Chapter 9

The two men could see the imminent disaster heading their way.

Moving with a speed that neither man knew they possessed, they darted out of the way of Mule as he descended down to the ground from his perch atop the fence.

Squiggy was the first to notice. "No!"

Chief Arnold tripped and fell down on the gravel. He looked back and saw his mistake. He had left her behind.

Mule crashed to the ground, face first, right on the blow-up doll, causing her to rip apart in several places.

"Ugh!" Mule said.

Squiggy was beside himself. "Porky, you idiot! You left the dadgum chick on the ground and Mule smashed it!"

"Aw, crap!" the police chief said. His mouth was wide open. This was terrible. He planned so much for Barbie and now, she was ruined. "Way to go, Mule!"

Mule was scraping gravel out of his face. Along with the other cuts, now it looked like his nose was splattered all over his face. Crimson blood was oozing out of his nose.

"Ain't my fault," Mule managed to say. He was hurting bad. "The balloon chick didn't save me."

"What do you expect, you idiot?" the chief said.

Squiggy was not happy. "It's your fault, Porky. I oughta kick your butt again."

"You didn't kick my butt when we got it on earlier."

"Get up!"

"I ain't gonna fight no more," the chief said. "I'm about to have a heart attack."

"Good," Squiggy said. "I was just messing with you earlier. This time, I was gonna whop you a good one."

Red was leaning against the fence. She was growing worried about Mule. He had not moved much and had landed on his front. That might have damaged his tool, she worried.

"You okay, Mule?" she said.

"Ugh," Mule said. He tried to move off the blow-up doll, but didn't have much luck. "Boy, she's ugly."

"Easy for you to stay," Chief Arnold said. "Judging from what you been hittin tonight, I didn't think that was something you worried about."

"Whatta you mean by that?" Red asked.

"Uh, nothing."

"You saying I'm ugly?"

"I seen better."

Red slammed her hands on the fence. "Boy, you better be glad I can't strike an officer of the law as it would violate my probation or I'd kick your fat butt all over Langford."

"Calm down, Red," Squiggy said. "We better do something for old Mule. He's gonna bleed out. Red, you got any of them femine protection products?"

"You mean like a Tampon?"

"Yeah, whatever. You got one."

"Why you asking, Squiggy?" She really didn't see how that was any of his business.

"Figgered we might need to stick one up old Mule's nose to stop the bleeding."

"Ain't gonna stick no Tampon in my nose," Mule said. He got up on his knees and looked down at the deflated figure underneath him. "Sorry, Barbie."

Squiggy came over to examine her. "Boy, you popped her a good one."

"Sorry, Squiggy."

"Ain't your problem, boy. You gonna live?"

"I think so. I needs a beer."

"So do I," Squiggy said. "Red, go gets us some beer."

"No, go get your own," she said. "Do I look like your slave?"

"Naw, but you're a chick."

"So?"

"Do what I say, woman, or you're gonna be walking again."

Mule stood up. His legs were a little shaky. "Red, go gets us some beer."

"Okay, Mule," she said.

"How come you do what he says but not me?" Squiggy said.

"Hee hee," she laughed while walking off.

"Boys, this is a tragedy," Chief Arnold said as he continued to stare at Barbie. It almost looked like his eyes were misting over.

"She looks kinder sad all deflated and all," Mule said.

"I'm sad and deflated, too!" the chief said. "Man, I had big dreams for her!"

"Figger duct tape would fix her?" Mule said.

"I ain't gonna so some chick with duct tape all over her," Squiggy said. They looked at the chief.

"It might work!" he said.

"Give her a try," Squiggy said. "That chick's mouth is grossing me out."

Mule looked down at Barbie. It wasn't all that attractive. "You'd have to lube her up pretty good."

"Yep. Let's blow this joint," Squiggy said. "Did Red say that earlier?"

Mule smiled. "Naw, just a buncha dirty stuff."

"Really?" the chief perked up. "What'd she say?"

"I ain't the type to kiss and tell."

"You kissed her? Ooh!"

"Heck no. We just got down to bidness."

"You like got a big suck spot on your neck," Squiggy said. "I can see it even through the blood."

"Dang, Mommy's gonna be hacked."

"She'll get over it," Chief Arnold said. "It ain't like she's never had a hickey."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Your momma used to have her share of boys, son."

Mule looked deflated now, even worse than Barbie. "You mean Mommy's a slut?"

"Probably not no more. Take a pretty desperate man to wanna nail that."

"That's true," Squiggy said. "Let's get this stuff loaded up before the law shows up."

The police chief thought about that for a second. "I'm the law round here."

"Oh yeah," Squiggy said. "I forgot."

Squiggy, Mule and Red moved the truck around back to load up all the goodies. Chief Arnold stood looking down at Barbie for several minutes. Such a shame, he thought. He decided it was time to go but didn't want to walk around carrying the deflated blow-up doll. The solution, he decided, was to throw her over the fence next to his police car.

The chief picked her up, walked to the fence and tossed her. It was not a very good throw. Barbie got hung on the same barbwire that had earlier trapped Mule.

"Oh my gosh!" he said and turned around for help. The boys and Red were hauling the confiscated items to the truck. "I need some help!"

Squiggy walked around the corner of the shed. "What's wrong, Porky?"

"Barbie's hung on the fence." He pointed to where she was dangling atop the fence.

Squiggy thought this was hilarious and made sure Mule and Red got to see it.

"That ain't something you see ever day," Red said.

"Now she's really gonna be ripped," Mule said.

"What're we gonna do?" the chief said.

"Let her die in peace," Squiggy said. He disappeared into the shed for the last box of his magazines. They had loaded up all the alcohol and Red helped herself to some of the city's Christmas decorations.

They got in the truck and drove around the fence. Squiggy made sure to peel out and leave his mark as he drove around the building and pulled out on the highway, leaving Chief Arnold standing in the repo lot, staring at Barbie dangling from atop the fence.

Squiggy honked and waved, then took off down the road. He cranked his stereo loud enough to wake half the town. They all popped a top on a beer and drove out of town toward Squiggy's cellar.

As they were leaving the city limits, Squiggy detected what sounded like a fart.

"Hey, nobody farts in my truck but me!" he said.

"Sorry," Red said. "I quiffed."

"You what?"

"I quiffed."

"What the crap is a quiff?" Squiggy said.

"It's when a woman farts with her booger," Mule said.

Red nodded.

"Now that's pretty disgusting," Squiggy said. "I thought it was how old men wear their hair."

Just as they left town, something darted out from the woods and the truck crashed into it, causing a loud thumping sound.

"You you quiff again, Red?" Squiggy said as he stopped the truck.

"Not me!"

"I think you hit something," Mule said.

They got out of the truck and walked around. Red was the first to see it. "You hit a deer!"

"Where is it?" Squiggy said.

"Right there," Red said, pointing at a large object in the road.

"Cool!" Mule said as they walked over to inspect it in the headlights. The deer was a young buck with small spike antlers. It appeared to be quite dead.

"Load him up, Mule," Squiggy said.

"All right!" Mule leaned down to pick the deer up.

"What're you gonna do with it?" Red said.

"You that dumb?" Squiggy said. "We's gonna eat it."

"Ooh! That's gross!"

"Naw, it ain't. Deer's good eatin."

Mule whipped out a lock-blade fold-up pocket knife about as long as his hand to start the gutting when they saw headlights far up the road, coming toward them. He picked up the deer walked toward the truck.

As they were walking, Psycho booger barked and both Squiggy and Mule caught movement on the other side of the road, a blur of brown, which made both of their heads snap that direction in unison, like a couple of cats watching a moth. Red kept walking, never breaking stride.

"What the ...", Squiggy barked, the hair on his neck standing on end. "Dunno", replied a wide-eyed Mule. A putrid odor filled the air.

They stared for a minute looking for more movement, then dismissed it as nothing as they turned their attention back to the deer.

"Hurry, put it up front with us," Squiggy said.

"How come?" Red said. That didn't seem like a very good idea.

Squiggy retorted "Crapfire woman! Don't wanna put him in the back. Psycho might eat it."

"Yeah, we got plenty of room up front, but it won't fit behind the seat" Mule said. "You probably need to ride in the back."

"With the dog and all that trash?"

"Yep," Squiggy said. "Psycho won't bite you. She does like to hump ever now and then though."

Red thought it over. Riding in the back with the dog wasn't really what she wanted to do, but it still beat riding up front with the two boys and the deer. She climbed in the back of the truck. Red didn't see how anybody could put that much trash in the back of a truck. There were beer bottles and cans along with food wrappers from several different fast food joints.

"This is gross," she said. Psycho was staring at her midsection, her tongue hanging out and drool dripping.

Red sat down on a flat tire and kept a close eye on the pit bull puppy. She had heard too many stories about pit bulls mauling people and didn't want to be the next one.

"You just stay over there," she said.

Squiggy stuck his head out the window. "Just let her hump a little bit then you'll be lifelong buddies."

As if on cue, Psycho cut a path through the trash and came up next to Red. She starting going to town on Red's left leg. Red started to protest, then realized it could have been worse.

Squiggy giggled and jumped back in the truck. He started the engine up in one crank and peeled out again. They made it roughly a quarter of a mile before the two men heard something that sounded like a snort.

"You reckon that was Red?" Squiggy said.

"Dunno," Mule said. He turned around and looked through the rear window. Psycho was still a humping away. "Red does look like she's enjoying getting humped."

They heard the noise again. This time, there was no doubt that it came from up front.

"What the crap was that?" Squiggy said.

Mule looked down and thought he saw movement in the floorboard. "Squiggy, you better pull over."

"How come?" The words were barely out of his mouth when he figured out what was wrong. The dead deer was coming back to life and wasn't all that happy. The young buck shook its head once, scattering slobber over a good part of the truck. Squiggy skid to a stop, causing Red's head to snap back.

"You buttmunch!" she said. "I hit my head on the winder!"

That was the least of Squiggy's concern. He was trying to pull the truck over as the buck realized he didn't like this situation. The first one to get attacked was Mule, who got kicked hard on the knee. The buck used his little horns to gore Squiggy's leg.

"Crapfire!" he said. "That hurt."

Mule was holding his knee and kicking back at the deer with his other leg, just making the deer even madder. Squiggy tried to get out the door, forgetting to put the truck into park. He got out one side, leaving Mule fighting the deer inside the truck. It wasn't a pretty scene. Every time Mule tried to escape, the deer kicked him hard.

"Help me, Squiggy!" Mule said. "This here deer's kickin my butt!"

Red looked through the window and saw the deer attacking her new man. It was getting way to close to Mule's privates with those kicks. She noticed Squiggy had shut his door. Red jumped out of the truck and opened the driver's side door, sparing Mule a worse beating, as the deer tried to exit that door while Mule finally got his door open staggered out in front of the truck and fell out on the ground.

It was a rough night for old Mule, and fixing to get worse. As it scrambled out of the truck, the deer's hoof happened to step on the gas pedal, sending the truck forward with enough of a goose to bark the tires.

As Mule lay on the ground in the fetal position, he heard the engine rev and knew this wasn't good, even before looking up and seeing the tires of the truck headed right at him.

"Uh oh," he said, and closed his eyes.

"My truck!" Squiggy said, right before hearing a thump. "What was that?"

Red saw and was in shock.

"Oh no!" she screamed.

Chapter 10