Chapter 12

Mule was in the hospital for a few days. It was a terrible time for him. He could watch all the television he wanted and got lots of food, although the taste wasn't all that great.

He did get a lot of attention from the nurses, who seemed strangely interested in giving him sponge baths. In fact, one day, two nurses got into an argument over whose turn it was. They almost came to blows before Mule offered to let both of them clean him.

But the lack of beer and going to the bar was hard on him. Plus, of course, he could not have relationships with any women. There was some good news for him. After examining the x-rays, a foreign doctor came in to see him.

He was a little guy looking much like the terrorists Mule had seen on television. So Mule was a little suspicious. He much preferred the white doctor who had originally taken care of him.

The doctor examined a chart for several minutes before announcing his prognosis. "The penis is not broken."

Mule had a little trouble understanding him. "Huh?"

Katherine the nurse was with the doctor and translated. "He said your penis wasn't broke."

"Hot dog!"

The doctor did examine the injury. After pulling back the sheet, he jumped back like a snake was fixing to strike him. "My word!"

"What'd he say?" Mule asked.

"Nothing," Katherine said.

The doctor was rather amazed. He had been a doctor for several years, so it took a lot to stun him. "We need to ice his penis to get the swelling down."

Mule understood him this time. "It ain't swelled none."

Katherine had to translate back for the doctor, who seemed unable to understand white hick.

She pulled out a camera. "Do you mind? We need to take pictures of the injury."

"I'd just as soon you didn't snap a pic of my goober."

It was too late. The flash had already gone off. She moved around the bed and snapped off a couple more.

"You ain't gonna show nobody them pictures now, is you?" Mule asked.

"Now, that wouldn't be too professional, would it?"

"Naw, I just don't wanna have people lookin at my tool on their home computers."

Katherine scooted out of the room. The door shut slowly and Mule saw three nurses waiting outside for her. Katherine started showing them something on the back of the camera. There were a couple of gasps and a giggle.

They did have to put a cast on Mule's leg which seemed to itch all the time. He was starting to get pretty sad one day when Squiggy showed up.

He was wearing a black ZZ-Top shirt with the sleeves cut off over a long john shirt. His pants had several holes and both knees were blown out. His dirty hat was cockeyed to the left. Squiggy had not shaved in several days and his eyes were bloodshot.

"Squiggy!" Mule said. It was hard to contain his excitement. He had a visitor who wasn't hospital staff and one who had no interest in seeing his thing.

"What's up, Mule?" Squiggy said. He had a big chaw in his jaw and pulled a couple of beers out of his pocket. He opened one and handed it to Mule.

"Beer!"

"Yep." Squiggy opened one for himself and hopped in the vacant bed next to Mule. He sprawled out, leaned over and spit on the floor. "Whatcha watchin?"

"Heck if I know. All the women seem kinda upset."

Squiggy grew rather alarmed as he discovered what his buddy was watching. "Mule! This is the friggin Lifetime Channel!"

"What's that?"

"Only women can watch this crap!"

"Oh, you can change it." Mule replied. He was getting rather tired of watching everybody crying, but didn't know how to change the channel.

Squiggy looked in the corner and saw some crutches. "We need to get outta here."

"Uh, okay. Figger anybody will care?"

"Naw, we can bring you back later."

"Cool! Where we goin?"

"Thought we'd ride around for a while and drink some beer."

"Man, that's a good idea! I wish I was as smart as you, Squiggy."

"Yep, so do a lotta people."

Squiggy spit on the floor again and hopped off the bed. He walked over to get the crutches and handed them to Mule.

"Get your butt up and let's go," Squiggy said.

"Can you help?"

"Crapfire, Mule! You crippled or something?"

"I reckon it's something like that. You figger I can get some more money for being disabled with a broke leg?"

"Can't hurt." Squiggy helped Mule out of the bed. "Where's your clothes?"

"They burned my shirt, said it stunk too much."

"That ain't right. Let's go."

"Ain't got nothin to wear. All I have is this here gown."

"That'll work."

Mule grabbed the crutches and started moving toward the door. Squiggy was behind him and saw the gown did not do a very good job of covering old Mule.

He laughed. Mule stopped and turned around.

"What's you laughin at, Squiggy?"

"I sees your buttcrack."

"Sorry. Won't everybody see it?"

"Don't matter. Everybody's got one. Just don't walk with your legs spread out or they'll see your Johnson."

"What's a 'Johnson'?"

As they exited the hospital room, Squiggy told him.

"Hee hee!" Mule laughed. "Ain't ever heard nobody call my thing a 'Johnson'!"

Two nurses looked at Mule with a look of puzzlement. They didn't know he was supposed to be up and around. It had to be okay or the patient wouldn't be heading down the hall.

"You figger I better tell somebody I'm leaving."

"Naw, it's a free country."

"You're right, Squiggy. "

They blew the joint and rode around until the pain got too much for Mule. Squiggy brought him back to the hospital and dropped him off at the emergency room. Needless to say, the doctor and nurses weren't all that pleased that Mule had gone out riding around drinking.

He was released a week later and told to stay off his feet. Squiggy came and got him, dropped him off at his house and sped away. Mule's mother was on the front porch, petting a cat and drinking a beer.

"Where you been, boy?" she asked.

"In the doctor place," Mule said as he crutched up to the porch. Squiggy had gotten some clothes from the Salvation Army so Mule didn't have to wear the hospital gown. The clothes were about three sizes too small, especially in the pants.

"You break your leg?"

"Yep, that's why they put this cast on."

"I was starting to wonder where you was." This made sense. After all, Mule had been in the hospital over a week. "You got any money?"

"Naw, Mommy, I'm busted."

"That sucks," she said, hawked up a big loogie and spit on one of the supports for the porch. They watched it slowly edge down toward the porch. "I needs some beer."

"So do I. Don't you got no money?"

"Just enough for my smokes."

"Crud. I's hungry, Mommy. We got any food?"

"Naw, I used the foodstamps for some beer last week."

They scraped by for several days with little food. The only beer they had was some confiscated from the Mexicans next door. Mule's mother waited until they all passed out in the yard and on their porch, then snuck over and grabbed every beer she could find.

Mule spent most of his time sitting out on the front porch, drinking the Mexican's beer with his mother. He wouldn't admit it to anybody, but did miss the Lifetime Channel. Some of those people lived worse than he did.

The days passed slowly. He was sitting on the porch one cold day when Squiggy pulled up in his truck.

"Ain't that the boy with the boner?" she asked.

"That's Squiggy!" Mule replied. He was so excited that he was almost tingling.

He walked up to the porch and noticed Mule was still wearing his Salvation Army clothes. His hair was scary, it was so messed up. Somebody had some serious body odor going on. Squiggy decided Mule's mother was probably in worse shape. She looked almost like a bloated dog tick sitting in the recliner with a blanket thrown over her.

"You got any beer?" she asked.

Now that was a stupid question, Squiggy thought. He always had beer. There was a case out in the truck. "Naw."

"Can you go get me some?"

"Mommy!" Mule protested. That just wasn't right.

"I ain't gettin you no beer," Squiggy said.

"Then get your scrawny butt off my property!"

Mule was appalled, not that he actually knew what that word meant. "Mommy! Squiggy's my friend!"

"Not much of a friend if he don't bring no beer."

Squiggy was growing a little tired of this woman. "Let's go, Mule!"

"Where we goin?"

"Didn't you know this is Thanksgiving?"

"It are?"

"Yep, we's gonna go eat!"

"But Squiggy, I ain't got no money!"

"Don't matter where we's goin."

Mule could hardly contain his excitement. He was going to get to eat something other than bread crumbs and Chef Boyardee that was hidden back behind the pots. It was out of date by a year, but Mule was too hungry to care.

"Bring me back a couple plates," Mule's mother said.

Squiggy wanted to tell the beast to get her own food, but it was a holiday and he was in too good of a mood.

Mule finally got up and scrambled down the steps, almost losing his balance. He would have fallen but Squiggy grabbed him.

"Thanks, Squiggy!"

"Yeah, whatever. Let's go eat!"

"We don't need to money?"

"Naw, they lets us eat free!"

"Is it good?"

"Three words, Mule. Church food!"

"What's church food?"

Squiggy shook his head. His new friend wasn't the sharpest nail in the wall stud. "All the church people cook homemade food and bring it for people to eat."

"Uh, Squiggy, I don't go to church."

"Don't matter. They think this will make us start coming to their church."

"Will it?"

"Yeah, whenever they have eating things."

Mule climbed up in the truck. Psycho was sitting in the middle, chewing on what looked like a deer leg. She growled and kept an eye on him, afraid he might go for her bone.

"Which church we eating at?" Mule asked.

"That ain't the right question, Mule."

"How come?"

"It's which church we ain't eating at."

"What do you mean?"

"Mule, I know of at least three churches havin meals. We's gonna hit em all."

"You so smart, Squiggy!"

"I amazing myself at times. Get a beer!"

"Thought you didn't have none. That's what you told Mommy."

"Like I wanted to share some with her."

Mule started to protest that wasn't the right way to treat his mother, but didn't want to put this day at risk. Squiggy took off and stopped less than two blocks from Mule's house. He parked in a handicapped spot.

"Hey, ain't this where the old people park?" Mule asked.

"Ain't you handicapped?"

"You mean cause I'm dumb?"

"Naw, cause your leg."

"Yeah, I am! Good thinkin, Squiggy."

Squiggy looked at Mule and smiled, looking like a little boy about to tear into his Christmas presents. "Let's eat!"

Chapter 13