Chapter 5

It was simply an act so disgusting that it even bothered Squiggy, a man not known for having a weak stomach.

Mule's mother was perched in the recliner with the foot stand kicked up. She wore what looked like a sheet for clothing along with house slippers that were so worn two toes were poking out. Her hair was going everywhere. The jowls were hanging down and her cheeks rolled with every snore.

Squiggy was about to make a comment about her when the woman jerked awake and hacked so loud people two blocks away could hear it. It was a deep rumbling noise at first that continued to build. The noise was so bad that it actually hurt eardrums of the three people standing in front of her.

She wasn't through, though. After the hack, she snorted up a good one and tossed it in the general direction of Squiggy, landing only inches from his fancy boots.

"Hey, you about loogied me!" Squiggy said, then wished he had never said anything after seeing her look.

"You're trespassing you little white trash," she said, eyeing him from his head to his feet.

"That ain't nice," Squiggy said. He looked at Mule for help. Mule was looking down the street at a group of Mexican guys drinking beer and listening to that irritating thump-thump music.

"Say there, shorty, you happy to see me or something?"

"Uh, not really, why you ask?"

"Looks like you got a little pup tent growing in your britches."

Mule and Big Uns had to check this out. Squiggy leaned over, not that it seemed to help much.

"It's, uh, the way my pants look," he said.

"Naw, it ain't," she said. "You got yourself a chub goin on. Not much of one, but you're still going wooden."

Squiggy wanted to climb under a rock. He was seldom embarrassed, but Mule's mother had driven a nail in him. He willed his thing to go away, but it seemed to have a mind of its own, like it had that time Squiggy tried Viagra just for kicks and sported an erection for a good six hours.

He was not the type of man who needed pills to get stimulated.

"Yeah, but at least I ain't sleeping on the porch!" Squiggy said.

"You ain't got no room to talk there, Squiggy," Big Uns said.

"Why's that?" the mother of Mule asked.

"He lives in a storm cellar."

"That right? With all the spiders and bugs?"

"I like it," Squiggy said. "Plus it's safe in case there's a twister."

Mule's mother nodded. That was a benefit she didn't get from sleeping on the porch.

"Why you sporting a woody, boy?" she asked.

"It's her fault," Squiggy said, pointing at Big Uns.

"Why's that?" Big Uns asked.

Squiggy turned to state his case. "Big Uns kept plopping that big hooter on my arm."

"And that made you hard?" Mule's mother asked.

"Yeah! Those babies are huge!"

The mother turned her attention to Big Uns. "They's some big udders. They real?"

"Heck yeah! I've always had some big ones."

"Hmm," she said. "I betcha dollar they sag pretty bad."

"Do what?" Big Uns asked.

"I said those babies probably sag pretty bad."

Big Uns started to fire back, but was saddened by the comment about her breasts. Yes, they sag, but when you're sporting two volleyballs, there isn't much that can be done.

"Your name really 'Big Uns'?" she asked.

"No, it's Shaybelle."

"You're kidding!"

"No, what's wrong with my name?"

"That ain't a proper name for a white woman."

Squiggy had about enough of this. He didn't want to meet this old hag and here she had told everybody about his movement and now insulted Big Uns enough that she was going to be sad the rest of the night.

"What's your name, old woman?" Squiggy asked.

"Mary."

"Yeah, like that's a...uh, never mind. We's going, Mule. You're momma's a wench!"

"Wait!" Mule pleaded. "Dadgummit, Mommy, I finally get a friend and you run em off. That ain't right! Just cause nobody likes you don't mean I can't have friends."

"But...I'm sorry, Mule."

"You call your son 'Mule'?" Squiggy asked.

"Heck yes."

"You know why he got that name?"

"I should," Mary said. "I give it to him. My boy has a fine power tool. You seen it?"

Squiggy nodded. Big Uns clammed up.

"You wanna see it, Big Uns?"

Big Uns stopped whimpering. She nodded her head up and down with added emphasis.

"You done seen it," Squiggy said.

"So! It ain't like it's gonna hurt anything."

"Mule, show her your manhood," his mother said.

"I ain't gonna do it," Mule said.

"Attaboy!" Squiggy said.

"How come?" his mother and Big Uns said in unison.

"You made me sad," Mule said.

"Yeah, you was mean to us," Squiggy said. "Let's go!"

"Aw, don't leave," Mary said. "I won't say nothing else about your little package or her saggy boobs."

"You promise?" Mule said.

"My word! Y'all got any beer? Throats a little dry."

"We got a lotta beer," Mule said.

"Yeah, go get us some beer, Big Uns," Squiggy said.

She nodded, still saddened over the breast insult and not getting to see Mule's appendage. Big Uns started walking off with her head down, taking small steps.

"Boy howdy, that's a big butt!" Mary said. "The fabric in them jeans must be pretty strong."

"Mommy, you promised to be nice," Mule said.

"Oh...sorry. Can't hardly help myself at times." She turned to look at Squiggy. "You planning on hitting that tonight?"

"Huh?" Squiggy said.

"I asked if you was gonna hit that tonight?"

"Who, Big Uns?"

"Yeah. She's gonna have a helping of Squiggy tonight."

"Poor girl," Mary said.

"Mule!" Squiggy said. "I ain't gonna stay here no longer if your momma's gonna be a wench!"

Mule started to say something, but was interrupted by his mother shouting out several obscenities in rapid fire, like somebody was shooting a gun.

"Whoa, what's up with that?" Squiggy asked.

"She does that at times," Mule said.

They heard a scream out by the truck and turned in that direction. Big Uns was dancing around with something big attached to her wrist.

"What the crap?" Mule said.

"It's my puppy!" Squiggy shouted and started running toward the truck. The dog had hold of Big Uns' arm and did not seem willing to let go.

Big Uns continued to scream. "Help me!" she hollered. "I'm dog bit!"

Squiggy raced up and grabbed the puppy. "Crapfire!, Let go, girl!"

The puppy released its hold on Big Uns' arm as it settled into Squiggy's arms.

"What're you doing to my dog?" Squiggy hollered. "You coulda hurt her!"

Big Uns was appalled. She was examining her arm for wounds. "I just reached it to get some beer and that mutt attacked me!"

"Don't be calling my dog a mutt!" Squiggy said. "That just ain't right."

"It ain't right that you allow that dog to bite people!" Big Uns said.

"Aw, she's a good girl. She must of thought you was trying to steal my beer."

"You got your dog trained to guard your beer?" Mule asked.

"Yep."

"That's a good trait for a dog, specially a puppy."

"I'm leaving," Big Uns said and started walking away. She stopped a few feet away from the truck, turned around and returned for a couple of beers.

"I ain't gonna have sex with you if you leave," Squiggy said.

Big Uns was not fazed by his argument. While walking away, she shot him the bird and continued walking down the road. Two houses down, several Mexicans started hooting and hollering at her.

"Shut up!" she hollered, "or I'll come over there and kick your butt back to Mexico."

"Dang," Squiggy said. "I don't guess we's gonna get to mate tonight."

"Naw, that stinks," Mule agreed.

"At least we got beer."

"Yeah!"

"I still got two hours before I'm going to work," Squiggy said.

"Ain't you gonna be drunk?"

"I hope so."

"I'll join you," Mule said. "I'm glad you're my friend, Squiggy."

Mule started to put his arm around Squiggy, but was rebuffed.

"Yeah, that's great but I don't like guys touching me," Squiggy said.

Mule pulled back and thought about this for a few seconds. "I heard that happens a lot with guys when they's trying to keep their inner homo bottled up."

"What?"

"Nothing, let's drink."

As they turned to go back to the house, they heard what sounded like a cannon firing.

"Uh oh," Mule said as he and Squiggy dove into a ditch full of cold water. He looked up and couldn't believe his eyes.

Chapter 6