Chapter 29

Squiggy rustled in the sack to get another beer. He was rather lightheaded and knew it would be a good idea to stop, but good sense and Squiggy didn't always see eye to eye.

"I was gettin a little tired of Vegas," he continued. "All them bright lights were a botherin me and since they was bootin me outta my room, I decided to head on over to Los Angeles."

"Man, you shoulda taken me with you!"

"Couldn't, Mule. Had some thinkin to do."

"You couldn't think with me there?"

"Probably not. Don't do all that great with you here."

Mule nodded. This was such an exciting story. He only hoped to one day see a state other than Oklahoma and Arkansas. "What happened when you's got to Lost Angels?"

"It's Los Angeles, Mule," Squiggy replied, shaking his head. Mule could be such an idiot at times. "Well, the traffic was terrible. I thought it was bad here when a train was on the track, but it ain't nothing like it was there. People everywhere. Five lanes of cars all going like ninety miles an hour or sitting still."

"That's a lotta people."

"Yeah, it was. So I headed over to the fancy part of town and pulled into a hotel on some road with a bunch of Palm Trees lining the drive. I walked in and it was so nice I regretted spitting on the floor. Anywhos, I walked up to the dude at the desk and told him I wanted one of them free hotel rooms."

"Did he give you a good one?" Mule asked.

"Naw, kinder funny feller, he was. He told me they didn't have no free rooms. I told him he was full of dog poop, but I used a different word. That I had just been in Vegas and they'd give me a free room and I expected one in his hotel. 'This isn't Vegas', he said, real snooty like. He was wearing one of them dorky bowl ties and a vest so I leaned over the counter and grabbed him and told him to get me a free room."

"He deserved it, Squiggy!"

"I thought so. I never knew they had so many security dudes in one place. They swarmed me like flies after fresh cowpie."

"That ain't right," Mule declared.

"I sure didn't think so. They hustled me out the side door and told me to never come back."

"I ain't never gonna stay there! That'll show them!"

"Dang straight. Anyhow, I was a little hacked off at them. So I got em back."

"What'd you do?"

"I went next door to this frilly place and told em to let me use their crapper. I went in and took a dump on a paper towel. I wrapped it up so the lady behind the counter wouldn't gotta see my poop, you know, I figgered that might make her barf."

"Probably would," Mule agreed.

"So I snuck back over to the hotel and hid behind a fence next to the pool. When the coast was clear, I flung my dung in the dadgummed pool!"

Squiggy thought that was hilarious and laughed for several seconds, surprised that his friend didn't join in.

"Ain't you thinkin that's funny?" he asked.

"Not really," Mule said. "I think that there's a violation of some dang health code or something. Some little kid might've mistook it for a candy bar and took a bite outta yer turd."

"Uh, I didn't think of that. Okay, I won't laugh about it no more."

Mule nodded, still a little disgusted at the thought of Squiggy's fecal material floating around the swimming pool.

"You look like yer gonna yack," Squiggy said.

"Naw, lemme get a beer, I'll be fine."

"Wanna hear the rest of the story?"

"I guess...just as long as you don't crap in nobody else's pool."

"I didn't. After leaving that hotel, I drove around trying to find another one. Dadgummed Los Angeles hotels wouldn't gimme a free room unless I was a movie star."

"So what'd you do?"

"Found this one down near Hollywood and told him I was a movie star."

"They fell for it?"

"Heck yeah. He mistook me for some porn star dude."

Mule burst out laughing. "He thought you was a porno star?"

"Yeah, what's so durn funny?"

"You can't have no little dong and be a porn actor!"

"I ain't got a little dong!"

Mule stiffled his laughs. "What happened?"

"They gives me a free room, course. I stayed there for almost a week before they figgered out I wasn't some dude named Harry Wadd. I went on one of them tours where they takes you around to see the stars' houses. I made it halfway through it until they kicked me off for cussing these gooks who kept talkin funny."

"What else did you do?"

"Well, I went out to where they make them movies."

"That sounds cool! Did you see anybody?"

"Oh yeah, there were a lotta people there."

"Naw, I mean anybody famous."

"Sure. I saw that Jim Carrey guy walkin down the sidewalk with some hot chick."

"Wow! I always liked him...but not in a gay way."

Squiggy nodded. "I walked up to him and asked if he was Dumb or Dumber."

"I always wondered that myself."

"He looked a little concerned and started looking around for some reason. This chick looked like she had two basketballs stuffed down her shirt."

"Excellent!"

"I asked them if they wanted to hang out for a while, but they said they was too busy."

"That sucks."

"I kept roaming around, just me and Psycho. Lotta mean looking Mexicans and blacks in Los Angeles. I got lost and wound up in some fancy area. I was gettin hungry so I went in this restauraunt to eat. They wouldn't let Psycho in so I says that I'm blind and she's my seeing eye dog."

"Did they fall for it?"

"Yeah, they did. I let Psycho sit in a chair next to me, like she always likes to do. I was a reading the menu and the door person came over and asked how I was doing that if I was blind and all. I told him that I could see close up, but if it was more than a foot away, I couldn't see crap."

"Yer a smart guy, Squiggy," Mule said.

"Thanks. We got all situated and started drinking when these four guys came in. One of em looked a little familiar, little feller wearing shades. The other three dudes were bigger'n you. They sat down at a table next to me. I didn't expect no trouble until Psycho started a growlin at them after they got they's appetizer and didn't share any with her.

"She was a barkin and flippin slobber everwhere, like she always does when she's hacked off. The guy raised his glasses and told me to control my dog. I recognized him then. I says 'hey, ain't you that Missing Impossibility guy'?"

"Tom Cars was there?"

"I think his name's Cruise, like when you drive around. He ignored me and that hacked me off. I leaned back in my chair and asked him again. He nodded. I asked if they minded if I tried one of them appetizers. Before they could say no, I got one. It was some kind of uncooked fish that bout made me barf."

"What happened?"

"I coughed it up and threw it back on the plate with the others. That kinder hacked off one of the big boys and he stood up. The actor told him to sit down that he didn't wanna get involved in a fight in a restauraunt. I told him that was a good idea cause I'd kick his scrawny butt all over Californey."

Mule was sitting in the cab of the truck with his mouth wide open. "Gee!"

"Yeah! So I told him I thought some of his movies were pretty good, specially the ones where a lotta people croak and get shot. He thanked me for that. Then I told him some of em really sucked, like that one he did with his ex-wife, that tall chick with the funny talk."

"I saw that movie. She got naked. What kinder guy would make a movie with his wife getting naked?"

"Uh, nothing wrong with that, I don't reckon. But I'd just as soon as my chick wasn't flashing her goodies for the whole world to see. He was so mad that he was startin to shake. "I asked him which one of his wifes he enjoyed banging the most."

"What happened?"

"He stood up. That's when I asked him bout that cult he was in."

Mule giggled. "What did he say?"

"He didn't exactly answer the question. That Cruise feller was too busy climbing over the table coming at me."

"You got in a fight with a movie star?"

"Sort of."

Chapter 30