Chapter 2

Squiggy recovered quickly from Red's rejection. He was never that good at remembering names, especially when it came to women he didn't much like. But it had never stopped him from picking up a woman.

He turned to see who was coming in the front door of The Last Call, holding out hope that it was some chick from out of town who would not turn him down simply from a reputation that Squiggy thought was not accurate.

It wasn't a woman coming through the door. Instead, it was some big lug, so tall he had to stoop a little while coming through the door. The man looked like he had not combed or washed his hair in a few days, a trait he shared with many other drinkers at The Last Call. The guy's hair sort of went everywhere, for no particular rhyme or reason.

The man wore a button-up flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off, revealing a pair of massive arms. Squiggy saw he wore a pair of camo jeans, cut off just above the knees. The newcomer wasn't all that different from anybody else, until Squiggy noticed the man's filthy feet. He had on a pair of leather sandals that were too small, letting the grotesquely long toes curl over the edges.

"Ugh," Squiggy said, and shook his head. That was something he could have done without seeing.

Red the waitress was coming back with his beer. She didn't look any happier now than she was earlier. She slammed the beer down on the table and stared at Squiggy.

"Pay for your beer, idiot," she said.

"I figured you'd get this one," Squiggy said.

"You figgered wrong."

"Put her on my tab."

"You ain't got no tab. The boss man said not to let you charge no more beer."

"How come?" Squiggy was appalled. He had always been able to charge beer when the money ran low. This was an outrage! He might just have to go drink somewhere else!

"Cause you owe over two hundred dollars already."

"Well heck, what's a couple dollars more?"

"Can't do it, Squiggy. You gotta pay and..."

Red was interrupted by a really large woman showing more cleavage than a person should physically be allowed to show. The woman had a pair of monster melons, some of the biggest ones Squiggy had ever seen. The big-breasted woman started whispering with Red and looking at the man who just walked into the bar.

Squiggy took advantage of the distraction to down half the new beer in one chug. Red didn't seem to care anymore. She actually walked away without collecting any money.

"Cool," Squiggy said. He looked at the other woman standing next to his table, one he had never had the pleasure of meeting. "How's it going, Big Uns?"

"Excuse me?"

"I asked how you was doin."

"I heard that," she said, and threw her hands on her ample hips. "What'd you call me?"

Squiggy was afraid he had just climbed into a hornet's nest.

"Nothing."

"Liar! What'd you call me?

"Uh, Big Uns."

"That's what I thought you said. Why're you calling me that?"

As if it wasn't plain. "Cause of them." He pointed at her monster assets.

"Oh, tee hee," she laughed, seeming to like the name. Squiggy joined in with the laugh. This woman had potential.

"Why don't you park it right here?" he said, pulling back a stool.

"Can do," she said and started climbing up on the stool. During the process, she practically stuck her ample behind in his face. Squiggy wasn't sure, but thought he caught the odor of slightly soiled drawers.

"Whoo!" he said.

"What's wrong?" she asked, wondering why he had the pained look on his face.

"Nothing. Why's Red getting so excited about the doofus?"

Big Uns looked back at the door, smiled, and seemed to lick her lips. "That's old Mule."

"Who?"

"Mule."

"How come they call him that?"

She smiled and continued to look at him. "He's blessed."

"You mean as in church stuff?"

"Something along those lines."

Squiggy failed to see anything impressive about the guy Red and Big Uns were excited about.

"Why don't you go get us some beer," he said.

"You want me to buy you a beer?"

"Sure, I'll get the next one."

"Okay," Big Uns said, and crawled down from the bar stool. Squiggy watched her walk off toward the bar, noticing her jeans were way too tight for the massive cheeks. He was pretty sure there was some serious hail damage going on with that rear.

Squiggy finished his beer and snorted loudly. A guy and a woman gawked at him. "What's your problem?"

"You're gross!" the woman said. She weighed a good 200 pounds on a five-foot frame. She had more chins than a Chinese phone book. Despite the weight, she appeared to be lacking breasts. The man wasn't in much better shape. He was a skinny little runt without a chin and brown hair in serious need of an oil change.

"Yeah, like you got room to talk," Squiggy said.

"Herman!" the portly woman said. "Did you hear what he said?"

Herman grunted, refusing to get involved.

"You spineless turd!"

Herman took a drink of beer and looked away.

"Smart move there, no chin," Squiggy said.

He let them continue to bicker and turned to see Mule walking toward him, trailed by Red. Squiggy noticed several other women seemed to be very interested in Mule, who was not all that good looking.

Mule sat down at the next table. Squiggy stared at those huge toes and noticed the toenails needed a good cutting. Apparently Mule had not seen any need to cut them for quite some time.

Big Uns got back to the table and sat next to Squiggy, in the chair closest to Mule.

"Hi, Mule!" she said, beaming.

"Hello!" answered Mule, in a deep voice that seemed to bounce off the walls.

Mule had two beers delivered to his table before anybody else could say anything. He grabbed the first one and went after it.

"Thanks for the beer," he said, looking at Big Uns.

Squiggy failed to appreciate the gesture. He did like her buying him beer, but didn't see any reason for her to buy beer for other guys in the bar.

"No problem!" Big Uns said.

Squiggy started to complain, then realized he could use this to get more beer out of Big Uns. Mule put his foot up in a bar stool next to Squiggy. That was more than he could handle.

"Crap fire, you gonad!" Squiggy said, looking at the toes with a fair amount of disgust. "Move them smelly feet, you homo!"

Mule turned slowly to look at Squiggy, who noticed he had just questioned the sexuality of a much bigger man.

"I ain't no queer," Mule said, real slow. "Hairy guy butts never did nothing for me."

Squiggy started to fire back a response, but caught himself. That almost sounded like something he would say.

"What about you?" Mule asked.

"What about me?" Squiggy said.

"You a fudgepacker?"

"In your dreams, toeboy! I oughta open a can of whipbutt and pour it all over you."

"Not now," Mule said. "I'm gonna drink some beer."

Squiggy was not about to let it go. "I got a tattoo on each butt cheek! On the left one it says 'exit' and the right one says 'only'."

Mule slurped down another beer, which was quickly replaced by another one by Red. He looked around the bar and saw some woman in the corner waving at him. Mule smiled at her and the woman almost melted.

"You really got that on your butt?" Mule said.

"Naw, I just thought it was cool to say."

Mule nodded.

"Why don't you join us?" Big Uns said.

Squiggy snarled. That wasn't cool. Big Uns needed to devote her attention to him, not the big lug.

Mule stood up and moved over to a chair across from Squiggy. "You mind?"

Squiggy just glared at him.

"Go ahead," he finally said. "How come they call you 'Mule'?"

"You want me to show you," he said, and stood up.

Chapter 3