Chapter 30
Mule was highly impressed. His good buddy had caused a stir with a hollywood movie star. Not everybody can claim that.
"How'd you kinder get into a fight with him?" asked Mule, sitting on the edge of his seat.
"Well, that Cruise feller and his big buddies started coming at me but I sicced Psycho on him," Squiggy said.
"You don't say!"
"Yep, actually I just did. So I got Psycho trained the right way. She went right for the gusty. Got the Cruise dude by the nuggets and applied enough pressure to cause his face to turn blue without actually rupturing a testicular."
"Psycho got him by the nads?"
"Sure did."
"What happened then?"
"Well, his buddies started coming after me, of course. But every step they got closer, Psycho clamped down a little harder. Ever got bit by a dog in the sack?"
"Just twice," Mule said. He shivered, remembering the way it felt.
"Hurts, don't it?"
"Darn straight."
Squiggy took a swig. He was feeling little pain at the moment, unlike Mr. Cruise with a crazed pit bull attacking his goodies. "So eventually they back off and I get Psycho off Cruise's balls. He was about to cry by then."
"Can't blame him."
"Naw, I wouldn't want Psycho clamped on my privates."
"Me needer. What happened then?"
"We all got back to our seats and started eating. I couldn't hardly get no service after that. Had to threaten the little waiter feller that I was gonna sic Psycho on him to get my food."
"That just ain't right," Mule said.
"Yep, they should have waited on me, by gosh!"
"Naw, I meant it weren't right you threatenin the waiter feller with a dog bite to get your grub."
"Whatever. You wanna hear the rest of the story or nag me."
"I ain't naggin you, Squigs. I always figgered you had to be a chick to nag."
"Naw, it just helps. They's better at it. Comes kinder natural, I reckon."
"I never thought of it that way."
"Don't surprise me none," Squiggy said.
Mule downed a beer. His head was not functioning correctly either. He wanted to hear the rest of the story, but was also ready for bed. He just hoped his mother would sleep somewhere else tonight other than his bed. She snored way too loud and always tried to spoon him.
"Finish yer story, please," Mule requested.
"Okay! So I got to talkin to the Cruise dude and he started talking to me about being his religion. Sounded pretty good and all but I had to turn him down."
"How come?"
"Had to be a scientist to get in. I kinder flunked science in school."
"I made a bee."
"Bullsnot!"
"I did! In fourth grade."
"That the last science class you took?"
"Naw, I took more, just can't remember any."
"Why do you member that one?"
"That was the only class I ever passed."
"Bummer. Did you ever have that teacher who got fired for banging the students?"
"Missus Slother?"
"Yeah, that's her name."
"Oh yeah, I nailed her."
"You boinked a teacher?"
"Course, all us guys did. She was fun but I still didn't pass her class."
Squiggy was frowning. This just wasn't right.
"She was fun, eh?" Mule asked.
"Heck if I know," Squiggy said. "I wasn't going to have sex with a teacher. That just wouldn't be right!"
"Wouldn't let you, huh?"
"No."
The two men were ready to call it a night. It had been a long day and night, filled with too much alcohol and not enough food. Their eyes were getting heavy and they soon nooded off into the night.
Neither one had bothered to check the weather and were thus unaware of the massive winter storm blowing into the state, one that was bringing with it record temperatures along with ice and snow that was predicted to blanket southeastern Oklahoma with at least a foot of the white stuff.
Thus, it was not a good night to pass out in a truck.
Chapter 31
"How'd you kinder get into a fight with him?" asked Mule, sitting on the edge of his seat.
"Well, that Cruise feller and his big buddies started coming at me but I sicced Psycho on him," Squiggy said.
"You don't say!"
"Yep, actually I just did. So I got Psycho trained the right way. She went right for the gusty. Got the Cruise dude by the nuggets and applied enough pressure to cause his face to turn blue without actually rupturing a testicular."
"Psycho got him by the nads?"
"Sure did."
"What happened then?"
"Well, his buddies started coming after me, of course. But every step they got closer, Psycho clamped down a little harder. Ever got bit by a dog in the sack?"
"Just twice," Mule said. He shivered, remembering the way it felt.
"Hurts, don't it?"
"Darn straight."
Squiggy took a swig. He was feeling little pain at the moment, unlike Mr. Cruise with a crazed pit bull attacking his goodies. "So eventually they back off and I get Psycho off Cruise's balls. He was about to cry by then."
"Can't blame him."
"Naw, I wouldn't want Psycho clamped on my privates."
"Me needer. What happened then?"
"We all got back to our seats and started eating. I couldn't hardly get no service after that. Had to threaten the little waiter feller that I was gonna sic Psycho on him to get my food."
"That just ain't right," Mule said.
"Yep, they should have waited on me, by gosh!"
"Naw, I meant it weren't right you threatenin the waiter feller with a dog bite to get your grub."
"Whatever. You wanna hear the rest of the story or nag me."
"I ain't naggin you, Squigs. I always figgered you had to be a chick to nag."
"Naw, it just helps. They's better at it. Comes kinder natural, I reckon."
"I never thought of it that way."
"Don't surprise me none," Squiggy said.
Mule downed a beer. His head was not functioning correctly either. He wanted to hear the rest of the story, but was also ready for bed. He just hoped his mother would sleep somewhere else tonight other than his bed. She snored way too loud and always tried to spoon him.
"Finish yer story, please," Mule requested.
"Okay! So I got to talkin to the Cruise dude and he started talking to me about being his religion. Sounded pretty good and all but I had to turn him down."
"How come?"
"Had to be a scientist to get in. I kinder flunked science in school."
"I made a bee."
"Bullsnot!"
"I did! In fourth grade."
"That the last science class you took?"
"Naw, I took more, just can't remember any."
"Why do you member that one?"
"That was the only class I ever passed."
"Bummer. Did you ever have that teacher who got fired for banging the students?"
"Missus Slother?"
"Yeah, that's her name."
"Oh yeah, I nailed her."
"You boinked a teacher?"
"Course, all us guys did. She was fun but I still didn't pass her class."
Squiggy was frowning. This just wasn't right.
"She was fun, eh?" Mule asked.
"Heck if I know," Squiggy said. "I wasn't going to have sex with a teacher. That just wouldn't be right!"
"Wouldn't let you, huh?"
"No."
The two men were ready to call it a night. It had been a long day and night, filled with too much alcohol and not enough food. Their eyes were getting heavy and they soon nooded off into the night.
Neither one had bothered to check the weather and were thus unaware of the massive winter storm blowing into the state, one that was bringing with it record temperatures along with ice and snow that was predicted to blanket southeastern Oklahoma with at least a foot of the white stuff.
Thus, it was not a good night to pass out in a truck.
posted by Craig Hall at 4:37 AM
2 Comments:
You little devil you-a snow storm approaching and Squiggy and Mule are unaware? This is like the Perils of Pauline and you had to wait till the next weekend to find out how she was saved, give her plenty of time to get into another life threatening situation, and then waiiiiiiiiit for her to be saved the next weekend. It finally dawned on me that was sort of dumb to always be in life threatening situations, but nobody asked me.
I do think Squiggy and Mule had better intentions than Pauline and probably aren't as mentally acute, but then again, maybe they are. However, their predicaments tend to lead to more laugher as the author strains to find another escapade. I heard about that suspicious place in Roland just this November and wouldn't you know - it was a car full of churchy women. So pretending to be a preacher was pretty keen on Squiggy's part. I can see where Mule, challenged as he is by the unit and lack of brains, would be a load for the old Squister to carry by his lonesome. But, he's a doer.
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