Chapter 27

Squiggy sighed and pulled into a parking lot of a convenience store and turned around to face the road. He grabbed a beer and attacked it, gulping down most of it in one drink. His attention was focused in front of him as he leaned forward against the steering wheel.

"I bout flipped out after that deal with May," he said. "So I decided to head out for a spell."

"Where'd you go?" Mule asked.

"Hold yer horses, I's gettin to it."

"I ain't got no horse, Squiggy."

Squiggy turned to look at his friend with a frown on his face. "After I dumped you off that day, I had to cleanse my head."

"Did you drink a lotta beer?"

"Naw, that don't clean a person's head, ya goofus. I went home and packed up some clothes and threw em in the truck with Psycho. I just took off driving and didn't stop for a long time."

"Kinder like that Forrest Gump feller?"

"Naw, he was runnin. I was drivin."

"Good point."

"Thanks. Anyhow, I found out the farther I got from Langford, the better I felt. I didn't even wanna drink."

"Darn!"

"Naw, it's true," Squiggy said, and finished off his beer. "First night I made it all the way to Little Rock."

"Did you see it?"

"See what?"

"The little rock?"

"Naw, I asked these black fellers where the rock was, but they did some rap crap about "poppin a cap in my butt" back to me."

"So you didn't see the rock?"

"Naw, I missed the little rock. Musta been too small. Did see a lot of them black people though. One of em even served me breakfast at the Waffle House."

"Was she nice?"

"It was a he, sorta."

"Whatta ya mean?"

"I figger that black feller leaned more toward dudes than chicks."

Mule shook his head. "I'm glad I ain't no homo."

"So am I," Squiggy said. "You could really hurt a feller."

Mule nodded. "What happened after that?"

"We drove on east and hung around Memphis for a bit and then drove on in to Nashville."

"Ain't that where them redneck singers hang out?"

"Which ones?"

"The country and western ones."

"Beats the crap outta me," Squiggy replied. "I saw this one dude that looked like George Strait, but he was a little squirt. I've dropped nuggets bigger'n him."

"Were it George Strait?"

"Beats me. We was standing next to each other at the urnal, takin care of bidness. I said 'what's up, shorty?' He got rather hacked and left."

"Dang, Squiggy! You mighta took a leak next to some country singer!"

"Had a big bus out in the parking lot. Figgered he was staying in it."

"Gosh, that's too cool!" Mule said. "Did you see anybody else famous?"

"Just that Faith Hill chick."

"You saw Faith Hill?"

"Yep. Gettin gas at the store."

"Wow. What did you do?"

"Asked her if she wanted to go fer a ride."

"You didn't!"

"Yep, I did. She blamed being married and all. I think she was worried about fallin in love with me and havin to dump that Timmy McGraw dude."

"I'm sure that was it."

"Fer some reason, she did have a strange look on her face."

"It was probably the excitement."

"Naw," Squiggy said. "It was almost like she had an upset tummy or something stunk."

"I wished you'd have taken me, Squiggy."

"Sometimes a man's gotta be alone, Mule."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't get no privacy at home. Mommy's always following me into the bathroom."

"Uh, okay. After that I headed down to see the ocean."

Mule jerked upright. "You see the ocean?"

"Yep."

"Boy, I've always wanted to do that. What'd it look like?"

"Lotta water."

"Wow! Did you get in?"

Squiggy scowled at his friend. "Crap no! They got them sharks in the ocean. I ain't gonna let no fish take a bite out of the old Squigster. Plus the water was cold."

Mule was fascinated by the travels of his friend. This was better than most of the television shows he watched.

"I picked up some chick in Panama City," Squiggy said.

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"You know, poke her?"

"Naw, wouldn't let me."

"That sucks. What happened?"

"She needed a ride to that Disney deal. I tried to get frisky and she wouldn't let me so I dumped her on the side of the road."

"That wasn't real nice, Squiggy."

"Yeah, I almost felt bad about it later, specially cause of the storm and all."

"What'd you do then?"

"Drove all the way through Florida until I got to that Key West place, but I didn't find no key. Just a long road over water."

"Hold on, I gotta whiz." Mule stepped out of the truck and started urinating in the parking lot, facing the highway. Several cars stopped and almost caused a massive crash on the highway. A few others honked. Mule just waved at them and got back in the truck.

"You just about caused that semi to drive off the road," Squiggy said.

"Shoulda been lookin at the road and not my willy."

"Yep. Anyhow, I kinda liked that part of Florida. It was warm and most of the chicks didn't wear much clothes."

"Where'd you go after that?"

"I drove up the coast through Georgia, them Caroliner states and several other I can't member until I got to New York."

"You went to the big orange?"

"Naw, I went to New York City. Big place. Lots a rude people."

"You'd probably fit in well with em."

"Naw, they all talk funny. I went and seen the statute of the lady out in the bay and where them two towers were until the towelheads flew planes into them. That was sad. I almost cried until I saw some chick checking me out."

"Some woman wanted the Squigster?"

"Don't act so dern amazed, Mule. Lottsa women want me. Anyways, we started talking and were hitting things off pretty good. I thought it was too easy. She even asked me if I wanted to go get a room."

"What'd you say?"

"I says 'Heck yeah!' What do you think I'd say?"

"Was she pretty?"

"Naw, but she had big breasticles. We go in some rundown hotel and walk up the stairs to her room. I start gettin naked, but she's just a standing there. I ask her when she's gonna rip them clothes off and she told me that I had to pay her first."

"Why'd she want you to pay her?" Mule asked.

"Cause she was a dadgummed chargin' ho."

"What happened?"

"I told her that Squiggy didn't have to pay chicks to boink them. Chicks should pay me."

"What'd she say?"

"Uh, she kinder laughed."

"I don't see nuttin funny 'bout that."

"Neither did I. So I left the ho and saw some sights. I got a little bored and drove across the country."

"Where'd you go?"

"California."

"Really?"

"Yep. I saw the sights in Los Angeles."

"Hang on," Mule said. Something was bothering him. "How'd you pay fer all this?"

"I got some other dude's credit card put in my mailbox."

"And you used it?"

"Course. I was doing pretty good until I got to Vegas. I got turned down at the gas station. I only had twenty bucks on me so I went to one of them casinos and played the games."

"Did you do good?"

"Not at first. I got down to a dollar playin them slots and then hit. After that, I got up a couple hundred dollars and got bored of stickin coins in the machine. I saw they was havin a Texas Hold'em poker tournament and I decided to give it a shot."

"I didn't know you knew how to play poker," Mule said.

"Heck yeah, do it all the time at work on the computer. Anyhow, we got in this tournament and I started knocking people out left and right. Got down to the last table and I kept busting people bad. At the end, it was just me and some big feller. He had on some big bracelet and was kinder a dork. Every time we'd play, he'd put on these silly glasses made him look like he had lizzard eyes."

"Did you win?"

"Course. I could tell when the big feller was bluffing. His chin fat would jiggle a little on the right."

"Cool."

"Yep. I figgered we was just playin for braggin rights. But after I finished off the fat guy, I started walking away and some guy chased me down."

"What'd he want?"

"You'll never believe it."

Chapter 28