking at the menu. Mule was too busy looking around the room.

A waitress approached them, the same one the greeter had just talked with. She was tall, blonde and equipped with the same sort of assets as the greeter. Her shirt was not as revealing, however.

Mule started moving everything on the table off to the side.

“What the crap are you doing?” Squiggy asked.

Mule ignored his friend. “I’ll help you get up there.”
The fake smile was already challenged. “Get up where?” she asked in a serious southern twang.

“Up on the table to dance.”

“I don’t do table dances.”

“What for?”

“This isn’t a strip bar,” she added.

“It ain’t?”

She shook her head. Squiggy was fixated on this one. She was like his dream girl.

“Is that why nobody’s naked?”

“Of course.”

She looked across the table and saw Squiggy looking at her. The waitress wasn’t positive, but thought some drool was exiting his mouth.

“How’s it going?” Squiggy asked.

She actually thought he was kind of cute in a white trash kind of way. “Fine. And you?”

“Much better now that you’s here.”

She smiled and flipped her hair back. The waitress moved closer to him. She started to say something but was interrupted by Mule.

“You’s hot!”

She turned to look at Mule. “Thanks.” The waitress turned to look at Mule, blinking her big, blue eyes at him with eye lashes that seemed to go on forever. Squiggy looked at the eye brows and saw they were blonde.

“What are you looking at?” she asked, smiling at him.

“Blonde, huh?” he said.

“Yes, I am.”

“Dang!” Mule said, loud enough to be heard throughout the place. Squiggy looked at his friend to see what had disturbed him. Mule was fixated on another waitress crossing by. She was immense.

He tried to flag her down, but had no luck.

“What’s good?” Squiggy asked.

“Other than me?” she said.

“You good?”

“None better.”

“How do I know you ain’t fibbing?”

She leaned close to him. “You’ll have to take my word on it…for now.”

Squiggy did his best to maintain composure, but was afraid his jaw might hit the table.

He happened to see another waitress crossing by. She had the largest bosoms that he had ever seen. Squiggy hoped Mule wouldn’t notice, but that was impossible.

“Oh my gosh!” he hollered, loud enough to attract everybody’s attention. “Come here!”

The other waitress slowly approached the table.

Squiggy knew this wasn’t going to be good, even before Mule opened his mouth.

Chapter 52

Chapter 50

2006-01-24T04:20:00.000-08:00

The words that Alexander just said seemed to linger in the air like a really stinky gasser.

“You guys kiss each other,” she said.

Squiggy and Mule glanced at each other with their mouths kind of hanging open like somebody just whopped them upside the head.

“You want us to kiss each other?” Squiggy said. She nodded. He shook his head. “No way! That’s gay!”

She started getting dressed again. “I guess we won’t be playing anymore.”

“I guess we won’t.”

Mule leaned forward in his seat. “Squiggy, why are you so against kissing me?”

Squiggy glared at his friend. “Uh, cause I ain’t no queer!”

“I’d kiss you if we could keep playing.”

“Ain’t gonna happen.”

Mule started to protest some more, but let it drop. He started missing the game and wanted to suggest a new start with rules against guy kissing, but Squiggy and the Hairy Chin chick seemed a little upset.

He wanted to do something to get everybody back in a good humor. Heck, he wasn’t in a bad mood. He had seen her naked and she had been rewarded with a nice rack. Now she was mad for some reason cause Squiggy wouldn’t kiss him.

“How come you wouldn’t kiss him?” she said.

“Cause,” Squiggy said. “You like watching guys doodle?”

“Actually, I do.”

Squiggy threw on the brakes and skidded off to the side of the road. “Get out!”

“Why?”

“Cause I said.”

Mule opened his door and got out. She almost looked like tears were imminent. “This ain’t right!” she said. “Dumping me on the interstate like this. I’m going to tell the cops that George Bush and Harry Dick raped me!”

“You do that,” Squiggy said. Mule climbed in the truck.

“I liked yer boobies!” he said as they drove off.

They started hitting the beer again while driving down the interstate. A little later, they took an exit to go on the Muskogee Turnpike. After passing by Muskogee, Mule saw a sign.

“A McDonald’s!” he hollered.

“So?”

“Can we stop? I’m kinder hungry after throwing up.”

“Crapfire, Mule. You’s worse than kids.”

“How’d you know that?”

“Uh, I don’t.”

They stopped at the McDonald’s located in the middle of the turnpike. There was a store on the other side. Several cars and trucks were parked. Mule was the first to notice.

“Lotta black people here,” he said.

“Don’t worry bout them,” Squiggy said. “They ain’t the gang type.”

“How do you know that?”

“Cause, they ain’t wearing snot rags on they’re heads.”

Mule seemed to accept that reasoning, for some reason. He went for another Big Mac, fries and a milkshake. Squiggy gave him some money and headed for the bathroom. He was in bad need of making a deposit, so Squiggy didn’t really mind stopping.

By the time he finished his business, Mule had finished his meal and was standing at the door, stuffing fries in his mouth.

“Let’s go,” Squiggy said. “How’d you get the extra fries?”

Mule was holding an extra container of fries in his left hand. “I caught this old dude looking the other direction and nabbed his fries.”

“Go give the old guy his fries back.”

“Why?”

“Dude’s probably like on a fixed income and coming to McDonald’s and eating fries might be the highlight of his week.”

“It’s okay, Squiggy. He was black.”

“Oh, okay. Let’s go.”

They took off again, tearing through the parking lot before regaining traffic. Over the last fifty miles, Mule had started waving at everybody they passed. Squiggy was about to get tired of it.

They passed some little car with several girls in it. He saw Mule waving at them and had enough. “Quit waving at everybody, Mule!”

“How come?”

“People just don’t do that.”

“We wave at people back at Langford.”

“That’s different,” Squiggy said. He saw his friend wave at another car. “Quit!”

“You oughta try this. Two different chicks have flashed me cause I waved at them.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Watch this!”

They were pulling up beside a Cadillac going much slower, more along the actual speed limits. Inside was an older woman.

“Crap, she’s like ancient,” Squiggy said. That didn’t stop Mule. He waved at the woman and was rewarded. Squiggy also got to see the old woman open her blouse.

“Ug,” Mule said. “I’m gonna quit waving now.”

They quickly made their way into Broken Arrow, a suburb of Tulsa. Traffic was a booger and Squiggy could only go seventy as he swerved in and out of traffic until reaching the exit for Memorial. He cut in front of a semi, almost causing the truck to wreck, to make sure he got the exit.

They hit the exit and turned. Traffic was thinning out quickly and Squiggy quickly made his way to the destination. Finally, they had arrived.

“Hooter’s!” Squiggy hollered.

“Yay!” Mule said. “Why are we coming here?”

“You’ll see just as soon as we get inside.”

The only parking spot was a handicapped one near the front door. Squiggy grabbed it, killed the engine and walked quickly to the front door, followed by Mule. They walked through the front door and Mule pulled up.

“Dadgum, look at all the big boobies!”

Squiggy smiled. He was truly in his nirvana, at least for the time being.

Chapter 51

Chapter 49

2006-01-23T04:24:00.000-08:00

Mule’s face was white as a sheet, aside from the chunks of vomit hanging off his chin hairs. His eyes were glazed over, even more so than usual.

“I threw up!” he said.

“I see that,” Squiggy said, looking down to make sure he wasn’t standing in any. “You sick?”

“Naw, I just yacked so I’ll be able to eat and drink some more.”

“Why?”

“I was watching the neighbor’s television the other night and heard the dude talk about chicks making themselves yack so they’ll lose weight.”

Squiggy was not impressed. “So you’re trying to lose weight?”

“Naw, I just wanted an empty belly so I could eat some more. I done ate and enjoyed the food. Now nothing will stop me from putting more in.”

Squiggy nodded. It actually made sense to him, which bothered him in a way. “C’mon, let’s go talk to the chicks.”

He helped Mule up and they walked back over to where the girls were standing. They looked a little concerned about Mule and the possibility of riding in the same vehicle with somebody who might vomit on them.

“He’s okay,” Squiggy said.

“You sure?” asked the large one. “He’s like got part of a hamburger hanging off his chin.”

Mule scooped up the meat off his chin and stuck it back in his mouth. “Naw, that’s some chopped beef.”

The two women took a step back. Hairy Chin looked a little more bothered than the big one.

“He’s not going to vomit again is he?” she said.

“Naw,” Mule said. “I’m through.”

He had a hiccup and everybody stepped back, afraid of a potential projectile coming toward them.

“We gotta get going,” Squiggy said.

The large woman started looking around. “Where’s my purse?”

“You must’ve left it on the table,” said her friend.

Squiggy waited for the big one to enter back into McDonalds. “Let’s go! Quick!”

“What about my friend?” said Hairy Chin.

“Screw her!”

“I ain’t,” said Mule.

Squiggy grabbed her arm and started escorting her out to the truck. They had just loaded her in the cab and started the truck when the big woman came out the door. As Squiggy started driving off, she tried to chase after them, waving her arms and hollering.

Squiggy and Mule were looking in the mirrors, giggling.

“The fat chick moves pretty good for somebody her size,” Mule said.

“Look how red her face is!” Squiggy said. He slowed to a stop, waiting for her. As she neared the tailgate, he floored the truck, leaving her covered with exhaust.

“That ain’t nice,” said Hairy Chin.

“Naw, but it was funny,” Mule said.

“Get me a beer, woman,” Squiggy said. He was driving around the rear of the building and bypassing everybody in the to-go line.

“What makes you think I should get you a beer?”

“Cause I told you to get me one.”

“Okay.” She got a beer and handed one to him. “Can I have one?”

“I reckon so.”

“You trying to get me drunk?”

Squiggy pulled back out on the highway and got on the exit ramp to get on I-40. “Do I need to?”

“Probably not.”

Mule giggled. “I wish your buddy weren’t such a lardbutt! I could use some action, too!”

“You might still get lucky.”

“Cool!” Mule said.

“Is that a train I hear?” Squiggy said.

“I don’t hear no train,” she said.

Mule laughed so hard he almost got sick again.

Hairy Chin started giggling, although she had no reason why or what was so funny. “Where we going?”

“To Tulsa,” Squiggy said.

“We’s going to Hooters!”

“I don’t think so!” said Hairy Chin. “I’m not going somewhere with you guys so you can stare at girls with fake jugs wearing tight tee-shirts!”

“I guess you could sit out in the truck then,” Squiggy said.

“Yeah!” Mule said.

“That just ain’t right,” she said, clamming up. “I thought you was going to take me some place nice for a good dinner and drinks.”

Squiggy had to think about this for a few seconds. “We will…after.”

“After what?”

“After we go by Hooters for a while and you service us.”

“I ain’t gonna give you none until I get something good to eat.”

“I got something good you can eat,” Mule said, making Squiggy giggle.

“That’s not the least bit funny!” said Hairy Chin.

“Naw, I didn’t mean that. I got some of a sandwich left over. Will that be good enough?”

"You're sick!" she said, while sliding a little closer to Squiggy. Hairy Chin put her hand on Squiggy's leg.

Squiggy looked down at his leg. Her move gave him an idea. "You ever play truth or dare?"

She frowned. "I guess I probably did when I was a kid."

"Wanna play?"

"I don't think so."

Squiggy shook his head. They were flying down I-40 going well over the established speed limit. "You's chicken."

"No, it's just silly."

"She's scared," Mule chimed in.

"No, I ain't."

"Okay, let's play," Squiggy said. "I's first. Okay...uh, what's your name?"

"Alexander."

"Alexander, truth or dare?"

She thought about her response for a second. "Truth."

Squiggy shook his head. That wasn't the response he wanted to hear. "Okay, ever been with two guys before?"

"No, that ain't none of your business. I change my choice to dare."

Squiggy smiled. "Let's see em then."

"See what?"

"Your honkers."

"My what?"

"Boobs."

"I ain't gonna show you my boobs!"

"That's how the game's played."

She shook her head. Alexander was already regretting this trip. She slowly pulled her shirt up, revealing her bra.

"Satisfied?" she said.

"Heck no," Squiggy said. "We want skin!"

She undid her bra, let it drop and raised her shirt again. Squiggy was so unnerved that he promptly left the road and almost ran into a sign for an upcoming exit. Mule moved his face approximately two inches from her breasts.

"Nice!" Mule said. She lowered her shirt down. "My turn!"

"How come it ain't my turn?" she said.

"We's goin clockwise," Squiggy said.

She shook her head again. Mule thought about his request. "Hairy Chin, truth or dare?"

"What'd you call me?"

"Sorry, I meant to say Alexer. Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Get naked."

"I don't think so. I ain't playing this game."

"Then you won't ever get a chance," Squiggy said.

She thought about it a little longer and promptly removed all clothing. Alexander sat naked for several seconds, causing Squiggy to swerve all over the road and Mule to drool.

She quickly replaced her clothes. Now, it was her turn. "Okay, truth or dare?"

"Who you talking to?" Squiggy asked.

"You. What's your name?"

"George Bush."

She nodded. Somehow that name rang a bell. "George, I want you to uh...what's your name?"

Alexander was looking at Mule. "What's your name?"

"Harry Peter. You can call me 'Mule' though."

"How come they call you Mule?"

"Is that your question?"

"No, I wanna dare George Bush here."

"Go for it," Squiggy said.

She did, requesting a dare that left both the guys rather shaken.

Chapter 50

Chapter 48

2006-01-20T04:55:00.000-08:00

The boys continued on their trek northward to Tulsa. They continued through two small towns before getting to the intersection of Highway 9.

Squiggy took a left and spun gravel as he took off. At the next junction, he took the right and headed toward Sallisaw. They drove over the Kerr Dam, which fascinated Mule.

“Damn!” he said.

“Yep, that’s what it is,” Squiggy said. “The Kerr Dam.”

“Damn!”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Whoo, damn!”

Squiggy turned to look at his friend, who was smiling with some beer droolings dropping down and out of both sides of his mouth.

“Quit saying that,” Squiggy said. “You bother me.”

“Sorry,” Mule said. “Here’s a beer.”

Squiggy accepted another beer. He had lost count of how many they had put away. Most of the bottles were tossed in the back of the truck. They were actually making good time, which was a rarity on this stretch of highway.

They got stuck behind an eighteen-wheeler going up Wildhorse Mountain. Squiggy kept honking at the trucker, not that it did any good. As they topped the mountain and descended down the other side, they got their first whiff of it.

“What’s that smell?” asked Mule.

“That’s the barbeque place up ahead.”

“What’s it called?”

“Wildhorse Barbeque,” Squiggy said. “The best dadgummed barbeque place in Oklahoma.”

“Can we stop?” Mule asked, looking like a little kid trying to get a toy out of his parents.

“You hungry?”

“Naw, but I kinder like the barbeques.”

Squiggy shrugged. He didn’t mind stopping. They pulled into the parking lot and stopped right up front. Mule practically ran in the front door and to the counter. He was trying to read the sign when Squiggy pulled up beside him.

“What’s all that say?” Mule asked.

“It’s the menu.”

“Oh. I ain’t smart enough to read much.”

“You don’t say?”

Mule nodded his head. It was definitely true. “Gosh, I don’t know what to get!”

The guy behind the counter was staring at Mule. Apparently not many huge guys came in the place looking like Mule with his camo shirt, shorts, high socks and hunting boots. One eyebrow was raised at a slight tilt over the other.

“How bout a sandwich?” Squiggy said.

“Hmm, I bet that’d be good! What else do they got?”

“They got ribs, chicken and a lotta stuff.”

“Boy!” Mule said. “So many choices! Can I get one of ever thing?”

“You want one of everything?”

Mule nodded his head.

“I don’t think so,” Squiggy said. “That’d eat up all our beer money. Get one of them chopped beef sandwiches and a slab of ribs.”

Mule ducked his head and slowly nodded in agreement. Squiggy got some beans also, forgetting how dangerous it was to load Mule up with any extra ammo.

Squiggy paid for the food. The order was ready in just a few minutes and the two guys were off again. Mule had the ribs demolished by the time they hit Sallisaw some five minutes later. He was flinging the bones out the window and leaving a large portion of the sauce smeared on his face.

He opened his sandwich next and applied the sauce liberally. With his first bite, about half the sauce dripped down the front of his camo shirt, mixing in nicely with the other food stains.

“Is that good?” Squiggy asked. Mule’s mouth was crammed to overflowing status with food. He tried to respond, figured out that was impossible and nodded instead.

As they entered Sallisaw, Mule saw the golden arch sign to the right. He started hitting Squiggy on the arm and pointing at McDonalds.

“What?” Squiggy said. Mule had made him spill some of the beer on his pants. He didn’t mind the pants, it was the wasting of the beer that bothered him.

Mule took a big gulp and swallowed a large portion of the half-chewed foot in his mouth. “Fries!”

“Now you want some fries?”

“And one of them apple pies!”

“Crapfire, Mule! Your belly’s gonna get all bloated like one of them fish that washes up on the bank.”

Squiggy had to cut in front of a truck to swing into McDonalds. They pulled up front, parked and Mule ran to the front door. He stood inside, looking around.

“What’re you looking for?” Squiggy asked.

“I gotta crap!” Mule said.

“Right there’s the crapper,” Squiggy said, pointing to the rear.

Mule nodded and took off toward the restroom. He got about halfway there and threw on the brakes. Mule clinched his legs together and started squirming. Squiggy knew this was not good. Slowly, Mule’s butt started sticking out and a roar slowly building, softly at first but slowly increasing in volume until everybody in the place was staring at him.

It was truly a fart of epic proportions. Two women were at a table right to the left of Mule. Both of them had their Big Macs only inches from their open mouth, staring up at Mule in disbelief. Squiggy saw one of them cringe and knew the mist was descending upon them and their food.

“Whoo!” Mule said.

He slowly started walking toward the restroom, moving at a slow shuffle with his butt cheeks still clinched together.

Two kids were laughing and got hollered at by their redneck father. A tall woman was dumping her trash in the garbage can and looked at Squiggy.

“Is that with you?” she asked.

“Fraid so,” Squiggy said. “Sometimes he has tummy problems.”

“I’d say so.” She was a tall woman. Squiggy noticed she wasn’t bad looking other than the hairy chin. He also saw that she didn’t have on a wedding ring and appeared to have undergone breast augmentation.

“What’s up?”

“Excuse me?”

“I asked what’s up?”

“Uh, just got through eating.”

Squiggy nodded. “Cool. You live round here?”

She returned the nod. “Why do you ask?”

“Cause you’re kinder hot.”

She perked up. “You think?’

Squiggy licked his lip and nodded. “We oughta do something.”

She placed the tray on top of the can. “What would you like to do?”

“You.”

She giggled and slapped him on the arm. “That is so funny!”

“I gots a lot more where that came from.”

She looked down at his midsection. “I’d say you do!”

“I do! You got a buddy?”

“My friend’s in the bathroom.”

Squiggy nodded. “Y’all wanna go with us?”

“Where you goin?”

“Thought we might drop by your place and then head up to Tulsa.”

“You’re goin to Tulsa?”

“Darn straight.”

“I’d kinda like to go to Tulsa!”

“How bout we stop off at your place first?”

She looked at him. Squiggy could see the sunlight reflecting off her chin hairs. “Why’d you wanna do that?”

“Thought we might get busy.”

“You and me?”

“Yep.”

“I ain’t gonna just go jump in the sack with you,” she said and giggled.

“We don’t gotta do it in no sack!”

She was still laughing. “I think we’d like to go to Tulsa though. Let me ask my friend. Here she comes.”

Squiggy was still smiling until he turned around. The friend was a truly hideous creature. She had to weigh at least four hundred pounds with a head the size of a microwave oven. Her face was covered with acne scars. Jewelry adorned all her fingers, along with her chin, nose and eyebrows.

As the beast grew nearer, Squiggy saw that she had different colored eyeballs. Mule would never forgive him for this, but he did want a shot at the one chick.

The two chicks got together to discuss the situation. Squiggy walked over to chime in. “We’s in like a single-cab truck.’

“So?” asked the human blimp.

“Well, I don’t figger we could all fit.”

“I could sit in your friend’s lap!”

“Might be best if he sat in your lap.”

“Why you say that?”

As if on cue, Mule came strolling out of the bathroom. He had not bothered to clean his face or clothing. Mule saw Squiggy and the two women and his smile slowly went away.

“No way!” he said.

Squiggy went to talk to him. “I think this one chick wants me!”

“Good. I ain’t porking the hippo!”

“You don’t gotta. Just keep her occupied.”

“Squiggy! She’s like a monster!”

Squiggy had to think about this. There had to be some way to get his friend’s cooperation. “I’ll get you a Big Mac!”

Mule thought about this for a second. “Okay, tell em extrey pickles!”

Squiggy headed off to place another food order. Hairy chin trailed behind him. The blimp was moving in on Mule, who kept scooting away from her.

“Boy, I could sure eat some meat!” Hairy Chin said.

It was almost too hard for Squiggy to keep from responding.

“I haven’t had any in a long time,” she added.

“Me neither,” said Squiggy.

“Boy, I’m hot.”

Squiggy nodded. She unbuttoned another button on her shirt. He raised an eyebrow and tried to look down the opening. “I’m getting that way.”

Squiggy ordered the food and paid for it. He even got Hairy Chin a burger also.

As they collected the food, another roar could be heard from near the door. The big chick was waving her arms at Mule, like that would do any good.

“I ain’t goin anywhere with that farty fellow!” the big chick said.

“See ya!” Mule said and started walking out toward the truck.

“Let’s go,” Squiggy said.

“I can’t leave her!”

“Yeah you can!”

“She’s my friend!”

They continued the negotiations until Squiggy looked out in the parking lot and saw Mule doubled over near the truck. Squiggy ran through the doors and sprinted out to the truck.

“Mule, you okay?”

Mule looked up at his friend with a strange look.

Chapter 49

Chapter 47

2006-01-19T04:30:00.000-08:00

Squiggy and Mule had each put away about a six pack during the fifteen-minute trip to the Burger King in Poteau.

Squiggy had exceeded the established speed limit, cruising along at a good seventy miles an hour for the most part. The Burger King was located just off the bypass and in front of the Wal-Mart Supercenter on the northern side of Poteau.

Most of the front row parking spots were taken so Squiggy cut a newer Caddy off and wheeled into the handicapped spot. The driver of the Caddy honked several times at Squiggy, not that it did any good. He did turn around and see the handicapped sticker hanging down from the rear-view mirror and the man with his arms held out.

The blue-haired wife was gesturing angrily at the Squigster. Mule waved at them and they walked into the King. There was a barrio set up for everybody to follow but they crawled under it to save energy.

There was a family in line in front of them. A father who appeared to weigh at least three hundred pounds wearing a green tee-shirt that failed to extend down to the grey sweats that were also too small. This revealed a large slab of fat hanging down over the sweats. He had on a pair of slippers, sans the socks.

The woman was barely smaller. She wore what appeared to be a bed sheet. Her breasts were massive, hanging almost down to her knees. The hair was a cheap Dolly Parton impression that needed washed. Her nose seemed to be squished on her face. When she turned around and smiled at Mule, revealing one missing tooth and several others that were discolored, Squiggy grunted.

“Check out them jugs!” Mule said, loud enough for the man and his two children to hear. “They’s huge!”

“You’s like talking too loud,” Squiggy said.

The two children were staring back at Mule. They were two boys, both with dried snot hanging from their nostrils. Each boy had on the same clothing. A Bob the Builder shirt, blue swim trunks that almost reached to the ground and cheap sandals. The older boy was about five while the other one was three.

They each had blonde hair that looked like it had not been washed or combed in the last month.

“What’s jugs?” the oldest boy asked his father.

“Nothing,” said the fat man. “Get some ketchup!”

The young boy scurried off in search of condiments. The big guy turned around to look at Mule. The man’s left eye was pointed in while the other seemed to wander around. “I don’t preciate you talkin bout the wife’s breasts!”

“So?” Squiggy said. “Git the fat rear of your’s outta the way. We need to eat.”

Mule stepped in between Squiggy and the big guy. “Sorry.”

The fat man sneered at Squiggy but left to fill up his extra-large drink. Squiggy and Mule stared up at the menu.

“Look!” Mule said. “They got anus burgers!”

Squiggy laughed so hard he snorted up some beer all over the front of his shirt. “Look what you did!”

“Sorry.” Mule stepped in front of the cash register. The woman behind the counter did not appear to be a pleasant person. She had the usual uniform on, minus the smile. Her face looked like it would break if she ever bothered to grin. She was a short woman, barely visible behind the register.

“Can I help you?” the woman asked as she moved a tray off the counter.

“Yeah, I want one of them butt burgers,” Mule said.

“A what?”

“Butt burgers!” Mule pointed up at the sign.

The woman shook her head. “That’s an angus burger.”

“Dang!” Mule said and looked back at Squiggy. “It don’t say anus.”

“I heard her,” Squiggy said. “They any good?”

“I like them.”

“You look like you do.”

“What do you mean by that, sir? Are you saying I’m fat?”

Squiggy smiled and started to say something but was cut off by Mule. “Naw, he meant that you working here that you’re probably a person that knows a good burger. Right, Squiggy?”

Squiggy shrugged. The woman still glared at him.

“Gimme one of them angus burgers,” Mule said. “Can you cut the cheese up in little sections and melt them on my angus burger?”

She shook her head.

“I thought we was supposed to have it our way at Burger King?”

“You are but we don’t have time to cut the cheese and…”

Squiggy snorted up beer again. “You ain’t got time to fart?”

Mule started laughing also. The handicapped man was tooling in the front door behind a walker, trailed by his angry-looking wife.

“What?” the lady asked.

“We best hurry up,” Mule said. He saw the handicapped guy and his wife heading their way. He finished up his order and waited for Squiggy, who ordered the same thing and paid.

They were just getting their cups when the handicapped guy came up behind Squiggy and tapped him on the back.

“Are you the guy who parked in my spot?” he asked.

“I didn’t see your name on it, crip,” Squiggy said.

The woman decided to chime in. “Did you see the handicapped sign?”

“Yeah.”

“Why’d you park in it then? You seem fine!”

“Actually, I ain’t,” Squiggy said. “I’m handicapped, too.”

“What’s wrong with you?” the woman said.

“I only got one nut.”

That shut them up and Squiggy was able to escape. They got their drinks and waited for the food. Mule grabbed the trays with the enormous burgers and headed toward the back. There was a playroom at the front of Burger King, separated by a glassed wall and door. Mule headed straight for the playroom.

“Where you goin?” Squiggy said.

“Back here,” Mule said.

Squiggy shrugged and followed. There were several children and families eating and playing. Two families were behind a small partition having a birthday party. Squiggy and Mule attacked the food like they had not ate in a year.

They both had mustard and ketchup smeared on their faces within two bites. Two little girls were at a table across the walkway from them. They were ignoring their food, choosing to stare at the two strange men eating.

Squiggy saw them staring at him. His mouth was full, not that it would ever stop. “What?”

“You’re messy,” one girl said, causing the other to grin.

Squiggy noticed the apple pie on the girl’s tray. “You want that?”

The girl grabbed the pie and hid it. “It’s my pie!” She started crying, which made every parent look around to see what the problem was.

Squiggy and Mule went back to eating as the mother came to check on the girl. She was young and skinny with long hair.

“What’s wrong, honey?” the mother asked.

“That man’s going to take my pie!” the girl said.

The mother stood up and wheeled around to confront Squiggy. “Did you say you were going to take my daughter’s pie?”

Squiggy stopped eating long enough to look up at the mother. He had not noticed before, but quickly became aware that the mother was blessed. “Naw, I just asked if…Man! Nice rack!”

She smiled and leaned closer. “Thanks. Want to see them?”

Squiggy and Mule started nodding so hard that they were slinging condiments off their faces.

The woman’s shirt was cut low in the front, revealing a massive amount of cleavage. She looked around and started to stretch the collar, revealing more. Squiggy and Mule were left with their mouths hanging wide open. Just as she got close to showing the good stuff, the woman stopped.

“Oh, sorry,” she said. “I forgot that I don’t flash jackasses.”

She walked away, leaving Squiggy and Mule frozen like a pair of statues. They finally regained their thinking and resumed eating.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Mule said.

“Naw, she’s a female dog,” Squiggy said.

Mule was the first to finish. As soon as the last bite was downed, he took off toward the giant cage where all the kids were playing.

“Where you goin?” Squiggy asked.

“To play.”

Squiggy finished up his meal and watched Mule enter the little tunnel that let the kids go into the cage. He was too big and almost got stuck. Two kids were standing behind him, waiting to enter. Mule finally realized he couldn’t get in that way so he went around to the other side. There was a net that could be moved aside. One compartment had a bunch of balls on the ground that the kids were crawling in and bouncing on.

Mule joined the kids, looking rather ridiculous. He started having the time off his life with the other kids, bouncing on the balls. Yes, it was truly fun until he got beaned in the face with a ball hard enough that it made his nose bleed.

“Crapfire!” Mule said. He looked around and saw Squiggy a few feet away. “You turd!”

Mule picked up a ball and fired it at his friend. Squiggy ducked and the ball bounced off a fat girl’s head, making her cry. Squiggy dove at Mule and they started wrestling on the balls, laughing and bouncing off the children and the netting. They were truly enjoying themselves until the lady behind the counter started hollering at them.

“This playground is just for children!” she hollered.

“Go away!” Squiggy said. “We’s havin fun!”

“I’m calling the police!”

“We best go!” Mule said. He crawled out of the little cage, followed by Squiggy. They put their shoes back on and walked back toward the door. Squiggy saw the girl wasn’t looking and nabbed her apple pie.

Everybody in the place was staring at them as Squiggy and Mule got in the truck and slowly drove off.

“That was fun!” Mule said as he wiped away some blood from his nose.

“We ain’t even started havin fun yet!” Squiggy said.

Chapter 48

Chapter 46

2006-01-18T04:20:00.000-08:00

Squiggy and Mule were changed men throughout the summer, foregoing their usual beer drinking and woman chasing to work constantly on the house on the ridge.

Every day, they moved closer to completing it. They were really the only ones who knew what a gem they were building as they kept to themselves for the most part. Whenever Squiggy wasn’t at his real job, he was working on the house.

Mule didn’t have a job to take him away from the house. So he spent even more time than Squiggy trying to finish the house. Some days, he worked from the time his eyes opened until it got dark in the hot summer heat. It left him some wore out that Mule would sleep on the floor.

Squiggy got tired of seeing his friend sleep on the floor so he broke down and bought a used mattress. He was more than happy to provide his friend food, drinks and a place to sleep.

The sale of cheap beer in Langford dipped so drastically that the local distributor tried to find out what was happening.They seldom even drank beer any more, preferring water and sport drinks to get them some energy.

Finally, one day in late August, our two guys were growing restless, tired of hanging cabinets and trim board. The house was complete for the most part, only lacking some plumbing and a septic tank. The refuse was currently going out a pipe and over the ridge, something that Mule doubted the Department of Environmental Quality would approve.

You could actually stand out near the ridge and if somebody flushed, see the urine or a turd come sailing through the air, not the most attractive sight, Mule decided.

The boys needed a break. Squiggy came up with an idea.

“You ever been to Tulsa?” he said.

“Naw, heard of it,” Mule said.

Squiggy was trying to be a kinder person of late since Mule was so much help so he neglected to say anything about his friend’s comment.

“I think we need to go on a road trip,” Squiggy said.

Mule perked up. They were installing a ceiling fan in the family room, the final touch to have this room ready. The room was empty for the most part, aside from Mule’s mattress in the corner. He had a night light next to his mattress since Mule was scared of the dark. Mule had borrowed a couple of magazines from Squiggy’s collection. Since he couldn’t read, it wasn’t for the stories.

“Cool!” Mule said. He had never been on one, but it sure sounded fun. “Where we goin?”

“Uh, Tulsa.”

“Where’s Tulsa?”

“North of here.”

Mule pursed his lips. That would work. He needed to see the sights and become more educated like his friend Squiggy. “How far’s Tulsa?”

“Probably a couple cases away.”

Mule had to calculate the distance. “Dang, that’s almost two hours.”

“Give er take.”

“What?”

“I said give er take.”

“What’re you giving or taking?” Mule said. He was totally confused.

“Nothing. I meant that was about how long it would take.”

Mule was standing on a stepladder. He reached up and grabbed a wire that promptly shocked him bad enough to knock him off the ladder and make all his hair stand up.

Squiggy tried to restrain himself but could not keep from laughing. “I smell Mule sizzle!”

The blow from the electricity had knocked Mule to the ground. “Tttthhhaaat hhhhuuuurrrt!”

“Told you we needed to cut the lectricity.”

Mule was still shaking. “Man, I got goosed!”

“Yeah, you did. Gonna live?”

“I figger.” He looked down at his bare feet. “Is my feet smokin?”

Squiggy looked but refused to get close because of the foot odor Mule possessed. “Naw, I think that’s just the smell escaping.”

Mule seemed to accept that reasoning. “When we goin?”

“As soon as we get ready.”

“Cool! I’ll go jump in the pond.”

“Mule, you can use the shower.”

He failed to hide his disappointment. “Oh, okay. I’ll take a shower.”

As he walked off down the hall, Mule was shaking his head. He loved jumping in the pond to clean up or cool off. Just a few days earlier, a water moccasin got after him. Squiggy didn’t know his friend could move that fast. Mule was practically running on the water, hollering “snakes after me!” loud enough that people in town could probably hear him.

Ever since that day, Mule would get one of Squiggy’s high-powered rifles and go down to the pond, hunting for snakes. He had shot at several turtles but apparently the snakes were smart enough not to be seen when a crazed man was after them with a sniper rifle.

Mule was heading for the guest bathroom. Squiggy walked down the hall and entered his bedroom. He was so proud of this place. Squiggy even had a bed, dresser and a television hooked up to satellite in the corner. There was a large mirror directly over the bed that confused Mule when they hung it.

“Why’d you want a dadgummed mirror above your bed?” he had asked.

Squiggy just smiled. He had always wanted a mirror above his bed so he could watch his partner get busy. Now, all he needed was a partner to get busy with. His bed was so huge that it almost took up most of the room. He slipped between the bed and the dresser and walked into the bathroom.

He had gone overboard on the bathroom, buying all the most expensive fixtures and the most comfortable toilet Squiggy had ever parked on. Everything was still nice and clean, only a slight case of shower gook forming in the corners.

Squiggy quickly showered, even using shampoo and soap. He finished and stood in front of the mirror. His hair was a little long in the back now and a tad unruly everywhere else, aside from the front where most of the hair was gone. He put the back in a ponytail. Mule thought it looked silly to wear his hair in a ponytail when it barely went over his collar, but Squiggy thought it was cool.

He found a pair of jeans on the floor that didn’t appear to be all that dirty and put them on over a pair of boxers. Squiggy grabbed a tee-shirt out of the dresser, an old ZZ-Top one advertising some concert series in the late 1980s. He looked at himself in the mirror and realized the shirt had seen better days, not that Squiggy cared.

Squiggy walked into the closet and grabbed his cleanest hat, a white one advertising the branch bank on the highway. His buddy, Swifty, had given him the hat last week and Squiggy had worn it every day since then.

He had even worn it in the Bank of Langford, hoping it would bother the workers. The only thing that seemed to bother them was him. Squiggy saw the president sneaking back into his office, the man who had stolen his home and dirty magazine collection! Well, Squiggy had shown him, by gosh, stealing the collection back.

Squiggy stuck his head in the president’s office. “I heard you’s having a party in your mouth.”

The president was a man only a little older than Squiggy. He really wished they had security at this moment. His hair was combed over, trying to cover the baldness, making it look like he had a football helmet. “Er, I wasn’t aware of a party,” Allen Woodard said.

“Yep, everybody’s comin.”

Squiggy giggled and walked along the teller line, flirting with the tellers before leaving. Nobody seemed to mind him wearing the hat of the competition, dang it! He hung out at the front door for a little while, telling all the customers coming to the bank that they should move their accounts to the branch bank.

He did this two or three times a week, just for the heck of it. Squiggy shared his story about losing his home to anybody who would listen and how hard it was on him to come home from work one day and find his home had been stolen.

Squiggy didn’t bother telling the people that he was blitzed that day so bad he hit a tree while driving home or that he was three months late on his payment.

Satisfied with his appearance, he walked into the kitchen. There was a huge fridge next to the stove. He checked out the beer situation. It was a little low so he walked through the laundry room into the garage. Squiggy had bought two other refrigerators that he kept in the garage as backup.

They were both filled with beer. He grabbed an ice chest and loaded it full of beer and ice. It was so heavy that it was hard for him to load it in the front cab of the truck.

Squiggy walked back into the house and found Mule in the kitchen. He had the fridge open and was scratching his crotch. Mule was going with his patented camo look today. A camo tee-shirt with the sleeves cut off that was a little small, revealing a little belly fat. The shorts were also a little small and cut off high on his thights.

Mule topped off his clothing line by wearing a pair of hunting books with white socks that stretched to his knees.

He saw Squiggy and turned to look at his friends. Mule held his arms out. “Figger the Tulsa chicks can resist me?”

“I imagine yer gonna be the topic of a lotta conversations,” Squiggy said. “Let’s roll!”

“What’re we gonna roll?”

“Nothing. Let’s go!”

Mule slammed the fridge door. “I’s hungry, Squiggy!”

“We’ll stop at the King and get something to eat.”

That put a smile on the Mule’s face. A road trip, lots of beer and they were going to stop at Burger King! Could life get any better?

Chapter 47

Chapter 45

2006-01-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

Squiggy had lived a life of disappointment, a trait he shared with many other residents of Langford. There had been some good points and times, but they were frequently dwarfed by all the bad stuff.

He had seldom felt this bad before. Betrayed by his only real friend and the only girl he really cared about.

As Squiggy watched them walk across the parking lot to her car, he leaned forward and rested his head against the steering wheel. His eyes were barely above the top of the wheel, taking them in as they walked slowly.

He considered firing up the old truck and running them over, but decided going to jail wouldn’t make his life any better. Instead, he sat in his truck, drinking beer and watched them leave The Last Call.

Squiggy had about half a beer left. He looked at the bottle for several seconds before deciding to do something that would have never seemed possible just a few minutes ago. He rolled his window down and poured the beer out. He was wasting beer!

He threw the empty bottle in the back of a truck parked next to him, turned the engine on and slowly drove away, headed back to his cellar and a life Squiggy was determined to change.

The following morning, Squiggy got up fairly early, at least for him, ate some leftover cold pizza and emerged from the cellar. It was a tough task ahead of him, but he was tired of living the way he had been.

He was determined to quit drinking beer, or at least as much, and finish his house. It was not moving on like he wanted and Squiggy was tired of living in a storm cellar. He walked over next to a tree and took a leak, enjoying the feeling of the cold air. The view from here was astounding, one that many people would pay a bundle to get.

Psycho was trailing behind him and started to lick the puddle of wee on the ground. “Quit that,” Squiggy said. Psycho followed directions and trailed behind Squiggy as they walked toward the house.

Squiggy stood at the entrance for a few seconds. It was rather cold this morning and he would rather be snuggled under some warm blankets until the sun came out, but that wasn’t going to happen today. He was going to work.

For the next five months, Squiggy did little other than work at his job as many hours as possible, eat, sleep and work on his home. He was making good progress and actually moved in the house early in June. It was far from finished but still better than living in the cellar.

That was the second biggest highlight of the new year for him. The first happened in early February. Squiggy woke up, looked down and saw what looked like a tent pole under the covers. It took a few seconds for him to realize the significance of this event.

“I got a chub!” he hollered, scaring Psycho bad enough that she almost bit him.

He stayed away from the bars and trash women so Squiggy had not actually returned to action.

Several times, Mule came to visit him. Squiggy would hide from his former friend or not answer the door. He could have used Mule’s help, but Squiggy was still hurting and wasn’t in a forgiving mood.

Without the beer and because of the extra work, Squiggy lost enough weight his pants were soon sagging off him. Muscles that had been given the last twenty years off were being used again, getting him in the best shape his body had seen since his senior year in high school.

The roof was on the house and everything was moving along well. But Squiggy was having all kinds of trouble getting the wood siding to look right. Every time he tried it, the siding would get all crooked and look like crap. This was getting very frustrating to him and Squiggy was about to break down and call in some help.

That is, until one day he came home after work, drove up his lane and was amazed to see much of the siding on the front of the house. It even looked good! Squiggy was astounded. He walked up to the front of his house and stood there for several minutes, staring at his masterpiece.

He didn’t have a clue how the siding had suddenly materialized. Squiggy also didn’t hear anybody come up behind him.

“How you like it?” the man asked.

“Nice,” Squiggy said. He turned around to see Mule standing behind him. Mule’s hair had grown some and his beard was in bad need of a trim. He on only had on a pair of his camo shorts and his hunting boots.

“I figgered you might could use some help. You looked like you was having some problems with that there siding.”

Squiggy nodded, staring at Mule’s boobs. It was almost like he didn’t have any nipples. Normally, he would have requested more information about this abnormality, but this just didn’t seem the time to do so.

“You did all this today?” Squiggy asked.

“Yep. Got here right after you left for work. I been wanting to help.”

Squiggy nodded, still staring at Mule’s tits. He wanted to ask so bad, but contained himself. “You did a dern good job.”

Mule nodded. He walked over to the porch and sat down with Squiggy following. “I didn’t boink May that night.”

Squiggy frowned. That didn’t seem possible. “You left with her.”

“Yeah, but it bothered me after that. She wanted to go to her place and get naked. I started feeling bad about it and told her to quit grabbing my manhood.”

“Are you serious?”

“Naw, I’m still Mule.’

“No, I meant that you’re telling the truth? You and May didn’t get busy?”

Mule shook his head. “Naw, it just didn’t seem right since you was wanting to nail her but you couldn’t cause yer thingey weren’t working.”

“I’ll be danged. I figgered you ruined her that night.”

Mule thought about that for a second. “Naw, I went home by myself.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” Squiggy said.

“You always hid whenever I came around. I can’t really blame you. If I thought you porked some chick I wanted to be with forever, I’d been wanting to do something bad.”

Squiggy nodded. He still stared at the breasts. He couldn’t hold off any more. “Where’s yer dang nips?”

“My what?”

“Yer nipples. You ain’t got none?”

Mule looked down and ran his hands over them. “Yeah, I do. They’s just innies and like to stay hidden until it gets cold.”

Squiggy nodded, glad that was finally out of the way. “Sorry bout getting in a fight with you that night.”

“Me too, Squiggy. Buds shouldn’t fight like that. It was a bad night with you not being able to have sex with all them hot chicks and then Daddy showing up and leaving.”

“What happened with him?”

“Don’t really know. He came home that night and was going to let Mommy have sex with him until she found about him getting his tallywhacker shot off. After that, she just told him to leave.”

“Ain’t seen him since then?”

“Naw. He don’t need to be round here no more.”

Squiggy looked around at his house. It looked nothing like it had yesterday. Now, it was really starting to look like a house.

“You want me to buy you some beer for helping me?” Squiggy asked.

“Naw, let’s work on the house. You can pay me back by just being my buddy again.”

Squiggy nodded and patted his friend on the shoulder. “Thanks, Mule.”

Mule smiled like he hadn’t in months.

Chapter 46

Chapter 44

2006-01-13T04:57:00.000-08:00

They were words he never expected to hear out of May. They had been a couple for a long time and had never given any indications to feeling this way before.

“I want you so bad!” she said.

“Uh, thank you,” he said. “I want to be with you, too.”

May shook her head. “That’s not what I mean. I want to be with you…like, right now!”

“Hee hee,” Squiggy laughed. Surely this was some cruel joke. “That’s a good one.”
”What’s funny? I’m serious. I want to be with you and spend the night together, making love again and again.”

Squiggy cursed under his breath. “Boy!”

She leaned closer and placed her hand high on his thigh. “Let’s go outside…now.”

Her hand was gradually sliding higher up his leg. Usually, all a woman had to do was get in the same area code with her hand in relation to that area and Squiggy was ready to go. Not now, though.

Squiggy turned around and shook his hand in the area. “Dang you, Mule!”

“What was that all about?” May asked.

Squiggy shook his head. Her hand was still getting closer. He thought back to when they were kids and they would play a game called chicken. The object was to see how close you could get your hand to a member of the opposite sex’s privates. Squiggy and the other guys never were chicken and always won, of course. Some of the girls were brave but would cave in when the guys got too close, or they realized the guys weren’t going to stop them.

For the first time in his life, Squiggy knew he was going to have to stop a woman who wanted to have sex with him. What made it worse was it was May, a girl he had fantasized about for years.

She was centimeters away from the prime real estate. Squiggy was feeling nothing down there. He put his hand on her’s. “Best stop.”

“Okay,” she said. “Want to go outside?”

He looked at her and saw that she had a look on her face like a male dog did around a female in heat. “That’d be fine.”

They stopped at the bar and grabbed a couple of beers. She kept pulling at him to get him going faster.

Squiggy opened the passenger door for May and she got in, sliding over next to the steering wheel. She barely left him enough room to get in.

He had to nudge her over just to get in the truck. “Kinder cold out tonight, eh?”

“I’ll warm you up!” she said.

She was all over him, pulling his shirt off and kissing Squiggy all over. She got down to his nipples and started biting and licking.

“Ouch!” he said. “You dern near bit my titty off!”

She looked up at him with an evil look. “I know!”

May sat up and started pulling her shirt off. She had on one of those fancy bras that barely covered the main event. Squiggy was in a trance, staring at those breasts he had often dreamed about.

“Yes!” he said and regretted it after seeing her reaction. May quickly recovered and loosened the bra straps, but covered up her bosoms with her shirt. Squiggy reached out and pulled the shirt away. It was a little dark in the truck. He reached over and hit the light.

As soon as the light came on, May grabbed her shirt back and covered herself up. “What are you doing?”

“Couldn’t see em with it so dark.”

“Turn the light off!”

“Lemme see em.”

“Not with the light on!”

Squiggy shook his head and hit the light switch. She moved closer again and dropped her shirt. He squinted to see but it was still too dark. He cupped one in each hand.

“Nice!” he said.

She purred like a kitten. “Oh, yes!”

Squiggy was wondering what her reaction would be after finding out his little secret. He didn’t have long to wait. May reached down and started unbuttoning his pants. She got the button undone and unzipped his pants. May stuck her hand in, found what she was looking for and then stopped.

“Nothing’s happening,” she said.

“I know.”

She messed around with him for a few seconds but it was a waste of time. “What’s wrong?”

May almost seemed to panic. She pulled her hand out and moved away from him.

“Don’t I excite you?” she said.

“You would,” Squiggy said. “It’s kinder a long story.”

“Tell me.”

He did, the whole details, only leaving out the part about not being able to get serviced earlier in the evening.

“You’re impotent?” May asked.

“Naw, I’m not any dumber today than I was last week,” he said. “I just can’t get it up.”

“Have you tried any medicine?”

“Naw, I didn’t even know I had a problem until tonight.”

“This is terrible!”

Squiggy shook his head. She had no idea. He didn’t want to go through life without having full usage of his appendage.

“I…I’ve, uh, gotta go!” May said. She finished getting dress, opened the door and climbed out. May slammed the door and headed back to the bar. Squiggy decided he had spent enough time in the bar tonight.

He sat out in the parking lot for a while longer, drinking his beer. When the door to The Last Call opened from the inside, he thought nothing about it. Squiggy just happened to glance up and see the couple leaving.

His spirits left him as he watched them walk across the parking lot.

Chapter 45

Chapter 43

2006-01-12T04:34:00.000-08:00

Even in the middle of a fight with his best buddy, seeing her brought a smile to his face."May, what's you doin here?" he said.He probably should have been paying more attention to his opponent as Mule took advantage of the opportunity and nailed Squiggy with a good haymaker to the left side of his face.

Squiggy fell like a tree after loggers brought it down. He stayed perfectly still as he tilted over and the momentum carried him down to the cheap flooring.It took him several seconds to regain his senses.

He rubbed his jaw and felt the knot forming just under his eye. "Crapfire, Mule! That's dadgum cheating!""You always says you don't fight fair," Mule said. "Neither do I! "May leaned down and helped Squiggy sit up. "Are you okay?" "Crap no," he said, then realized what he had said. “Sorry bout that.”

“It’s okay, Squiggy,” she said. May was cradling his head in her lap. Squiggy could feel her breasts poking against his head.

“Lemme up,” he said. “I’m gonna tear him a new one.”

“A new what?” Mule asked. He was sitting back down on his barstool, trying to find any bottles with beer left. His father had done a number on the beer.

“Something new that’s gonna hurt a lot, queer!”

“Squiggy, let it go,” she said. “Why were you fighting with your friend?”

“He, uh, I, uh…I don’t member. Something about his dumb daddy.”

Mule jumped down from the stool. “Don’t call my daddy ‘dumb’! He can’t help being a retard!”

“Kinder runs in the family,” Squiggy said.

Mule nodded. He was mad enough not to catch the insult.

“Can you get up?” May asked.

“Depends on what yer wantin up,” Mule said and giggled.

Squiggy looked around for something to throw at Mule, but couldn’t find anything.

“Shut up, Mule!”

“What’d he mean by that?” May asked.

“Nothing. Help me up.”

May helped Squiggy stand. He was still a little shaky and she steadied him. “Let’s go sit down,” she said.

“Get off my table, Mule,” Squiggy said.

“Nope! Ain’t gonna happen!”

“Guess I best knock you off it then!”

“Quit it!” May said. “We can get another table. I don’t know what it is with you guys always wanting to fight. My daddy’s still having headaches from Mule hitting him with his crutch.”

Squiggy caught himself smiling and wiped it away. “Let’s go sit down over here.”

There was a little cowboy sitting at the table with his legs crossed in a feminine manner. He was wearing a black hat that seemed to big for his body. He had a mustache that was thin and curled down at the ends because he let the hair grow longer.

“Git,” Squiggy said.

The cowboy turned to face him. He had a big dip that made his lower lip stick out. “What’d you say there, mister?”

“I told you to git. We needs that table.”

“There’s another one right there,” the cowboy said, pointing across the bar.

“I wants that one,” Squiggy said. When the cowboy didn’t move quick enough, Squiggy flicked the back of the hat so it covered the man’s face.

“Hey, don’t mess with the Stetson!”

The cowboy slowly stood. He couldn’t be much taller than five foot. The man cast Squiggy a dirty look while collecting his spit bottle and the drinking bottle.

“You best be glad I’m in a good mood tonight,” the man said.

“Why?” Squiggy asked.

“So I don’t kick your tail like your friend did.”

Squiggy reacted in a typical fashion. He reached over and grabbed the man by the nose and twisted it. “Get to kicking.”

“Ow!” the cowboy said. “Quit turning my nose like that! It hurts!”

Squiggy applied a little more pressure. “Say ‘uncle’.”

“I ain’t got no uncle,” the cowboy said. His head was turned in a rather awkward position. “Please quit! You’re gonna break my dang nose!”

Squiggy looked over at May and saw she wasn’t enjoying this. He let go of the short cowboy’s nose and sent him on the way. Squiggy saw May look the other way and kicked the cowboy in the butt.

They sat down at the table. May scooted her chair closer to Squiggy. He was about to say something when Fawn walked by. She huffed and said, “I wouldn’t waste your time with him.”

She walked away, leaving May with a confused look on her face. “What’d she mean by that?”

Squiggy shrugged. “Beats me with a stick. Wanna beer?”

“You know I don’t drink.”

He nodded. Squiggy did drink, of course, and could use a beer or two badly. He started squirming like a little bored kid in church.

“Do you want a beer?” she said.

Squiggy sat up in his chair and smiled. “Sure nuff!”

As soon as May was out of range, Squiggy caught Mule looking at him and flipped him off. Mule responded by picking his nose and flicking a booger back. Luckily, it fell way short. Squiggy was scheming for his next move when May returned.

“Here,” she said and handed over a beer. It was the good stuff, not the cheap crap Squiggy usually bought.

“Thanks, May!” he said. His head was hurting a lot less now.

She nodded. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I was about what happened on Thanksgiving.”

Squiggy had to burrow deep in the recess of his brain to figure out what she was talking about. Finally, it was retrieved. He had gotten in a fight with her father and plucked the man’s nose hairs.

“So am I,” he said. “Yer daddy still hacked?”

“I guess. I haven’t talked to either of them?”

“No sh…really?”

May nodded. “I couldn’t handle them any longer. I’ve got a little apartment in Poteau and won’t talk to them.”

“I bet they’s pis…upset.”

“Yeah, they are. But they’ve ruled my life for too long.” May reached in her purse and came back with a piece of gum. “Want one?”

“Naw, they make me poot.”

May frowned a little and Squiggy regretted that comment. She sat her purse on the table and stared at it for too long. “I’d kind of like to give us another chance.”

Squiggy about fell out of his chair. He never expected to hear those words come out of her mouth. “You sure?”

“I’ve never felt more positive about anything!”

Squiggy nodded. That was cool to him. He did have his doubts about whether her father would stay away.

“There’s only one problem,” she said.

Uh oh, Squiggy thought. His life was always filled with one problem, or more. “What’s that?”

“I have to move out of my apartment by this weekend and need a place to stay,” she looked at him for his reaction.

“You checked with any of yer buddies?”

“I was wanting to stay with you if that would be okay.”

Every alarm in his body was going off. A chick wanted to move in with him! “Uh, okay. The house ain’t ready yet.”

“It isn’t?”

“Not yet.”

“Oh…I guess the cellar will be okay for a while.”

Squiggy nodded. It worked fine for him. He just wished the mattress wasn’t all torn up now thanks to Mule. All the fluffy stuff kept coming out.

She leaned closer to him. “There’s something else I want from you.”

“What’s that?” he asked, a little worried about her look.

May leaned even closer and whispered words in his ear that Squiggy never expected to hear from her.

Chapter 44

Chapter 42

2006-01-11T03:32:00.000-08:00

The stuttering suddenly stopped.

"It's mmmy dddaddy!" Mule said.

Squiggy whirled around to look at the man. There was some resemblance, he decided. Squiggy leaned over and looked under the table at Mule's father.

"What're you looking at?" the woman said.

"Nothing," Squiggy said. "Mule, you sure this is your daddy?"

"It's him."

"I thought he was like dead or something."

Mule stared at his father, who was looking up at the roof. "Yeah, we thought you got ate by a bigfoot!"

"Naw, that's just what I told people to get your momma off my butt," the man said.

"Ain't no such thing as a bigfoot!" the woman said.

"Is too!" Mule said. "We seen one out near Squiggy's cellar!"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Go somewhere else, you scab," Mule said.

The woman looked at Mule's father for help. None was coming. She sat up straight and glared at Mule. "You can't talk to me like that! I'll go get my four brothers over there and they'll come over here and put some knots on yer noggin!"

"Go gets em!" Mule said. "I'll sic Squiggy on em."

Squiggy was in the middle of getting a drink. He gurgled up a large amount of beer. "Now holds on just a second there, Mule. Them boys are bad."

Mule paid no attention. The woman looked at her brothers and back at Mule. "I'll let it slide this time."

"Whatever," Mule said. "Git! I wanna talk to my daddy."

"I have to go urinate anyway!" the woman said and climbed down off the stool. She about lost her balance at the bottom but Squiggy caught her, almost ripping his shoulder out of the socket.

"Dadgum, that hurt," he said. "You's a big woman!"

She smiled. "You like that in a woman?"

"Not particularly. I gotta be pretty drunk fore my standards drop that far."

She nodded and headed off toward the bathroom. The woman grabbed an unattended beer off one table and slipped away.

Squiggy turned his attention back to Mule and his father. This was going to be good, he decided. Mule was one hacked off fellow.

"So, is this really your big-membered, dumb daddy?" he asked.

Mule nodded, then said, "That ain't right what you did. Makin us all think you got et by a bigfoot! We even put a cross with your name on it in the backyard!"

The man started to smile before realizing that was probably not a good idea. "I couldn't take livin with yo momma no more. Dang, boy, ever seen yer mother without no clothes on?"

Mule shivered. "Yeah, it ain't a pretty sight."

"You really got a unit big nuff to bruise yer dadgummed knees?" Squiggy asked.

"Not no more," the man said. "I had an accident and lost most of my goober."

"No way!" Mule said.

"Naw, it's true. I was having sexual innercourse with this chick and her brother came home and caught us."

"How'd that make you lose your thing?" Mule asked.

"I knew he was her brother so I wasn't too concerned until the feller pulled out a gun and said he was gonna shoot my dork off."

"Now why'd he wanna go and do that?"

"Cause he was having a thing with her."

"That's dadgummed gross," Squiggy stated.

"The man was a pretty good shot," Mule's father said. He shot me and knocked off most of it. We went to the doctor and tried to get it surgically repaired, but it was beyond repair."

"You's makin this up!" Mule said.

"Ain't nobody sick enough to make something like this up," the man said.

Squiggy nodded. Mule shivered. That was certainly a tragic accident. "Why'd you leave us, Daddy? Was it me?"

"Naw, you didn't get on my nerves that bad," he said. "I couldn't stay with her no more. She kept drinking all my beer and nagging all the time."

"So you made me stay with her! I been stuck there for a lotta years. I had dreams bout doing something with my life, but couldn't do it cause of what you did!"

"You wanted to do something other than sit around and drink beer all the time?" Squiggy asked.

Mule leaned over and whispered in his friend's ear. "Not really, just thought it sounded good."

Squiggy nodded and glared at Mule's father. "You ruined his dreams!"

The man yawned. "Sorry bout that. You seem to have done okay for yourself, other than yer choice of friends."

"Thanks, Daddy!" Mule said and brightened considerably.

It took a second for what the man said to sink in for Squiggy. "Say something like that again and you're gonna wish a bigfoot had ate you."

The man was not phased. "I whipped yer daddy and could kick yer lardbutt."

"You never kicked Daddy's butt!"

"Sure did, it was right between when he was married to the first Sally and the second Sally."

Squiggy's father was married three times. All three women shared the same name since it was easier for Elrod to keep track of them. He was a huge man, muscles swollen by a lifetime of hauling wood.

"Only way you could have whipped him was to catch him passed out drunk!" Squiggy said.

"Calm down," Mule said. "I wanna talk to my daddy!"

"I ain't calming down, Mule! Yer daddy might have had a big one fore it got shotted off and I'm sorry to hear that, but he's a dadgummed liar!"

"Don't be callin my daddy a liar!"

"He is a liar! He made you think a bigfoot ate him!"

"So?"

"So the retard's a dadgummed liar in my book."

Mule got down from the stool. He had a look on his face like Squiggy had not seen before. "Ain't nobody callin Daddy a retard or a liar!"

"You did!"

"That's different!" Mule started coming around the table toward Squiggy.

"You plannin on going redneck on me?" Squiggy said.

"I's gonna kick your butt!"

"Bring it on, ya homo!"

Mule stopped and took a drink. "I'm gonna hit you so hard you'll be able to wipe and blow yer nose with the same paper towel!"

Squiggy also got off the stool. He was a little sad that their friendship had come to this, but he wasn't one to back down from a fight. "Oh yeah! I'm gonna be on you like Michael Jackson on a cub scout!"

Several people started circling around, expecting a good bar fight. Mule's father was taking advantage of the distraction to drink all the beer on the table. Some started wagering on the outcome. Mule was a heavy favorite to win.

Squiggy heard the odds from one of the bookies. "I'm a ten-to-one dog?"

The bookie nodded.

Squiggy dug a five out of his pocket. "That's on me."

The bookie took the money and wrote it down on a notepad he always kept close. Mule and Squiggy squared off and waited for somebody to make the first move.

"Kick his butt, Mule!" hollered somebody from the crowd.

"Yeah! He needs a good buttkicking!" said another observer.

"I heard Squiggy can't get it up no more!" said a woman in the back.

Squiggy dropped his guard for a second. "Hey!"

It was the opportunity that Mule had wanted. He shot out a left jab that was headed for Squiggy's eye. Squiggy saw it coming, though, and ducked out of the way.

Squiggy swung a wild haymaker, hoping to land an early knockout. He hit Mule right in the side of the head, but he didn't even blink.

"Uh oh," Squiggy said.

Mule moved with amazing quickness and grabbed Squiggy in a bearhug with both arms trapped. He gave a big squeeze and Squiggy farted.

"Oh my gosh!" said one woman.

"That sounded wet!" voiced another man.

"The smell!" hollered a short woman who got the full blast right in the face.

"Sorry," Squiggy managed to say. He tried to wriggle an arm free for his patented eye gouge, but he was pinned. There wasn't anything else to do so he bit Mule on the nose.

"Aye!" Mule said. "You's bitin my nose!"

Squiggy growled to increase the effect. It seemd to work as Mule released the bearhug.

"That ain't fair fighting!" Mule said. "Biting a man on the dadgummed nose!"

"I don't fight fair," Squiggy said. He noticed some motion off to the side. "Yer daddy's leaving."

"I ain't fallin for that!" Mule said. He smiled and turned around to look at the crowd, expecting them to honor his brilliance for not falling for that obvious trap. As he did, Mule saw that his father was leaving. "Daddy!"

It was just for a second, but the opportunity Squiggy wanted. He grabbed one of the barstools and was starting to swing it.

"No, Squiggy!" a woman shouted. He looked around to see who hollered at him, saw her standing in the crowd, fighting to come toward him and Squiggy dropped the barstool.

"I'll be danged," he said.

Chapter 43

Chapter 41

2006-01-10T03:26:00.000-08:00

Squiggy about came unglued. Mule had just wasted a full beer by dropping it. Now there was glass and spilled beer all over the floor under them and Mule appeared to be under some kind of spell.

"Dang, Mule! You spilled a beer!" That was a high crime to Squiggy. You didn't waste a beer in his presence. After all, that was another one he could have drunk.

Mule continued to stare at the man over by the bathroom. Squiggy turned around to see what the big deal was with the guy. He was an older man with long and stringy brown hair that didn't look like it had been washed since Clinton was president. He wore a blue button-up shirt with the sleeves cut off at the shoulders. His shirt was unbuttoned about halfway down, revealing some cheap-looking necklace.

The man's eyes were round and full. He had a nose that was too big for his face and a cleft chin. He was slowly drinking a beer and looking back at them. The woman next to him was bad. A large woman with poofy hair. She was bad enough Squiggy wouldn't even pursue her if it was after midnight.

Squiggy waved his hand in front of Mule, not that it seemed to do any good. "Hey!" Still no reaction. "Mule, you homo!"

Squiggy pushed on his friend's arm but couldn't get his attention. He shrugged and turned his attention back to the beer and the dance floor. He might be out of action down there, but it couldn't keep him from enjoying the wiggling out courtesy of the dancers.

Every few minutes, he would look at Mule to make sure his friend was still breathing. He always was, but still stared at the man. Finally, Squiggy had enough. He got down from his stool and walked toward the bathroom. He approached the table where the man and woman were sitting.

"Move it, blimp," he said. The woman grunted and moved over. "Hey, you know that feller over there?"

The man looked at Mule. There might have been a touch of recognition, but Squiggy wasn't sure. The man shrugged. He opened his mouth and revealed what Squiggy considered to be crack teeth. Most of the teeth were missing. The few that were left were nothing more than stubs. His breath almost burned Squiggy's nostril hairs.

"Whoo, dude!" Squiggy said. "Ever heard of mouthwash?"

The man nodded but thankfully kept his mouth open. Squiggy could see the man's skin was rough and his face covered with blackheads, especially the nose.

He dug in his pocket and came up with a mint. "Stick this in yer mouth, smelly, and come over here with me."

The man stuck the mint in his mouth and swallowed it, like that would help with the bad breath. He grabbed his beer, stood and started following Squiggy. The man was huge, standing almost a foot above Squiggy, even though he was a little stooped while walking. He followed Squiggy over to the table.

With every approaching step, Mule looked more frightened. He was scooting back away from the table and his mouth was open. Squiggy sat back down in his stool. The man was standing next to him, staring at Mule.

"Sit down," Squiggy said. The man started to sit next to Squiggy. "Not so dang close. I don't wanna have to smell you. Get over in that chair."

The man followed Squiggy's direction and sat in the chair closest to Mule. The woman approached the table and tried to climb up on the bar stool. She was apparently stuck with her ample buttocks stuck approximately six inches from Squiggy's face.

At first, Squiggy didn't notice the woman's rear in his face. When he did, the Squigster was not happy. "Crapfire! Get that fat arse outta my face! My gosh! I'm gonna have nightmares!"

It was bad enough that she had her rear lodged so close to his face, but she also appeared to have a serious wedgie.

"Help me!" said the woman.

"Bullcrap!" Squiggy said. "I ain't touchin that thing."

The woman finally gave up on climbing Mount Bar Stool and climbed down. She almost stumbled and fell back toward Squiggy, who was almost knocked out of his bar stool.

"Watch what you's doin, blimp!" he said.

"Sorry," she said. The woman smiled and Squiggy saw she had lost most of one of her front tooth.

"Man, that's gross," said Squiggy.

"What is?"

"You."

The woman nodded and looked down at the table. There were several beers on the table. She looked at them and licked her lips. She even had a fat tongue, Squiggy noticed.

"Can I get me one of them there beers?" she asked.

"Nope. Go get yer own."

"I ain't got no money."

"Get Brad Pitt over there to buy you one," Squiggy said, pointing at the man who was exchanging stares and no conversation with Mule.

"He won't." She leaned closer to Squiggy, like she wanted to share a secret.

"Back off!" Squiggy said and held a hand out.

"Sorry," she said. "He ain't got no money."

That was not a surprise to Squiggy. The man looked like he had not worked in years. "Y'all got a starin contest going on?"

The two men turned to look at Squiggy, then returned to looking at each other. He caught the woman reaching for a beer.

"You still wantin one?" he said. The woman nodded. Squiggy handed over a bottle from the middle of the table. "You can have this one."

The woman smiled, revealing the bad tooth and took a swig. As soon as it hit her lips, she spit it back out, all over the front of her shirt. "That ain't beer! What was that?"

Squiggy was about to bust a gut. He had slid her his spit bottle and she had taken a big swig. This was almost too good. If only somebody had else had seen it!

"That ain't right!" she said, wiping some of the tobacco juice off her chin with the back of her hand. "I oughta kick your scrawny butt!"

Squiggy giggled. "Yeah, you and what army?"

"That army," she said and pointed at a table over in the far corner. Four men were sitting there, huge guys with arms the size of tree trunks. They all had long beards and wore overalls. "They's my brothers!"

She started walking in their direction. Squiggy knew he had to think fast. "Hey, hold up there." The woman turned around. "Sorry bout you drinking my spit. Here, I'll get you a beer."

The woman returned back to the table and once again started climbing the stool. "Gimme a hand!"

"I'll give you a beer but I ain't touching that thing," Squiggy said.

"Guess I'll have to tell my brothers what you said about them."

"I didn't say nothing about them!"

"They won't know that. Gimme a hand!"

Squiggy slowled moved his hand out and placed it on the woman's rather ample right butt cheek. He gave a shove and the woman was able to climb up on the stool.

"Now that wasn't all that bad, was it?" she said.

Squiggy scooted his stool away. "Mule, let's go!"

Mule looked at his friend and then back at the man, who returned the stare. Squiggy was extremely bored. Now, his buddy was locked up in a staring contest and this immense creature was sitting next to him. Squiggy usually could care less what people thought, but he certainly didn't want anybody to think he was with her.

Squiggy got down from his chair and walked over to Mule. "I'm leaving, dude."

He started to walk away. Mule reached out and grabbed him by the shirt. "It's...it's my..."

He was stuck, unable to get the next word out. Squiggy slapped him on the back and the word came out, one he never expected to hear.

Chapter 42

Chapter 40

2006-01-09T04:10:00.000-08:00

Mule was worried about his friend. He had never seen Squiggy this upset. "What happened?"

Squiggy stared at the beer sitting in front of him for several seconds before responding. "It didn't work!"

"What didn't work?"

"My thing."

Mule frowned. This didn't make any sense to him. "What thing you talking about?"

Squiggy leaned over toward Mule so his face was approximately an inch away. He looked very intense. "My unit didn't work!"

It just so happened that a strange quietness settled over the Last Call right before Squiggy mentioned very loudly about his appendage not working. Thus, a good portion of the people gathered in their vicinity heard about his problem.

Squiggy realized that he had said that a little too loud and looked around to see people staring at him. "It's just a temporary state of affliction! Mule let the dadgummed doctor remove my right nut without my permission!"

"Doctor said it was smushed!" Mule added. They were again arguing about the removal of Squiggy's testicle to a group of onlookers who thought this was very interesting.

"Never got no second opinion!" Squiggy said.

"That ain't right!" a cowboy at the next table said. "I'd probably shoot anybody who took one of my boys."

"Squiggy, are you gonna live?" asked a butt-ugly, fat blonde sitting at a table by herself.

"Ugh," Squiggy said after looking at her. "Yep, probably."

"Okay, but if you need any company, please let me know!"

"I ain't that ill."

She nodded and turned her attention back to the dance floor, dreaming of doing a two-step with some redneck wearing tight Wranglers with one of them little butts.

Squiggy shivered. Thankfully most of the people were going back to their own business.

"I said I was sorry and give you a present," Mule said.

"I know, it's just wrong, Mule! Wrong, I say!"

"I can guarantee you that from now on if you ever need a nut took out, I don't care if that thing's mauled and your spooge is dripping out, I ain't gonna give nobody permission to take it out."

"My what's dripping out?"

"Yer spewie."

"Why the crap would my spewie be dripping out if my last nut's been mauled?"

"I don't know that it would. I'm just using that as an example."

"Ain't a very good example. I'm about to yack."

"Sorry," Mule said. He handed Squiggy a beer. "We still buds?"

"Course. I'm rightly pee'd off at you, but you's still my best bud."

Mule smiled. His eyes were starting to water. That was one of the nicest things anybody had ever said to him. "What happened with the deer chick?"

Squiggy shook his head. It was obviously a painful moment, which made Mule want to hear it even worse. "Well, we head out to my truck and get in," Squiggy said. "I ain't even in the seat and Fawn's already naked!"

Mule was in awe. "You didn't have to try and take none of her clothes off first?"

"Naw, she did it all on her own."

"Wow!"

"Yeah, I thought it was cool."

Mule grabbed his beer. His hand was shaking so bad he had to put it back down. "What happened then?"

"Well, I looked at her and she was hot, Mule! One fine looking filly! Her hoots were a little small but they was fine. No sag or nothing."

"Man! I like them boobs like that. So was they like the size of an orange or watermelon?"

"Watermelon?"

"Yeah, how big was they?"

"I just said they wasn't all that big, you doofus. I'd say an orange, I guess. It ain't like I had a fruit there with me to compare em with."

Mule didn't like being called a "doofus" and was a little upset, but was too interested in the story to complain. "Go ahead, Squiggy!"

Squiggy took a drink of beer. "She was on me like stink on a turd, dude! She was practically tearing my clothes off and kissing me everwhere!"

"Everwhere?"

"Well, not everwhere. A lot of places, okay?"

Mule nodded. He gestured for Squiggy to continue.

"So she takes my shirt off and pulls my britches and drawers off and..."

"Was she a little disappointed?"

"In what?"

"Nothing...never mind."

"She tries to get my thing going and it's like my willie was dead! It was dreadful!"

"Dadgum! That'd suck!"

"It did! Fawn messed with it for several minutes but it was like all the power was outta my thing. Like somebody flicked the switch off and I couldn't turn it back on!"

"What did she say?"

"She cursed for the most part."

"That wasn't nice," Mule said.

"I didn't think it was."

"So what happened?"

"After a few minutes, she gave up. We got dressed and came back in the bar."

"At least you saw her naked!"

"Yep," Squiggy said and actually smiled. "Nice!"

They sat around drinking beer for the next hour or so. For some reason, several hot chicks kept coming up and hitting on Squiggy. He lost count at five. They were not your usual bar hides, either. Prime meat stuff. The kind that usually wouldn't give him the time of day.

After the last one left, a young girl who looked like a model, Squiggy shook his head. "We best be going, Mule. I'm gonna have nightmares about this night forever."

"It ain't midnight yet, Squiggy. Don't you wanna see the new year in?"

"Not really, but I'll hang out for you. How come you ain't got your usual sluts hanging around?"

"I told em that I was gonna have to keep you company tonight and they'd have to get serviced elsewhere."

Squiggy nodded. That was the mark of a true friend. He was looking at this chick on the dance floor when he saw a man staring back at them. He was a large man, a little older, sitting at a table with some scuzzy woman.

Squiggy whopped Mule on the arm. "Hey, do you know that guy over there staring at us?"

Mule was about to take a drink. When he saw the man, the bottle slipped out of his hand, hit the table and crashed to the floor, scattering glass.

Chapter 41

Chapter 39

2006-01-06T04:11:00.000-08:00

Mule almost looked like he wanted to mist up, but knew Squiggy would tear into him if he did.

"So's the wench like has me tied up," he said again.

"Like there's something wrong with that!" Squiggy injected.

"I didn't much care for it, Squiggy. I couldn't move at all and she calls over some friends. I'm laid out there on her bed, barebutted!"

"The wench." Squiggy didn't see all that much bad so far. He grabbed a beer and attacked it.

"I begged her to quit, but they wouldn't! They was almost like animals, Squiggy! They got them some feathers and started a ticklin my feet and..."

It was almost too painful for Mule. "And your what?" asked Squiggy.

"My...private parts!"

"Hang on here a second there, stud. You're sayin these chicks was a ticklin yer private parts with feathers and you's complainin?"

"Well, yeah. It almost hurt."

"Man, I'd almost give my last nut fer that."

"Hang on," Mule said. "That ain't all. After they got through a ticklin me, they got this here ruler and measured my thing."

"Ugh."

"Yeah, I know."

"So...uh, just how big was it?"

"Don't really know. The ruler was only twelve inches."

Squiggy looked like he had just swallowed a flying turd. "Dude, that's a big goober."

"Thanks," Mule said. "After that, they put all this lotion all over me!"

"So?"

"I didn't wanna be lathered up! Just ain't right, Squiggy!"

"Yeah, so what happened after that?"

"They kept havin sex with me. All five of them!"

Squiggy about lost control of the truck. He had to pull over on the side of the road. "Lemme get this straight. You was tied up, had your goober tickled with a feather and then had sex with four chicks and you's complainin!"

"It was five chicks."

"Whatever. The more the merrier, the old Squigster always says! Why you mad bout that?"

"They didn't ask me!"

"Big f'ing deal! If I ever did five chicks in a night, I'd probably bronze the old unit and hang it from the wall."

"I felt almost like some kinder sex toy."

"And?"

"They keep wantin me to come back over."

"Go! Take me with you!"

"That just ain't right, Squiggy. Forcin me to have sex with all them chicks without even askin if it was okay. I feel volunteered!"

"I think you meant violated."

"Yeah, that too!"

Squiggy drove down the road a little longer until they arrived in the parking lot of The Last Call. The parking lot was already full so he parked behind a Toyota car near the front.

"You blocked em in," Mule said.

"That's what they get fer buyin a foreign car."

They walked toward the front door, a huge smile forming on the Squigster's face. He had missed this place so badly and was expecting a warm reaction from all his buddies.

"I bet they missed me," he told Mule.

"Nobody mentioned it," Mule replied. "But I was only here five times in the last week."

"How'd you pay for that much beer?"

"Them chicks paid me a couple hunnerd dollars after that night."

Squiggy almost walked into the door. "Why Mule, you's a dadgummed ho!"

Mule hung his head again. "I know's it. I don't like it none neither."

They slowly entered the bar. Squiggy was smiling like a king returning to his loyal servants. He walked into the middle of the bar, still smiling and turned around, waving.

"Who you waving at?" Mule asked.

"Everbody. Look how glad they is to see me!"

Mule looked around and failed to see anybody who had even noticed Squiggy. They stood there for a few minutes, Squiggy's smile slowly fading as nobody greeting him with the warm reception that he expected.

"Everbody must be drunk," Mule suggested. "They ain't seen you."

"That must be it," Squiggy agreed. "Get us a table and I'll get us some brew."

Squiggy made a quick tour of the joint, looking for any hot chicks who didn't know him and looked dumb enough to keep him company. He only saw one. She was a tall blonde with long hair and legs that seemed to go on forever. As she passed by, Squiggy was in awe of her rear.

"Nice!" he said. Usually when some comment like this slipped out, he wound up getting slapped. Squiggy realized he had said it too loud when the woman turned around. But instead of popping him upside the head, she smiled.

"Thank you!" He noticed she had a small gap between her top front teeth and eyes as blue as the sky on a nice day.

"Wanna beer?"

She stopped and walked back toward him. "Boy, I'd do just about anything for a cold beer!"

Squiggy had to grab the table to keep from collapsing. "Really?"

She nodded and smiled at him.

"Maybe I best get you two then, huh?"

"I'd like that! How bout one of them pickles too!"

Squiggy frowned but nodded. He knew a lot of the guys liked the pickles here, but had rarely seen any women eating one. He approached the bar and slammed the counter.

"Howdy Shrek!" he said. The bartender was a huge man with an equally large head that did in some ways resemble Shrek.

"Uh, hello," the bartender said. He wasn't particularly fond of the nickname.

"I's back!"

"I see that. You been somewhere?"

"Just in the dadgummed hospital for a week!"

"Never knew you wasn't here."

"Hee hee, that's funny. How bout you get me started with about six beers and one of them pickles."

The bartender rounded up the beer and used a tong to get a pickle out of the jar. Naturally, he got the smallest one.

"Naw, git a big un," Squiggy said. He leaned closer and looked around to make sure nobody was listening. "It's for a chick!"

"Cool!" Shrek the bartender said and grabbed a monster pickle out of the jar. He handed it to Squiggy and took the money. He noticed Squiggy had tipped him a nickel. "Thanks for the tip!"

"Don't even mention it!"

"I won't again...you cheap turd."

Squiggy was about halfway toward the table when the last comment was made. He found the woman and guided her over to their table.

She sat down next to him. "Hey, this is my buddy," Squiggy said, motioning toward Mule.

"What's yer name?" she asked.

"Most people call me 'Mule'."

A touch of recognition flashed on her face. "I heard bout you!"

"What's your name?" Squiggy asked.

"Most people call me by my name," she said.

"Ya don't say!"

"Yep, I do. It's Fawn."

"Like the baby deer?" Mule asked.

"Yep!"

"Boy, I like to eat fawns!" Mule added.

Squiggy almost pounded his head on the table. That probably wasn't a good way to impress a chick, not that she seemed to mind.

"I know one Fawn who likes to get ate!" she said.

Mule almost dropped his beer bottle. Squiggy stared at her with his mouth open. Finally, he recovered. "Here's yer pickle!"

"Thanks!" she said. "Ooh, it's so big!"

"You like em big?" Mule asked and giggled.

"I like em all!"

Squiggy and Mule watched as she slowly took the wrapper off the pickle and brought it toward her mouth. Her tongue appeared and she licked the tip of it. They were in some kind of trance.

Neither of them said anything or moved. When she had about half the pickle in her mouth and moved it back and forth a couple of times, Squiggy nearly fell out of his chair.

"I gotta go pee!" she said after finishing off the pickle. "But I'll be back!"

Squiggy and Mule looked at each other, still amazed.

"Doggone!" Mule said. "I got a chub!"

"That why the table kept movin?"

"Probably. Man, I like the way she eats a pickle!"

"Me, too." They slowly drank their beer and watched the drunks dance. After a few minutes, something blew in Squiggy's ear. He turned around to see Fawn leaning close to him. She put her arms around him and came even closer.

"Wanna go outside with me?"

Squiggy didn't realize he could nod his head that quick or so many times in just a few seconds. Mule was watching in amazement. His friend had a hot chick picking him up. As Squiggy and Fawn walked toward the door, he turned and gave Mule a thumbs up.

Mule felt good for his friend. After all he had been through, Squiggy needed something good to happen.

It was about ten minutes later before Fawn and Squiggy came back in the bar. She looked a little hacked. Squiggy looked like his world was coming to an end. He came back toward the table, sat down and stared at his beer bottle.

"How was she?" Mule asked.

"It was bad," Squiggy said and almost looked like he was going to cry.

Chapter 40

Chapter 38

2006-01-05T06:03:00.000-08:00

The news was worse than Squiggy expected. It was a total shock what the doctor told him.

"We had to remove your right testicle," the doctor announced.

Squiggy was a little confused. "You did what?"

"Your right testicle was ruptured in the accident."

"My right what?"

He looked at his body and saw that all body parts seemed to be inact.

"Your testicle."

"What the crap's a testicle?" he asked.

The doctor looked at the nurse for help. She was willing to lend a helping hand.

"Your nut," she said.

"You did what?" Squiggy hollered.

"We had to remove your right nut," the nurse said.

Squiggy grabbed his privates. That was a mistake as the pain shot throughout his body. "Oof! Why'd you do that?"

"It was ruptured in the accident," the doctor said.

Squiggy grabbed his head. This was too much for him!

"Couldn't you save it?"

"No, it was badly damaged," the doctor said.

"Can I, uh, see it?"

The doctor took a step back. "Sir, we have disposed of it."

"What'd you do, flush it down the toilet?"

"No, actually we threw it in the trash," the nurse said, getting a dirty look from the doctor.

"You threw my nugget in the trash!"

"Yes, we did."

Squiggy groaned. How could this be happening to him? He would be willing to give up a toe or finger, but not a nut.

"Who said you could do that?" he had visions of a lawsuit. Where was the dadgummed second opinion?

"It was your next of kin," the doctor announced.

"I don't have no next of kin!"

"It was your brother, sir," the doctor announced.

"I ain't got no friggin brother!"

"Yes, you do. He's right there." The doctor pointed over toward the far wall.

Squiggy raised up in the bed and saw Mule sitting in a chair, looking up and away. "He ain't my brother!"

"He isn't?" the doctor asked. He also stared at Mule now, who acted like he had not heard a word.

"Mule! Why'd you tell them they could take my nut?"

Mule looked down at the ground. "They said it was a mergency."

"You will pay for that."

The doctor and nurse were looking at each other. This was not good.

"Sorry, Squiggy," Mule said.

"Yer sorry! You ain't the one gonna be without a nut. Crapfire!"

"Sir, you will be fine," the doctor said. He was trying to remember if the malpractice premium had been paid.

This was an outrage. "How the crap am I gonna be fine! I'm out of service!"

"Oh, no you're not," the nurse said. "Many people do just fine with one testicle."

Squiggy had to think about this for a few seconds. "You mean I ain't totally empty?"

"Uh, what do you mean by that?" the doctor asked.

"Can I still...you know, get a nut?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know, have sex and stuff."

"Yes, you can."

"Whoo, that's a relief!" Squiggy said and almost smiled for a second. "I don't think I could make it without that."

"It ain't like you been hittin much anyhow," Mule offered.

Squiggy cut him another dirty look. Some friend! "Is everthing else attached?"

"What do you mean?" the doctor asked.

"You didn't take nothing else off, did you?"

"No, we didn't have to remove anything else. You did have a broken pinky toe and a concussion."

"That why I got a headache?"

"Yes."

"I need some pain stuff. Good stuff, not some asprin crap."

"You will get another shot in thirty minutes."

Squiggy was not a person who liked getting shots. "I'd rather swaller a pill. I don't like gettin shot."

"You won't even feel it."

"That's easy for you to say. How long do I have to stay here?"

The answer was almost a week. On New Year's Eve, Squiggy was released from the hospital. During his stay, his only visitor was Mule, who wasn't allowed in the room. Squiggy was still not happy with his friend.

Mule saved a little grace by showing up in Squiggy's truck to pick him up. Both windows had been fixed and a new battery installed. As they walked out to the truck, Squiggy started calming down a little.

"How'd you fix my truck?" Squiggy asked.

"I paid for it outta my welfare," Mule answered. He handed over the keys. "I's sorry about the nut thing."

Squiggy nodded. He was feeling better now that he got out of the hospital. The pain had lessened some, helped by the pain pills Squiggy had acquired.

They got in the truck and Squiggy saw a box wrapped in a newspaper. "What's that?"

"It's a present to you," Mule said.

"What is it?"

"Open it," Mule answered. He hoped Squiggy liked the gift.

Squiggy started tearing on the duct tape and quickly tore off the wrapper. It was a twelve pack of beer.

"Do you like it?" Mule asked.

"Man, do I! Let's drink em."

"Okay." Mule felt a little better now that Squiggy wasn't as mad. He watched Squiggy take the first beer and drink most of it in one swallow. "Is it okay to be drinkin with your medicine?"

"Probably not," Squiggy said. "But who cares, eh?"

They took off back toward Langford, going the back way. It was starting to get dark and Squiggy drove slowly. He shared with Mule, of course, and the two finished off the beer by the time they got to Langford.

"Ain't this New Year's Eve?" Squiggy asked.

"Uh, I don't know."

"I figger it is. I guess we need to celebrate, eh?"

"Yeah! What're we gonna do?"

"I hear the Last Call callin."

"I didn't hear nothin."

"Never mind. Wanna go to the bar?"

"Course."

"What happened with that chick you left with that took a picture of my groin?"

"I'd rather not talk bout that."

"How come?"

"She was a little strange. We got back to her house and started gettin busy. Then...she tied me up."

"No!"

"Yep, with the dadgummed phone cord. I was laid out all naked and crap on her bed, tied up to the posts."

"Cool!"

"Naw, it wasn't. She called some friends over."

"Did you say 'friends'?"

Mule nodded. "I didn't think that was cool."

"What happened?"

"I'd rather not say."

Squiggy could tell his friend was upset, not that he really cared. This was good stuff. "C'mon, tell me!"

"You can't tell nobody else."

"Scout's honor."

"I didn't know you was a scout?"

"I weren't. Just said that."

"I was a scout for a week until they kicked me out for messin with the den mudder."

"What happened at the chick's house."

Mule looked down. This was obviously painful for him. He told a story that even staggered Squiggy.

Chapter 39

Chapter 37

2006-01-04T04:36:00.000-08:00

As a terrible event awaits, such as an accident, time can sometimes seem to slow down.

That was certainly the case for the three people in the pot smoke-filled police car after Squiggy veered away from the young boy coming from the other direction.

The intersection they were traveling through was a three way with traffic coming from the north, south and west. To the east rests a large two-story house that has somehow avoided cars and trucks for years.

Sadly, that stretch of good fortune appeared to be ending.

"Crapfire!" Squiggy hollered. "I spilt my beer!"

"I ain't worried none bout yer beer," said the police chief from the backseat. They were spinning and headed straight for the house. "We's gonna run into the Henson house!"

"Cool!" said the boy, who got popped in the back of the head from the chief.

There was really nothing that Squiggy could do. The chains in the tires were trying to get a bite on the slick roads, but failing badly. They narrowly avoided the post for the stop light, hit the curb and were propelled airborne, sailing over a row of shrubs.

"This sucks!" said the chief.

Squiggy kept his eyes open as the car approached the house. They were headed to a large window on the second floor. As the car made contact, the house caved in. The car made it through the outside wall and then collapsed along with the second floor down to the first floor.

It really wasn't as bad as what they feared. The air bag went off and bloodied the boy's nose again. The chief was thrown into the front seat, again injuring his back. The air bags soon deflated and the boy and chief helped each other up. They were in the middle of the living room and had caused a mess, of course. Wood and sheetrock were splattered all around them.

"We's alive!" the chief hollered. He reached over and grabbed Squiggy, who fell over on the chief. "Get off me, you queer!"

"Naw, I think he's hurt," the boy said.

"Oh. Sorry bout that, Squiggy."

"I don't think he's...what's that word?"

"Which one?" the chief asked.

"When a person ain't awake?" The boy and the chief piled out of the car.

"Asleep?"

"Crap no, you idiot. When they ain't concious."

"Heck if I know. What do you think we oughta do?"

"You're the cop. Ain't you trained for emergencies?"

"Sorta."

The boy leaned in the car. "How can you sorta be trained?"

"It was a long time ago." The chief moved some of the rubbish out of the way and walked around to the driver's side of the car. He opened the door and tapped Squiggy on the shoulder. "Hey, want a beer?"

"That's yer dadgummed idea of responding to an emergency? Asking him if he wanted a beer?"

"I figgered it'd work for Squiggy."

"You best call for a wrecker and an ambulance."

"Good idear!" The chief started to get the radio when he thought of something. "We gotta move him. I'd get my arse canned if they found out he was driving when we wrecked."

"Okay, let's drag his butt outta there."

The chief nodded. He grabbed Squiggy and started pulling his body out of the door and through the rubbish. The boy helped out and then took him over to the couch and laid him down.

"Raise his gourd up," the chief said.

"What for?"

"So we can give him a piller."

"He's like zonked. Squiggy won't know if he's got a pillow."

"Yeah, but once he wakes up, he might appreciate that we took the time to give him one."

"Go ahead then." Something was bothering the boy for several seconds, before realizing what was wrong. "We probably shouldn't have moved him."

"Are you friggin crazy? I don't wanna go on unemployment again!"

"Naw, I remember watching on television that you ain't supposed to move somebody if they's got a back or neck injury."

The chief put his hands on his hips. He thought about this for a few seconds before deciding to put a chaw in his mouth. He let loose with one of his disgusting snorts before packing his jaw.

"Maybe he ain't got a spinal injury."

"Yep, hopefully it's like a brain or something."

"That might be worse," the chief said and spit on the floor.

"Yeah, but we didn't cause it...That's gross! Why you spitting on the carpet?"

"They ain't gonna need it."

"It's the thought."

"Whatever. Figger anybody's home?"

"If they is, they's some deep sleepers."

"I'll call fer help. Go see if anybody's home and don't steal nothing."

The boy took off as the chief called for help. He got the same dispatcher Squiggy was harassing earlier. She actually sounded a little concerned after finding out that he was hurt. "We was gonna date."

"Best take a rain check," the chief suggested.

The boy returned back into the living room and stood over Squiggy, looking down at him. "I think he's still alive."

"Good," the chief said. His stomach rumbled loud enough for the boy to hear.

"Dadgum!" he said. "You ain't gonna cheese, is you?"

"Naw, I'm starvin. Ain't ate enough today."

The Langford Police Chief walked into the still enact kitchen and started going through the cabinets and the refrigerator. As the boy stood over the fallen Squigster, he smelled something.

"You cookin?" he asked.

"Yep, got some bacon fryin. Want some?"

"You's gonna eat they's food?"

"Shore. Lectricity's out. Food will go bad if I don't. Good thing they got gas."

"And you don't."

The chief laughed and spit in the clean sink. He had the eggs, bacon and biscuits ready by the time the ambulance showed up. The boy unlocked the front door and let them in. The chief was sitting down at what was left of the table with his plate stacked a good four inches high of food. The boy got his plate, a much smaller helping, he noticed, and sat down in the recliner and kicked back. He grabbed the remote and hit the power button, but nothing happened.

"Dadgum television ain't workin!" he complained.

"No electricity," said the first EMT. He was a large man wearing what looked to be a perm. His partner was a female who looked like she could kick everybody's butt in the house and like it.

"What happened to him?" she asked, pointing at Squiggy.

"We wrecked," said the boy.

"You don't say?" said the male EMT.

"Yep, just did."

"Who moved him?" the woman asked. The chief and boy pointed at each other.

"That wasn't a wise move," said the male EMT. "Say, you got any more biscuits?"

"We don't have time to eat," she said.

"Oh, yeah. Let's check him out."

They examined Squiggy for several minutes before deciding they needed to haul him off to the hospital. The male EMT left and returned several minutes later with a back board. They secured Squiggy's back and neck and placed him on the board. The chief was still eating as they tried to carry Squiggy out to the ambulance.

"How bout a little help?" she suggested.

"Almost through," the chief said.

"Can't you come back and finish?"

"I reckon so." The chief groaned and grabbed part of the board, as did the boy. They took Squiggy out to the ambulance, almost slipping and dropping him twice.

"Dadgum ice is slick," the boy stated.

"It usually is," she said. They finished loading up Squiggy and the female EMT stayed in the back to work on him as the male got behind the wheel and drove off.

The drive to the Poteau hospital was slow. Most of the staff had called in and said they couldn't make it in. Luckily, few patients were in need of medical care. After arriving at the hospital, they placed Squiggy in a room. The nurses came in and started examining him. The doctor showed up a few minutes later and did his examination.

Sadly, he was in need of surgery. Squiggy was out for some five hours before he finally came back to the land of the living. Standing next to him was a nurse and a foreign doctor.

"Hey baby," Squiggy said. "I need a beer."

"That ees not a good idea," said the doctor.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Doctor Mustaf Kutthechez."

"You a terrorist?"

"No, like I said, I am your doctor."

"Ain't there any whites around?"

"No, sir, I am the only doctor on call today."

Squiggy tried to sit up, but couldn't.

"What's wrong with me?"

"We had to operate, sir. I'm sorry, but I must give you bad report."

Chapter 38

Chapter 36

2006-01-03T04:11:00.000-08:00

Squiggy had just shoved in a handful of Pringles when he saw the passenger side door open on the car parked behind him.

He tried to ask the boy something, but had too many chips in his mouth. Knowing his ability to talk would be hampered for a few seconds, Squiggy rolled down the window and saw who was coming up behind him.

It was Police Chief Arnold and he didn't look all that happy. He was getting out of another police car that was parked behind him. The chief would take a couple of steps before stopping to grab his back and grimace.

"He don't look happy," the boy said.

"Naw, he don't," Squiggy agreed, right before he shoved another handful of chips in his mouth.

The chief was approaching them with his usual stiff-legged walk, looking like something was jammed up his rectum. He started waving his arms, like that would help.

"Reckon we oughta drive off?" the boy asked.

Squiggy shook his head since he couldn't talk. Actually, he wanted to hear what the chief had to say. Squiggy was expecting praise for stepping up to the plate and providing law enforcement when nobody had even asked him to do so.

The chief finally arrived at his car and stuck his hand in the window. He immediately pulled it back out and started waving his hands and coughing.

"What the crap's that smell?" he asked. "Hey, is that a Little Debbie wrapper? You boys didn't eat my Little Debbie's, did you?"

Squiggy and the boy looked at each other and laughed. Squiggy's mouth was still about half full of chips. "I saved you some Pringles." He opened his mouth and spit the half-eaten chips back in the can.

The chief looked like somebody had just showed him something disgusting. "Is that marywanna?"

The boy nodded. The chief leaned against the car and shook his head.

"I can't believe you boys been smokin pot in my police car!"

"We's been police occifers," Squiggy said. He popped out a beer and took a swig.

"No!" the chief hollered. "You can't smoke pot and drink beer in my police car!"

"You do."

"I don't smoke pot!"

"You drive round drinkin the beer," Squiggy arged.

"Not where nobody can see me!"

"Want one?"

"Best not. I just took enough pain medicine to sterilize a rhino."

"What you doin out here?" the boy asked. "We got things under control."

"Shut up," the chief said. "I got calls from the dispatcher and several others complaining about some cop trying to hit on the dispatcher and then somebody driving my car running cars off the road."

"Hee hee," Squiggy giggled.

"Now that's funny," the boy suggested. Apparently, the chief didn't find so much humor in it.

"Thought I told you to zip it," he said.

"Actually, you told me to shut up."

"Then do it." The chief looked around his car for damage. "Y'all gonna git me fired. Hey, is that a bong?"

"Dern straight," the boy said. The chief backhanded him in the mouth.

"Told you to shut up," he said.

"But you asked a question."

"Not to you," the chief said. "Squiggy, you can't be doin this!"

"Is okey dokey, Porky. Wanna ride with us for a while?"

The chief looked back at the other car and waved it away. "Might as well. The wife's on the rag about everything today."

Squiggy unlocked the back door and the chief got in. The doors locked and Squiggy laughed.

"Now we got you," he said.

The chief laughed also, but was a little worried. "What do you mean by that?"

"You'll see."

"Gimme one of them beers," the chief said. The boy handed one back. "Y'all gonna have to stop playing cop now."

As if on cue, the dispatcher came back on the radio announcing an alarm at the branch bank on the north end of town.

Squiggy picked up the microphone. "That's a big ten-four, good buddy! We've got the metal to the petal and...dern, that ain't right. We's heading out...You the same chick we talked to earlier?"

"Afraid so."

"We's goin out?"

"Squiggy!" the chief yelped.

"Shut up, Porky. I'm trying to get some."

The radio kicked back to life. "You know that as long as you hold the button down I can hear everything you're saying."

"So you heard what I just said."

"Yes I did."

"Got a problem with it?"

Squiggy revved up the engine and took off, almost sliding into the ditch.

"Depends on what you look like," the dispatcher said.

"I'm tall, long hair and build like one of the chirpendale dancers."

The boy and chief laughed. The boy grabbed the microphone. "He's lying!"

"I figured as much," the dispatcher responded. "I figure you're short with a belly, losing your hair, drunk and haven't shaven in a week."

"How'd you know that?" Squiggy asked.

"I have my sources."

"C'mon now, tell me!" Squiggy pleaded. He had gotten back to the highway and was flying down the road.

"I got another call," she said.

As they approached the top of the hill and the road leading out to the lake, Squiggy had the car going about as fast as possible on the icey roads. There is a blind spot for drivers entering the highway. They have to proceed carefully to avoid a collision. As the police car neared the intersection, an old truck was coming toward them from the east. From the north, a 16-year old was driving his mother's car too fast. He had never driven on ice before and was rushing because he was late for work.

The man driving the truck from the east had the back loaded down with a round bale of hay. As he approached the stop sign, his worn out tires couldn't catch on the ice and the truck went into the intersection, into the direct line of the boy and the small car. The boy jerked his car to the left, right toward where the police car was heading.

"Look out!" the chief screamed.

"We's gonna wreck!" Squiggy hollered and jerked the wheel to the right.

"Cool," said the boy.

The truck caught the boy's car and sent it directly in the path of the police car. Squiggy managed to avoid the accident, but quickly realized he had lost control and this was going to be worse.

Chapter 37

Chapter 35

2006-01-02T06:06:00.000-08:00

Squiggy was about ready to call it a day, until he saw what the boy had taken from the big woman's house.

"Ain't that pot?" he asked.

"Dern straight," the boy said. He was holding a sandwich bag filled with marijuana, wrapping paper and a bong.

"Hee hee," Squiggy said. "You stole her dope!"

"Yep, wanna try some?"

"Aw, I best not. Pot makes me do stupid stuff."

"So?"

"I best not."

The boy shook his head. "C'mon, dude! It'd be cool. Riding round in the cop car gettin high!"

Squiggy smiled. That would be a good one. "Maybe one."

"Cool."

They got in the cruiser and slowly drove off as the boy prepared the bong. He had it loaded up and took the first hit. The smell quickly reached Squiggy's nose.

"Man, I ain't smoked pot in years," he said.

The boy passed the bong over to Squiggy, who took a hit and released the smoke. "Dern!"

"Good stuff, eh?"

Squiggy had a brief coughing fit. "Yep, lemme hit that again."

"Ain't yer turn."

"Then hurry up."

Squiggy made it to the highway and they drove up and down the road. The smoke soon was so thick that nobody could see inside and Squiggy was driving all over the road.

After a few hits, Squiggy started giggling and couldn't quit.

"What's so funny?" the boy asked.

"We's gettin high in the cop car!"

"Yeah!"

A call came in over the radio requesting assistance on a family disturbance on East third street.

"That us?" the boy asked.

"Figger it is. Tell em to leave us alone. We's busy."

"Serious?"

Squiggy nodded. He was enjoying this too much to be bothered with any law enforcing.

The boy picked up the microphone and pushed the button. "Hey, you needs to leave us be. We's busy right now."

"Sir, the caller said it is an emergency!" the operator pleaded.

The boy looked at Squiggy and giggled. "She called me 'sir'!"

Squiggy joined in. Through the fog of the car, he could see a car coming toward them on the highway. "Watch this!"

He drove straight toward the car, a blue Honda Civic. The other driver was hesitant for a second, then drove off in the ditch to avoid getting hit by the police car.

"Awesome!" the boy said, then coughed. "I'm, uh, high!"

"I'm, uh, Squiggy. Glad to meet you."

The radio blared again. "Sir, do we need to send somebody else to check out the disturbance?"

"Lemme see that," Squiggy said. He grabbed the microphone and keyed the switch. "Officer High and I'll check that out but after that you need to leave us alone. Who is this?"

"I'm the dispatcher."

Squiggy made a u-turn on the highway and almost slid into the gas tanks at a convenience store. "I know that. What's yer name?"

"Adrienne Bolt."

"You purdy?" Squiggy asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I asked if you was purdy?"

"Sir, I am at work."

"So, that don't mean you can't tell us if you's pretty."

"I'm okay," she said. "A little plump but my friends say I have a good personality."

The boy grabbed the microphone. "When you say a little plump, do you mean like whale fat or just a little jiggle?"

"I'm not that big."

Squiggy laughed. "Ask her about her boobs."

The boy looked a little worried. "You best do that."

He handed Squiggy back the microphone. "Tell us bout your jugs."

"Excuse me?"

"Tell us bout your melons."

"What do you want to know about them?"

"Is they nice? Saggy? Whatever."

"I have two of them. That's all you need to know."

Squiggy squinted at the radio. He had forgotten where they were going. "What was that address?"

She repeated it. "Hey, you wanna ride round with us?" Squiggy asked.

"I, uh, don't get off for two hours."

"Dang, you take a long time," Squiggy said. "I usually can't last more'n a few minutes."

The boy laughed so hard he spilled the pot on the floor.

"That doesn't surprise me," she said.

They pulled up in front of the house. It was one of the many rental houses on the east side of town. A small one. The screen door was torn off the hinges and the front door appeared to be kicked in. Squiggy and the boy got out of the car and started walking toward the house.

Squiggy noticed the boy was carrying the bong. "Best put that up. They might try and steal it."

The boy sat down in the car and lit up one more hit before joining Squiggy on the porch. Squiggy's eyes were foggy now and he had trouble finding the door handle. The boy pushed the door open.

"Freeze!" he hollered, then started laughing hard enough that he doubled over and fell to the ground. Squiggy walked in past him. The front room was a mess. Trash scattered all over. He walked through the darkened house.

"Hey, anybody here?" he hollered. Squiggy was about to give up when he heard a scream from a bedroom. He walked down the narrow hallway to the bedroom. The boy came up behind him.

"Kick it in!" the boy suggested. "That'd be cool!"

Squiggy giggled. "Okay!" He gave the door a good kick. The only problem was the door wasn't shut and opened a lot easier than he expected. Squiggy lost his balance and crashed to the floor. He shook his head and was helped up by the boy.

"Wrong door," the boy said. They heard another scream and realized it was coming from the other door.

This time, Squiggy tried the door handle. The door opened easily. It was pitch dark inside. He could hear some commotion coming from somewhere in the room, but the curtains shut out all the light. He fumbled around for a light switch and found it.

When he flicked the switch, the lights showed a Mexican man and woman fighting on the bed. He was a little squirt, nude as the day he was born. The woman was rather large, dressed and appeared like she wanted to stay that way.

The man had a steak knife in his hand, trying to use it on the woman.

"Hey, drop the knife, beaner!" the boy said.

The Mexican turned around for a second. He looked insane.

"We's the law!" Squiggy hollered. "Get off the fat chick!"

The woman was still struggling with the man, but cast Squiggy a dirty look. Apparently her grasp of English was fairly good.

"Whatta we goin to do?" the bloodied boy asked.

"Go get him off her," Squiggy said.

"Heck no, he's got a knife. You do it!"

Squiggy wasn't in the mood to fight a knife-carrying person, especially a Mexican one. He looked around for a weapon. Squiggy was about to give up when he saw something.

"What're you doing?" the boy asked.

Squiggy had found a towel on the floor. He whipped it up in a ball and walked toward the bed. Squiggy pulled the towel back and whipped it toward the man's head. It sounded like a whip going through the air. The first hit left a whelp on the man's neck.

"Good one!" the boy hollered. The Mexican turned around just in time for the second shot. This one caught him right in the mouth.

"Urgh!" he said. The man rubbed his mouth, forgetting for just a brief second the woman under him. She took advantage and tossed him off the bed. He hit his head on the nightstand and wound up sprawled on the floor. Squiggy walked over and stepped on the Mexican's hand.

He motioned for the boy to come over and get the knife. But before he got there, the woman did. It was like she was a wrestler coming off the top rope. She did a belly splash on the Mexican, causing a loud "oof". Squiggy grabbed the knife and moved back to watch her attack the man.

It was not a pretty sight. She delivered a pounding that was worse than Squiggy had ever seen. After a few minutes, they decided that justice had been served and walked back out to the car.

"Dude, I'm like seriously hungry," the boy said.

"So am I. Porky's gotta have some snacks in here. Open the glove container."

No luck. They were about to give up when the boy raised up the middle seat. It was like a mini-convenience store. Snack cakes, cookies, chips and much more.

"Nice!" Squiggy said. He grabbed a box and went to work.

The boy was eating a bag of chips. He saw what Squiggy had done and wasn't happy. "Hey, you ate a whole box of Little Debbie's!"

"They's my favorite," Squiggy said. He had chocolate and icing smeared all over his face. "They's one left."

"Lemme have it. I do like my Little Debbie's!"

Squiggy handed over the last snack cake and opened a can of Pringles when he looked up and saw the headlights behind him.

Chapter 36

Chapter 34

2005-12-30T04:00:00.000-08:00

Squiggy glared at the woman for a few seconds.

"Hee hee, that's funny," he finally said.

"Yes, it is," she said.

"Phones can't take no pictures!"

She held the phone up for him to see. "This one can."

Squiggy leaned over and looked at the picture displayed on the phone. Apparently she was right. "Hey, that's my Willie!"

"Yeah, not much to look at."

"It's darn cold out here!"

"Would that matter for you?"

"Heck yes!" He leaned closer and looked at the phone. "I'll be derned. You can see me in the back!"

"Yes, you can."

"Did you really send that to yer buddies?"

"Fixing to."

"I'd just as soon a picture of my dick didn't show up on that entrynet thingey. That just ain't right now."

"Doesn't stop you guys from doing that."

"I ain't never put no naked picture of a woman on the entrynet."

"That's probably because you don't know how."

"Naw, I ain't got a camera."

She shrugged. That wasn't her problem.

"When you gonna show me them jugs?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"You said if I showed you mine, that I could see your boobs."

"Oh, I changed my mind."

Squiggy stepped back, crossed his arms and glared at the woman. "You lied to me."

"Yep. How do you like it?" she was smiling and enjoying this.

"It ain't right. I wanted to see them melons."

"I'm sure you do. It's not that easy."

"I figger I'm gonna have to arrest you then."

"For not showing you my breasts?"

Squiggy nodded. "And for lyin to a police occifer."

"I wasn't under oath."

"What does that gotta do with nothing?"

"A lot. Are you really a police man?"

Squiggy loaded up a big chaw of chewing tobacco. That would help settle his nerves. Having a nude picture of him for anybody to see was bothering him. It was hard enough to pick up chicks as it was. If the women got advance notice what to expect, nobody would want him anymore.

"Sorta," he said.

"How can you 'sorta' be a cop?"

"Easy. I got the cop car and the radio gadget."

"That doesn't make you a cop. Let me see your badge."

"I don't think so! I fell for that once before and you didn't show me your's."

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

"You don't have a badge, do you?"

Crap, Squiggy thought. She was too sharp for him. "I'll make you a deal, okay?"

"Depends."

"If you'll erase that picture of my willie, I'll show you something you won't believe."

"What is it?"

"Mule!"

The mighty Mule emerged from the truck upon the beckoning by his friend. He slowly walked toward where Squiggy was talking to the woman.

"He's huge," she said and smiled.

"You ain't seen nothing yet," Squiggy said.

"So what's the deal?"

"I'll let you see Mule's thing if you erase my picture."

"Why would I agree to that?"

"Mule's his nickname. He earns it."

"Ooh! What the heck."

"Erase my picture!"

Squiggy watched as the woman did several things with her phone and promised his picture was erased. He made her scroll through all the pictures until deciding that she was telling the truth.

He stood up and looked over at his friend. "Show her yer tool, Mule."

"What for?" he asked.

"Me and the chick made a deal."

Mule shrugged. That was a logical explanation for him. He started to lower his pants before Squiggy stopped him.

"Hold up, Mule," he said. "Let me hold on to that there phone so's you don't take a picture of his thing. He's a little shy."

The woman was a little intrigued. She handed over the phone, still staring back at Mule. "Let's see that bad boy!"

Mule lowered his pants and drawers. Squiggy watched the woman's reaction. Her eyes bulged out and the jaw dropped several inches. She tried to say something but was stuttering.

"That's good, Mule," Squiggy said. "Pull em up."

"Wwww...wait!" she pleaded.

"Naw, show's over."

"I'll show my boobs!"

"Let's see em then."

"Not to you. Him."

"No go. Let's go Mule."

"Wait!" she hollered. "Lookee here boys!"

She took off her jacket and raised up her shirt. They were covered by a bra.

"You got a dadgummed bra on," Squiggy said. He was checking out the device in his hand, trying to figure out how it worked.

"Here!" she said. The woman removed the garment, revealing a rather fine set.

"Nice uns," Mule said.

They heard a noise that the woman recognized. "Did you take my picture?"

"Sure did," Squiggy said. "I's sending it to everbody on yer list."

"No! My daddy's on the list."

"Shoulda thought bout that fore you started messing with the Squigster. It's a good picture. Got yer face and yer jugs in it."

He looked down at the phone and waited for the message to be forwarded.

"Let's go, Mule," he said. Squiggy handed over the phone to the shaken woman and started walking away.

"Hold on," the woman said. "Wanna go with me?"

"Sure," Squiggy said.

"No, not you. Your friend."

Mule shrugged. He was a little tired but wouldn't mind hanging out with her for a while.

Squiggy watched his friend walk to the car, smiling over this little stop. He walked back to the police car and decided it was time for some more patrolling. This could be cool. As he got in the car, the radio was squawking.

"Attention all Langford officers, there is a 211 in progress at 700 Harry Crack Road!"

Squiggy realized the operator sounded rather frantic. He grabbed the mic. "Say, what's one of them 211's?"

"Attempted burglary!"

"Really?"

"Yes, officer, we try to avoid joking about people getting their house broken into."

"Can't blame you. What do I need to do?"

"It is my recommendation that you go to the house and make sure everything is okay."

"Hmmph, good idear. Where's that address?"

She read the address off again.

"Naw, I got the address. Just wondered where it was."

He could almost detect the disgust in the operator's voice as she gave directions.

"Ten-four, good buddy," he said. "I'm gonna go check it out. Wish I had a gun!"

"It's probably best that you don't," she said.

Squiggy wasted little time wondering what the operator meant by that little jab. He flicked on the switch for the lights and the siren and took off, going through town and the icey roads at 60 miles an hour. He quickly arrived at the house and slid to a stop, winding up barely an inch from the garage. That dang ice was slick.

He got out of the car and walked up to the front door. Squiggy rang the door bell and spit on the porch. When he looked up, an older woman with a body the shape of a swollen tick was glaring at her. She had her hair in rollers and a mustache better than his.

She had on a large robe that was big enough to cover up a small family.

"You spat on my porch," the woman said.

"Uh, sorry," Squiggy said. "What seems to be the problem?"

"I caught this guy trying to break in. I was in the shower and heard some noise. I came running in and found the little fart trying to nab my karaoke machine."

Squiggy raised an eyebrow and looked cockeyed at the portly woman, "You a singer?"

"I'm trying out for American Idol next year."

"Where is he?"

"In the kitchen. I got the little turd tied up in a chair. Fancy's watching him."

"Who's Fancy?"

"My dog."

They made their way into the kitchen. Tied up at the table was some youth, around eighteen or so. It looked like he had been beaten with a baseball bat. Blood was smeared all over his face and the nose seemed to be smushed. Both eyes were almost swollen shut. Fancy was a little brown Chihuahua darting all around, taking bites of the boy's ankles.

"You okay there boy?" Squiggy asked.

"No!" he shrieked. "I had to see this crazy woman naked and then she beat the crap out of me!"

"Ugh, he saw you naked?"

"I ain't a modest woman, officer."

"Maybe you should be," Squiggy said. "I think he's gonna be marred for life."

Squiggy walked over and examined the injuries. She did whop him pretty good. He could almost picture the woman enjoying it.

"What were you trying to steal?" Squiggy asked.

The youth lowered his head and looked down at the ground. "Nothing. My buddy bet me a six pack that I couldn't steal a pair of big butt's drawers."

The woman shrieked. "Are you calling me 'big butt'?"

"Crap," the boy said. "Here she comes again!"

"Stop, in the name of the law!" Squiggy said, then giggled. "I always wanted to say that."

The woman stopped and looked at Squiggy. "Lemme whop him a couple more times!"

"I think you dern whopping him enough. I'll take him in." The dog approached the boy and tried to take another nip out of him. He booted the little critter into the living room.

"You kicked Fancy!" the woman yelped.

"That's right, blimpo!"

Squiggy untied and then grabbed the boy by his shirt and led him out the door before the big woman could inflict any more damage.

As they walked to the car, Squiggy giggled. "Did you get her drawers?"

The boy looked around to make sure the woman wasn't looking. "Naw, but I did get this!"

He showed it to Squiggy, who couldn't believe what the boy had.

Chapter 35

Chapter 33

2005-12-29T04:22:00.000-08:00

Chief Arnold's protests fell on deaf ears. He didn't want Squiggy and Mule to leave without him, knowing how much trouble he could get in. The chief hollered loud enough to wake his daughter, a senior at Langford High School who drove the boys crazy wearing shorts barely long enough to cover her cheeks.

She heard the commotion and came out of her bedroom, wearing a tee-shirt that was cut way too low in the front for the chief. She was about to lose a boob. Chief Arnold watched his daughter walk to the door and open it.

When she waved and hollered, "hey Mule!" the chief about fainted. His daughter didn't need to have anything to do with these two guys, especially Mule.

Outside the small house, Squiggy and Mule were approaching the police car. Squiggy heard the holler and turned around, as did Mule.

"Hey!" Mule hollered back and waved.

"Man!" said Squiggy. "That can't be Porky's daughter! How'd you know her?"

"She likes to serve me my foot-long coney at the Sonic. She works there and is always saying stuff like how the bigger the coney is, the better it is. Don't really know what she means by that. I think they taste the same no matter how big they are."

"I go for the regular coney. Can't shove a big one in my mouth in one bite."

They climbed in the police car. Squiggy was behind the wheel with Mule in the passenger seat.

"Where we goin?" Mule asked.

"Just a riding round. Might make sure the town's safe."

"Good idear."

They drove through the deserted downtown and took advantage of the wide streets and lack of vehicles to do some serious donuts. One time, they spun so many times that Mule almost puked. His face was all white and his eyes were blurred.

After Squiggy had his fun downtown, they drove to the biggest convenience store in town and parked out front.

"What you gettin?" Mule asked.

"Need some beer, maybe some eats."

"You's gonna buy beer when we's in the cop car?"

"Yeah, less of a chance to get busted, eh?"

They got out of the car and walked into the store. Only one person was behind the counter, a tall boy with a shaggy hair cut. He was leaning against the counter, obviously wishing he could be home in bed.

Squiggy and Mule scoured the store. After making sure the boy was not paying attention, Squiggy shoved several items in his coat pocket.

"That's stealin!" Mule said. "We can't be cops if we's stealin stuff!"

"Why not?"

"Cause...heck, I don't know. Git me one of them Snickers!"

Squiggy added to his rapidly large pockets. He walked to the back and came back with two twelve packs of beer. "Hey, get us some of them breakfast burritos, boy."

"How many?" the pimply-faced boy asked, his voice creaking with every word. He turned around to make sure that these two men were actually driving the police car. They were.

"All you got."

The boy nodded. "How come you guys are drivin the cop car?"

"We's cops," Mule said.

"Yep, undercover ones."

"If you're undercover, how come you're driving a police car? Doesn't that blow your cover?"

Squiggy and Mule looked at each other. "Our other car's broke. This is just temporary. We trust you not to tell anybody."

The kid shrugged. Like he could care.

"Know anybody who needs to get busted?" Squiggy asked.

"My brother," the boy said. "He's been sneaking off and smoking pot."

"We'll keep an eye out for him. You got one of them discounts for cops?"

"Fraid not," the boy said as he put roughly twenty-four breakfast burritos in a sack and handed them to Mule. Squiggy paid for the beer and the burritos.

Mule and Squiggy walked to the car and got in. Squiggy revved up the engine and picked up the microphone. "Breaker, breaker, this is the Langford Police Department. We's back driving around."

It took several seconds. "Who is this?" demanded the operator at the emergency station.

"Occifer Squiggy."

"Who?"

"I'm Policeman Squiggy, dangit!"

"Uh, okay. No need to say breaker, breaker when you're calling us."

"Cool. Got anybody needin arrested?"

"Not...uh, right now. Where's Chief Arnold?"

"Laid up with back problems. We's fillin in for him."

The other side went silent. Squiggy could care less. He backed the car out of the parking lot and stopped near the road. Mule was looking in the sack.

"Breakfast burritos gimme gas," he said.

"Me too. Maybe we can have a fart off?"

"I dunno. I don't wanna soil my drawers. This is my last pair."

"Just don't poot out wet ones."

"Like I can control if my fart is wet or dry?"

"I can," Squiggy said. "Lookee! That truck's goin too fast!"

It was the first vehicle to drive past them. The truck was going at least five miles an hour in the dreadful weather conditions.

"Let's get him!"

Squiggy floored the accelerator, making them spin several times and almost wipe out the gas tanks before getting pointed in the right direction. He quickly caught up with the truck and turned his lights and siren on.

The truck pulled over to the side and stopped.

"Man, I wish we had a gun," Squiggy said.

"Probably better we don't," Mule said.

Squiggy walked up to the truck and pecked on the window. The man inside was a good seventy years old, dressed in a pair of Carhart coveralls. He was clean shaven and looked rather surprised to be stopped.

"Gimme yer license, old man," Squiggy said.

"What was I doin wrong?" the old man said.

"You know."

Mule had circled around to the other side of the truck and was using a flashlight to look inside the truck.

"Apparently I don't, or I wouldn't ask."

"Reckless drivin, fer starters," Squiggy said. "I saw you veer back there. Coulda caused a major traffic accident."

The man looked up and down the road. There wasn't a car visible in miles. "With what?"

"You never know." Squiggy tried to squint his eyes to read the old man's name. He couldn't make it out. "So...I think you better step outta the truck."

"How come? It's darn cold."

"Cause I said! Git yer wrinkly old butt outta the truck now for I arrest you for resisting arrest."

"I didn't realize you were arresting me."

"I ain't...yet."

"Then how could you be arresting me for resisting arrest if you weren't arresting me?"

Squiggy thought about that for a second. The old man was confusing him something bad. "Never mind, just get outta the truck."

The man stepped out of the truck and immediately slipped on the ice, falling hard on his backside. He watched from his position on the road as Squiggy looked inside the truck. "You got a search warrant?" He didn't try to get up, as he figured out that he would just end up back on his butt again.

"Don't need one," Squiggy said. "We's the law."

"That a fact, Barney Fife?"

"Dern straight." Mule and Squiggy had not found anything incriminating as of yet. It was bothering Squiggy. "Okay, old feller! Where is it?"

"Where's what?"

"You know what I's talkin bout! The crank, heroin and Mexicans you's a smugglin cross the river!"

The man laughed. "I don't have any Mexicans stashed in the truck. Don't have any drugs either. Too old for that crap."

Squiggy was getting too frustrated. Everybody had something illegal hidden in their vehicle, didn't they?

"Let him go," Mule said. "He ain't got nothin."

Squiggy shook his head. This wasn't right. His first stop and the guy was getting off! He glared at the man. "We's gonna give you a warnin. Don't let me catch you breakin no laws or I'll bust you." Squiggy held out his hand and jerked the old man up off the ice.

"You got a deal, Fife!" the man said and got back in his truck and eased off towards home at a zippy three or four miles per hour.

Squiggy and Mule got back in the police car and started patrolling again. They went back in the other direction and saw a car skid sideways as they got out on the road.

"Did you see that?" Squiggy hollered, hitting Mule on the arm. "That's bad driving right there, it is!"

"Dern straight!" Mule agreed as he popped a beer and handed one to Mule. "Hey, that's a chick!"

The smile slowly formed on Squiggy's face as he turned to look at his friend. "I know!"

They pulled the car over in front of the grocery store. "Stay here," Squiggy said.

"How come?" Mule asked. "I figgered you was gonna get her to show a boob to get off the ticket."

"Hee hee!" Squiggy escaped out the door and walked up to the car. The window was already down. The woman inside was bundled up like an Eskimo, but fairly attractive! Plus, she was a blonde!

"What did I do wrong...say, you ain't no cop!" the woman said.

"Wrong," Squiggy said.

"Show me your badge!"

"Fergot it at home."

"I'm callin my husband!"

"Uh, no need to do that now," Squiggy said. "Tell you what. Show me your hooters and I'll let you off."

"Excuse me? You want me to show you my breasts?"

Squiggy nodded way too quick.

"Tell you what," she said. "I'll show you my boobs, but you gotta show me your package first."

Squiggy started shaking his head. That wasn't right.

"You wanna see these babies, I gotta see the member first," she said. "Nobody's around. I bet you got a nice one."

Squiggy smiled. His reputation must have preceded him. He turned around to make sure nobody was watching and turned to face away from Mule. He dropped his pants and showed her his pride and joy.

"Move your shirt," she said. "I can't see it!"

Squiggy did as she requested. He looked down at her, right before he heard some strange noise. The woman was holding her cell phone out at him.

"Whatta you doin?" he asked.

"I'm emailing a picture of your dork to everybody I know!"

"Noooo!" Squiggy said. "Wait!"

Chapter 34

Chapter 32

2005-12-28T03:56:00.000-08:00

Many people living in Oklahoma had never seen an actual blizzard. They had seen some good snows, but the storm on Christmas morning was producing snow at a pace most people had never seen before.

In the driver's side window, Mule was writhing, trying to free his rather large body from the truck that had somehow trapped him. Squiggy made his way to the police car and got in, relishing the warmth that had been missing for the last several hours.

Police Chief Arnold stood next to the truck trying to pull Mule out of the window by grabbing his shirt. Sadly, it was not working.

"Help me, Chief Arnold!" Mule hollered.

The chief got his breath for a minute and gave it another go. This time, as he pulled, Chief Arnold lost his grip along with his balance as his feet shot out from under him. For a brief instant, it appeared like some magician had managed to levitate him. But gravity quickly showed its power and the chief dropped to the icey ground, causing a thud that could be heard inside the police car.

Squiggy found the chief's coffee and drank straight from the thermos. It was snowing so hard that it was almost impossible to see the truck now. He could make out Mule, waving at him and pointing down at the chief, who couldn't move.

"Crapfire!" Squiggy said and took another gulp of the coffee. He rubbed his bare hands together and left the police car. He walked over to where the chief was sprawled out on the ground, grunting. "You okay, Porky?"

"Grugh," the chief said.

"What's that?"

"My back!"

"What about it?"

"It's gone out on me! I can't move!"

Squiggy looked at the chief, then back at Mule. Both of them trapped. Who would have ever figured this? He would have laughed, but could tell Mule wanted a piece of his butt for getting warm in the police car.

"Mule, can you slide back into the truck?" he asked.

"No, Squiggy! Don't you think I woulda done that?"

"Uh, not necessarily. Where you stuck?"

"In the dadgummed winder!"

"Naw, something's gotta have you inside. Can you move your legs?"

"I can move one of em."

"Which one? Right or left?

Mule thought about this for a few seconds. He held out his right hand. "I can move this leg."

"Your right-hand leg?"

"Naw, the one on this side of my body."

"Why didn't you say your dadgummed right leg?"

"Cause."

"You didn't know the difference, huh?"

Mule lowered his head. He didn't need this! Mule would rather be at home in bed with his fat mother spooning him. At least he would be warm then.

Squiggy walked around the truck and tried to look in the window. It was blanketed with ice and snow, of course. "I can't see crap!"

"I don't want you to see crap!" Mule declared. "I just wanna git outta here!"

Squiggy walked back around the truck, trying to decide how to solve this situation. If he didn't have a raging hangover and had salvaged some more sleep, that would help. He leaned down next to the police chief and noticed Chief Arnold's head was leaned over to the left. Some drool had escaped his mouth and made it to the ground where it froze. It was like an icecycle hanging from his mouth to the ground.

"Now that there's funny," Squiggy said.

The chief tried to move his head, but was stuck to the ground. "I'm thuck!"

Squiggy solved the situation by hitting the ice, freeing the chief's head. "I best call for help."

"Good idear!" Mule said.

"Naw, don't do that!" the chief argued. "I'm tired of them ragging me for having to rescue me."

"Okay, I'll have 'em get Mule out of the truck and leave you here on the ground."

The chief gave this some heavy thought. "Naw, I'll take their help. Call 9-1-1!"

"What's that number?" Squiggy asked.

"Just use my radio."

"Oh, okay." Squiggy walked over to the police car and sat in the driver's side. He started fiddling with things until the lights and sirens came on. He grabbed the microphone and pushed the button. "Breaker, breaker, how bout them 'mergency people?"

He had the loudspeaker on, loud enough for half the town to hear, just not anybody actually at the 9-1-1 office.

"How bouts a smokey report?" he added.

"Squiggy! Turn them dadgum sirens and loud speaker off."

"How do I do that?" Squiggy didn't wait to be told, just started flipping buttons and switches again. The siren went off. Squiggy turned it on, off and repeated the process one last time just for fun. "Hee hee! This is cool. I oughta be a cop!"

"I'm sure everybody around here would sleep much better if you's was a cop," Mule said.

Squiggy nodded in agreement. Finally, he got the radio to work and talked to somebody at the emergency office. He finished the conversation and walked back over to where the chief was on the ground and Mule was hanging out of the window. His eyebrows were frozen and teeth were chattering.

"Did you get hold of anybody?" Mule asked.

"Yep."

"When they gonna git here?"

"They ain't. Said it was too durn cold."

The only sound for several seconds was the wind whipping down from the north.

"You joshing me?" Mule asked.

"Naw. Said I'd have to handle it."

"That sucks. I'd like somebody who knows what they's doing." Mule watched as Squiggy walked around the truck. "Where you goin?"

He was answered just a few seconds later when there was a loud explosion from the other side of the truck. Squiggy had taken the chief's nightstick and shattered the window on the passenger side. He looked into the truck and saw his friend's leg twisted up in the seatbelt. Squiggy got out his pocket knife and cut the belt, freeing Mule's leg.

"I's free!" Mule hollered. He climbed out of the window and landed on the chief, causing a big grunt. "Sorry 'bout that Chief Arnold!"

Squiggy walked around the truck and saw what looked like Mule and the chief mating. "We ain't got time for that crap."

Mule climbed off and stood. He walked over toward Squiggy, who quickly got in his fighting stance, slightly lowered with his face hidden behind two fists. He expected to get thrashed in this fight since Mule knew all his moves. But instead, Mule came up and hugged him, lifting Squiggy off the ground.

"Thank you, Squiggy!" he said. "You saved my life!"

"Whatever, put me down! I'm gittin dizzy!"

"Oh, sorry." He lowered his friend to the ground and they walked over to the police chief, his arm still around Squiggy's shoulder.

"Pick him up, Mule," Squiggy said.

"No prob." Mule grabbed the short and fat police chief and hoisted him up on his shoulders without exerting hardly any effort. "What do you want me to do with him?"

"Put him in the back seat."

"Your truck ain't got no backseat."

Squiggy pointed at the police car. "We's takin it!"

Mule deposited the police chief in the car and shut the door. He climbed in the front seat and waited for Squiggy. He had covered the broken windows with cardboard and some duct tape that Squiggy always kept behind the seat in his truck.

After securing his truck, Squiggy walked to the car and got behind the wheel. "You boys ready?" he asked.

Mule nodded. The chief grunted.

"I ain't never drove no police car before," he said and promptly floored it. "Got good asseleration!"

"Slow 'er down!" the chief pleaded.

"I's drivin, Porky. Don't be one of them backseat drivers!"

Squiggy started tapping the brakes and jerking the wheel, making them skid all over the highway. Fortunately, there were no other cars or trucks on the road, giving him a free playground.

He almost skidded into the traffic light pole and decided to slow down. Squiggy drove toward the outskirts of town and pulled into the chief's driveway. He and Mule got out of the car and helped drag the chief into his house. They dropped him on the couch and started to leave.

"I need them keys," the chief said.

"Naw, we's gotta borrey your car for a while."

"No!"

"Gotta get home, Porky."

They left and could hear the protests, which they ignored.

"What're we gonna do?" Mule asked.

He saw the smile on Squiggy's face and knew this wasn't good.

Chapter 33

Chapter 31

2005-12-27T03:46:00.000-08:00

Shortly after our two esteemed heroes passed out and started a horrifying snoring contest, the first precipitation found its way to the hood of Squiggy's truck.

It started out as rain, but had turned into ice during its descent to Earth. That drop was followed by others, of course, gradually increasing in intensity as the temperatures continued to go down.

The ice was coming down for a good two hours, snapping power lines and causing tree limbs to crash to the ground because of the extra weight. As the temperatures got below 10, water lines that should have been replaced years ago, started to buckle under the pressure, only making the conditions worse.

Langford lost power at eleven minutes after three on Christmas morning, a gift that Santa certainly did not deliver.

After a while, the ice was replaced by snow, making conditions even worse. It soon resembled a blizzard, one of the hardest snows many residents of Langford had ever seen.

At a closed convenience store on the north end of town, a truck owned by one Walter (aka Squiggy) Lewis was parked with the motor running. He had failed to add gas, never planning to pass out in the truck instead of the ripped mattress in his storm cellar. The engine coughed several times and died shortly after four in the morning. As the key was left on, the heater continued to work, althought not all that great.

Within an hour, his battery had died, leaving the two men without any heat. The temperatures continued to drop until hitting a low of seven degrees. Naturally, it started getting cold in the truck.

Without knocking it, the two men sought heat in their sleeping state and moved closer to each other, eventually wrapping arms around the other male. Shortly after seven on Christmas morning, Mule woke up to a strange noise. It was tough to open his eyes, but he did and could barely see anything. He felt a weight on him and looked to his left, finding Squiggy laying on him. His friend's hand had found Mule's crotchal region.

The strange noise was Squiggy's teeth chattering. Mule shook his friend.

"Hey, Squiggy!" he said. "Get yer hand off my unit!"

Squiggy groaned and actually moved closer. "It's okay, baby! I won't tell nobody!"

"Squiggy, you gone queer on me!" Mule shouted. He shoved Squiggy and his offending hand off.

Squiggy sat up in the truck and rubbed his eyes. "Why're you hollerin?"

"Cause you had yer hand on my Willie!"

"Bullcrap!"

"You did! Ya homo!"

"I ain't no homo!"

"Are too!"

Squiggy was about to fire something back when he started looking around. "What the crap?"

Mule was covering his body parts and leaning against the passenger door. "What's wrong, queerbait?"

"Stop callin me that! Ya retard!"

The two men were sporting nasty hangovers and had not even gotten close to the required sleep they both needed to function.

"At least I wasn't tryin to feel you up!"

Squiggy shook his head and rubbed his eyes. "Where is we?"

"In the truck! Who's the retard now?"

"Naw, I know we's in the truck. But where'd we park? And how come we can't see outside?"

"Don't know. Here, let's get a beer. That might help our thinkin."

Mule pulled two beers out of the sack. He tried to shake the bottles but they were frozen solid.

"They's frozen!" Mule said.

"Crapfire! I coulda used a beer. You got frozen snot hanging outta yer nose."

Mule rubbed his nose and felt the frozen substance. Now that was a first. He had never had anything frozen on his body before.

"What's wrong outside, Squiggy?"

"Must've snowed."

"That ain't just snow on the winder. Them's ice."

"It's okay, Mule. I'll just crank up the old motor and we'll wait for the winder to thaw and drive on home."

"Okay," Mule agreed. He was still shivering and looked forward to a blast of heat. He watched as Squiggy turned the key several times without any response.

"Crapfire!" Squiggy said. "Won't start!"

"Uh, that sucks!"

"Yeah, it does. No juice. Battery must be frozen."

"I'll check it out," Mule volunteered. He tried to open the door but had no luck. He saw that it was locked and pulled the lock up. Again, Mule tried the door but had no luck. "Dang door don't work!"

"Here, lemme try mine." Squiggy made sure the door was unlocked and tried the handle several times, not having any luck. "Crapfire! Them doors must be frozen!"

"What are we goin to do?" Mule was starting to get frantic. He wasn't much for small spaces and felt a panic attack coming on.

"Try the winder," Squiggy said. He had forgotten both were automatic window openers instead of manual. "Crapfire! It ain't gonna work without the battery. Lemme try this."

Squiggy turned around and tried to slide the rear window open. It was also frozen shut.

"We's stuck," Squiggy announced. "Somebody'll come git us out."

"No they won't!"

"Calm down there Mule."

"We's a gonna die!"

"Naw, we ain't gonna die."

Mule started pounding on the door with both hands. It did nothing but hurt himself. "I's scared, Squiggy!"

Squiggy was starting to feel the same way, but didn't want his friend to know that. He realized that there wasn't going to be a lot of traffic out on a day like that and if anybody happened to notice his truck, they probably wouldn't realize anybody was trapped in it.

"We's gonna freeze to death!" Mule screamed.

"No, we ain't. Just calm down."

Mule was twisting his head back and forth, up and down. His eyes were bulging. "Wait, I got an idear!"

Mule started digging around for an empty beer bottle. He tossed aside several before finding one.

"What are you doing?" Squiggy asked. He watched as Mule pulled his pants down and took his massive tool out of the camo drawers. Squiggy shuddered. Mule started urinating in the bottle, missing with about half the fluids. "You're peeing on my floor!"

Mule jerked in his friend's direction. He looked like a trip to the psych ward was in order. "It's be okay! I'm gonna save us!"

Mule finished and covered himself up. He took the bottle and dumped the urine on the window.

"Ugh!" Squiggy said. "You just dumped yer pee all over the truck."

"Yeah, I know," Mule said and giggled. "This will thaw out the ice."

"Naw, it won't. It'll just make my truck smell like piss."

"Watch! You'll see I'm right!"

They watched for several minutes. Score one for Squiggy.

"Now I got frozen pee all over my door," he said.

"Crap!"

"Not in here."

"Naw, I didn't mean that I needed to dump a load. What're we gonna do?"

"Well don't throw pee on anything else, okay?"

"Yeah, I was just tryin to help."

"Didn't work."

Mule started looking panicky again. "I know!" He started bouncing up and down, making Squiggy hit his head on the roof.

"Quit it!" Squiggy said.

"This will knock the ice off the doors!"

"Noooo, it won't!"

Mule quit bouncing and sat still, his shoulders slouching.

"We's gonna die," he said, softly. A tear was slowly dropping from his eye and running down his cheek.

"Naw, we ain't. I'll figger out a way to rescue us."

As luck would have it, Chief Arnold was slowly driving around Langford, surveying the damage. This was going to be a bad one, he realized quickly. Probably worse than the ice storm in 2000 that knocked out power for almost two weeks. He liked to turn around at the old store at the north end of town and was in the process of doing that when the chief noticed a truck parked facing the highway.

At first, he thought it was a truck that somebody was trying to sell. But as he made his turn, something bothered him. He had pulled to a stop and was staring at the truck when it started bouncing like somebody was making babies inside.

He stopped the car and pulled closer to the truck. The truck looked familiar and Chief Arnold was sure it looked like Squiggy's. He grabbed a can of de-icer and walked over to the window of the truck. He wasn't sure, but thought he heard voices.

Inside the truck, Mule was still frantic. "Squiggy, hug me!"

"Why?"

"I's scared."

"How's me huggin you gonna help?"

"It'll calm me down and warm us up."

"I ain't gonna do it. That's queer."

"Not as bad as you playing with my goober while ago."

Squiggy shook his head. "I wasn't playin with your unit."

Mule started banging his head on the window. "I don't wanna die!"

In between the headbutts, Squiggy thought he heard something. "Quit! I heard something."

Mule had raised a big knot on his forehead, right between his eys. He was seeing stars and dazed. "What was it?"

"Listen!"

They did and heard a knocking on the window. "Hello!" Mule hollered. "We's trapped in Squiggy's truck!"

"Somebody's out there," Squiggy said. He was almost excited.

They heard another knocking on the window and watched as some of the ice started melting away. At first, it was just the size of a penny, but it slowly grew larger until they could see Chief Arnold looking in.

"It's the cop!" Mule said. "Figger he's gonna arrest us?"

"What for?"

"For bangin up the titty joint and lying to the cops."

"Naw, he don't care none."

If it wasn't so cold, Chief Arnold would think this was hilarious. Squiggy and Mule were trapped inside a frozen truck. They actually looked grateful. Maybe he could use this the next time he needed something from Squiggy.

"Thanks, Porky!" Squiggy said. He saw the chief stop spraying the de-icer and walked back to his car.

"Way to go, Squiggy!" Mule hollered and hit his friend on the arm. "You made him mad and he's leaving."

Squiggy didn't much care for getting hit. He was already in a foul mood thanks to the hangover and getting frozen inside the truck and did not need much to send him over the edge. He spun around and tried to deliver his patented eye gouge. Mule was too quick and stuck his hand up to block the move.

"Crapfire! You blocked my move!"

Mule reared back and threw a punch, missing badly as Squiggy ducked. Mule's fist hit the window. "Ouch," Mule said. At first, nothing happened. But slowly, the lines started spreading across the glass. There were cracking sounds for several seconds before the window finally shattered.

"You broke my dang window!" Squiggy said.

"Sorry," Mule said. "I think I broke my hand."

"Good." Squiggy knocked the rest of the glass out of the way and started wiggling out the window. "Help me out here, Porky."

Chief Arnold was watching from his car. He came over and helped Squigggy out. "C'mon out, Mule."

Mule smiled and started crawling through the window. Somehow, he got lodged. "I's stuck!"

"Good," Squiggy said and walked over to the police car, the first time he had ever chosen to get in one without assistance.

"Help me!" Mule screamed.

Chapter 32

Chapter 30

2005-12-26T04:37:00.000-08:00

Mule was highly impressed. His good buddy had caused a stir with a hollywood movie star. Not everybody can claim that.

"How'd you kinder get into a fight with him?" asked Mule, sitting on the edge of his seat.

"Well, that Cruise feller and his big buddies started coming at me but I sicced Psycho on him," Squiggy said.

"You don't say!"

"Yep, actually I just did. So I got Psycho trained the right way. She went right for the gusty. Got the Cruise dude by the nuggets and applied enough pressure to cause his face to turn blue without actually rupturing a testicular."

"Psycho got him by the nads?"

"Sure did."

"What happened then?"

"Well, his buddies started coming after me, of course. But every step they got closer, Psycho clamped down a little harder. Ever got bit by a dog in the sack?"

"Just twice," Mule said. He shivered, remembering the way it felt.

"Hurts, don't it?"

"Darn straight."

Squiggy took a swig. He was feeling little pain at the moment, unlike Mr. Cruise with a crazed pit bull attacking his goodies. "So eventually they back off and I get Psycho off Cruise's balls. He was about to cry by then."

"Can't blame him."

"Naw, I wouldn't want Psycho clamped on my privates."

"Me needer. What happened then?"

"We all got back to our seats and started eating. I couldn't hardly get no service after that. Had to threaten the little waiter feller that I was gonna sic Psycho on him to get my food."

"That just ain't right," Mule said.

"Yep, they should have waited on me, by gosh!"

"Naw, I meant it weren't right you threatenin the waiter feller with a dog bite to get your grub."

"Whatever. You wanna hear the rest of the story or nag me."

"I ain't naggin you, Squigs. I always figgered you had to be a chick to nag."

"Naw, it just helps. They's better at it. Comes kinder natural, I reckon."

"I never thought of it that way."

"Don't surprise me none," Squiggy said.

Mule downed a beer. His head was not functioning correctly either. He wanted to hear the rest of the story, but was also ready for bed. He just hoped his mother would sleep somewhere else tonight other than his bed. She snored way too loud and always tried to spoon him.

"Finish yer story, please," Mule requested.

"Okay! So I got to talkin to the Cruise dude and he started talking to me about being his religion. Sounded pretty good and all but I had to turn him down."

"How come?"

"Had to be a scientist to get in. I kinder flunked science in school."

"I made a bee."

"Bullsnot!"

"I did! In fourth grade."

"That the last science class you took?"

"Naw, I took more, just can't remember any."

"Why do you member that one?"

"That was the only class I ever passed."

"Bummer. Did you ever have that teacher who got fired for banging the students?"

"Missus Slother?"

"Yeah, that's her name."

"Oh yeah, I nailed her."

"You boinked a teacher?"

"Course, all us guys did. She was fun but I still didn't pass her class."

Squiggy was frowning. This just wasn't right.

"She was fun, eh?" Mule asked.

"Heck if I know," Squiggy said. "I wasn't going to have sex with a teacher. That just wouldn't be right!"

"Wouldn't let you, huh?"

"No."

The two men were ready to call it a night. It had been a long day and night, filled with too much alcohol and not enough food. Their eyes were getting heavy and they soon nooded off into the night.

Neither one had bothered to check the weather and were thus unaware of the massive winter storm blowing into the state, one that was bringing with it record temperatures along with ice and snow that was predicted to blanket southeastern Oklahoma with at least a foot of the white stuff.

Thus, it was not a good night to pass out in a truck.

Chapter 31

Chapter 29

2005-12-23T04:16:00.000-08:00

Squiggy rustled in the sack to get another beer. He was rather lightheaded and knew it would be a good idea to stop, but good sense and Squiggy didn't always see eye to eye.

"I was gettin a little tired of Vegas," he continued. "All them bright lights were a botherin me and since they was bootin me outta my room, I decided to head on over to Los Angeles."

"Man, you shoulda taken me with you!"

"Couldn't, Mule. Had some thinkin to do."

"You couldn't think with me there?"

"Probably not. Don't do all that great with you here."

Mule nodded. This was such an exciting story. He only hoped to one day see a state other than Oklahoma and Arkansas. "What happened when you's got to Lost Angels?"

"It's Los Angeles, Mule," Squiggy replied, shaking his head. Mule could be such an idiot at times. "Well, the traffic was terrible. I thought it was bad here when a train was on the track, but it ain't nothing like it was there. People everywhere. Five lanes of cars all going like ninety miles an hour or sitting still."

"That's a lotta people."

"Yeah, it was. So I headed over to the fancy part of town and pulled into a hotel on some road with a bunch of Palm Trees lining the drive. I walked in and it was so nice I regretted spitting on the floor. Anywhos, I walked up to the dude at the desk and told him I wanted one of them free hotel rooms."

"Did he give you a good one?" Mule asked.

"Naw, kinder funny feller, he was. He told me they didn't have no free rooms. I told him he was full of dog poop, but I used a different word. That I had just been in Vegas and they'd give me a free room and I expected one in his hotel. 'This isn't Vegas', he said, real snooty like. He was wearing one of them dorky bowl ties and a vest so I leaned over the counter and grabbed him and told him to get me a free room."

"He deserved it, Squiggy!"

"I thought so. I never knew they had so many security dudes in one place. They swarmed me like flies after fresh cowpie."

"That ain't right," Mule declared.

"I sure didn't think so. They hustled me out the side door and told me to never come back."

"I ain't never gonna stay there! That'll show them!"

"Dang straight. Anyhow, I was a little hacked off at them. So I got em back."

"What'd you do?"

"I went next door to this frilly place and told em to let me use their crapper. I went in and took a dump on a paper towel. I wrapped it up so the lady behind the counter wouldn't gotta see my poop, you know, I figgered that might make her barf."

"Probably would," Mule agreed.

"So I snuck back over to the hotel and hid behind a fence next to the pool. When the coast was clear, I flung my dung in the dadgummed pool!"

Squiggy thought that was hilarious and laughed for several seconds, surprised that his friend didn't join in.

"Ain't you thinkin that's funny?" he asked.

"Not really," Mule said. "I think that there's a violation of some dang health code or something. Some little kid might've mistook it for a candy bar and took a bite outta yer turd."

"Uh, I didn't think of that. Okay, I won't laugh about it no more."

Mule nodded, still a little disgusted at the thought of Squiggy's fecal material floating around the swimming pool.

"You look like yer gonna yack," Squiggy said.

"Naw, lemme get a beer, I'll be fine."

"Wanna hear the rest of the story?"

"I guess...just as long as you don't crap in nobody else's pool."

"I didn't. After leaving that hotel, I drove around trying to find another one. Dadgummed Los Angeles hotels wouldn't gimme a free room unless I was a movie star."

"So what'd you do?"

"Found this one down near Hollywood and told him I was a movie star."

"They fell for it?"

"Heck yeah. He mistook me for some porn star dude."

Mule burst out laughing. "He thought you was a porno star?"

"Yeah, what's so durn funny?"

"You can't have no little dong and be a porn actor!"

"I ain't got a little dong!"

Mule stiffled his laughs. "What happened?"

"They gives me a free room, course. I stayed there for almost a week before they figgered out I wasn't some dude named Harry Wadd. I went on one of them tours where they takes you around to see the stars' houses. I made it halfway through it until they kicked me off for cussing these gooks who kept talkin funny."

"What else did you do?"

"Well, I went out to where they make them movies."

"That sounds cool! Did you see anybody?"

"Oh yeah, there were a lotta people there."

"Naw, I mean anybody famous."

"Sure. I saw that Jim Carrey guy walkin down the sidewalk with some hot chick."

"Wow! I always liked him...but not in a gay way."

Squiggy nodded. "I walked up to him and asked if he was Dumb or Dumber."

"I always wondered that myself."

"He looked a little concerned and started looking around for some reason. This chick looked like she had two basketballs stuffed down her shirt."

"Excellent!"

"I asked them if they wanted to hang out for a while, but they said they was too busy."

"That sucks."

"I kept roaming around, just me and Psycho. Lotta mean looking Mexicans and blacks in Los Angeles. I got lost and wound up in some fancy area. I was gettin hungry so I went in this restauraunt to eat. They wouldn't let Psycho in so I says that I'm blind and she's my seeing eye dog."

"Did they fall for it?"

"Yeah, they did. I let Psycho sit in a chair next to me, like she always likes to do. I was a reading the menu and the door person came over and asked how I was doing that if I was blind and all. I told him that I could see close up, but if it was more than a foot away, I couldn't see crap."

"Yer a smart guy, Squiggy," Mule said.

"Thanks. We got all situated and started drinking when these four guys came in. One of em looked a little familiar, little feller wearing shades. The other three dudes were bigger'n you. They sat down at a table next to me. I didn't expect no trouble until Psycho started a growlin at them after they got they's appetizer and didn't share any with her.

"She was a barkin and flippin slobber everwhere, like she always does when she's hacked off. The guy raised his glasses and told me to control my dog. I recognized him then. I says 'hey, ain't you that Missing Impossibility guy'?"

"Tom Cars was there?"

"I think his name's Cruise, like when you drive around. He ignored me and that hacked me off. I leaned back in my chair and asked him again. He nodded. I asked if they minded if I tried one of them appetizers. Before they could say no, I got one. It was some kind of uncooked fish that bout made me barf."

"What happened?"

"I coughed it up and threw it back on the plate with the others. That kinder hacked off one of the big boys and he stood up. The actor told him to sit down that he didn't wanna get involved in a fight in a restauraunt. I told him that was a good idea cause I'd kick his scrawny butt all over Californey."

Mule was sitting in the cab of the truck with his mouth wide open. "Gee!"

"Yeah! So I told him I thought some of his movies were pretty good, specially the ones where a lotta people croak and get shot. He thanked me for that. Then I told him some of em really sucked, like that one he did with his ex-wife, that tall chick with the funny talk."

"I saw that movie. She got naked. What kinder guy would make a movie with his wife getting naked?"

"Uh, nothing wrong with that, I don't reckon. But I'd just as soon as my chick wasn't flashing her goodies for the whole world to see. He was so mad that he was startin to shake. "I asked him which one of his wifes he enjoyed banging the most."

"What happened?"

"He stood up. That's when I asked him bout that cult he was in."

Mule giggled. "What did he say?"

"He didn't exactly answer the question. That Cruise feller was too busy climbing over the table coming at me."

"You got in a fight with a movie star?"

"Sort of."

Chapter 30

Chapter 28

2005-12-22T03:50:00.000-08:00

Mule waited impatiently to find out what happened but Squiggy was watching a red truck driving down the highway, revving its engine every few seconds.

"What the heck happened then?" Mule asked.

"Hang on," Squiggy said. He turned the key on and revved the engine to life. Squiggy left the parking lot and chased down the truck, pulling up next to it at the stoplight.

The red truck was decked out to the max. All the windows were tinted so dark that it was impossible to see inside. Squiggy tooted his horn a couple of times and rolled his window down. Finally, the passenger side window in the truck slowly descended. Inside the truck were a younger man with his girlfriend saddled up next to him.

They looked down at Squiggy with a small amount of disgust.

"Hey there, that thing got a hemi?" Squiggy said, sticking his head out the window.

The other driver smiled and nodded.

"I bet I can take you," Squiggy added.

"Ain't no way!" the other driver answered, shaking his head. His girlfriend rolled her eyes.

"On green, okay?" Squiggy asked.

The driver of the red truck nodded and got situated behind the wheel. His eyes were stuck on the light, waiting for the green light to appear. They didn't have to wait long. The light changed from red to green and the other driver squeeled his tires, floored the pedal to the metal and flew away.

Squiggy slowly eased through the four-way.

"They's beating us Squiggy!" Mule yelped.

"Hee hee," Squiggy giggled. "Watch this."

The black and white car came flying by Squiggy with the lights flashing. He had seen the Highway Patrol car coming up behind the red truck and decided to have fun.

The Highway Patrol car had the red truck stopped and pulled over by the next stoplight. Squiggy drove slowly by, honked and waved. The other driver didn't seem all that amused.

"That was a good un, Squiggy!" Mule said. He was also laughing. "So tell me what happened after you won the poker deal."

Squiggy pulled into a parking lot at the other end of town. "Gimme one of them beers."

Mule handed his friend a beer, even popped the top. This was so exciting that he wasn't even drinking.

"So I had knocked the fat feller out of the tournament and was a walkin away," Squiggy said. "I'd stolen the dork's glasses when he wasn't a lookin and was gonna throw em out in the road and let em get ran over."

"But then he couldn't see," Mule suggested.

"Naw, he could see fine. He just wore them cause it bothered the other fellers. So anyway, I thought that was why they was chasin me down. They caught me though."

"Did they bust you?"

"Not hardly. I tried to hand the feller the glasses but he didn't want em. So I asked him what he wanted. He was a big dude, even bigger than you. All musculared up like he was one of them dudes who strips down to his undies and poses for the chicks with the WD-forty sprayed on them."

"One of them, huh?"

"Yep. He was smilin and started pattin me on the back. You know me, I don't like guys to touch me."

"Yeah, you's afraid you might like it."

"No, I ain't! Take that back, you big weenied dumbbutt or I ain't gonna finish my story!"

"I's sorry," Mule said. He grabbed another cold refreshment out of the sack and handed it to his friend.

Squiggy was still squinting at his friend, but some of the anger diminished as he accepted the beer. "So the feller asked me why I was leaving. I didn't wanna tell him I was going to throw the fat guy's glasses out in the road to get runned over. So I just told him the tournament was over and I had kicked some serious butt."

Mule was captivated by the story. For a person with a limited attention span, this was about the most exciting story he had heard in years.

"Then the big guy asked about my winnings," Squiggy said. "He told me to follow him over to the cashier lady. I expected maybe two hunnerd bucks, or so, since that's what I paid to get in the tournament. We got over to the cash area and they asked if I wanted the money in check or cash."

"What'd you tell em?" Mule asked.

"I told em to gimme the cash, of course. So I stood there a while and they just kept piling more money out. I couldn't keep up with all the money so I asked how much I had won."

"And?"

"He told me twenty five," Squiggy added. "I ain't born yesterday and knew that wasn't right. There's more'n twenty five dollars there. They looked at me like most of the chicks do around here when I try to get em to leave a bar with me. Then, the woman counting out the money smiled and told me it wasn't twenty five dollars. It was friggin twenty-five thousand dollars!"

Mule looked like he had seen his bigfoot-ate father's ghost. "She said 'friggin'?"

"Naw, I just made that up."

"Did you really win that much moolah?"

"Crapfire if I didn't!"

Mule put his hands on the dashboard to steady himself. "That's a lotta money."

"Yeah, but it gets better."

"How could it get any better?"

"So I have them throw my money in a sack and start to leave. The same dude catches me and asks about my lodging. Well, I ain't hardly ever stopped up and tell him I'm always regular and don't ever need nothing to help me poop."

"He was a wondering about your pooping?" Mule asked.

"Naw, I was confused. He was a wondering where I was gonna sleep. I told him my truck, of course, and he looked a little confused and said they had some kinder sweet room for me. I could tell this place cost more'n the Motel Six, so I asked him how much that would run me."

"I bet it was spensive."

"Naw, they were gonna let me stay there for free cause I was such a good poker player. Free room, food and drinks."

"Golly!"

"Don't say that, Mule," Squiggy said. "You sound like that homo Gomer Pyle feller."

"Sorry. What happened then?"

"Well, I got Psycho and went up to my sweet. It was bigger'n most houses. Even had a bed in it. So me and the guy and Psycho get in the room. First thing that happens is Psycho takes a big runny dump right on they's fancy carpet."

"Did they kick you out on account of Psycho crapping on the floor?"

"Naw, I thought the guy was gonna get sick, but he got on his little walky talky thing and some Mexican guy came up and cleaned it up. I think it made him sick, though, cause I heard him doing the dry heaves while leaving."

"I feel sorry for the Mexican guy," Mule said.

"Yeah, so did I," Squiggy added. "He must've had to clean up Psycho's crap some ten times while we was stayin there."

"That'd suck."

"Yeah, better him than me. I gave him a five spot when we was leaving."

"That was nice of you."

"Yep, I tallied it up to fifty cents a pile. Anyhow, I got to eat free and drink free. All I had to do was put my name and room number on this piece of paper. After a while, I'd start making up names and fake room numbers on the ticket."

"Now that was cool!" Mule said.

"I thought so. Anyway, I was there for some two weeks, just eating, drinking, watching the big-screen television and going down to the pool to watch the chicks. Three chicks serviced me while I was there."

"For free?"

"Naw, I had to pay for it."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, but they was hot. Fake boobies and all."

"How much did it cost you?"

"I put it on that credit card that got cut off."

"They sexed you and put it on a credit card?"

"Yeah, ain't that cool?"

"How come they didn't hunt you down after figgerin out the card was a rook?" Mule asked. This high-tech finances was confusing him.

"I did that the last day before I checked out."

"You were with three ho's in the same day?"

"Yeah, I had em for breakfast, lunch and supper."

"Man, I'd like to stay there."

"I think I wore out my welcome. Apparently they didn't like for their free guests to stay but just for a few days. Two weeks musta been a little much, specially since I wasn't gambling with them. I figgered out they did the free deal cause they hoped I'd blow it all a gambling."

"Not old Squiggy, huh?"

"Nope, I walked out of there with all my money, cept a few dollars I gave away for tips and some new drawers. Kinder had a blowout in my other pair."

"Did you come home after that?"

"Heck no. The fun was just a starting. I wanted to see some stars."

"Did you look up in the stars?"

"Heck no. I went to Los Angeles."

"What happened?"

"Hee hee," Squiggy giggled. "You ain't gonna believe me."

"Try me! Please!"

"Okay, here it goes," he said, and told a story that Mule did have trouble believing.

Chapter 29

Chapter 27

2005-12-21T04:09:00.000-08:00

Squiggy sighed and pulled into a parking lot of a convenience store and turned around to face the road. He grabbed a beer and attacked it, gulping down most of it in one drink. His attention was focused in front of him as he leaned forward against the steering wheel.

"I bout flipped out after that deal with May," he said. "So I decided to head out for a spell."

"Where'd you go?" Mule asked.

"Hold yer horses, I's gettin to it."

"I ain't got no horse, Squiggy."

Squiggy turned to look at his friend with a frown on his face. "After I dumped you off that day, I had to cleanse my head."

"Did you drink a lotta beer?"

"Naw, that don't clean a person's head, ya goofus. I went home and packed up some clothes and threw em in the truck with Psycho. I just took off driving and didn't stop for a long time."

"Kinder like that Forrest Gump feller?"

"Naw, he was runnin. I was drivin."

"Good point."

"Thanks. Anyhow, I found out the farther I got from Langford, the better I felt. I didn't even wanna drink."

"Darn!"

"Naw, it's true," Squiggy said, and finished off his beer. "First night I made it all the way to Little Rock."

"Did you see it?"

"See what?"

"The little rock?"

"Naw, I asked these black fellers where the rock was, but they did some rap crap about "poppin a cap in my butt" back to me."

"So you didn't see the rock?"

"Naw, I missed the little rock. Musta been too small. Did see a lot of them black people though. One of em even served me breakfast at the Waffle House."

"Was she nice?"

"It was a he, sorta."

"Whatta ya mean?"

"I figger that black feller leaned more toward dudes than chicks."

Mule shook his head. "I'm glad I ain't no homo."

"So am I," Squiggy said. "You could really hurt a feller."

Mule nodded. "What happened after that?"

"We drove on east and hung around Memphis for a bit and then drove on in to Nashville."

"Ain't that where them redneck singers hang out?"

"Which ones?"

"The country and western ones."

"Beats the crap outta me," Squiggy replied. "I saw this one dude that looked like George Strait, but he was a little squirt. I've dropped nuggets bigger'n him."

"Were it George Strait?"

"Beats me. We was standing next to each other at the urnal, takin care of bidness. I said 'what's up, shorty?' He got rather hacked and left."

"Dang, Squiggy! You mighta took a leak next to some country singer!"

"Had a big bus out in the parking lot. Figgered he was staying in it."

"Gosh, that's too cool!" Mule said. "Did you see anybody else famous?"

"Just that Faith Hill chick."

"You saw Faith Hill?"

"Yep. Gettin gas at the store."

"Wow. What did you do?"

"Asked her if she wanted to go fer a ride."

"You didn't!"

"Yep, I did. She blamed being married and all. I think she was worried about fallin in love with me and havin to dump that Timmy McGraw dude."

"I'm sure that was it."

"Fer some reason, she did have a strange look on her face."

"It was probably the excitement."

"Naw," Squiggy said. "It was almost like she had an upset tummy or something stunk."

"I wished you'd have taken me, Squiggy."

"Sometimes a man's gotta be alone, Mule."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't get no privacy at home. Mommy's always following me into the bathroom."

"Uh, okay. After that I headed down to see the ocean."

Mule jerked upright. "You see the ocean?"

"Yep."

"Boy, I've always wanted to do that. What'd it look like?"

"Lotta water."

"Wow! Did you get in?"

Squiggy scowled at his friend. "Crap no! They got them sharks in the ocean. I ain't gonna let no fish take a bite out of the old Squigster. Plus the water was cold."

Mule was fascinated by the travels of his friend. This was better than most of the television shows he watched.

"I picked up some chick in Panama City," Squiggy said.

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"You know, poke her?"

"Naw, wouldn't let me."

"That sucks. What happened?"

"She needed a ride to that Disney deal. I tried to get frisky and she wouldn't let me so I dumped her on the side of the road."

"That wasn't real nice, Squiggy."

"Yeah, I almost felt bad about it later, specially cause of the storm and all."

"What'd you do then?"

"Drove all the way through Florida until I got to that Key West place, but I didn't find no key. Just a long road over water."

"Hold on, I gotta whiz." Mule stepped out of the truck and started urinating in the parking lot, facing the highway. Several cars stopped and almost caused a massive crash on the highway. A few others honked. Mule just waved at them and got back in the truck.

"You just about caused that semi to drive off the road," Squiggy said.

"Shoulda been lookin at the road and not my willy."

"Yep. Anyhow, I kinda liked that part of Florida. It was warm and most of the chicks didn't wear much clothes."

"Where'd you go after that?"

"I drove up the coast through Georgia, them Caroliner states and several other I can't member until I got to New York."

"You went to the big orange?"

"Naw, I went to New York City. Big place. Lots a rude people."

"You'd probably fit in well with em."

"Naw, they all talk funny. I went and seen the statute of the lady out in the bay and where them two towers were until the towelheads flew planes into them. That was sad. I almost cried until I saw some chick checking me out."

"Some woman wanted the Squigster?"

"Don't act so dern amazed, Mule. Lottsa women want me. Anyways, we started talking and were hitting things off pretty good. I thought it was too easy. She even asked me if I wanted to go get a room."

"What'd you say?"

"I says 'Heck yeah!' What do you think I'd say?"

"Was she pretty?"

"Naw, but she had big breasticles. We go in some rundown hotel and walk up the stairs to her room. I start gettin naked, but she's just a standing there. I ask her when she's gonna rip them clothes off and she told me that I had to pay her first."

"Why'd she want you to pay her?" Mule asked.

"Cause she was a dadgummed chargin' ho."

"What happened?"

"I told her that Squiggy didn't have to pay chicks to boink them. Chicks should pay me."

"What'd she say?"

"Uh, she kinder laughed."

"I don't see nuttin funny 'bout that."

"Neither did I. So I left the ho and saw some sights. I got a little bored and drove across the country."

"Where'd you go?"

"California."

"Really?"

"Yep. I saw the sights in Los Angeles."

"Hang on," Mule said. Something was bothering him. "How'd you pay fer all this?"

"I got some other dude's credit card put in my mailbox."

"And you used it?"

"Course. I was doing pretty good until I got to Vegas. I got turned down at the gas station. I only had twenty bucks on me so I went to one of them casinos and played the games."

"Did you do good?"

"Not at first. I got down to a dollar playin them slots and then hit. After that, I got up a couple hundred dollars and got bored of stickin coins in the machine. I saw they was havin a Texas Hold'em poker tournament and I decided to give it a shot."

"I didn't know you knew how to play poker," Mule said.

"Heck yeah, do it all the time at work on the computer. Anyhow, we got in this tournament and I started knocking people out left and right. Got down to the last table and I kept busting people bad. At the end, it was just me and some big feller. He had on some big bracelet and was kinder a dork. Every time we'd play, he'd put on these silly glasses made him look like he had lizzard eyes."

"Did you win?"

"Course. I could tell when the big feller was bluffing. His chin fat would jiggle a little on the right."

"Cool."

"Yep. I figgered we was just playin for braggin rights. But after I finished off the fat guy, I started walking away and some guy chased me down."

"What'd he want?"

"You'll never believe it."

Chapter 28

Chapter 26

2005-12-20T03:49:00.000-08:00

Squiggy had Mule cover up the beer bottles in the seat again as the police officer approached the truck. He waited until the police man knocked on the window with a flash light to lower the window.

"How're they hangin, occifer?" asked Squiggy.

The policeman was rather portly, even bigger than Chief Arnold. He was also wearing shades and a baseball hat that was too small, barely staying on his head. He had a good three chins going on and a lower lip that seemed to fold over and flap in the wind. His nose was bent in a strange direction.

"Pretty straight," he said, standing on his tiptoes to look into the truck. "Y'all ain't been drinking, huh?"

"Depends," Mule said and laughed. Squiggy almost groaned.

"What's it depend on big feller?"

"On what you's askin if we been drinkin."

The comment seemed to confuse the officer. "Your eyes are red," he said, pointing the flashlight at Squiggy.

"It's allergies."

"In the middle of the winter?"

"All year, dude."

"That would suck big ones."

Mule laughed and slapped Squiggy on the arm. "He said it would 'suck big uns'! You guys got that in common."

"Shut up, Mule."

"Okay!"

"You got yer license there, dude?" the cop asked.

"I ain't got one," Mule said.

"Not you, the driver."

Squiggy started digging in his pocket and shook his head. "Dang! I must've forgot it at home!"

The officer pursed his lips. "I does that at times."

"See, we had to leave like really quick to get to the hospital in Fort Smith," Squiggy said. "His daddy had a heart strike."

"What's a heart strike?"

"You know, when they almost croak cause the heart ain't workin right."

"You mean stroke?"

"Yeah. Ain't that right, Mule?"

"Daddy's dead," Mule said, starting to cry. "A bigfoot ate him."

"Huh?" the officer asked.

"He's a little confused with the tragedy," Squiggy said. "He had one of them strokes and then something started eating him. Nasty."

"Boy, that would suck! My daddy got bit by a swirl once."

"What's a swirl?" asked Mule.

"You know what a dadgummed swirl is. One of them little critters that live up in the trees that people hunt."

"You talkin bout them squirrels?"

"Yeah, that's what I said. Swirls got them sharp teeth. Went right into the bone of his pinky toe."

Somebody passed a deadly one. Squiggy crinkled up and shook his head. This was not the time for Mule to be passing one of his deadly poots.

"Crapfire, Mule!" Squiggy said. "You tryin to kill me?"

Mule had the front of his camo shirt pulled over his face. "That ain't me."

They turned to look at the officer. "Good un, eh?"

"Well, we'll be goin now," Squiggy volunteered.

"Aw, hold yer horses. I gotta write you a ticket."

"How come?"

"Cause it's my job."

"Naw, why you wantin to write me up?"

"Broken tail light."

Squiggy shook his head. "We was gonna fix that when we got home. Somebody done broke it at the hospital. Probably some old coot."

"Yeah, but I's gonna have to nail you. We gotta write at least two tickets an hour and I's behind.'

"C'mon, dude! Don't write me no ticket."

"Gotta do it. Sorry."

Squiggy shook his head and leaned over on the steering wheel. This wasn't good. Once the Department of Motor Vehicles found out he was driving with a suspended license, they were going to drop the hammer on him.

"Here," the cop said, handing over his ticket book.

"You need me to sign something?"

"Naw, I was gonna let you fill out the ticket."

"Ain't that yer job?" Mule asked.

"Yeah, but I got a little problem with my readin and writin. That's why I'm a Shady Point cop."

Squiggy took the book and filled out the ticket and handed it back to the officer. "You have a good night."

"You too," said the policeman. "Say, what yer name? I can't read, you know."

"It's Bush," said Squiggy.

"That yer first or last name?"

"My last name's Bush."

"What bout the first un?"

"George," said Squiggy.

The officer nodded. Something seemed like it was wanting to come forward, but it couldn't.

"You have a good night, George," the officer said. "What's yer name, big feller?"

"He's Dick," Squiggy said. "That's his first name. The last one's Head."

"Dick Head, huh?" the cop asked. "I think I heard of you before."

"See you," Squiggy said. The cop waved and he drove off slowly. Squiggy thought this was rather funny. Apparently, Mule didn't. He had his arms crossed and was glaring at Squiggy. "What's wrong?"

"You called me a dickhead!"

"Naw, I didn't. I told him that was your name. Big difference."

"How ya figger?"

"Listen, Mule, we did that so he wouldn't know our real names, okay? Now we's off free and won't have to worry none bout getting tickets or nothing."

"Won't he be able to figger out who you are by yer license plate?"

"Naw, I stole that one up in the city last week."

Mule got into the beer again. "I'd rather you didn't call me by that name. That's what Mommy calls me when she's hacked."

"Yer mom calls you a 'dickhead'?"

"Yeah, and I don't like it none."

"Can't blame you. My mother used to call me a dog turd."

"Better'n dickhead."

"I guess." The two men drove in silence for a few minutes, remembering times they would like to forget. Squiggy took the bypass around Poteau and kept the speed reasonable. He had been stopped twice tonight and been in a fight at a club, enough excitement for him.

Mule looked out the window and watched the trees go by. "I was meanin to ast where you been?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me!"

"Okay," Squiggy said and relayed his story. He was right. Mule wouldn't believe him.

Chapter 27

Chapter 25

2005-12-19T03:56:00.000-08:00

Squiggy knew this wasn't good. His friend was now on the stage, getting hit repeatedly by the bouncer and kicked by the dancer he had tweaked.

He figured Mule needed some help, but Squiggy knew there were two other bouncers heading toward the stage, both big and mean looking. Squiggy caught the movement out of the corner of his eye and waited for the right moment to do what any man would do.

He stuck his foot out in the area between the tables and tripped the bouncer, sending him face first into the side of the stage. The third bouncer had been behind the DJ booth. This was the one who worried Squiggy. The man was immense, standing at least six-foot-five and weighing some three hundred pounds.

The bouncer had the pronounced forehead and muscles of somebody who had taken more than his share of steroids and could lift a Mack truck. The bouncer moved fairly well for somebody his size and was moving toward the stage at a fast pace.

Squiggy leaned over and grabbed a beer bottle from the table next to him. It was some fancy beer, not the kind he liked. One of the men dressed in the suit wasn't all that crazy about losing his designer beer.

"Hey, Mister!" the man squealed. "That's mine."

"Shut up or I'll hit you with it," Squiggy retorted. That shut the little twirp up for the rest of the evening.

Squiggy tried to gauge the speed of the bouncer and direction. He grabbed the bottle by the top and tossed it across the bar, the bottle spinning through the air and leaking the contents during the flight.

It was a perfect throw, hitting the third bouncer right between the eyes.

"Yeah, who throws like a chick now!" Squiggy hollered. His glee was damped after realizing the bottle did not even slow the man. "Uh oh."

The bouncer was looking to see who threw the bottle. Squiggy took quick action and pointed at the dorks seated next to him. The one man was trying to console the other and never knew the threat headed in their direction.

The bouncer jogged around the stage and arrived at the table. He grabbed both men behind the head and slammed them together, making a sickening thud. The two men sunk to the floor and were sprawled out. After finishing them off, he started toward the stage.

Squiggy knew he needed to take quick action. Mule was holding his own against the first bouncer and the dancer, but wouldn't be able to withstand another attack.

"Hey!" Squiggy shouted, causing the bouncer to turn around.

"Whath do you wanth?" the bouncer asked.

Squiggy giggled. "Nice lisp." He stood and walked toward the bouncer. Behind his back, Squiggy stuck out his index and birdie fingers, poised to go with his patented move. The bouncer never saw it coming.

Squiggy delivered his eye gouge, hitting the target perfectly. "Ouchth!"

After the success of his eye gouge, Squiggy followed up with a kick to the man's nuggets. It was a perfect shot also, sending the man to the ground.

He was rubbing his eyes with one hand and the family jewels with the other. "You kicked me in the nuths!"

"That's right," Squiggy said. He grabbed the man's head and slammed it back against the stage. It sounded like somebody using a nail gun.

The bouncer who had been tripped was regaining his senses. Squiggy walked over and kicked him in the face, feeling the man's teeth give way. Squiggy had wondered about wearing his steel-toe work boots earlier and was now glad he had.

On the stage, the man kept trying to get hold of Mule, who kept slipping away. He was now doing some silly Ali rope-a-dope deal, preventing the bouncer from inflicting any damage. He was also striking back with a surprisingly effective jab that was making the bouncer's head bounce around like a bobblehead.

A man was standing next to Squiggy, holding a pool stick. He had been playing a game of eight ball before the fun started and wanted to see this.

"Let me have that," Squiggy said and grabbed the pool stick. It was a nice one, not the cheap ones usually found in bars.

"Hey, that's mine!" the man protested. He was a young guy with bad acne and a mustache that had never filled in.

Squiggy ignored the man and climbed up on the stage. He circled behind the bouncer and swung the stick like it was a baseball bat, delivering a blow right below the man's legs, causing him to sink to his knees.

Mule jumped on the bouncer's back and put him in a headlock. "Give him a noogie, Squiggy!"

Squiggy knew they needed to leave, but couldn't resist. He put his hand into a fist and started rubbing the bouncer's head with his knuckles. They laughed for a few seconds then let go of the bouncer. He was turning around to look at them with a look of rage. Squiggy solved that, using the padded end of the poolstick as a battering ram and delivering a blow right to the nose.

"We best go," Squiggy said.

"Where's that chick that hit me?" Mule asked. He was standing on the stage, twisting his head around wanting some revenge. He saw the woman at the back of the stage, hiding behind a curtain.

Mule started walking in that direction but Squiggy grabbed him. "We gotta go!"

"Let me punch her once," Mule said.

"Naw, let's go."

Mule agreed, even though that wasn't his choice. They climbed down from the stage and headed toward the door. Squiggy tossed the poolstick to the pimply-faced man.

The man at the front was blocking the exit. He was a big man, but mainly fat. "I called the cops!"

"Good," Squiggy said, right before Mule headbutted the man.

The man dropped like he had been shot. Squiggy and Mule stepped over him and jogged out to the truck. In the distance, they could see the lights coming in their direction. They climbed in and sped off through the parking lot.

"Turn yer lights on," Mule said.

"Can't. Then they'd see us."

"That's real smart."

Squiggy roared out on the highway, never hitting the brakes, also to prevent the lights from showing. Actually, only one brake light was working but he still didn't want to risk it. They sped off down the highway, watching the two police cars arrive at the Club. Squiggy waited a little longer then turned the lights on.

"You figger they'll come for us?" Mule asked. He was turned around in the seat, looking back.

"Yep," Squiggy answered. "But they can't catch what they can't find."

He slowed down to the speed limit and drove over the bridge. They were in Arkansas and feeling much better. They got through Fort Smith without any problem. As they got into Pocola, Squiggy continued going straight, not making the turn.

"You missed it," Mule said.

"Naw, we's going the long way," Squiggy said. He had a bad feeling that the cop might realize that he wasn't actually a preacher and be kind of steamed about that.

Squiggy drove fairly normal while driving through Spiro. He continued down the highway until arriving at the Highway 59 turn. Squiggy turned and sped away, finally feeling better about getting away. They sped by the turnoff to Bokoshe and passed through Panama.

As they entered Shady Point, Squiggy was feeling good. "Gimme one of them beers."

"You sure?" asked Mule.

"Uh, yeah." He had noticed Mule had put away a good six pack since leaving the club.

Squiggy had just popped the top when the flashing lights came on behind him.

"Uh oh," he said.

Chapter 26

Chapter 24

2005-12-16T04:01:00.000-08:00

For a man like our pal Mule, this was nirvana. He was in an establishment where we women actually removed their clothing without any effort at all on his part.

Squiggy noticed his friend was jumping around like some child who had ate way too much sugar. "Calm down a tad bit there Mule."

Mule nodded, but his head was turning around almost like Regan, the young girl in The Exorcist, not wanting to miss any chance of seeing a woman without her shirt on.

There was a main stage where a woman was dancing to some bad rock music, tempting the guests with a looksie every now and then. On a couple of tables, women were actually dancing with men staring at them like there was a filet mignon dangling in front of them after they had fasted for a month.

Squiggy didn't know Mule could move so fast. He darted from this table, to the next, and then up to the main stage and back.

"Thank you, Squiggy," he said and tried to hug his friend.

"Cut that crap out. Let's go sit down."

"Can we sit close to the stage?"

Squiggy noticed his friend appeared to be slobbering. "That'd be fine. Git yer dang tongue back in yer mouth."

"Sorry." Mule took off at a rather brisk pace to a table close to the main stage. He stood for several seconds, staring at the dancer. "I seen a nipple!"

"Good for you," Squiggy said as he sat down. "Take a seat, Mule, you's embarrassing me."

Mule slowly tried to sit down, only discovering about halfway down that there wasn't a chair under him. He plopped down on the ground and didn't say a word.

"Git in the dang chair!" Squiggy said. This might not have been such a good idea, he started to realize.

Mule slowly got up and slid over into a chair, never letting his eyes wander from the stage. Within seconds, an oriental woman came over and sat down at the table. He looked over at her and looked disappointed.

"You ain't naked!" Mule said. The woman had long black hair and some kind of shawl covering her top. She also had a black skirt that was shorter than you typically see at the mall.

"Not yet!" she said. "How bout a table dance?"

"Yeah!"

The woman sat still for a few seconds, staring at Mule. She was smiling, revealing a rather large gap between her front teeth. She wasn't the most attractive dancer in the club, not that it bothered Mule.

"Well?" he asked.

"You must pay first," she said.

"What for?"

"I don't do table dance for free."

"How much?" Squiggy chimed in

"Twenty bucks," she said.

Mule about choked. "We gotta pay you twenty dollars to have you dance on our table?"

"That is correct, sir."

Mule looked at his friend with hope, much like a little child appears to their parent after asking for candy.

"I ain't payin you no twenty dollars," Squiggy said.

"How come?" the woman and Mule asked in unison.

"It ain't like you's the top attraction here."

The woman's smile drifted away, but quickly returned. "How about you buy me a drink?"

"I was kinder hopin you'd buy us one," Squiggy replied.

The woman shook her head, stood up and stormed off.

"Dadgum," Mule said. "She didn't even let us see nothin."

Squiggy exited off in the direction of the bar, leaving Mule unattended. This, of course, was not a good idea. With his friend gone, Mule got up and walked up to the stage and leaned between two old men who smelled like they had not bathed since Thanksgiving.

The woman had removed her top, but had something over the main deals, preventing Mule from seeing the goodies. He watched her dance and the boobs bounce around like a bowl of jello.

"Yer purdy," he shouted loud enough that Squiggy could hear him at the bar.

"Why thank you," the dancer said. She moved over closer to him and held her g-string out.

Mule reached out and snapped it.

"Ouch!" she said, looking around for help. "Why'd you do that?"

"Ain't that what you wanted me to do?"

"Naw, I figured you'd put a dollar in." She turned and showed him where several dollars had been placed on the other hip under the thin fabric.

Mule was transfixed by the movement of the woman's breasts. "What's that crap over yer nipplets?"

"It's called a pastie." The dancer moved a little closer to the middle of the stage.

"I can't see em!"

"That's the idea."

"That sucks."

Mule felt a hand on his back and turned around to see a huge man lurking over him. He didn't know people grew this big.

"Howdy," Mule said.

"You need to back off," the man said. His head was shaven and had narrow slits for eyes. His head even looked muscled up.

"What for?"

"Cause I said. You's makin the woman nervous."

"She ain't showing her nips!"

"Get back to your seat."

Mule shrugged his shoulder and returned to his seat. Squiggy arrived back, carrying two shot glasses.

"Here," he said, handing one to Mule.

Mule gulped it down in one drink, then shook his head. "What was that?"

"A shot."

"I didn't hear no gunshot."

Squiggy shook his head. "It was a shot of whiskey."

"Oh. That big feller don't like the Mule much."

"So?"

Mule shrugged. Another woman appeared at the table. She was adorned with a rather nice body, covered with a long tee-shirt. Her appearance left something to be desired. She had big buck teeth, a long nose and fish eyes. The woman's hair was poofed up in some kind of bun thing.

"Ugh," Mule said.

"Howdy," the woman said, acting like she had not heard Mule. "I'm Magestic!"

"Huh?" Squiggy asked.

"I said I'm Magestic."

"What's that?" Mule asked. He had noticed the woman wasn't much to look at, but was blessed with a rack like he had seldom seen before.

"My name."

"Naw, it ain't," Squiggy argued. "You can't tell me that's yer real name."

"I could."

"But you'd be a lyin."

"So?"

Squiggy shrugged, also staring at the woman's upper torso.

"Boy, you got some big uns!" Mule commented.

"Uh, thank you."

"Can I see em?"

"Want a table dance?"

"Naw, I just wanna take a peak at them jugs."

"How bout a drink?"

"I just finished one."

The woman rolled her fish eyes. "No, I meant for me."

"The bars right over there," Mule said, jerking his thumb in that direction.

The woman turned her attention to Squiggy. "Your friend ain't all that bright, is he?"

"Naw, but he don't gotta show body parts to get paid."

The woman stood up, appalled. "Just what do you mean by that?"

"Nothing. Just don't like some chick talkin trash bout my buddy."

She shook her head and walked away. On the next table, some tall woman was climbing on a table between two men wearing cheap suits and a lot of drool. Mule moved his chair over so he was practically sitting at the table with the two men.

"Excuse me," one man said, glaring at Mule. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"Shut up," Mule said.

The other man was insulted. "You can't tell him that!"

"Just did," Mule replied. "You can shut yer zipper too! I'm tryin to enjoy this."

"But this is our table dance!" the first man said.

"You got plenty of room."

"This is not right!" the other man said. "I am going to complain to management!"

"Knock yerself out, pretty boy."

The woman was perched on the table with her arms crossed. The song was almost over and that meant she would have to go another song.

Squiggy appeared and got Mule back to their table.

"You's can watch from here," he said.

"I can't see as good. My eyes are blurrin up something bad since I shot that whiskey."

The DJ came over the loudspeaker. "Now, for your entertainment pleasures, we give you...Star!"

Mule looked at the stage and saw a vision of beauty. Long blonde hair and a face that belonged on the cover of a magazine. She was wearing a tight tee-shirt, cut off at the sleeves and just below her main assets, revealing a tanned and rippling belly with some kind of jewelry coming out of her bellybutton.

She also had on a pair of cut-off jean shorts, frayed at the bottom. They were rather short. When she turned around, Mule stood up.

"Squiggy, I seen the bottom of her rear!"

"Sit down," Squiggy answered, not that it did any good.

Mule moved up to the stage and gawked at the woman named Star. She waited until the song was half over to remove her top. Mule realized quickly that Star didn't bother with any pasties. She moved over in front of him and got down on her knees while arching her back. She was slowly moving to the music.

Squiggy had a bad feeling about this. It grew worse as he watched Mule reach out and tweak the woman's nipple on her right breast.

Mule turned around to Squiggy, smiling proudly. This was right before the woman kicked him in the side of the head with a cowboy boot and the bouncer came storming out of the crowd and delivered a perfect form tackle that knocked Mule up on the stage.

"Uh oh," Squiggy said and wished he could escape under the table. But he couldn't, of course, not with the human hulk attacking his friend.

That was when things got even worse.

Chapter 25

Chapter 23

2005-12-15T03:59:00.000-08:00

Mule could hardly contain his excitement. His pal Squiggy was back and they were going out for a night on the town. He didn't have a clue where Roland was or where they were going.

If he had known how the night would end up, Mule probably would have tried to talk his friend into doing something else.

The two intrepid travelers took off on their journey, quickly leaving Langford behind. They were making good time aside from the frequent stops on the side of the road to empty bladders rapidly filling up with good old 3.2 Oklahoma beer.

As they approached Pocola, a small town this side of Fort Smith, Mule's stomach groaned loud enough for Squiggy to hear.

"You ain't gonna crap your britches again, are you?" he asked. They were listening to a Hank Williams Jr. CD that Squiggy had found at the pawn shop for a dollar. There were several scratches and songs tended to get hung up, especially Family Tradition, one of Squiggy's favorites.

"Naw, I'm just hungry," Mule answered. "Ain't had much to eat."

"We'll eat when we gets there."

"Where we goin?"

"It's a surprise. If I told you, then it wouldn't be a surprise."

"You's right, Squiggy. It wouldn't." Mule watched the town of Pocola fly by. It was a bad speed trap but Squiggy didn't seem all that concerned. "You best slow down."

"No need. Cops ain't gonna stop nobody on Christmas Eve!" As if on cue, blinking lights came on behind them.

"Uh oh!" Mule said. "It's the cops!"

Squiggy nodded. He was biting his lip, trying to figure out a way to get out of this. His license was suspended and one more hit on his record would send him to jail for an extended vacation.

"Hide the beer," he said.

Mule looked around the cab of the truck. It looked like a dadgum refinery. Empty beer bottles were everywhere and there was a case sitting between them. "Where?"

Squiggy took his hunting jacket off and threw it over the beer in the seat. Mule started kicking the empty bottles under the seat and stuffing them in his pockets.

There were two officers of the law. One was coming around the driver's side while the other was stalking the passenger side. They both knocked on the windows with their flashlight.

The one on the passenger side waited until the window was down and flashed his light in Mule's face. He was a portly man with a bad case of acne scars. The cop was wearing shades even though it was dark.

"You drunk?" he asked.

"Naw, I'm Mule."

The cop grunted. This was not off to a good start. "Been drinking?"

Mule belched, sending noxious fumes toward the officer. "Sorry, occifer. I can't drink beer. It gives me the hives on my butt cheeks."

The other officer had examined the truck and didn't like what he saw. This cop was younger, not hardly old enough to shave. He also wore shades that were too big, making it look like they were goggles.

"Sir, why you got all them beer bottles and cans in the back?" he asked. His voice was almost squeaking.

Squiggy laughed. "I pick em up on the side of the road. I sell them."

The officer nodded. He almost seemed to believe it!

"I hate litterbuggers," he added.

"So do I," the cop squeaked back. "Any of them yours?"

Squiggy acted offended. "I don't think so, sir. I'm a preacher!"

Mule jerked his head toward his friend. "You is?"

Squiggy nodded. Mule wasn't exactly helping matters.

"I see," the officer said. "What's the name of your church?"

"Uh, it's the Church of God's Redeemed Son Jesus down near Stapp."

The cop took his hand off his pistol. "I've heard of that church. I've been looking for a good church. Might need to check it out."

"Look forward to seeing you," Squiggy said.

"What's your rush?" the officer asked.

"We's goin to Roland," Mule said. Squiggy wanted to hit him.

"Actually, we're goin to the Sparks Hospital to see one of my church goers. Then we's goin on to Roland to talk to a guy who has stopped goin to church."

Mule started to say something, but Squiggy held his hand up.

"Pastor, slow it down a little," the officer said. "Sorry to stop you."

"No problem, sir," Squiggy said.

The two cops started walking back toward the cruiser. Squiggy breathed a sigh of relief.

"That was close," Squiggy said. He stuck his head out the window. "Don't forget the reason for the season officers."

They nodded and Squiggy slowly pulled away.

The drive through Pocola was well below the established speed limit. They headed right at the intersection and entered Arkansas. Squiggy stopped at the first convenience store they came across.

"You gotta pee?" Mule asked.

"Naw, I'm gettin us some more beer."

Mule was perplexed by this. It wasn't like they had a beer shortage in the truck. "I figgered we had plenty of beer."

Squiggy shook his head. Sometimes Mule had rocks for brains. "I'm gittin us some of that Arkansas beer."

"Is it better?"

"About twice as strong."

"Wow!"

Squiggy went in the store while Mule waited outside. It took several minutes for his friend to return, carrying a huge sack. He dumped it on the seat.

"Man, you's my buddy!" Mule added. He grabbed the first one and downed most of it in one swig.

Squiggy took off driving again. He took the backroad through Fort Smith, still going slow. The officers in Fort Smith were probably a little brighter than the ones they encountered earlier. He arrived in downtown Fort Smith, deserted for the most part, and turned left back toward Oklahoma. They drove over the big bridge that took them over the Arkansas River and were back in the Sooner State.

"Boy, this is good beer!" Mule said. He should know. Mule had downed four in the last ten minutes. "I's gittin drunk Squiggy!"

Squiggy was to the point where he could barely make out the lines running down the middle of the road. They were passing by pastures on both sides, absent of any houses or businesses. He drove by the bingo parlor and turned left.

"Here we are," Squiggy announced.

Mule squinted his eyes. They were in a parking lot filled with cars and trucks. "What's that there sign say?"

"Something Gentleman's Club," he said. There was another word in front, but Squiggy didn't know what it said.

"We gentlemen?"

"Not tonight, Mule."

"Okay!" They downed the rest of their beer and walked toward the door. The man at the door informed them there was a cover charge. Mule looked crushed. "I ain't got no money!"

Squiggy muscled past. "This one's on me."

As he was paying, Mule walked away, but came back at a fast pace, his eyes bugging out.

"Squiggy, they's naked boobs in here!" Squiggy had never seen his friend so excited.

"Yep, they's are."

Squiggy didn't realize until too late that bringing Mule to a place like this wasn't a very good idea.

Chapter 24

Chapter 22

2005-12-14T03:58:00.000-08:00

Mule was sprawled out on the mattress on the bottom of Squiggy's cellar, drinking a beer. She was still next to him, breathing hard.

"Whoo!" she said.

Mule smiled. It had been a good one. She was like the girl of his dreams, a knockout who actually seemed to like him. When he dropped his pants, she was a little concerned but decided to take the Mule challenge.

"You tore the mattress," Mule said. There were several claw marks on the cheap mattress, revealing the stuffing inside.

"I got a little excited. We'll turn the mattress over and maybe your friend won't know."

They crawled off the mattress and Mule flipped it over. Not a good idea. There was mold and dirt caked on the other side.

"Ugh," she said. "We best turn it over."

Mule did so and hoped Squiggy wouldn't mind. He probably wouldn't believe the story, but Mule would share every little detail, of course. He tried not to stare at her melons, but found it hard to look away. They were perfect, the kind he had only seen in magazines prior to today.

"Why are you looking at my boobs?" she asked. Her hair was hanging down over the front of her face. Their clothes were scattered all over the inside of the cellar.

"They's nice!" he said.

"Thanks. I like em."

"I can see why. And they's real?"

"Oh yeah. I ain't ever seen the need for one of them boob jobs."

"You don't need one."

She giggled. "What's your name?"

"Mule."

"I can see why."

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Sally Sue."

"Naw, your real name."

"That is my real name. My last name's Betty."

"You got three first names."

She nodded. "We best get going. My husband will be home soon."

Mule about spewed his beer again. "You's married?"

"Sure. Ain't you?"

"Naw." Mule grew a little worried. Most husbands don't particularly care for their wife sleeping with other guys and he tried not to bed the married ones.

"He won't know," she said. "I bet he'll be drunk when he gets home."

"You ain't wearin no ring."

"Naw, he had to pawn it to get the electricity turned on and didn't bother to claim it."

She scooted off the bed and started getting dressed. Mule's thoughts of a torrid affair had died down. He was hoping they might actually be boyfriend and girlfriend, but her marital status probably put a damper on all that.

Mule got dressed and pulled the sheet over the mattress to try and cover up the claw marks. They drove back to town and she let him out at his house. He wanted to go to The Last Call, but was hurting a little. She had clawed his back along with the bed.

For the next two weeks, Mule pretty much hung out at the house, hoping Sally Sue would come visit. She must be busy being married, Mule decided. He was really getting worried about Squiggy, still no word from his friend.

It was Christmas Eve. Mule and his mother were sitting out on the front porch, sharing the special time with each other while drinking eggnog spiked with Everclear. He let one of the kittens drink some a little earlier and it was passed out on the steps, looking like a slinky.

"Merry Christmas Eve, Mommy," Mule said.

She grunted. "Gimme some more of that there eggnoggin."

She always called it that. Mule tried to correct her, but it did little good. He filled her styrofoam cup again and watched her down it in one drink.

Mule looked at the other end of the porch. He had cut down a small cedar tree from the neighbor's yard and put it on the porch, tied up with rope to keep it standing. There was a strand of blinking lights from a house on the east side that Mule borrowed when they weren't home.

"Ain't the tree pretty?" Mule asked.

"Little small. I think you killed the kitten."

"Naw, he's just sleepin."

"I don't think you's supposed to let cats drink everclear."

The other kittens were checking on their fallen friend. That couldn't be too comfortable, slouched down over two steps like that.

He heard the roar of an engine from down the block. Mule jerked up on the couch. That sounded familiar. Could it be? The truck was flying down the road toward their house. It skidded to a stop out front and Mule jumped up.

It was! Squiggy was back! Mule went down the steps in a flash, accidentally stepping on the kitten, who never stirred.

"Squiggy!" he hollered. His friend emerged from the truck, carrying a sack. Mule ran up to him and hugged his friend.

"Calm down, Mule," Squiggy said. "I ain't much on huggin guys."

Mule stepped back and looked his friend over. "Boy, I missed you!"

"Thanks," Squiggy said. "Is that cat dead?"

Mule turned around to look at the kitten. "I'm afraid I killed it."

"You want me to toss it in the dumpster?"

Psycho barked from inside the truck. She was licking the inside of the window, making it hard to see her.

"Naw, it might wake up. I banged a hot chick!"

Squiggy nodded. He doubted the woman was all that much.

"On the mattress in your cellar!" Mule added.

That explained the ruined mattress, Squiggy decided. It looked like some animal had attacked it.

"Who was she?" Squiggy asked.

"Sally Sue something," Mule replied. "I can't member her last name."

"You didn't nail Sally Sue! She's like real hot."

"Yep, I did. Twice."

"You's kidding."

"Naw, we had innercourse."

"Man, they oughta bronze you's unit and put it on a plaque."

"How come?" Mule asked.

"Never mind."

"Where you been?"

"I took a vacation."

"Your boss gives you vacations?"

"Not really. I called in sick. Had to bail on Langford for a little while. Only came back to file for the school board."

"You's running for the school board?"

"Thought I would. I'd vote if I knew how."

"I run evertime they's an election. Last year, I got five votes for the city council."

"Did you win?"

Squiggy looked at his friend for a few seconds. "Naw, I only got five votes. The chick got over three hundred."

"But five votes ain't bad."

"They was all by me."

Mule nodded. He didn't really know much about the election process, or care. "I'd vote for you cept I can't."

"Yeah, you can."

"I didn't think they'd let dummies vote."

"They even let dummies run. How'd you figger some of our presidents got elected?'

Mule shrugged. "Hang on, I got something for you!" He took off into the house. Squiggy stayed in the same location, not wanting to get any closer to Mule's mother.

"You got any beer?" she hollered.

"A few."

"We's bout outta the eggnog. Lemme have one."

Squiggy frowned. He was actually blessed with almost a case, but didn't want to share any with this foul woman. "Get yer own."

"Can't. They figgered out I was usin my food stamps for beer and cut me off."

Mule emerged from the house and avoided the kitten this time. He was carrying a large wooden object. Mule handed it to his friend. Squiggy looked at it. There was some kind of writing on it that he couldn't make out. "I can't read it."

He moved closer to the porch and used the light from the midget Christmas tree to read the sign. It was engraved with the following words: MULE & SQUIGEE, FREINZ 4EVER!

Squiggy was moved, even with the misspelling of his name. "That's nice," he said. Mule was looking back at him, smiling broadly. He dug in the sack and came out with a beer. "Here, I got you a beer. Merry Christmas."

Mule looked down at the beer, turning it around to look at it. "Look Mommy!" he hollered, holding the beer up. "Squiggy got me a beer for Christmas!"

"Cheap turd," his mother offered. "He won't even give me a beer!"

Mule turned to look at his friend. "I'll keep this forever! You mind if Mommy has a beer?"

Squiggy dug in the sack and got one out. "Here."

He took the beer and tossed it to his mother. Apparently, she was either too drunk or the lights distracted her. The can thunked her right between the eyes.

"Ow!" she hollered, loud enough to wake up the neighbors, but not the kitten.

"Sorry, Mommy!"

"Ya idjit!"

"Let's go," Squiggy said.

"Where we goin?" Mule asked.

"It's one of them surprise things."

"Good. I like surprises. Do I need to change?"

Squiggy looked at his friend's attire. He was wearing a pair of sweats that were way too small and dirty. His tee-shirt looked like it had been attacked by moths. Mule was wearing house slippers that were way too small and his hair looked like it had not been washed in months.

"You might wanna get rid of them slippers and put on shoes," Squiggy said. "And change into some jeans and a nice shirt. Combin that hair wouldn't hurt neither."

Mule looked puzzled. "I ain't got nothing nice cept my camo shirts. Would that work?"

"Sure."

Mule disappeared into the house. Squiggy wasn't sure but thought he saw a knot coming up on the woman's head, right between her eyes. She almost looked like a fat cyclops.

They stared at each other for several minutes before Mule came back out on the porch, dressed in camo shirt, pants and hunting boots. He had wet his hair down, not that it improved his appearance all that much.

"Let's go!" Mule said. He was almost giddy. Mule was going to get to spend time with Squiggy again. All was right with the world. The two men walked out to the truck and got in.

"Hee hee," Squiggy said. He was looking back at the porch. Mule's mother had opened the can and beer was spewing everywhere. She was trying to point the beer into her mouth but was spraying it everywhere.

"Mommy's a spillin her beer," Mule said.

"All over herself." Psycho was smelling of Mule and apparently the residue of dead animals on the camo clothes were to her liking.

"Gimme a hint about where we's goin."

"Okay," Squiggy said. He fired up a truck and started driving away. "It's in Roland."

"We's goin to the bingo parlor?"

"Not hardly."

Chapter 23

Chapter 21

2005-12-13T02:51:00.000-08:00

It was a long few weeks for Mule, stuck at home with his mother for the most part. They ran out of beer and couldn't steal any from passed out Mexicans since the weather had turned cold.

His mother complained constantly about the lack of alchohol. When this wasn't on her mind, she went on and on about not having anything to eat, since she had blown all her money on lottery tickets, plus the people next door had moved out and she could not watch their television from her porch any more.

The lack of beer bothered a man who liked to crack a top the first thing in the morning, but worrying about Squiggy was a bigger concern.

He had gone out to check on his friend twice. The first time, Mule was still on crutches. He tried to hitchhike and got rides from two ugly women, who both kicked him out of the car when Mule wouldn't show him how he got his nickname. Chief Arnold saw him near the city limits, crutching away and took mercy on Mule, driving him the rest of the way to Squiggy's house.

Squiggy wasn't there and it didn't look like he had been there. The second visit was a week before Christmas. He got up early one morning and decided it was time for the cast to go. His doctor had not released him, since Mule had not gone to see him. But Mule was tired of the cast and cut it off with a hunting knife.

He only cut himself twice. The first one on his thigh hurt like a booger, but didn't bleed. His second mistake was right above his ankle. This one also hurt and was deep enough to almost see the bone.

Mule was a man on a mission, though, and wouldn't let a little blood stop him. He took off walking and realized that was a mistake. Mule made it downtown before stopping at the pharmacy for some bandages and antiseptic for his bleeding wounds.

They took mercy on Mule and comped him a couple of large bandages and suggested the cut above the ankle probably needed stitches. He didn't have time for stitches! Mule needed to check on his friend. A good piece of duct tape had to do for now.

He went next door to Verna's cafe, hoping for a ride. Nobody was leaving, preferring to sit around the tables, drink coffee, smoke their smelly cigarettes and try to talk louder than everybody else.

Mule was leaving when he saw a familiar face drive by. It was May, the woman who had shared their company on Thanksgiving. He waved her down and she parked in front of the pharmacy. May rolled the window down while checking the mirrors, wanting to make sure her parents didn't drive by and see her talking to Squiggy's friend who had thunked her father over the head with his crutch.

"You seen Squiggy?" he asked.

She shook her head. May had not seen or heard from him, not that it was a surprise after what happened in the parking lot of the church.

"I's worried about him," Mule said. "Can you gimme a ride out to his place?"

"Why are you worried about him?" she asked. There was some concern in the tone of her voice.

"I ain't seen him since that day."

"Neither have I."

"That sucks," Mule added.

She nodded. May was also a little concerned about him. It had been rough around her house for several days after the incident. Neither of her parents liked Squiggy before that day, and their opinion had only worsened. Her father was even worse than her mother after word got out what happened to him. He even had to shave off his beard and mustache since there were several gaps thanks to Squiggy plucking out the facial hair.

"Can I have a ride?" he asked.

"I can't do that," May said. "My parents would kill me."

He didn't exactly have a high opinion of her parents. Mule nodded and started limping away. The pain was getting bad, both from the hurt leg and the cuts. He wondered if the pharmacy would let him have some pain pills, but decided they probably wouldn't without a letter from the doctor.

Mule had to stop and rest twice before getting to the highway. He was about ready to give up when a truck pulled up next to him. It was an older man in a white truck with beady eyes visible underneath his hat, advertising some race car driver Mule had never heard of him.

"You the feller that hit Jimmy Alice over the head with the crutch?" the man asked. Mule nodded, wondering if this was a friend or foe of the little man. "Good. Need a lift?"

"Naw, I was needing a ride."

The man looked confused for a few seconds. Several cars were backed up behind the truck. "Get in," the man said.

Mule didn't need to be told twice. He hopped in the truck, a newer one without any trash in the floorboard. There was a sack in the seat and Mule could smell what it was.

"Want a beer?" the man asked.

"I'd eat a fresh turd for one," Mule said.

"That ain't necessary. Just get you a beer."

It was Coors, Mule found out with glee, his favorite brand. He pulled a beer out of the sack and drink half in the first drink.

"You must be thirsty?" the man asked.

"Yep," Mule answered. "I ain't had a beer in two weeks, or so."

The man was stopped at the four way light. Traffic was fairly steady. Several big trucks were flying by, going way too fast.

"Where we going?" the man asked.

"Squiggy's house," Mule said as he finished up the beer.

"How far is it?"

"About three away."

"Huh?"

"It takes about three to get there."

"Three what?"

"Beers," Mule said. He looked in the sack and saw there was at least eight beers left.

"Strange way to tell distances," the man said. "Help yourself."

Mule grabbed his second beer and popped the top. He gave the man directions and looked out the window, savoring the beer. It was taking a little of the pain away.

"Thanks for the ride and the beer," Mule said. They had arrived at the flashing yellow lights and turned back toward the lake.

"What's your name?" the man asked.

"Mule."

"Is that a fact?"

Mule nodded. He finished off the second beer and placed it between his legs along with the other empty one.

"I hear you got a root," the man said.

"A what?"

"A root, a big one."

Mule nodded. He slowly reached into the sack for another beer, watching for any reaction. The man didn't seem to care!

"Must be nice," the man said. "I got a little willy."

Mule frowned at the man. He really didn't need to know that.

"Can't even see the little guy cause of my gut and all."

Mule did not like where this conversation was going. He looked out the window. "Look, there's a hawk!"

The man didn't seem all that concerned about the hawk. "I bet the women like you."

"Some of em do," Mule said. "Most of em would prefer I had a job."

The man nodded. He helped himself to a beer as they drove past the church where Mule and Squiggy got into it with Jimmy Alice.

"You get much action?" the man asked.

"Some," Mule said. "I ain't been hunting lately."

"Naw, I meant with the chicks."

"Yeah, but most of em are skanky."

"Man! I ain't been with a chick in almost a year. Let me see it."

"Huh?"

"Let me see your tool."

Mule scooted closer to the door. "No."

"C'mon!"

"No, I ain't no homo."

"I ain't neither, just wanted to see what a big root looked like in person."

"I ain't gonna do it. You're strange."

The man skidded to a stop. "Then get out!"

Mule got out of the truck and watched it drive away. He still had half a beer and slipped another out of the sack while climbing out. The skies were turning grey and the wind was picking up from the north. He was stuck on the side of the highway, still a good two miles away from Squiggy's house.

Several cars and trucks sped by, showing no interest in the man standing on the edge of the road sticking both thumbs in the air. He grew frustrated after a few minutes and started flipping people the bird after they drove by.

Mule's leg was hurting and he sat down. This wasn't a good idea, he decided. Mule was out of beer and getting cold. He barely managed to stand and started walking toward Squiggy's house, every step causing a jolt of pain up his leg.

He never heard the truck pull up next to him. Mule was limping along when a horn honked. He looked to his left and saw the truck next to him. Inside was one of the prettiest women he had ever had the pleasure of seeing. She had long black hair, bushy eyebrows and a pointed nose that tilted up at the end.

She was wearing a low-cut blouse that revealed a good two inches of cleavage. Mule caught himself staring at the woman's breasts.

"Where you goin?" she asked.

"Squiggy's," he said. She had a pair of major leaguers, was pretty and even talking to him.

"Need a lift?"

"I could use a ride," he said.

She frowned, but smiled. "Hop in."

Again, Mule didn't have to be told twice. He could smell her perfume, a fragrance that smelled like roses. She was wearing a pair of tight jeans and beat-up boots.

"Thank you," he said. Her breasts were like a magnet to his eyes. She should be in one of those dirty books Squiggy has.

"You'll have to give me directions," she said. "Why didn't you drive out here? Need the exercise?"

"Don't got no truck."

She nodded. That didn't seem to bother her. "I got some beer in the ice chest there."

Mule looked at where she was pointing, a small camo ice chest on the floorboard. He looked back at her and then at the ice chest. A beer-drinking babe was giving him a ride! Squiggy wouldn't believe this.

He helped himself to a beer. "Thank you. Want one?"

"Depends on what you're offering."

"Uh, a beer?"

"Maybe later."

Mule tried not to stare but couldn't help it. Every little bump or turn sent her breasts moving with the flow.

"Man!" he said, and cringed.

She turned and smiled at him. "You like em?"

"Uh, what?"

"You know what. They's real."

"What's real?"

"My rack."

Mule spewed the drink of beer out of his mouth. "Sorry."

"Don't worry bout it. You never said if you liked them."

He nodded and hoped his tongue wasn't hanging out of his mouth.

She slowly ran her right hand down from her throat to the bottom of the "V" shirt and back several times.

Mule knew he was drooling, but couldn't stop. "You're sweating," she said.

He nodded, still staring at her. She arched her back and pulled her shirt a little to the side of each breast.

Mule had forgotten all about his hurt leg and the beer. They were driving down the dirt road and he was having trouble breathing.

"Is this it?" she asked. They were at the clearing to Squiggy's house. The new house was still in the same condition as it was.

Mule looked around and nodded. His concern with Squiggy had lessened considerably. "Let me check and see if he's here."

Mule got out of the truck and limped off toward the cellar. Squiggy's truck was gone, so Mule had a good idea his friend was not home. The woman moved up next to him.

"I'm cold!" she said and giggled. Mule looked down and saw that it was rather nipply.

"Yeah, you is," he said. They looked like .22 shells.

"Where's your friend live?" she asked.

"In there," Mule said, pointing to the cellar.

She walked in front of him and went down the steps to the cellar. The woman opened the door and went inside. "Nobody's here."

Mule was standing at the top of the steps, wondering where his friend was hiding out. This was really bothering him. He stood there for a few seconds and realized the woman was still in the cellar.

She poked her head out the door. "I'm getting a little lonely in here."

Mule was positive his jaw just dribbled off the ground.

Chapter 22

Chapter 20

2005-12-12T03:18:00.000-08:00

As far as hitting somebody, it wasn't much of a hit. Mule actually just bumped Jimmy with the padded end of the crutch, but you couldn't tell that from his reaction.

The little Yosemite Sam-looking guy staggered back a few feet and went to a knee.

"Jimmy, are you okay?" his wife asked, glaring at Mule.

"I've been struck," Jimmy said. It appeared to be a first for the cowboy.

Mule was giggling. Squiggy was trying not to laugh while May was crying.

"Heckfire," Mule said. "That won't even leave a bruise."

"What's with you bludgeoning me?" Jimmy asked, shaking his head.

"You was goin after Squiggy."

"So?"

"He's my buddy."

Jimmy paused to spit a wad of tobacco juice on the ground, barely missing the little boot on his right foot. He stood with some help from his wife, who stood almost half a foot taller.

"Get outta the truck," he said, looking at Mule.

"Me?"

"Yeah, nobody thunks me over the head with a crutch and gets away with it." Jimmy took his cowboy hat off and saw it was dented! This didn't help matters. "You ruined my Stetson!"

Mule tried to climb down from the truck. Broken leg or not, he had been challenged by the little guy. Mule had barely got down from the truck when Jimmy charged. Mule stuck his crutch out and caught the little man in the chest. He was pumping his arms and legs, but not making any ground thanks to the crutch.

"Hold yer horses, Yosemite," he said. "I ain't ready to whoop yer butt yet."

Jimmy was flailing his little arms, still with the end of the crutch stopping his progress.

Squiggy had seen enough. He didn't need or want anybody to fight his battle. "You wanna fight somebody, get you some of me."

"Later," Jimmy said. "I'm gonna take care of this big fellow then beat your butt."

"He's got a broke leg."

"He'll have more'n that after I get through with him."

Arlene stormed up to Squiggy, willing to take on the challenge.

"Git outta my face," Squiggy said.

"Why, you scared?" she asked.

"Naw, you got the bad breath."

"Liar! I have an Altoid!"

"Don't matter." Squiggy walked past her toward Jimmy, who was tiring quickly. "Let him go, Mule."

Jimmy weighed his options. Things weren't looking all that good. "You want a piece of me?"

"Whatever, Little Jimmy," Squiggy said, a nickname that one Jimmy Alice hated with a passion.

Jimmy pushed aside the crutch and came after Squiggy, who responded like he was in a football tackling drill. It was difficult to get low enough, but he executed a perfect form tackle and slammed the little man down on the asphalt. Squiggy pinned Jimmy with his knees on the man's shoulders and giggled.

"Get off me!" Jimmy hollered.

Squiggy saw the long hairs poking out of the man's nose and couldn't help himself. He plucked a couple.

"Hey, that hurts!" the little man said.

"Say 'uncle'," Squiggy said.

"No!"

Squiggy plucked a hair from the man's mustache, a long one hanging over his lip.

"Ow!" Arlene came up behind Squiggy and started beating on his back. The blows were much harder than anything Jimmy was capable of delivering.

Squiggy paid no attention and kept plucking hair's from the man's face. He thought about getting his knife out and shaving Jimmy, but decided that might be pushing things.

"Quit pulling my hairs!" Jimmy hollered. Arlene jumped on Squiggy's back and put him in a headlock. Mule thought about helping, but decided his friend could take care of this. She knocked Squiggy's hat off and grabbed his hair in the back.

"Get off my husband!" she screamed. Several cars and trucks were stopped on the highway, taking in the scene. Squiggy stuck his hand down the back of his pants, wallowed it around in there for a few seconds then stuck it under Jimmy's nose.

"A stink bomb!" Mule hollered, laughing so hard he doubled over.

Jimmy was really struggling now. "My gosh that's horrible!" He was shaking his head, but Squiggy would stay in tune, his hand right next to the man's nose.

Squiggy was laughing also. He had never done this to anybody before, just heard people talk about it. Jimmy's eyes were watering heavily.

"Uncle!" he hollered.

"You quits?" Squiggy asked.

"Anything to get that stinky hand outta my face!"

"You care if I see your daughter?"

"Never!" His eyes bulged even wider as he watched Squiggy go for a refresher. Squiggy stuck his hand down his pants again, let it linger, then pulled his hand out and slowly moved it toward the man's face. "Please quit!"

"Get off my daddy," May said.

Everybody looked at her. That took all the steam out of Squiggy. He removed his hand and crawled off, with Arlene still holding on. She was slapping him in the back of the head, but it hurt little, compared to the look he saw on May's face. Squiggy shook Arlene off and stood up. May was so upset that she was shaking.

"I'm sorry, May," Squiggy said. It had no effect on her. Jimmy was trying to snort in some fresh air. His hat had fallen off, revealing what looked like a permanent imprint of the hat on the man's head. His hairs were messed up, aside from where the hat bands had been.

May lowered her head and ran toward her car, the crying cutting a hole in Squiggy. He walked toward her, but knew it was a waste. She got in and drove off, leaving Squiggy standing in the middle of the parking lot with his hands in the front pockets.

Arlene was kneeling next to her husband. "Are you okay?"

"I can't breathe!" he complained.

Mule followed behind his friend. He moved up beside Squiggy and put his arm around him. "It'll be okay."

Squiggy turned to his friend. His face looked worse than little Jimmy's. He might have came out on top against the rest of her family, but knew this was a big loss. May would never want anything to do with him now, not after he tortured her father with his stinky hand.

"Naw, it won't."

They turned around and started moving toward the truck. Jimmy and Arlene were standing now, watching to make sure Mule and Squiggy stayed away. Squiggy walked with his head down. Somehow, he always thought things would work out between him and May. That dream was dying for him.

They got in the truck and Squiggy leaned his head against the steering wheel. Jimmy was hollering at them again, helped by Arlene. Squiggy heard them, but could care less.

"Let's go, Squiggy," Mule suggested.

Squiggy stayed in the same position for several minutes, refusing to move. Finally, he turned the key, firing the engine up and drove away slowly. The traffic had cleared out on the highway so he gunned the engine and took off. He was quiet while driving through town. They passed through the empty downtown and two groups of Mexicans having a party out in the lawn.

He didn't even bother hollering at them. Squiggy got to Mule's house and stopped the truck.

Mule wasn't wanting to go home, but could tell Squiggy didn't want any company. He grabbed a few beers and opened the door. "Where you goin, Squiggy?"

Squiggy shrugged his slumped shoulders, looking straight ahead. It was getting dark, but Mule could see the tears slowly descending down Squiggy's cheeks.

Mule got out of the truck and stood in the road, watching Squiggy drive off, wondering if he would ever see him again.

Chapter 21

Chapter 19

2005-12-09T03:14:00.000-08:00

The three occupants of the rusty old truck were spellbound. Whatever was in the woods was something they had never seen before. It walked upright, like a man, with a slight bend at the top of its back. If it was a man, it needed a shave in the worst way.

But this was no man. Squiggy had seen some scary men in his life. This thing took the case.

"What is that?" May asked. She put her hand on Squiggy's thigh and squeezed. For a second, he forgot about the creature. May's hand was fairly close to his Mister Bojangles.

"Ah," he said. "Uh, I don't know. Let's shoot it!"

"Wait," Mule yelled. "That might be a bigfoot!"

"Ain't no such thing as a bigfoot!" Squiggy hollered, still somewhat distracted by the location of May's hand. If he could navigate a couple of inches, she would be in business.

"Is too!"

"No there ain't." Squiggy tried to slide down in the seat a little bit but her hand went with him, still high on his thigh, but not making contact.

"What's that then?" May asked. She was wondering why Squiggy was squirming. May thought it might be because he was scared, then looked down and saw where her hand was located. She slid her hand off his leg. "Sorry, Walter."

Squiggy groaned. So close, yet so far away! May came close to visiting uncharted territories for her. "Uh, it's okay."

"I bet that there's the bigfoot that took my daddy!" Mule added.

"Ain't no bigfoot took your dumb daddy," Squiggy replied. He missed not having May's hand on his leg. Squiggy thought about grabbing her hand and putting it back down there. Some girls didn't mind. He doubted that May would go for that move. She used to give him a terminal case of blue cods, teasing him just enough that Squiggy thought they would go to town, but always hitting the bypass at the last moment.

He was just glad she had not accidentally put her hand on Mule's leg. May would have never been the same.

"You don't know that!" Mule answered. The thing was still standing at the edge of the woods looking at them. Psycho was still in the back of the truck, now whimpering. She had never been afraid of anything before, but was terrified of whatever was out there. They caught a smell of something bad.

"Was that you, Mule?" Squiggy asked.

"What? That smell?"

"Yeah."

"Naw, I figgered it was you or June."

"It's May, not June," she said. May was scared, both of the thing in the woods and how close she got to Squiggy's package. She had almost liked it, but couldn't do anything like that with a man until they were married. At least that had been her standing orders in the past.

"Sorry," Mule said. He started to say something else about the creature, then remembered something he was going to ask Squiggy. "Hey, I didn't see no toilet in your cellar."

"So?" Squiggy asked. He didn't like where this was going.

"So, what do you do when you gotta go?"

"I go."

"But where?"

Squiggy didn't want to answer that question. May would not be impressed if she found out that he grew really close to nature when it called.

"To town," he answered. It wasn't true, but it did sound better than saying he made his deposits back behind the shed. That was another reason he didn't want them to venture all that close to the storage building. He had not bothered to dig a hole lately to bury his droppings and a swarm of flies were rather fond of the area.

"That's gotta suck. Where do you shower?"

"Truck stop. They got towels and everthing!"

"Wow!" Mule thought that was pretty cool. He would have to try that out sometime. The hot water heater at his house had been out for almost two months and he was tired of taking cold showers.

The thing roared one last night and slipped back into the trees and the forest.

"Dadgum!" Mule said. "I oughta follow that bigfoot feller. He might lead me to my daddy!"

"I reckon if that thing took your daddy, he was probably lunch."

Mule looked rather sad. "You think he ate my Daddy?"

Squiggy realized he should have not said that about the bigfoot eating Mule's father. Even May got a little squeamish over that comment. "Mule, that thing ain't ate your daddy. I imagine he's off shacked up with some skank."

"He wouldn't leave Mommy for some skank!"

"Whatever. Would you wanna be married to her?"

"Mommy?"

Squiggy nodded.

"Naw, that wouldn't be right," he answered. "I don't figger a person can marry their own mamma."

May looked down at her watch. It was getting close to time for her dinner. Plus, she didn't really enjoy this conversation. "I'm ready, Walter."

Squiggy's jaw fell wide open. She had never said that to him before. He put his arm around her and looked over at his friend. "You need to get outta the truck for a while."

"How come?" Mule asked. The thing still might be out there.

May wondered why Squiggy was pulling her close, then figured it out. "No, Walter, I meant to get on back to town. I'm going to be late."

"Oh," he said. Mule was starting to get out of the truck. "You don't gotta get outta the truck, Mule."

"Naw, I will. I'll ride in the back with Psycho." Mule slid out of the truck and went around back. It apparently wasn't easy to get in the back with a broken leg. They heard him grunt and groan a few times until Mule got situated. "You can go now!"

Squiggy slowly started to drive away, pleased that May had stayed next to him. His arm was still around her and she didn't seem to mind. As they got on the highway, Squiggy wasn't positive, but thought May had moved a little closer. He was driving much slower than normal, not wanting this to end.

As they past the dollar store and the closed down grocery store, May put her hand back in the same location it was earlier. She shouldn't do this, of course, but all the excitement of the day was getting to her. Squiggy was breathing heavier now and she realized the reason why.

May slowly moved her hand up his leg, almost too close. Squiggy was driving slow enough now that some kid on a tricycle could smoke them. They were just a block away from the church. Squiggy was about to go into a coma. It was warm in the truck, but he started shaking.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

He nodded several times, his head going back and forth like it was a bobblehead. Oh, she was close. He took a quick glance down and saw her pinky was centimenters away. Squiggy let his hand slide down from her shoulder. He was almost touching her breast and she hadn't blocked him!

May wished she didn't have to go eat with her family. She looked down at him and saw he was rather excited. They were at the turn to the church. May looked into the parking lot, next to her car and saw somebody standing next to her car.

She stopped the travel of her hand and slid across the seat to the window. This was not good.

"I'm sorry," Squiggy said. He had actually gotten in the area code of her right bosom and thought that must have offended her.

"Look," May said and pointed next to her car, a small import parked near the back of the lot. There were only two autos in the parking lot. Her car and a Cadillac that was parked next to it.

"Uh oh," Squiggy said. He recognized the car and the person next to May's Honda Civic.

It was a woman, a thin stern-looking one wrapped up in a long coat that reminded Squiggy of a flasher. Her hair was blowing in the cold air, matching the icey look on her face. He drove over next to the car. The woman started advancing on them, moving rather briskly with her arms crossed. It was easy to see she wasn't happy.

"Howdy!" Mule said from the back of the truck. The woman didn't respond. She walked directly to the passenger side of the truck and opened the door. Her eyes were like slits. As she breathed, it looked like smoke was coming out of her mouth.

"You!" she said, pointing at Squiggy with the finger of her right hand covered with a leather glove.

"Uh, how's it going?" Squiggy asked. May's mother hated him with a passion and was not happy to see her daughter in his truck.

"I never expected to see this!" the woman added. Squiggy thought she had some serious anger management problems that needed to be dealt with. "Maybelle! Get out of that nasty truck!"

She saw the beer bottles scattered through the floorboard along with other assorted trash and spit cups.

May looked sadly at Squiggy and climbed down out of the truck. Mule poked his head through the sliding glass window.

"Wanna go ridin around with us?" he asked. The woman ignored his request. "My name's Mule. Wanna know why?"

May's mother, Arlene Alice, turned toward Mule's head. "I've heard why they call you that! I don't think it is appropriate, young man!"

"Huh?" Mule asked. Nobody had ever said his name was not appropriate before. "You needs to chill, old woman."

Squiggy would have laughed, if this wasn't so bad. Arlene looked at him like Squiggy's father used to glare at him if he ate the last biscuit without asking.

"I have called her father," Arlene said. "He is going to take care of this. I've told you never to have anything to do with my daughter."

"Don't figger it's your call," Squiggy said, a comment that did not go over well.

"I do!" Arlene yelped. "My daughter is too good for you! Just look at this! You're driving an old beat-up wreck with who knows what in the back. You are a mess and not good enough to even talk to my daughter."

"That ain't a nice thing to say," Mule mentioned. He looked over at Squiggy and saw the sad look on his friend's face. "You oughta tell him youse sorry."

"Did you actually say the word 'youse'?" Arlene asked.

"Uh, yeah."

"White trash! You're both white trash and my daughter will not be a part of it."

"Boy, youse a bitch!" Mule said. It was obvious the woman was not used to being addressed in this fashion.

She started to say something, then heard another truck pulling into the parking lot. It was a big Dodge with the four doors, decked out with every attachment known to man. The truck pulled up beside Squiggy and the door opened even before the truck came to a stop. Out popped a little man wearing a cowboy hat, boots that almost seemed too small for an adult's feet, along with the full cowboy attire. His jeans were tight, failing to advance beyond the beer gut that hung over the man's pants.

He had a beard that was a mixture of colors. The man actually looked like the Yosemite Sam character that Mule enjoyed watching on the cartoons. He advanced toward Squiggy and actually started rolling the sleeves of his shirt up.

Mule giggled. "Look at the little feller!"

The man cast Mule a dirty look. He was too intent on getting after Squiggy instead.

"Get out of your truck, boy!" he said. "I warned you about staying away from my Maybelle!"

Squiggy shook his head and opened the door. If he was mad instead of sad, Squiggy would have gone for the man with his patented eye gouge. May came running around the truck. "Daddy, leave him alone!"

"Get in the truck, honey!" Jimmy Alice hollered. "I'm gonna teach this punk a lesson."

"No!" Arlene shouted. But it was too late to stop Mule from hitting her husband over the head with his crutch.

Chapter 20

Chapter 18

2005-12-08T03:12:00.000-08:00

She sighed heavily and looked away. Squiggy wished he had never asked her if she was sorry now. They had something special at one time. It had taken a long time, but he had finally let it go. Now, here she was, messing with his head again.

"I never wanted to leave you," she said, talking slowly.

"Why'd you do it?" Squiggy asked.

"You know why."

"Naw, I got a few theories but don't know why. I always figgered you thought I wasn't good enough for you."

"It's not that. We're two different people."

"Ain't everbody?"

That response threw her. She had to consider her answer, trying not to stick another dagger in his heart.

"We come from different backgrounds," she added. "It's like night and day."

"Seemed to me we blended pretty well."

"We did. I've never had a better time with anybody else."

Squiggy's stomach was really acting up. He had more fun with a bunch of women, not that Squiggy would tell her. But he had never cared for anybody even close to May.

"But I ain't good enough for you?" he asked.

"Your idea of a good time is driving around and drinking beer."

That wasn't his idea of a good time, he thought. That was what he did to keep from thinking about her and life.

"I coulda changed," he said. "I did when we was a dating."

She nodded. The lighting in the cellar wasn't all that great, but Squiggy thought she was crying. Aside from church, where the tears appeared in every service, he had seen her cry only one other time. When May told him that she had chosen somebody else.

"I know you did," May said.

"Yer momma hates my guts," Squiggy said. He thought that had more to do with them breaking up than anything else.

May was not the type to lie and didn't deny the claim. Her mother thought Squiggy was several levels beneath May and could never consider him being the father of her grandchildren.

"I don't care what she thinks," May said. Squiggy had his doubts about that. Her mother was a professional nag, one of the best he had ever seen. She would pressure May until getting her way, it didn't matter who it hurt.

"I'm doing this for you," he said. It was a statement Squiggy regretted instantly.

"Doing what for me?" she asked.

"Building that house. I wanted to prove that I ain't all white trash. I didn't ever expect that we'd get back together, but I wanted to show you."

May was crying now. Nobody had ever done anything like that for her before. Everybody else had always wanted things from her, not done anything like this for her.

"Walter," she said, and left the word hanging in the air.

Squiggy needed a beer. His nerves were on the edge. Squiggy knew he should say something, but was at a loss. May came toward him and put her arms around him. She leaned her head against his chest and heard the heart beat, thumping much too fast.

He slowly put his arms around her. Squiggy had dreamed of this, but never expected it to happen. She nestled even closer, something he didn't think was possible.

"I'm so sorry," she said, and stepped back to look him in the face. May looked at her watch and wiped away the tears with her right hand. "We need to go."

"You sure?"

"We have a family dinner in thirty minutes at my grandmother's house."

Squiggy nodded and watched her walk away, slowly taking the steps of the cellar. He followed her and noticed May linger at the top, looking at the house. Mule was over by the truck, petting the dog. He saw them and smiled, but it quickly went away.

Nobody said anything as they walked to the truck. Squiggy wanted to say something, like they always did in the movies to save the moment. But nothing would come out. She got in the truck and slid over in the middle. Mule followed her. Squiggy hopped in the driver's side and fired up the truck.

There was some romantic song on the radio that always made him think of her. He turned it off and slowly took off.

As they drove down the driveway, Psycho started going crazy, barking and running around in the bed of the truck.

"What's wrong with yer dog?" Mule asked.

"Don't know," Squiggy said. He started looking around. Something was not right. May sat up in the seat and also looked around.

She was the first to see it, a movement back toward the trees on the right. "What's that?"

Squiggy and Mule turned in that direction. They also saw something big disappear into the woods.

"Was that a bear?" Mule hollered.

"Ain't never seen a bear round here," Squiggy said. He stopped the truck, got his gun and got out. Squiggy made it over to the clearing next to where the thing was before it disappeared into the woods. There was a roar not too far away that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Whatever it was, the thing sounded like it was coming back. Squiggy started backpeddling. He heard something rustling back in the thick woods and he ran back to the truck.

"Hurry up, Squiggy!" Mule hollered through the open window. He didn't need any prompting. Squiggy moved faster than he had since his high school days playing football.

Squiggy could still hear the thing tromping through the woods, sounding like it was getting closer. He fumbled with the door handle. May opened the door for him and he jumped inside.

"What was that, Walter?" she asked.

"Heck if I know, but it doesn't sound too happy."

Squiggy started to drive off when Mule screamed.

"Look!"

They did and saw something they never expected.

Chapter 19

Chapter 17

2005-12-07T03:08:00.000-08:00

May was the one for old Squiggy. Being with her again, brought back all the old pain. He had this funny feeling when she was around him.

While driving down the road, much slower and carefully than usual, all his nerves were doing a dance that was upsetting his stomach.

They were standing on her porch when May broke the news that she had chosen another guy over him. Squiggy was a little used to that, but with May, it was different.

He had hurt bad and never really recovered. Squiggy couldn't blame her. May's mother never liked him and made sure to tell her daughter that on every opportunity possible, which was a lot.

Squiggy glanced over at her and saw she was smiling at him. His stomach growled, making a noise that was easily heard over the engine of the truck.

"Was that you, May?" Mule asked.

She shook her head and nodded toward Squiggy.

"Dadgum, Squiggy, hope you ain't got that diarear thing going around."

"I'm fine," Squiggy said, although he didn't feel all that great.

"I pooped my pants at the church," Mule said.

Squiggy could feel her move closer to him.

"Sorry to hear that," she said.

"I's better now. Squiggy says it's the dressing's fault."

"Probably is."

"We was goin to the bar. Wanna come?"

May had never stepped foot in a bar in her life. That was certainly not her cup of tea. "I'll pass."

"We ain't goin to no bar now," Squiggy said.

Mule sighed. That just ruined all his plans. He hadn't been to The Last Call since his leg was broken.

"My last girlfriend got busted for bein a ho," he said.

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind," Squiggy said.

"You seen Big Uns?" Mule asked.

Squiggy looked out the window, grinding his teeth. "No!"

"What's Big Uns?" she asked.

"This chick. She's got some big ol melons."

May scooted a little bit back in Mule's direction.

Squiggy was trying to figure out some way to get rid of Mule. Yeah, he was his friend, but wasn't helping out much. He slowly drove out to his land, passing the spot where they had the accident.

"Hey, here's where you ran me over!" Mule said.

"I didn't run you over."

"There's the tree you hit."

They could see the scrape on the bark.

"That sure did hurt. I had to go to the doctor place. The nurse kept taking pictures of my injury."

"Your leg?" May asked.

"Naw, my thing. We thought it was broke. They..."

"Mule!" Squiggy blurted out. "May doesn't want to know bout that."

"I'm afraid I'll be on they's computer."

"Huh?" May asked. She was lost. Squiggy's friend was certainly not like anybody she had ever been around.

Squiggy had to change the subject. "How long you been divorced?"

"I ain't never been married," Mule answered.

"I was talkin to May."

"Oh."

"Which time?" she asked.

"Time?"

"I was married twice since we dated. The last one only lasted a month."

"What happened?" Mule asked, causing Squiggy to groan again.

"Which time?"

"The last one."

"He changed."

"How's that?" Mule asked. It was like he had turned into Ed Bradley.

"I'd rather not say," she answered, hoping that ended the subject.

Mule nodded, finally letting the subject end. They finally got to Squiggy's place and turned down the long driveway. As they got closer, Squiggy wondered if this was a mistake.

"The bank took Squiggy's house," Mule announced.

"I'm sorry to hear that," May said, looking at Squiggy for an explanation.

"Also got his dirty book collection."

May got a strange look on her face.

"But we stole it back, huh Squiggy?"

Squiggy was really wanting to crawl in a hole.

"Don't you member?" Mule asked.

Squiggy was looking out the window and nodded.

"I borreyed one," he added. "Some of the pages was stuck together for some reason."

"How'd that happen?" Mule asked.

"The bankers must've spilled something on it," Squiggy said.

"Probably," she agreed.

"Naw, I think it's from..." they had arrived at Squiggy's place. Directly in front of them was the famed storm cellar. To the left was what Squiggy wanted to show them. "...hey! Somebody's buildin a house on your property, Squiggy!"

The house had a pad and was framed up. "It's mine, Mule."

May looked at the house, at Squiggy and back at the house. "Who's building that for you?"

"I'm doing it myself."

"Dang, Squiggy!" Mule said. "I didn't know you was a carpenter feller."

Squiggy nodded. This was his pride and joy, something he had worked on constantly over the last few weeks. He pulled to a stop and they got out. Squiggy and May started walking toward the house. Mule headed directly to the storm cellar.

"This is really nice," May said. "How are you paying for this?"

"Been savin some money here and there." Actually, he had gotten the cement and wood for pennies on the dollar. People had done some things they didn't want others to know about and Squiggy used that knowledge to get a good deal.

May walked up to the house and stepped through an opening. "I can't believe this, Walter."

She always used to wonder if he had any ambition to do anything other than drink beer. This had changed her opinion drastically. Squiggy stood back and looked at his work. This made him feel good, something life and even Mule could not change.

"Hey, somebody done locked you outta yer cellar!" Mule hollered. He was standing at the entrance to the cellar, fiddling with the padlock.

"I locked it, Mule," Squiggy said.

"Oh," Mule sounded relieved. "Can you open her up so we's can look?"

Squiggy's smile faded. He really didn't want May to see that he was living in a storm cellar and the mess inside.

"Naw, that's kinder private," he said.

"It's just us!" Mule hollered.

"It's okay," May said. "Let him look. Maybe that will keep him quiet for a few minutes."

Squiggy nodded. She obviously didn't know Mule very well. He walked over and opened the lock and the door. Mule quickly climbed down the steps to take a look. There was a mattress on the concrete floor along with a small dresser. Squiggy had placed a piece of tubing in the corner to hang his clothes. Mule saw a small fridge in the far corner and went to inspect it.

"Dang, this is nice!" he hollered. "Must be nice livin in a place where you never have to worry bout twisters getting you!"

They walked back toward the house. She saw the plumbing had been roughed in. "How many bedrooms?"

"I figger there'll be three," Squiggy said and walked around the house pad and between the openings, pointing out where everything will be. May was shivering. It was really getting cold now. He removed his jacket and held it out for her. "Here."

She took the jacket and put it over her shoulders. May smiled at him. None of the other guys she had been with would ever do something so kind.

"Thank you, Walter," she said. "This is so nice. I'm proud of you."

Squiggy beamed. It had been a long time since anybody had said they were proud of him. He wondered what she would say if he told her why he was building the house. That it was to show May and her mother that he wasn't just white trash.

Mule came out of the storm cellar and popped his head out. "Hey, I can't find the dirty books!"

Squiggy pointed over at a storage shed back against the trees. Mule crutched up the final steps and practically raced over to the storage shed.

"Dang, Squiggy!" he hollered. "Somebody done locked you outta yer barn!"

"I locked it," he answered.

"Let me in!"

"Not now," Squiggy replied. There was a lot of stuff in there that May didn't need to see or hear Mule talking about.

"How come?" Mule hollered. He was really disappointed. Inside that door was hours of enjoyment, just waiting for him.

"I lost the key," Squiggy said.

Mule banged a crutch against the lock. "I could probably pick it."

"Naw, I'll find it sometime then show it to you."

Mule's shoulders slumped. He banged the lock once more, then gave up and moved over toward the house.

"Big Uns'd probably like this," Mule said.

"She ain't never gonna be here to see it," Squiggy fired back.

"I thought she'd been to your cellar fore?"

May laughed. Squiggy didn't see anything funny about that at all.

"You should be buildin houses stead of what you's doing," Mule said.

"Where are you working?" May asked.

"Same place," Squiggy said. "Been there a long time."

She nodded. At least he would work, something her last two husbands were not all that fond of doing.

Squiggy saw that she was still shivering. "I got a heavier coat, if you want one."

May nodded. He started walking to his cellar, hoping she did not follow. May did, all the way into the cellar. She looked around and saw the television on a few concrete blocks on the floor, which made sense considering there was a satellite dish next to the door and the mailbox.

There was one sheet on the mattress and a blanket tossed to the side. He did have about four pillows without covers at the end. She looked at the ceiling and saw he had rigged up a ceiling fan, hanging low enough that she had to duck to get by. There was a recliner next to the mattress, a beat-up one with several holes. She moved several beer bottles out of the seat and sat down.

Squiggy was going through his clothes and faced away from her. He was rather embarrassed that May saw this. "I'm sorry bout this."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about, Walter," she said, and ducked her head. "I'm the one who should be sorry."

Those words hung out in the air for several seconds. Squiggy grabbed the jacket and walked over to where she was sitting and handed it to her. He had a little space heater in the cellar and it was rather toasty. She took the jacket and put it in her lap.

"But are you?" he asked.

She looked away from him. "Am I what?"

"Sorry."

May bit her lip and was silent for several seconds. Finally, she looked up at him and her answer stunned him.

Chapter 18

Chapter 16

2005-12-06T03:33:00.000-08:00

The Squigster almost dropped the plates of food. He felt trapped with no escape and also like an idiot. He should have known she would be here. She always was helping out with her church or anybody else who needed a helping hand.

Squiggy worried about his beer breath and how he looked, for a change. He placed the plates on the table and removed his hat. Squiggy took a step back and also took his old hat off, not a good move since he had a terminal case of hat hair and each one was going every direction.

She hadn't changed since the last time he saw her. It was at her house from two winters ago, the night when she dropped the bomb.

It still hurt, getting told by her that she had chose somebody else. Her hair was a little longer in the back, but still with that little twirl up front that he couldn't ever figure out how she did. She was still a little thin and wore a sweater that concealed her breasts.

Her dress was also a little big and reached almost to the ground. She was smiling at him and that was like a dagger in his heart. Nobody else ever smiled at him like that.

"How have you been doing?" she asked.

"Uh, dandy," Squiggy answered. That was about a dumbbutt reply, Squiggy decided, and wished there was some way to erase it.

"I've tried to get hold of you."

Yes, she had, several times. Squiggy ignored them. She didn't know how bad he was hurt and just the sight of her or hearing from her was more than Squiggy could stand.

He had tried to change for her, but it wasn't good enough. She chose a businessman from another town over him. Her mother helped influence that decision, Squiggy knew, and disliked that woman even more.

"Been a little busy," he said.

She nodded but looked a little skeptical. He had never been too busy before. "You must be hungry."

He looked down at the plates and realized that made him look like a pig. "It's for a friend's mother."

"Oh. I'm glad to know you're seeing somebody."

"Huh?"

"I'm glad that you found somebody," she said, but the smile had diminished.

"Naw, it's for a buddy out in the truck. His mother ain't got nothing to eat and we's taking her some food."

"That's nice of you."

Her smile returned and Squiggy realized he was smiling also. It was nice of him, and did make him feel better.

"We already ate."

"There's plenty in case you want some more."

"Naw, I'm bloated." Squiggy cringed. That was not the right thing to say to her.

"You need a hand?"

"Naw, I got two."

She giggled. "I meant carrying the food."

"Uh, sure." He grabbed one plate and handed it to her. Squiggy took the other one.

"Who's your friend?"

"Mule."

She looked a little strange, almost like that name was familiar. "His name's 'Mule'?"

"I guess, that's what everybody calls him."

"How come?"

Squiggy almost lost his plate. "Just a nickname, I guess."

She nodded. Her face was a little blushed. "You look good."

Squiggy smiled more than he had in the last two years. He looked around for the evil mother, but she was absent.

"My mother's not here," she said. It was almost like she could read his mind.

Her mother disliked Squiggy from the start. He tried everything possible to win her over, but she never thought Squiggy was good enough for her daughter.

"Good," Squiggy said. "Sorry, shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay. I don't blame you for that."

Squiggy was so nervous that he needed to wee. "We best get going."

She nodded and started walking to the exit.

"It's really good to see you," she added as they walked down the hall.

"You, too," Squiggy said. It was the truth. He had missed her so bad. The beer and skanky women never took her away from his thoughts. "Where's the dude?"

"What dude?"

"That feller you married."

She slowed down. Squiggy wished he had never asked.

"We got divorced," she said. "Apparently I took our wedding vows a lot more seriously than he did."

"What do you mean?"

She stopped and leaned back against the wall for support. "He cheated on me. I forgave him once, but not the second or third time."

He saw the hurt on her face and wished that subject could be erased. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," she said. "I should've known better."

They started walking again. Squiggy opened the door for her and followed her out the door and to his truck.

"It's a different color," she said. Actually, several different colors than it used to be. At least it started all the time now, thanks to Mule. He was sitting in the truck with his laid back, looking like he was sleeping.

"That must be Mule."

"Yep." They approached the truck. "Wake up, Mule."

Mule jerked awake and looked out the window. He saw Squiggy with a woman! He smiled and took the plates from the open window.

"Howdy!" he said. "I's Mule!"

"Glad to meet you," she said and shook his huge hand that dwarfed her hand. "I'm May."

"May? Like the day?"

"The month," Squiggy said. Mule was acting like a little kid fixing to go on Christmas vacation.

"Cool. Glad you ain't February."

She continued to smile and turned to look at Squiggy. "You guys want some company?"

"Sure," Mule said.

Squiggy almost fainted. His truck was a mess and smelled like a brewery. There was at least a case of beer in the floorbed and Mule still smelled from his earlier accident.

"The truck's a mess," he said.

"It's okay."

Squiggy had an uneasy feeling. He never expected to see her again, especially in a situation like this.

"Lemme get my dog out," he said.

"You got a dog?" she asked.

"Her name's 'Psycho'," Mule said.

At the mention of her name, Psycho climbed up in Mule's lap and looked out the window, her tongue dangling with drool dripping off.

"Hey boy!" May said and reached out to pet the dog.

"It's a girl," Mule said.

Psycho accepted May and accepted a petting. The dog started smelling something and tried to go for the food Mule had put on the dashboard. They started wrestling. May laughed. Squiggy almost died.

He opened the door and grabbed the dog and put her in the back. Mule got out of the truck and moved aside to let May in.

"I broke my leg," Mule said.

"Sorry to hear that," May said. "How'd that happen?"

"Squiggy ran over me."

May looked over at Squiggy for a clarification.

"The truck did," Squiggy said. "I wasn't in it."

"It hurt," Mule added. "We thought I'd broke my..."

"Better get going," Squiggy interrupted. May climbed in the truck and found a place for her feet that wasn't covered with beer bottles.

"We been drinking some beer," Mule said.

"I see that," May said. Squiggy was about to die. He got in the truck and fired up the engine.

"Burn some rubber!" Mule said.

"We's at the church," Squiggy said.

"Never stopped you before."

Squiggy wished Mule was somewhere else.

They took off a lot slower than Squiggy ever drove. He even turned on the blinker as they got back out on the highway.

"Y'all buddies?" Mule asked.

There was no reply for several seconds. "Something like that," May said.

"Good. You're a lot prettier than the bar skanks he usually chases."

"Excuse me?" she asked.

"Nothing. Mule's just kidding. Right?"

Mule didn't think he was telling a joke, just the truth. But he could tell now was a good time to not push that conversation any more.

They drove past the repo lot and Mule giggled. "Look Squiggy! Barbie's still up on the fence."

May looked around but did not see what Mule was talking about. "Who's Barbie?"

"She was this blow-up balloon chick that Squiggy and Chief Arnold fought over."

May looked to Squiggy for a better answer. His face was as red as an apple.

"You guys want a beer?" Mule asked. He popped the top on one and handed it to May. It was rather lukewarm and the smell almost gagged her.

"No thanks," she said and tried to hand it to Squiggy.

"I don't want no beer," he said. She handed the beer back to Mule.

"I thought we was gonna get drunk?" Mule asked.

"I ain't thirsty right now."

"Hmm." Mule didn't worry about anybody else drinking. He had two down by the time they got to his mother's house. His mother was still sitting out on the porch, awake and drinking a beer. Several bottles were scattered on the porch and in the yard.

Squiggy hated to think what was going to happen now. He stopped the truck, got out and helped Mule out. He carried the plates while Mule followed behind.

"Mommy, we gots you some food!" Mule said. Squiggy wondered if there was any way he could dump his buddy.

"Bout time, you dorks!" she hollered. "I was almost starving."

Squiggy wasn't all that concerned. As big as she was, the old woman had plenty of lard to feed herself for a long time.

He handed her to the two plates. She grabbed a tray and set the plates down on them. "Where's the friggin tossed salad?"

"Ain't that enough, Mommy?" Mule asked.

"Dog poop! You know how I goes for the tossed salad. I might as well not eat now. You can't eat Thanksgiving dinner without tossed salad."

"Want us to take the plates then?" Squiggy asked.

"No, that ain't necessary." Squiggy turned and started walking back toward the truck. He could hear Mule coming behind him.

"Slow down, Squiggy!" Mule said. "You's about to leave me behind."

Squiggy stopped and waited. "I figgered you might wanna stay here."

"Wif my Mommy? I don't reckon."

"Oh." Squiggy walked back to the truck, trying to figure out some way to ditch Mule. But his friend was attached like a tick.

They got back in the truck. Squiggy turned back to the porch and saw Mule's mother was going to town on the food. One of the kittens got a little close and was swatted into the front yard, past the lone rose bush.

"Where we goin now?" Mule asked. He got another beer and attacked it, slurping half of it down in one drink.

"We's goin out to my house," Squiggy said.

"Good, I been wanting to see your storm cellar."

"You put in a cellar?" May asked.

"Naw, it's been there," Mule answered. "Squiggy's livin in it!"

Squiggy stared at the window, wondering if things could get any worse. He was about to find out that they could.

Chapter 17

Chapter 15

2005-12-05T03:24:00.000-08:00

The two men left the church and walked toward the truck. A cool wind had started blowing in from the north, dropping the temperatures some ten degrees from when they started their eating binge.

"I's cold, Squiggy," Mule said.

Squiggy looked at his friend, slowly crutching along toward the truck. Psycho had her head out the window, slobbering. "You should wear a coat."

"I guess so. You got an extra one?"

Mule was a good five inches taller and weighed at least fifty pounds more. Squiggy had his work coat in the truck, a tattered brown Carhart jacket. But that was for his use.

"I just got mine and it ain't gonna fit your big butt."

"I ain't worried bout my butt."

"We can go by your house and get one."

Mule nodded. Something was bothering him, but he couldn't figure out what it was. They got into the truck and Psycho started crying. Squiggy pulled some turkey out of his pocket and fed her by hand. Apparently the dog was a little was a little too enthusiastic and tried to include Squiggy's thumb in with the meal.

"Crapfire, Psycho!" Squiggy said. "Don't be eating my fingers!"

The dog was not concerned. She growled, worried about not getting any more food.

Squiggy looked down at his hand and saw some blood forming.

"Yer bleedin," Mule commented.

"I see that."

"Good thing you got that dog her shots, huh?"

Squiggy got bugeyed. "Uh, I ain't got around to that yet."

"Hope she ain't got the rabies."

Squiggy eyed his dog. Surely she didn't have rabies, he thought. But she did act a little strange at times and tended to slobber.

"Mommy says them shots hurt something bad," Mule added.

"What bit her?"

"Daddy."

"Yer father had the rabies?"

"We thought that was why he acted goofy."

"I figger it was cause he was a retard."

"That's what the doctor said. Mommy had to get some shots in her bellybutton."

Squiggy didn't want to hear about Mule's mother getting shots in her bellybutton. He couldn't figure out how the doctor could even find the bellybutton under all the rolls of fat. No doctor was going to shoot him in the bellybutton, by gosh.

"Did she ever start foaming at the mouth?" Squiggy asked. They were driving off from the church. He pulled an illegal u-turn and headed back toward the highway, narrowly avoiding two women trying to cross the street. "Boy, they move pretty good for bein old and all."

"Only when she eats," Mule said. It was close, whatever he had forgotten. Whatever he forgot had something to do with food. Oh well, it would come to him.

Langford was pretty well shut down for the day. Little traffic aside from cars and trucks going through town on the four-lane highway. The stoplight was red. Squiggy paused for a second before speeding through, almost causing two wrecks.

He heard the other cars honk at him, not that he was concerned. The prospect of his dog giving him the rabies and getting shots in his bellybutton were bothering him. He pulled the rest of the food out of his pocket and sat it on the seat. Psycho's little stubby tail started wagging and was pounding Mule.

"She hits pretty hard with her tail," Mule said. He reached out to pet her head, but withdrew his hand when Psycho growled at him. "I'll need to get my other pair of drawers."

"Your other pair?"

"Yeah, I left go my good pair at the church."

"You only have two pairs?"

"Yep. They don't give out drawers at the Army."

"The army?"

"Yeah, them Salavating Army people."

Squiggy nodded. This was a conversation that needed to be nipped in the bud. "Gimme a beer."

Mule handed Squiggy a beer and got one for himself. They were warm, but free, so he wasn't going to complain. "Kinda hurts not wearing no drawers. Think I'm getting a blister."

Squiggy tried to tune out his friend, not that it usually did any good. They arrived in front of Mule's house. It was cold enough all the neighborhood Mexicans had taken their parties in the houses. A bunch of beat up cars and trucks with strange paint jobs were parked in the road and the yards.

He looked at the porch and saw Mule's mother was still sitting on the porch. She had grabbed a blanket off the floor and wrapped it around her. Two kittens were sitting in her lap, apparently fighting.

Mule got out of the truck and started moving toward the house. His mother didn't look all that happy.

"Where's my dang food, you idiot?" she bellowed out.

"What food?" Mule asked. He had realized what they had forgot. Mule had to think fast, a skill he wasn't all that talented in using.

"You was supposed to bring me some food!"

She looked rather irritated. The two kittens were tossed off her lap. Mule stopped halfway up the sidewalk. He looked back at the truck for help, but Squiggy was looking the other way. Mule remembered something and hoped it worked.

He pulled out a turkey leg from his pocket. It was one he was saving for later. "I brought you this leg!"

Mule moved up the sidewalk and handed it to her. She examined the leg for several seconds. "What's that crap on it?"

Mule looked a little closer. "Just a little pocket lint."

She pulled a couple of the bigger pieces off the leg and took a bite. "Where's the tators and the pecan pie? You know I likes the pie!"

"I couldn't carry it with the crutches," Mule said.

"Liar! You didn't think bout your poor mommy sitting at home. You coulda had the worthless friend carry it!"

"He brought some food out for his dog."

"Tell him to come here."

Mule looked back toward the truck. Squiggy had his window down and was already shaking his head. "Squiggy, Mommy wants you!"

"He ain't coming!" she said. "What a peckerhead!"

"I ain't no peckerhead!" Squiggy fired back. "Go get your own food."

"This tain't right, Mule," she said, and worked up misty eyes for added effect. She was tearing into the leg with a passion. "Did you bring me any beer?"

"I figgered you had some in the fridge?" He moved up the sidewalk, hopped up the steps and opened the door to the refrigerator she kept on the front porch. "Mommy, you almost got a case."

"So?"

"Why do you need our beer if you got so much?"

"This won't last all day, dummy."

Mule let his feelings get hurt again. "Don't cry, Mommy! We'll bring you some beer back."

"Go by the Sonic and get me one of them footlong weenies. Haven't had one for a while."

Squiggy giggled, not the best move for him.

"What's so funny?" Mule's mother yelled.

"You ain't had a footlong weenie for a while," Squiggy said. This was a time when he should keep his mouth shut. Squiggy knew that, but sometimes what he should do and did weren't in unison.

Mule giggled. "Ain't funny, boy! I miss your daddy."

He left the porch and went inside. It was a mess, one that he was used to living in. Clothes and trash were scattered everywhere. The television screen was broken since his mother threw a beer bottle at it when she had not liked the last winner of American Idol. Mule went back to his bedroom, one that was not much bigger than a closet.

His mattress was on the floor, covered with a blanket. He used his crutch to knock some beer bottles out of the way. Mule found his other pair of underwear on the ground and examined them. They had several holes in them and only one skidmark so he put them on. Mule found his camo jacket and put that on, also.

When he came back through the house, Mule heard the snoring from the front porch and was relieved. As he got on the porch, Mule saw Squiggy was out of the truck throwing pebbles at his mother.

"Don't do that, Squiggy!" Mule said.

"How come?" Squiggy asked. "You afraid I'll bean her?"

Mule thought about that for a few seconds. "Naw, you might wake her up."

Squiggy dumped the pebbles on the ground and got back in the truck. "Hurry up then."

Mule got back out to the truck and climbed in. They took off and made it halfway down the block before Squiggy threw his beer bottle at a truck parked in the yard.

"Dang, I missed," he said. "Need to get that shoulder fixed."

Mule nodded. He was worrying about Mommy and missing his new woman.

"I ain't seen Red lately," he said.

"She's in the county jail," Squiggy answered.

"What for?"

"She got busted for selling sex."

"Red's a ho?"

"I reckon."

"Didn't figger many guys would want that."

"You did."

"I was drunk. Where we goin?"

Squiggy downed the final half of a beer and threw the bottle in the back of the truck. "Wanna show you something."

"Cool!"

They drove through downtown, past the deserted and crumbling buildings. Squiggy looked at the old movie theater, where he had his first kiss. He missed that place. Now, he went to the drive-in at Poteau to watch movies, but it just wasn't the same.

The old hardware store was now a pawn shop. You had to go out of town just to buy nails now, it was a shame. The place almost looked like a ghost town. Everybody, aside from the Mexicans, had moved out on the highway.

Squiggy tried not to think about it. That saddened him and that was not a emotion he wanted today, not since it was supposed to be a day of thanksgiving. His belly was hurting, although not to the extent Mule had been through earlier.

They got out on the highway and Squiggy floored it, weaving in and out of the few cars like he was a racecar driver. They met a police car but it was Chief Arnold, so Squiggy wasn't worried. The chief knew his truck and wouldn't stop him.

Squiggy turned out on the highway leading to the lake. They passed another church where a large crowd was gathered. Mule jerked his head in that direction.

"They's eating there, Squiggy!" he said.

"I can't eat no more," he said. "You still hungry?"

"Naw, but we might get Mommy some."

Squiggy thought about it for a few seconds. He didn't really want to do it, but the old woman did need to eat. He turned around in the middle of the road and drove back to the church and parked out front.

"Let me get something," Mule said.

"Naw, I'll do it," Squiggy said. "You take too long."

He jumped out of the truck and walked quickly to the church. This was one his mother used to take him to when he was a child. There was a large crowd inside, eating and talking. Squiggy walked inside the church and saw several people he knew. They smiled and welcomed him and it bothered him.

Squiggy passed by the offering plate, filled with money without a second thought. He filled a couple of plates of food and topped it off with two pieces of pie. She moved up beside him and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hello Walter," she said.

Squiggy turned around to see her, although he knew who it was.

"It's good to see you."

He lowered his head and regretted the stop even more.

Chapter 16

Chapter 14

2005-12-02T03:27:00.000-08:00

In the history of mankind, there have been many memorable moments. What happened in the Methodist Fellowship Hall on Thanksgiving Day will probably never be written down by anybody, but for those unfortunate enough to be there, it is a memory that will never leave.

Squiggy had convinced Mule that if he passed gas, it would be a silent one. He was wrong. Right after he hiked his leg, there was an explosion. Squiggy felt the air hit him.

Everybody else in the fellowship hall, the bums, the white trash, old people and helpers certainly heard it also. Many were left holding a food utensil loaded with goodies going into their mouth. Several of them were disgusted. They were always told my their parents not to poot at the table. Their parents never told them not to fart in a church dinner, it was just something they all understood.

Not these retards. Mule looked around the room and saw everybody staring at them. He quickly realized that the people did not know who had cut the cheese.

"Squiggy!" Mule said, loud enough for everybody to hear him. He also shook his head in disappointment, trying to sell it even better.

Squiggy was about to complement Mule on the toot. Now everybody was staring at him. He was used to it when it was something he had done, but didn't really care for it when the old Squigster was getting the blame for something Mule had done.

He looked around and saw a lot of anger directed at him. Squiggy started to protest his innocence and point the finger at the real culprit, then decided it wasn't worth his time.

Squiggy still had some food on his plate that needed to be consumed. It was a lot more important to him than what everybody thought of him.

He got back to eating when somebody tapped on his shoulder. Squiggy's mouth was half full and he didn't like being bothered while eating.

"What?" he asked, rather harshly. Squiggy looked up and saw it was a new helper, wearing an apron and her Sunday best. This one wasn't smiling like the others.

"Sir, if you need to pass another windy, we encourage you to use the bathroom!" she said. The woman was a former teacher and used to getting her way.

Squiggy swallowed a big mouthful without properly swallowing. He would give pretty much anything to be able to cut one right now, but he had made a deposit earlier and just didn't have enough ammo.

He nodded and waited until the woman turned around and started walking off. "Blue-haired hag!" It wasn't said loud enough for many people to hear it. The woman certainly heard it and threw on the brakes. She wheeled around and stormed up to Squiggy.

The woman grabbed Squiggy by the ear and tried to pull him out of the chair. He had a pained look on his face, but wasn't ready to leave the table yet. The preacher was two tables away and looking on with a pained expression.

"Let go of my dang ear," Squiggy said. He was swatting at her like he would a fly buzzing him, not that it was doing any good.

"You have no manners!" the woman said.

That was nothing new to Squiggy. It was also something he could care less about. She had about drug him out of his chair. Squiggy was about to fight back when there was a blur to his left. The woman let go of his ear and slowly dropped to the ground.

"What the crap?" Squiggy said. He looked around and saw what happened. Mule took one of his crutches and whacked the old woman upside the head.

"Uh oh," Mule said. He just wanted to hit her hard enough so she would let go of Squiggy. He didn't want to land a TKO. She was laid out on the floor with a dazed look on her face. The woman's dress and apron came up during the fall and her underwear was visible.

Mule caught Squiggy looking at the old woman's underwear. That was too much for even Mule.

"We best go," Mule said. "I seen the preacher feller heading off to call the law."

"Don't worry bout it," Squiggy said. "Boy, you dern cold cocked her!"

"I didn't mean to do it."

"The old bat was on my ear like one of them snappin turtles." He saw several groups of people gathered together, talking about them. Squiggy decided it was time to hit the road. "Let's go, Mule."

"Where we goin, Squiggy?"

"I'll tell you out in the truck." He didn't want to say it now. Judging from how angry the people were, Squiggy was afraid they might get a posse together. Squiggy looked to make sure nothing was left on his plate. It was a disgusting mess with crumbs scattered everywhere and several plates. He left the mess and started walking toward the exit.

One of the women kept looking at Squiggy, back at the mess he left, then repeating the process. It was almost like she was watching a tennis game. Her mouth dropped open and stayed that way.

Finally, she stormed up to the man, keeping an eye out for the buddy with the crutch. "You sir are a slob!"

Squiggy stared at her for a few seconds. "So? You got a fat..."

Mule patted him on the back and pointed out the front door with his cane. A police car had just pulled up out front. They looked and saw it was Chief Arnold, who had recovered from his accident. The chief walked up to the front door, chewing a turkey leg. He had a lot of it smeared on his face.

Squiggy and Mule turned around and headed for the kitchen. There was another door there. If they got there quick enough, they could sneak out and get away.

"Hurry up, Mule!" Squiggy said as they snuck into the kitchen.

One of the old ladies working in the kitchen dropped the pan she was washing. The woman was at least 70, with thinning hair and breasts that appeared to be sagging to the ground. "Are you really the mule?" she asked.

Mule nodded. He didn't have time to stop and chit chat.

"I've heard about you," the woman said, smiling as her eyes drifted downward.

"Why, thankies!" Mule followed Squiggy out the door. They cut across the lawn toward the truck. Squiggy took off running. He made good time for the first ten yards, then started breathing heavily. Mule was following close behind, going about as fast as a person could using crutches.

They got in the truck and peeled out as Chief Arnold came out of the church, carrying a plate loaded down with food.

"He was just there to eat," Mule said with much glee.

"Yeah, I figgered he was gonna arrest you for pooting in a church."

"Is that against the law?"

"Probably."

"Wasn't actually the church."

"It was the church to me. Gimme a beer." Squiggy waited for Mule to hand him a beer. He popped the top and slurped about half of it down. "Boy, you popped that old woman a good one!"

Mule looked ashamed. He knew better than to hit an old woman with a crutch, but Squiggy needed help. "I didn't mean to knock her out."

"Probably teach her to grab a man by the ear."

Mule nodded and started on a beer. "Where we goin?"

"To eat again."

"Cool! We goin to the Baptist place."

Squiggy nodded and finished off the beer. He snapped his fingers and Mule got another one. He managed to finish off two beers in the half a mile between the two churches. Once again, Squiggy pulled up front of the church and parked in a handicapped parking spot.

There were cars everywhere. Squiggy expected great things at the Baptist church, home of some of the best cooks in Langford. They barged into the church and located the food by their acute smelling capabilities.

There were a few people already in line. Squiggy grew irritated. "Crapfire!"

Two of the people turned around and gawked at him. The woman looked stunned. "You got like food all over your face."

"So?"

They eventually made their way to the head of the line. Standing next to the table was a familiar figure. He was an old man, still in good shape. The man had a full head of gray hair and was dressed in a suit. It was the publisher of the Langford Review, the father of one of Squiggy's best friends.

"Hey Mister Hunt!" Squiggy said and slapped the man on the back. Up until that point, the man was smiling. It slowly faded away.

"Rather good for the most part," the man replied, looking around for somebody else to talk with.

"Looks like a pretty good spread!" Squiggy was staring at the tables filled with food. There was easily twice as many tables, all packed with dishes.

The man nodded uneasily.

"How's Mike Hunt doing?" Squiggy asked, referring to the man's son.

"Your what?" Mule asked.

"Mike Hunt. He's my buddy."

Mule stepped back a step and looked at Squiggy in a strange way.

"I thought you was a feller."

"I am."

"Then how do you got one of them virginia doodads?"

Squiggy looked at his friend for several seconds. He shook his head and coughed up a piece of meat that had been lodged in his throat. "That's his name, you moron."

Mule was thoroughly confused and let it go. He turned his attention to the massive amount of food.

"I understand Michael is doing okay," Mister Hunt said in a way that bothered Squiggy. He remembered that Mike and his father had some problems.

"Tell Mike I asked how they was hangin, okay?"

The old man looked rather nauseated. He looked around for backup and saw his wife approaching the two men.

"Uh oh," Squiggy said.

"What's wrong?" Mule asked.

"Mike's momma's coming." Yes, she was and didn't look at that happy.

She stood about three inches from Squiggy and pointed a finger in his face. "Don't you even think about acting up here like you did at the Methodist Church!"

"How'd you know about that?" he asked.

She didn't bother to answer. She knew everything that went on in Langford, much better than her husband. She was a part of a network of older women who didn't just want to know what was happening and spread it to others, they had to know everything going on in Langford.

"Okay, I's gotta eat now," Squiggy said and headed off to a table. Mule followed and sat beside him.

Mule's stomach rumbled rather loudly.

"Uh oh," he said.

"Don't even think about it," Squiggy said.

"It might be a silent one!"

"Yeah, and it might be another nuclear explosion. There's the yhitter. Go in there."

"That's a long way to go just to fart."

"Then you best hold it. I don't want Missus Hunt yanking on my ear for one of your poots."

An elderly man approached them and sat across the table from them. Squiggy had his first forkload near his mouth.

The man was smiling and showing his dentures off. He was dressed in a suit and tie. His gray hair was combed to perfection and a smile appeared to be glued in place.

"Hey boys," the man said. "Before you eat, mind if I pray?"

Squiggy groaned. "We came here to eat," he said. "Not pray."

Mule was groaning and fidgeting in his chair. "You mind waiting until I drop a load?"

"Excuse me?" the man said. Just the corners of his mouth lost a little of the smile.

"Gotta crap!" Mule said, loud enough for everybody to hear. He grabbed his crutches and took off toward the bathroom at the far wall. Halfway there, he got caught behind an old woman on a walker.

It was a tight walkway and no way to get around. She stopped and talked at every table, making it more painful for Mule. He kept turning around and looking at Squiggy, who had no solution. Mule was hurting badly. Another jolt was coming! This time, it was too much. Mule tried to pinch his cheeks, but it was too late.

Mule kept trying to stop the flow, but realized it was useless and just let it go. Some of the people near him were crinkling their nose and looking at him. Mule headed back toward Squiggy, hoping they could leave.

The smell arrived a few seconds before Mule.

"Whooee!" Squiggy said.

The man lost his smile. It was replaced by a pained expression.

"Squiggy, we needs to go," Mule said. "I had an accident."

He was standing next to an older woman. She was also struggling with the smell. "I'd say you did, mister," the woman said. "Move over next to that there empty table. I'm about to vomit."

Mule nodded and crutched away. He threw on the brakes and looked at Squiggy. "It's coming again!"

His stomach growled and then squealed. Mule clinched up, but it did no good. Pretty much everybody was staring at him. He saw an opening to the bathroom and sped off in that direction, making excellent time. He went in the bathroom and stayed long enough for Squiggy to finish his first two plates. The man had given up and moved off to pray for somebody else.

Mule made it back to the table and sat down next to Squiggy. "Boy, I feel better!"

Squiggy nodded. He kept expecting the awful smell, but it had gone away. "How come you don't stink no more?"

"I took my drawers off in the bathroom."

Squiggy had a pained expression on his face. "What did you do with em?"

"I was gonna put em in the trash but it was full."

"And?"

"So I just put em in the sink."

"Can you move down a few seats?"

Mule looked around. There was plenty of room. It was almost like nobody wanted to sit by them. "How come?"

"Never mind. Let's go."

"Okay," Mule said. "I'm about as full as a dogtick."

They left their mess and headed toward the door. Squiggy looked for an offering plate, but the only one he saw was under the watchful eye of Mrs. Hunt and there was no way she would let him nab a few dollars.

The two men left and headed out in the country.

"Where we goin?" Mule asked.

"I wanna show you something."

Mule nodded. He had forgotten something, but could not remember what it was.

Chapter 15

Chapter 13

2005-12-01T03:48:00.000-08:00

It took Mule a little longer to get out of the truck, due to the cast on his leg. Squiggy was practically running up to the front door of the church.

His face almost looked like that of a rabid dog. He finally waited for Mule, who was hurrying but not making good time.

"Hurry up!" Squiggy said. "Can't you smell it?"

"I am," Mule countered. "Did you cheese?"

"Naw, it's already passed. I'm talking about the food!"

Mule paused for a second and did detect a faint odor of the food waiting for them inside. Free food, that is.

He picked up the speed and was practically running, or as close to running a person can be with a cast on a leg and using crutches.

Squiggy had waited long enough. He opened the door and walked inside. The smell of the food hit him full force now and Squiggy was practically drooling. There was a long hallway leading into the fellowship hall. He could see some people already pigging out and that bothered him. They were eating his food.

There was a knock on the door he just entered. Squiggy stopped and turned around. Mule was standing at the door, knocking on it rather loudly with a crutch. Squiggy waved at his friend to come on in, then realized that must be a problem.

"Crapfire!" he said and went back to open the door. This hanging out with a crip was starting to get on his nerves. He opened the door and let Mule in.

"Thanks, Squiggy!"

"Yeah, whatever," he said and brushed past his friend, nearly knocking Mule down in the process.

There was an older man waiting at the end of the hall, smiling. His hair was gone for the most part. His face was rather thin with cheekbones that were sticking out. The man's eyebrows were thick and bushy. Squiggy noticed the man had long hairs sticking out of his ears. Usually, Squiggy would have told the man to trim his eye brows and ear hairs, but was too concerned with eating.

"Happy Thanksgiving!" the man said, way too cheery for Squiggy's taste.

"Yeah," Squiggy said. He was looking around rather frantic like. "Where's the grub?"

The smile faded a little. "Right over there." He pointed to four tables set against the east wall. Four tables, that is, loaded with food!

Squiggy took off like he was shot out of a cannon, leaving Mule several steps behind. Mule had picked up the pace and was almost to the greeter.

"Happy Thanksgiving!" the man offered, although without as much enthusiasm.

"Thanks!" Mule said. He happened to catch the man's ear hair and had to stare at it for a few seconds. The man had longer hair growing out of his ear than Mule's mother did on her head. "Can I eats here?"

"You sure can!"

Mule smiled and sped off toward the table. Squiggy was at the end of the line, waiting for a couple of old ladies to get out of his way. He happened to notice a collection plate on the table in front of him. There were several dollar bills and change inside. Squiggy acted like he dug something out of his pocket and placed it in the collection plate. As his hand was removed, several of the green pieces of paper made the trip back and were quickly placed in his pocket.

The old ladies were moving slower than a turtle. Heck, he thought, Mule even caught up with him.

"I didn't think we had to pay?" Mule said.

"We don't gotta pay," Squiggy said with a substantial amount of irritation. These old ladies needed to get a move on. "Sometime today?"

The two old ladies turned around. Neither of them looked all that happy. The first one's body frame had the look of a rolly polly. She wore a flowered dress that almost came down to the ground, unable to cover her sandals. Squiggy noticed the woman's toenails were curled back under her hairy toes.

The second woman had hair the color of the sky on a clear day, although it was thinning enough that Squiggy could see her scalp. She carried an oxygen bottle in a pouch slung across her shoulder, although she wasn't hooked up to it at the present time.

She was also rather plump and took a sample of the turkey and put it in her mouth. The chewing process lasted way too long and apparently her feet did not work while her teeth did.

"Hey, get the lead out!" Squiggy added.

The second woman turned to look at him. She had a little bit of turkey lodged on her lip. "What did you say?" the woman asked, loud enough to be heard throughout the large fellowship hall.

"I said 'get the lead out'! We's hungry!"

"Just hold your britches, sonny. Plenty to eat!"

Squiggy shook his head and turned to look at Mule. "Old people tick me off!"

Mule heard the comment easily, as did the two older women ahead of Squiggy, and the two church ladies on the other side of the table. They almost appeared to be carbon copies of the women slowing down the feed trough.

"Sir, please calm down," one of the church ladies said.

"I'll calm down when I gets some food," Squiggy replied.

The women in front of him gradually got out of the way. Squiggy was carrying two plates that he quickly filled up with massive amounts of food.

One of the church ladies was smiling at him. "That's very nice of you to get the plate for your hurt friend."

"He can get his own dang plate," Squiggy said.

He got to the end of the line. Another old woman was waiting for him. "What can I get you to drink?"

"Got any beer?"

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind. Get me some of that there tea and make sure it's loaded with sugar. I needs a fix."

Mule was struggling to carry his plate. One of the church ladies offered to help. "Sir, can I carry your plate for you?"

"Uh, I guess. Can I get it back?"

"Of course."

"Good. Load me up some of them mashed taters." He watched as the woman got some mashed potatoes and put some on his plate. "Mind hitting that again?"

"Oh, you want more?"

He nodded, licking his lips. No Chef Boyardee today! Mule added a few other orders, asking for a little more each time. At the end of the line, the church lady was having trouble carrying his loaded plate without spilling.

"You know you can come back through and get seconds?" she asked.

"Good. How 'bout thirds?"

"I guess."

She carried the massive plate over and sat it down next to Squiggy, who was attacking his food with a passion. A good portion was splattered all over his face.

"Hey, get me some more tea," Squiggy said, handing the woman his cup without ever missing a beat.

"Uh, okay," said the woman, who had given up a family dinner to help out. She looked at some of the other visitors and noticed many of them were staring at the two men with what appeared to be disgust. It was easy to see why. They were practically slurping down the food, sounding like the hogs at her house did when they ate.

She left and filled up his tea. When the woman returned, Squiggy was well into his second plate. "Here you go."

"Hang on," he said, his mouth so full of food that she could barely understand him. Squiggy handed her the plate. "Get me some more of that there dressing and a turkey leg, if you got one."

The woman sighed and left. She got rid of the empty paper plate and got a new one. The woman added a fair helping of dressing and a turkey leg. She brought the food back to the table and put the plate next to the man. "A big shot of sugar for my tea," Squiggy gurgled through his food.

"Anything else?" she asked. Squiggy shook his head. Mule handed her his plate. He tried to communicate, but his mouth was so full it was pure gibberish. "You want some more food?"

He nodded.

"What would you like?"

"Lots," Mule managed to say.

The woman left again. Conversation was kept at a minimum between the two men. Eating was a lot more important to them than talking.

"Good stuff, eh?" Squiggy said. He looked at Mule and watched his friend take a plate with a piece of pumpkin pie by his hands and shove the whole thing in his mouth.

Most people might be offended by Mule's actions. Not Squiggy. It was the same way he polished off a piece of pecan pie minutes before.

"Hurry up and finish so we's can go," Squiggy said.

"I ain't through yet," Mule argued. He had a big wad of cool whip on his nose.

"We's gonna hit the Baptists up after this."

"You don't reckon they'd care that we'd already eat?"

"Naw, they won't know if you'd get all that food off your face."

Mule got a napkin and wiped away. It pretty much smeared the food all over his face. Squiggy noticed there were several crumbs in Mule's beard.

"Saving them for later?" he asked.

"What?"

"Them crumbs in your beard."

"Naw, they'll fall out. Would you get a plate to take to Mommy?"

"Let her get her own friggin food."

"Please?"

Squiggy shook his head. He was starting to get a little indegestion from all the food. "We can get her some at the Baptist church."

Mule nodded. Hopefully she could wait while they ate again. He knew his mother had not ate a good meal in several days and wished she would stop spending all her food money on smokes.

Squiggy slowly opened his mouth and what sounded like a loud thunder clap burst out, a burp loud enough to be heard throughout the fellowship hall.

Mule scooted his chair a couple of feet away, hoping some people didn't think he was with Squiggy.

"That was rude!" said an old man several tables away. Judging from the fact that it didn't look like the man had taken a bath in several days, it didn't bother Squiggy.

"Yeah, I can smell you clear over here."

The little man started to get up. He put on his hat and muttered something about taking care of this. His wife had her face about two inches away from the food. Her arm looked like an assembly line, channeling the food into her mouth. She said something and her husband took his hat off and sat back down.

Mule's tummy was starting to rumble. "Uh oh."

"What's wrong now?" asked Squiggy, eating the last meat off the bone. He held the turkey leg out and rolled it around, wanting to make sure no meat was wasted.

"I's need to poot."

"So?"

"I don't want nobody to hear me poot in a church."

"Don't worry bout it. Probably be one of them silent ones. Dressing always gets me fired up.

Mule continued to have a pained look on his face. "I'm hurting, Squiggy!"

"Let her rip."

"Is it okay?"

"Won't bother me none," Squiggy said. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mule hike his unbroken leg, the one next to him. "I figger it'll be one of them silent ones."

Mule nodded and let go. Squiggy's prediction was far from the truth.

Chapter 14

Chapter 12

2005-11-30T03:54:00.000-08:00

Mule was in the hospital for a few days. It was a terrible time for him. He could watch all the television he wanted and got lots of food, although the taste wasn't all that great.

He did get a lot of attention from the nurses, who seemed strangely interested in giving him sponge baths. In fact, one day, two nurses got into an argument over whose turn it was. They almost came to blows before Mule offered to let both of them clean him.

But the lack of beer and going to the bar was hard on him. Plus, of course, he could not have relationships with any women. There was some good news for him. After examining the x-rays, a foreign doctor came in to see him.

He was a little guy looking much like the terrorists Mule had seen on television. So Mule was a little suspicious. He much preferred the white doctor who had originally taken care of him.

The doctor examined a chart for several minutes before announcing his prognosis. "The penis is not broken."

Mule had a little trouble understanding him. "Huh?"

Katherine the nurse was with the doctor and translated. "He said your penis wasn't broke."

"Hot dog!"

The doctor did examine the injury. After pulling back the sheet, he jumped back like a snake was fixing to strike him. "My word!"

"What'd he say?" Mule asked.

"Nothing," Katherine said.

The doctor was rather amazed. He had been a doctor for several years, so it took a lot to stun him. "We need to ice his penis to get the swelling down."

Mule understood him this time. "It ain't swelled none."

Katherine had to translate back for the doctor, who seemed unable to understand white hick.

She pulled out a camera. "Do you mind? We need to take pictures of the injury."

"I'd just as soon you didn't snap a pic of my goober."

It was too late. The flash had already gone off. She moved around the bed and snapped off a couple more.

"You ain't gonna show nobody them pictures now, is you?" Mule asked.

"Now, that wouldn't be too professional, would it?"

"Naw, I just don't wanna have people lookin at my tool on their home computers."

Katherine scooted out of the room. The door shut slowly and Mule saw three nurses waiting outside for her. Katherine started showing them something on the back of the camera. There were a couple of gasps and a giggle.

They did have to put a cast on Mule's leg which seemed to itch all the time. He was starting to get pretty sad one day when Squiggy showed up.

He was wearing a black ZZ-Top shirt with the sleeves cut off over a long john shirt. His pants had several holes and both knees were blown out. His dirty hat was cockeyed to the left. Squiggy had not shaved in several days and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Squiggy!" Mule said. It was hard to contain his excitement. He had a visitor who wasn't hospital staff and one who had no interest in seeing his thing.

"What's up, Mule?" Squiggy said. He had a big chaw in his jaw and pulled a couple of beers out of his pocket. He opened one and handed it to Mule.

"Beer!"

"Yep." Squiggy opened one for himself and hopped in the vacant bed next to Mule. He sprawled out, leaned over and spit on the floor. "Whatcha watchin?"

"Heck if I know. All the women seem kinda upset."

Squiggy grew rather alarmed as he discovered what his buddy was watching. "Mule! This is the friggin Lifetime Channel!"

"What's that?"

"Only women can watch this crap!"

"Oh, you can change it." Mule replied. He was getting rather tired of watching everybody crying, but didn't know how to change the channel.

Squiggy looked in the corner and saw some crutches. "We need to get outta here."

"Uh, okay. Figger anybody will care?"

"Naw, we can bring you back later."

"Cool! Where we goin?"

"Thought we'd ride around for a while and drink some beer."

"Man, that's a good idea! I wish I was as smart as you, Squiggy."

"Yep, so do a lotta people."

Squiggy spit on the floor again and hopped off the bed. He walked over to get the crutches and handed them to Mule.

"Get your butt up and let's go," Squiggy said.

"Can you help?"

"Crapfire, Mule! You crippled or something?"

"I reckon it's something like that. You figger I can get some more money for being disabled with a broke leg?"

"Can't hurt." Squiggy helped Mule out of the bed. "Where's your clothes?"

"They burned my shirt, said it stunk too much."

"That ain't right. Let's go."

"Ain't got nothin to wear. All I have is this here gown."

"That'll work."

Mule grabbed the crutches and started moving toward the door. Squiggy was behind him and saw the gown did not do a very good job of covering old Mule.

He laughed. Mule stopped and turned around.

"What's you laughin at, Squiggy?"

"I sees your buttcrack."

"Sorry. Won't everybody see it?"

"Don't matter. Everybody's got one. Just don't walk with your legs spread out or they'll see your Johnson."

"What's a 'Johnson'?"

As they exited the hospital room, Squiggy told him.

"Hee hee!" Mule laughed. "Ain't ever heard nobody call my thing a 'Johnson'!"

Two nurses looked at Mule with a look of puzzlement. They didn't know he was supposed to be up and around. It had to be okay or the patient wouldn't be heading down the hall.

"You figger I better tell somebody I'm leaving."

"Naw, it's a free country."

"You're right, Squiggy. "

They blew the joint and rode around until the pain got too much for Mule. Squiggy brought him back to the hospital and dropped him off at the emergency room. Needless to say, the doctor and nurses weren't all that pleased that Mule had gone out riding around drinking.

He was released a week later and told to stay off his feet. Squiggy came and got him, dropped him off at his house and sped away. Mule's mother was on the front porch, petting a cat and drinking a beer.

"Where you been, boy?" she asked.

"In the doctor place," Mule said as he crutched up to the porch. Squiggy had gotten some clothes from the Salvation Army so Mule didn't have to wear the hospital gown. The clothes were about three sizes too small, especially in the pants.

"You break your leg?"

"Yep, that's why they put this cast on."

"I was starting to wonder where you was." This made sense. After all, Mule had been in the hospital over a week. "You got any money?"

"Naw, Mommy, I'm busted."

"That sucks," she said, hawked up a big loogie and spit on one of the supports for the porch. They watched it slowly edge down toward the porch. "I needs some beer."

"So do I. Don't you got no money?"

"Just enough for my smokes."

"Crud. I's hungry, Mommy. We got any food?"

"Naw, I used the foodstamps for some beer last week."

They scraped by for several days with little food. The only beer they had was some confiscated from the Mexicans next door. Mule's mother waited until they all passed out in the yard and on their porch, then snuck over and grabbed every beer she could find.

Mule spent most of his time sitting out on the front porch, drinking the Mexican's beer with his mother. He wouldn't admit it to anybody, but did miss the Lifetime Channel. Some of those people lived worse than he did.

The days passed slowly. He was sitting on the porch one cold day when Squiggy pulled up in his truck.

"Ain't that the boy with the boner?" she asked.

"That's Squiggy!" Mule replied. He was so excited that he was almost tingling.

He walked up to the porch and noticed Mule was still wearing his Salvation Army clothes. His hair was scary, it was so messed up. Somebody had some serious body odor going on. Squiggy decided Mule's mother was probably in worse shape. She looked almost like a bloated dog tick sitting in the recliner with a blanket thrown over her.

"You got any beer?" she asked.

Now that was a stupid question, Squiggy thought. He always had beer. There was a case out in the truck. "Naw."

"Can you go get me some?"

"Mommy!" Mule protested. That just wasn't right.

"I ain't gettin you no beer," Squiggy said.

"Then get your scrawny butt off my property!"

Mule was appalled, not that he actually knew what that word meant. "Mommy! Squiggy's my friend!"

"Not much of a friend if he don't bring no beer."

Squiggy was growing a little tired of this woman. "Let's go, Mule!"

"Where we goin?"

"Didn't you know this is Thanksgiving?"

"It are?"

"Yep, we's gonna go eat!"

"But Squiggy, I ain't got no money!"

"Don't matter where we's goin."

Mule could hardly contain his excitement. He was going to get to eat something other than bread crumbs and Chef Boyardee that was hidden back behind the pots. It was out of date by a year, but Mule was too hungry to care.

"Bring me back a couple plates," Mule's mother said.

Squiggy wanted to tell the beast to get her own food, but it was a holiday and he was in too good of a mood.

Mule finally got up and scrambled down the steps, almost losing his balance. He would have fallen but Squiggy grabbed him.

"Thanks, Squiggy!"

"Yeah, whatever. Let's go eat!"

"We don't need to money?"

"Naw, they lets us eat free!"

"Is it good?"

"Three words, Mule. Church food!"

"What's church food?"

Squiggy shook his head. His new friend wasn't the sharpest nail in the wall stud. "All the church people cook homemade food and bring it for people to eat."

"Uh, Squiggy, I don't go to church."

"Don't matter. They think this will make us start coming to their church."

"Will it?"

"Yeah, whenever they have eating things."

Mule climbed up in the truck. Psycho was sitting in the middle, chewing on what looked like a deer leg. She growled and kept an eye on him, afraid he might go for her bone.

"Which church we eating at?" Mule asked.

"That ain't the right question, Mule."

"How come?"

"It's which church we ain't eating at."

"What do you mean?"

"Mule, I know of at least three churches havin meals. We's gonna hit em all."

"You so smart, Squiggy!"

"I amazing myself at times. Get a beer!"

"Thought you didn't have none. That's what you told Mommy."

"Like I wanted to share some with her."

Mule started to protest that wasn't the right way to treat his mother, but didn't want to put this day at risk. Squiggy took off and stopped less than two blocks from Mule's house. He parked in a handicapped spot.

"Hey, ain't this where the old people park?" Mule asked.

"Ain't you handicapped?"

"You mean cause I'm dumb?"

"Naw, cause your leg."

"Yeah, I am! Good thinkin, Squiggy."

Squiggy looked at Mule and smiled, looking like a little boy about to tear into his Christmas presents. "Let's eat!"

Chapter 13

Chapter 11

2005-11-29T03:35:00.000-08:00

Squiggy was not the type of man who liked people to question his intelligence. As far as he was concerned, his brain's capacity might not be as high as some others, but it wasn't something that needed to be pointed out.

That's what hacked him off after hitting a bump so hard that it sent Mule airborne in the back of the truck, high enough that his passenger was a good three feet up. This, of course, was not good considering Mule had a broken leg and a possible fracture of another key body part.

"Slow down, you fool!" Red hollered.

Squiggy threw on the brakes, a little too hard when he heard Mule's head slam into the truck bed.

"Ugh," Mule muttered. "That done hurt, Squiggy!"

"Sorry, Mule," Squiggy said. "Get yer freckly butt outta the truck, Red!"

She was left with her mouth open. "How come?"

"Ain't gonna let some chick call me an 'idiot'!"

"I didn't call youse an idiot."

"Yeah you did!"

"I called you a fool."

"Same difference. Get out, woman!"

Red was not really enjoying this ride in the back of a truck with the rain pouring down and the cold weather coming in, but she still had to protect her new man.

"Sorry, Squiggy," she said with great pain. "I gotta hold Mule."

"You ain't doing much of a job," Squiggy fired back.

"Just slow down, please. Can I still ride with Mule?"

Squiggy thought about it for a few seconds. His head looking through the open sliding glass window. "I guess, just don't be sayin I'm stupid. Promise?"

Red had to wipe the rain out of her face. Her hair was drenched and she was cold. "Okay."

Squiggy saw his dog in the corner, wet and shaking. "Poor Psycho!"

Red didn't really appreciate Squiggy being more worried about his dog than about her and Mule, but considered the source and let it go.

"C'mon here, girl!" he said. Pyscho got up and jumped through the window, barely squeezing through. He poured some beer in his hand and let her gulp it out. "At's a good girl!"

Red thought that was disgusting but held her mouth in check, a difficult act for her. She knew Squiggy wasn't going to put up with any more comments.

They took off again with Squiggy slowing down a little. He avoided the other potholes and shortly arrived on the highway.

Mule was hurting bad. The female EMT had given him a pain shot, one that not yet kicked in. He wondered if it had been a good idea to lie about not having alcohol. She had told him it wasn't a good idea to mix alcohol and pain medicine, but he was confident his system could handle it.

Some fifteen minutes later, they arrived at the front of the hospital. Squiggy pulled up the sidewalk and got out of the truck.

"Why didn't you go to the emergency entrance?" Red asked.

"Uh, heck if I know," Squiggy said. "Guess that might be where we should go. Where is it?"

"Read the sign," she said and pointed at the large one just to the left.

"That one there?"

"Yeah, the one that has an arrow and says 'Emergency Room'."

"Oh, I thought it said something else."

Red realized that Squiggy probably couldn't even read the words, but let it pass. She had pushed Squiggy too much tonight and didn't want to have to walk back to Langford, especially in the rain.

Squiggy fired the truck up again and tore around the parking lot, narrowly avoiding an old man using a walker.

"Get outta the way, you geezer!" he shouted out the window. The old man shook his fist at Squiggy and said something. Squiggy stopped the truck. "What'd you say old man?"

The old man starting backing up, not making good time with his walker. This man appeared to be quite angry. "Nothing."

"You better keep your mouth shut," Squiggy hollered as he eased away. "I'll hit you over the head with your walker."

This bothered Red, also, something she had discovered came in waves when around Squiggy. They finally pulled up in front of the emergency room. She jumped out of the truck and walked up to the door, expecting it to open. When the door stayed shut, she walked smack into the glass.

"Oof!" she said, causing Squiggy to giggle.

"Now that was funny, eh Mule?" he said.

Mule didn't answer. He didn't see Red slam into the door and was beyond caring. The pain medicine was kicking in and Mule was sinking into dreamland.

Red started pounding on the door. There was a nurse standing inside staring at them, wondering if now was a good time to call security. Some drenched woman was pounding at their door, looking rather insane. Finally, she hit the button that opened the door.

Red came storming in, rubbing the knot rising on her forehead. "We gots an emergency!"

"And that's why you came to the emergency room?" the nurse asked. She was a thin woman with a chin that jutted out far enough that it almost looked like the end of a pencil. Her blonde hair was put back in a ponytail. She was a little plump and tired. It had been a long night and the nurse was ready to leave.

"Yeah! Get out there and get him!"

"Get who?"

"Mule."

"You should take a mule to the vet. This is a hospital."

Red shook her head. "Naw, his name's 'Mule'. He's my new feller."

The nurse walked toward the door. "What's wrong with him?"

"Got a broke leg and weenie."

That caused the nurse to throw on the brakes. "He's got a broke what?"

"His tool's broke."

"You mean his penis?" the nurse asked, trying not to laugh. That was not something she had run across previously.

"Yeah."

Red escorted the nurse out to the truck. Mule was starting to sing an old George Strait song. Squiggy was standing next to the truck, humming along with the tune. At least until he saw the nurse. Her bosoms were rather pronounced in the outfit.

"Holy cow!" Squiggy said. "Mule, look at that rack!"

Mule tried to raise up. Everything was getting a little blurry. "I can't see them!"

"They's big."

The nurse heard the last comment and was not pleased. Yes, she was blessed with large bosoms and did not care for the way guys were attracted to them. She ignored Squiggy and looked in the back of the truck.

"How come you made him ride in the back of the truck?" she asked. The poor man needed proper transportation, not in the back of a truck.

"Couldn't afford an ambulance," Red said.

The nurse nodded, wondering how they could afford a trip to the emergency room if the man couldn't pay for a trip in the ambulance.

"Let me see the injury," she said, looking at the injured man. He had a towel over his midsection. Red climbed in the back of the truck and removed the towel. The nurse had to jump back. That couldn't be real. She squinted her eyes. Now that could just about make her reconsider her decision to be with women. "Is that thing real?"

"Yeah, it is!" Red said proudly.

"Boy, he's got a big one."

Red and the nurse stared at Mule for a lot longer than Squiggy thought was necessary. "Stop staring at his tool and get him some help."

"Oh, okay," the nurse replied. "Let me, uh, go get somebody to, uh help."

Squiggy fell in beside her. "I'm Squiggy."

The nurse nodded. She could care less about him. Her thoughts were filled with what she had just seen. Good thing she had a camera phone.

"What's your name?" Squiggy asked. He had a thing for nurses, one that had never been satisfied.

"Uh, Katherine."

"Nice to meet you, Katherine. Want a beer?"

She cast him a dirty look, one that failed to bother him. "No, I don't want a beer. I'm working."

"That never stops me."

That was not a surprise. He followed her into the emergency room. She called for some help and got a bed. An orderly fell in beside her, a young man who was also questioning his sexual preference. This should be good, she thought.

Squiggy eyed the young man with scorn. Something was amiss with this guy. He was almost pretty. A little guy with his hair cut in some fancy design that bothered Squiggy.

"Where you going after work?" Squiggy said.

"I don't have plans," the orderly said.

"Not you, the chick."

"I'll probably go home to bed," Katherine the nurse said.

That sounded like a good idea to Squiggy. "Want some company?"

"I have some company waiting at home."

"Lucky feller." The little orderly giggled. "What's so funny?"

"It's not a guy," he said.

Squiggy almost dropped his beer. "You mean you like chicks?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

A devious smile magically jumped on Squiggy's face, "How come?"

"Cause of guys like you."

That hurt Squiggy. A frown quickly replaced his smile. He had never even met her before and was being blamed for her lesbianism. At least he still had his beer. Plus, maybe he could give old Red a shot. They arrived back at his truck and the orderly was busy getting the bed ready when he happened to glance at the injured man.

"Wow!" he said. The orderly had dreamed of guys like this and here one was.

"Calm down, Christopher," Katherine said.

"But...look!"

She did look again, pausing the rescue of Mule. Katherine licked her lips, something that Squiggy noticed.

"I thought you liked chicks?" he asked.

The nurse shook her head and went back to helping Mule.

"You like women?" asked Red, who was not all that discriminating on who she shared a bed with.

"Uh, yes."

Squiggy had enough of this. They needed to get Mule loaded up so he could leave. Big Uns might be getting lonely enough that she wouldn't run him off.

"Red, put that towel back over Mule so they'll get back to helping him," Squiggy said.

Red followed his instructions. She could see the disappointment on the medical staff. That prompted Katherine and the orderly to get Mule on the gurney and move him inside the hospital. He was still singing, now a Garth Brooks song about friends in low places.

"He's a good singer," the orderly commented. "I like his voice."

"That ain't all you like about him," Squiggy said. Was it that obvious, the orderly wondered? Oh well.

"We need to get him checked in," Katherine said. She moved him near the check-in desk. A portly woman with fluffy hair was filing her fake nails and didn't seem all that thrilled about having to do her job.

She fired up the computer and started to process Mule.

"What's your name?" she asked, in a husky voice that seemed to bounce off the walls.

"It's Mule," Squiggy said.

"His name's 'Mule'?"

"Yep."

"What's his real name?"

"Beats me."

"Sir, can you hear me?" Mule nodded. "What's your name?"

"Mule," he said.

"No, your real name. What is it?"

Mule shrugged and went back to singing.

"Can I see your license?" she asked.

"Ain't got one," Mule said.

"We need some kind of identification, sir."

Mule pulled out his wallet and handed over his identification card. The receptionist filled out the information.

"Sir, can I see your insurance card?" she asked.

"Ain't got one," he said and started humming.

"How do you plan on paying for your visit?"

"I'll let the state take care of it. I get aid."

The receptionist sighed. Another one of them! "Who will sign as the responsible party?"

Mule looked at Squiggy. "What does that mean?" Squiggy asked.

"It means that if the state doesn't pay, you will."

"Heck if I know. Better ask Red."

Mule looked hurt. "Your truck ran me over."

Squiggy nodded. He did feel this was partly his fault. "Okay, put me down."

"Good," the receptionist said. She needed to get them out of here so she could get back to filing her nails and surfing the net. "What's your name, sir?"

"It's, uh, Brent Musberger."

Mule thought someething wasn't right here, but kept his mouth shut.

"Mister Musberger, do you have some identification?"

Squiggy was trying to look through the window at the nurse again. When she turned just a little, he got a good look down her shirt.

"Mister Musberger!"

Squiggy failed to respond, which made sense as it was not his name.

"Squiggy," Mule said, causing his new friend to look at the receptionist.

"Do you have some identification?" she asked.

Uh oh, this wasn't good, Squiggy thought. "I, uh, lost it at the accident."

The receptionist nodded and went to make a copy of some papers.

"I didn't know your name was Brent Musburger," Mule said.

"It ain't," Squiggy said. He pulled out his tobacco and loaded up a big chew.

"Who's Brent Mustardburger?"

"A football announcer."

"You mean you lied?"

"Yeah, for the most part."

Mule smiled and started humming again. Squiggy noticed that several nurses were standing around Katherine, who had her hands spread apart like she was describing some big fish. A couple of the nurses tried to sneak a look at the new patient.

"I wonder how I'll pee," Mule said.

"Probably with your feller there," Squiggy advised. How else could a man urinate?

"Naw, I mean if they puts a cast on my member?"

"Beats me. They better order some more plaster."

The receptionist finished up the paper work and told them they could proceed. Katherine took Mule into a room, followed by at least five other nurses.

Mule had a sad look on his face, one that was much different than the way the nurses looked. "Bye, Squiggy."

"Catch you later, buddy."

Chapter 12

Chapter 10

2005-11-28T03:21:00.000-08:00

Mule closed his eyes just before impact. He had never been run over before and wasn't exactly looking forward to the first time.

Squiggy's attention was divided. He realized the truck was heading to his new friend, but also hoped the deer didn't get too far away before his rifle was retrieved out of the runaway truck.

Red rushed forward, flailing her arms wildly. "No!" The dang truck was heading toward her man, specifically his mid-section.

There was one large thump followed by two smaller ones. The first big thump was the front tire running over Mule's prone body. The tire straightened him out and ran over him just below his belly. After the first one, Mule flipped over on his side, not a really smart move but not one he had a lot of time to think about, so the next tire came over both legs.

"Ugh!" he said. It had indeed been a rough night for old Mule. Red gives him a hickey, that his mother would not like, then he made whoopie with her, got caught up in a barbwire fence, fell off the fence on top of Barbie, now he got ran over by Squiggy's truck.

Squiggy's truck hit a small pine tree, stopping its progress just before getting to a big steep ditch.

"Oh no!" Red said, still running forward with one hand covering her mouth. This can't be happening. She still had plans for old Mule and now he might be dead, or seriously injured.

Squiggy started running also, right past the hurting Mule. "My truck!"

Red arrived next to Mule and squatted down. As Red did this, it struck her that she needed to empty her bladder.

"Just a sec, sweety," she said, stook back up and waddled over behind a tree, still moving like an old bullrider.

Mule watched her leave. "Where you goin, Red?"

She squatted down next to the tree. Her rear in plain sight. "Gotta pee!"

"Oh! Squiggy!"

"Just a sec!" Squiggy said. He was examining his truck. Luckily, it appeared the brush guard on the front had saved his truck from damage. Did do a number on the tree, though, snapped it right in half. He looked in the bed and made sure Psycho was okay. She leaned up and licked Squiggy's face.

Squiggy turned the ignition off and got a couple of beers. He popped the top on one and walked back to where Mule was lying on the ground, moaning loudly.

"Here's a beer!" Squiggy said. Mule was holding what looked like his privates and didn't seem all that interested in the beer. "Hey, you okay?"

"I's hurting, Squiggy," Mule said and moaned again.

Squiggy looked around. He saw what Red was doing. "Lookie there! You can see her cheeks!"

In the distance, a flashing light was coming toward them. Squiggy started to get worried that it might be a highway patrolman heading his way. As the car got closer, he realized there wasn't anything to worry about.

The police car skidded to a stop close enough that it threw some gravel on Mule and Squiggy. The door opened and Chief Arnold stepped out.

"Glad I caught you, boys!" he said. "You didn't leave me any beer."

"Way to go, Porky!" Squiggy said. "You threw gravel all over me!"

"Sorry. What happened here?"

It was indeed a strange sight. Mule appeared to be in great pain and Squiggy's truck had smashed into a tree. He looked around and also saw Red off doing her business.

"Hey, Red's taking a leak!" he said. "Whoo, boy, I see her cheeks!"

"Stop looking at my butt!" Red said. This just wasn't right. A woman couldn't even relieve herself in the ditch without men gawking at her. She finished up, grabbed a hand full of leaves and dried everything off.

"Hee hee!" the chief said. He looked down at Mule. "Dang, are them tire tracks on Mule?"

Squiggy looked at Mule and realized that there was a tire track, plainly evident on his leg.

"Now, that's cool!" Squiggy said. "Mule got runned over."

"You okay?" Red said. She came over and kneeled down beside Mule.

"Ugh," he said and rolled over on his back, still holding his privates. "I think I broke my goober!"

"No!" Red said.

Squiggy and the chief looked at each other. They both tried to stiffle a laugh. That wasn't something that happens all that often.

"You broke your tool?" the chief said.

Mule nodded. "Leg, too!"

"I better call for help," the chief said.

"You mean the cops?" Squiggy said.

"Naw, the ambulance."

"Yeah!" Red said.

"Naw, don't do that," Squiggy said. He had a deep fear that would bring the real law. Squiggy had his fair share of DUI's and wasn't wanting any more. "Shouldn't you be off arresting the Mexicans?"

"Naw, they's still in the bar. Don't worry, I won't let the hipos bust you."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, call them ambalance dudes. Maybe they can give him something for the pain." He realized there was something in his hand that would also help. "Here's you a beer, Mule."

Mule shook his head.

"Crapfire, he don't wanna beer," Squiggy said. "He must really be a hurtin."

"Must be," Chief Arnold said. "I'd kinda like that there beer."

"So would I," said Red, rubbing Mule's hair and messing it up even worse.

"Go gets your own," Squiggy said. He finished up the first beer and threw the can in the ditch. "I'll drink it."

The chief went off in search of a beer. As he got near the truck, Psycho went crazy, scaring the chief so badly his bladder also let go.

"Dadgum dog scared me so bad I peed myself again!" he said, taking a wide lane around the crazed puppy. Chief Arnold got a beer and walked back to the others.

"Where's my beer?" Red said.

The chief popped the top and took a big gulp. "In the truck."

"That wasn't very considerate," she said and lowered Mule's head to the ground. The chief got on his radio and called for an ambulance.

Red went and got her a beer then returned to her man. She got down on the ground, staring at Mule's injured area.

"I didn't think you could break a weenie," she said.

Mule nodded his head.

"I bet that hurt," the chief said. "I remember the last time the old lady kicked me in the cods. I was laid up for dern near a week."

"You figger they'll have to put it in a cast?" Squiggy said.

"Now, that'd be something!" the chief said, in between laughs. "I ain't signing it!"

"I ain't, neither," Squiggy said.

"I would," Red said. She was a little more concerned than the others. This could put Mule on the disabled list for way too long.

The ambulance must have been pretty close. They could see the lights approaching fast.

"Help's here, honey," Red said.

"Good," Mule said. He tried to turn his neck and got a bolt of pain. "Ugh."

The two EMT's jumped out of the ambulance, got their bags and walked up to Mule. It was a man and woman, wearing white shirts and black pants. The man looked like he was wearing some of his supper on his shirt.

"We were eating," the man said.

"We can see that," Squiggy said. "Chili dog?"

"Yep."

"Thought that was a chili stain on your shirt."

The woman was all business. "What seems to be the problem?"

"We think he broke his member," Red said.

The male EMT giggled. "Really?"

"Not funny," Mule managed to say. "I'z hurt."

The female EMT started examining him. "Looks like a broke leg. Ain't that a bone sticking out his leg?"

The others gathered closer. The male EMT got out a flashlight and put the beam on Mule's leg. There was some white showing up through the skin.

"Ooh, I'm gonna get sick!" he said and ran toward the ditch where Red had just relieved herself.

"He's new," the female EMT said, shaking her head.

"That's a little gross," the chief said.

"Can I touch it?" Squiggy said. "Ain't never touched a bone sticking through the skin fore."

"No!" Mule said.

"Best not," the female EMT said.

"Shouldn't you check out his thing?" Red said.

"Yeah. We'll have to cut his pants away."

"Good!" Red said, with way too much gusto.

"Hey, Bucky," the female EMT hollered at her helper, who had finally stopped dry heaving. "Go get me a rag outta the truck."

"Whadda ya need a rag for?" Squiggy said.

"It's to cover his penis. Don't want anybody driving by to see it."

"Better make it a towel," Chief Arnold said.

"Yeah, a big one," Squiggy said.

"I doubt that is necessary," she said, removed the clothes and gasped. "Oh my!"

Mule's member did seem to have a bend to it.

"Never seen one swell up like that," she said.

"Ain't swollen," Red said, eyeing the injured body part.

The female EMT seemed to be in a trance. They didn't prepare her for this at EMT school. "That's a big one!"

Chief Arnold was so stricken that he started backing up. He had heard rumors about Mule, but actually seeing it in person was too much. The chief tripped over one of the bags and fell back, hitting his head on the road.

The thud was almost as loud as when Squiggy's truck hit the tree. The chief was momentarily awake, seeing stars, then he passed out.

"You figger he's okay?" Squiggy said. "Go check him out, Bucky."

Bucky the male EMT walked past Mule and had to stop in his tracks. "What the crap is that?"

"That's his thing," Red said.

Bucky was also in a trance that took several seconds to snap out of. "I thought he was white?"

"He is," Squiggy said. "Kind of a freak of nature."

"I ain't no freak," Mule said.

Squiggy looks at the female EMT and says, "Sorry. Can you give him something for the pain? I might need a little shot, also. Back's kinda hurting."

"Were you in the wreck, sir?" the female EMT said.

"Naw, I hurt it fightin the cop."

"What were you fighting the policeman over?"

"You don't wanna know."

"Do you really need an examination?"

"Naw, just gimme some pain stuff. I kinda like them."

"No go," she said. "We better load him up and take him to the emergency room."

Mule started shaking his head.

"What's wrong, Mule?" Squiggy said.

"I can't afford no ambalance," he said.

"Don't worry, sir, I'm sure your insurance will cover most of it."

"Ain't got no insurance," he said.

"But sir, it's not that expensive."

"It was the last time Mommy got hauled off for overdosing on beer."

The female EMT thought about that. She remembered that case. Not a pretty scene.

"Sir, you need to get to the hospital quickly," she said.

"I can take him," Squiggy said.

Mule thought about that for a second. It was a better idea.

"Yeah, we can throw him in the back of the truck."

"His leg needs to be immoblized," she said. "It needs to have something on it to be stablizied."

"The thing, too," Red said.

"Do what you gotta do and we'll haul him," Squiggy said. The first rain drop fell, followed by several others.

"But it's starting to rain," she said.

"Good, it'll wash all that blood off."

Chief Arnold was still zonked. "We're going to need to transport the police officer also," the male EMT said.

The female EMT left and returned with an air cast to stablize the leg. She applied the cast and placed a towel over Mule's midsection.

"Aw, why'd you do that?" Red said.

The question was ignored. The EMT went back and got the dolly and rolled it beside Mule. "Help me put him on this."

"Get after it, Red," Squiggy said.

"Ain't you gonna help?" she said.

"Back's hurting and the chick won't gimme no meds."

The rain started falling heavier.

The two women strained to get Mule up.

"Boy, he's a big one," the female EMT said.

"You can say that again," Red said. The two women giggled.

Squiggy pitched in to help put Mule on the dolly. They pushed him over to the front of the truck.

"He ain't gonna fit," Red said.

"Put him in the back," Squiggy said.

"Can't I ride up front?" Mule said.

"Naw, might start bleeding again," Squiggy said.

"Sir, you need to lie down."

"Oh, okay."

"I'll lie down next to you," Red said.

"That ain't necessary."

They put him in the back of the truck. Psycho came over and started licking at Mule's face. Red sat down next to him. A gust of wind came along and scattered some of the trash and moved the towel off of Mule.

"Ain't you gonna cover him up?" Squiggy said.

Red looked disappointed. "Figger it'll just keep blowing off."

"Liar, you just wanna look at him."

"Please be careful andd drive slow," the EMT said as she walked back to help Bucky with the police chief.

Squiggy cranked up the engine and the CD player. He tore backwards in reverse and almost did a 360, nearly causing Mule to roll over.

"Slow down, you idiot!" Red said.

"Please!" Mule said. He could barely see the ambulance and decided this wasn't all that smart of a move.

Squiggy took off slowly but had the truck going almost seventy before they got back into town. It was a little bouncy, but fine until he hit a big pothole in front of the Dollar Store.

Chapter 11