Chapter 33
Chief Arnold's protests fell on deaf ears. He didn't want Squiggy and Mule to leave without him, knowing how much trouble he could get in. The chief hollered loud enough to wake his daughter, a senior at Langford High School who drove the boys crazy wearing shorts barely long enough to cover her cheeks.
She heard the commotion and came out of her bedroom, wearing a tee-shirt that was cut way too low in the front for the chief. She was about to lose a boob. Chief Arnold watched his daughter walk to the door and open it.
When she waved and hollered, "hey Mule!" the chief about fainted. His daughter didn't need to have anything to do with these two guys, especially Mule.
Outside the small house, Squiggy and Mule were approaching the police car. Squiggy heard the holler and turned around, as did Mule.
"Hey!" Mule hollered back and waved.
"Man!" said Squiggy. "That can't be Porky's daughter! How'd you know her?"
"She likes to serve me my foot-long coney at the Sonic. She works there and is always saying stuff like how the bigger the coney is, the better it is. Don't really know what she means by that. I think they taste the same no matter how big they are."
"I go for the regular coney. Can't shove a big one in my mouth in one bite."
They climbed in the police car. Squiggy was behind the wheel with Mule in the passenger seat.
"Where we goin?" Mule asked.
"Just a riding round. Might make sure the town's safe."
"Good idear."
They drove through the deserted downtown and took advantage of the wide streets and lack of vehicles to do some serious donuts. One time, they spun so many times that Mule almost puked. His face was all white and his eyes were blurred.
After Squiggy had his fun downtown, they drove to the biggest convenience store in town and parked out front.
"What you gettin?" Mule asked.
"Need some beer, maybe some eats."
"You's gonna buy beer when we's in the cop car?"
"Yeah, less of a chance to get busted, eh?"
They got out of the car and walked into the store. Only one person was behind the counter, a tall boy with a shaggy hair cut. He was leaning against the counter, obviously wishing he could be home in bed.
Squiggy and Mule scoured the store. After making sure the boy was not paying attention, Squiggy shoved several items in his coat pocket.
"That's stealin!" Mule said. "We can't be cops if we's stealin stuff!"
"Why not?"
"Cause...heck, I don't know. Git me one of them Snickers!"
Squiggy added to his rapidly large pockets. He walked to the back and came back with two twelve packs of beer. "Hey, get us some of them breakfast burritos, boy."
"How many?" the pimply-faced boy asked, his voice creaking with every word. He turned around to make sure that these two men were actually driving the police car. They were.
"All you got."
The boy nodded. "How come you guys are drivin the cop car?"
"We's cops," Mule said.
"Yep, undercover ones."
"If you're undercover, how come you're driving a police car? Doesn't that blow your cover?"
Squiggy and Mule looked at each other. "Our other car's broke. This is just temporary. We trust you not to tell anybody."
The kid shrugged. Like he could care.
"Know anybody who needs to get busted?" Squiggy asked.
"My brother," the boy said. "He's been sneaking off and smoking pot."
"We'll keep an eye out for him. You got one of them discounts for cops?"
"Fraid not," the boy said as he put roughly twenty-four breakfast burritos in a sack and handed them to Mule. Squiggy paid for the beer and the burritos.
Mule and Squiggy walked to the car and got in. Squiggy revved up the engine and picked up the microphone. "Breaker, breaker, this is the Langford Police Department. We's back driving around."
It took several seconds. "Who is this?" demanded the operator at the emergency station.
"Occifer Squiggy."
"Who?"
"I'm Policeman Squiggy, dangit!"
"Uh, okay. No need to say breaker, breaker when you're calling us."
"Cool. Got anybody needin arrested?"
"Not...uh, right now. Where's Chief Arnold?"
"Laid up with back problems. We's fillin in for him."
The other side went silent. Squiggy could care less. He backed the car out of the parking lot and stopped near the road. Mule was looking in the sack.
"Breakfast burritos gimme gas," he said.
"Me too. Maybe we can have a fart off?"
"I dunno. I don't wanna soil my drawers. This is my last pair."
"Just don't poot out wet ones."
"Like I can control if my fart is wet or dry?"
"I can," Squiggy said. "Lookee! That truck's goin too fast!"
It was the first vehicle to drive past them. The truck was going at least five miles an hour in the dreadful weather conditions.
"Let's get him!"
Squiggy floored the accelerator, making them spin several times and almost wipe out the gas tanks before getting pointed in the right direction. He quickly caught up with the truck and turned his lights and siren on.
The truck pulled over to the side and stopped.
"Man, I wish we had a gun," Squiggy said.
"Probably better we don't," Mule said.
Squiggy walked up to the truck and pecked on the window. The man inside was a good seventy years old, dressed in a pair of Carhart coveralls. He was clean shaven and looked rather surprised to be stopped.
"Gimme yer license, old man," Squiggy said.
"What was I doin wrong?" the old man said.
"You know."
Mule had circled around to the other side of the truck and was using a flashlight to look inside the truck.
"Apparently I don't, or I wouldn't ask."
"Reckless drivin, fer starters," Squiggy said. "I saw you veer back there. Coulda caused a major traffic accident."
The man looked up and down the road. There wasn't a car visible in miles. "With what?"
"You never know." Squiggy tried to squint his eyes to read the old man's name. He couldn't make it out. "So...I think you better step outta the truck."
"How come? It's darn cold."
"Cause I said! Git yer wrinkly old butt outta the truck now for I arrest you for resisting arrest."
"I didn't realize you were arresting me."
"I ain't...yet."
"Then how could you be arresting me for resisting arrest if you weren't arresting me?"
Squiggy thought about that for a second. The old man was confusing him something bad. "Never mind, just get outta the truck."
The man stepped out of the truck and immediately slipped on the ice, falling hard on his backside. He watched from his position on the road as Squiggy looked inside the truck. "You got a search warrant?" He didn't try to get up, as he figured out that he would just end up back on his butt again.
"Don't need one," Squiggy said. "We's the law."
"That a fact, Barney Fife?"
"Dern straight." Mule and Squiggy had not found anything incriminating as of yet. It was bothering Squiggy. "Okay, old feller! Where is it?"
"Where's what?"
"You know what I's talkin bout! The crank, heroin and Mexicans you's a smugglin cross the river!"
The man laughed. "I don't have any Mexicans stashed in the truck. Don't have any drugs either. Too old for that crap."
Squiggy was getting too frustrated. Everybody had something illegal hidden in their vehicle, didn't they?
"Let him go," Mule said. "He ain't got nothin."
Squiggy shook his head. This wasn't right. His first stop and the guy was getting off! He glared at the man. "We's gonna give you a warnin. Don't let me catch you breakin no laws or I'll bust you." Squiggy held out his hand and jerked the old man up off the ice.
"You got a deal, Fife!" the man said and got back in his truck and eased off towards home at a zippy three or four miles per hour.
Squiggy and Mule got back in the police car and started patrolling again. They went back in the other direction and saw a car skid sideways as they got out on the road.
"Did you see that?" Squiggy hollered, hitting Mule on the arm. "That's bad driving right there, it is!"
"Dern straight!" Mule agreed as he popped a beer and handed one to Mule. "Hey, that's a chick!"
The smile slowly formed on Squiggy's face as he turned to look at his friend. "I know!"
They pulled the car over in front of the grocery store. "Stay here," Squiggy said.
"How come?" Mule asked. "I figgered you was gonna get her to show a boob to get off the ticket."
"Hee hee!" Squiggy escaped out the door and walked up to the car. The window was already down. The woman inside was bundled up like an Eskimo, but fairly attractive! Plus, she was a blonde!
"What did I do wrong...say, you ain't no cop!" the woman said.
"Wrong," Squiggy said.
"Show me your badge!"
"Fergot it at home."
"I'm callin my husband!"
"Uh, no need to do that now," Squiggy said. "Tell you what. Show me your hooters and I'll let you off."
"Excuse me? You want me to show you my breasts?"
Squiggy nodded way too quick.
"Tell you what," she said. "I'll show you my boobs, but you gotta show me your package first."
Squiggy started shaking his head. That wasn't right.
"You wanna see these babies, I gotta see the member first," she said. "Nobody's around. I bet you got a nice one."
Squiggy smiled. His reputation must have preceded him. He turned around to make sure nobody was watching and turned to face away from Mule. He dropped his pants and showed her his pride and joy.
"Move your shirt," she said. "I can't see it!"
Squiggy did as she requested. He looked down at her, right before he heard some strange noise. The woman was holding her cell phone out at him.
"Whatta you doin?" he asked.
"I'm emailing a picture of your dork to everybody I know!"
"Noooo!" Squiggy said. "Wait!"
Chapter 34
She heard the commotion and came out of her bedroom, wearing a tee-shirt that was cut way too low in the front for the chief. She was about to lose a boob. Chief Arnold watched his daughter walk to the door and open it.
When she waved and hollered, "hey Mule!" the chief about fainted. His daughter didn't need to have anything to do with these two guys, especially Mule.
Outside the small house, Squiggy and Mule were approaching the police car. Squiggy heard the holler and turned around, as did Mule.
"Hey!" Mule hollered back and waved.
"Man!" said Squiggy. "That can't be Porky's daughter! How'd you know her?"
"She likes to serve me my foot-long coney at the Sonic. She works there and is always saying stuff like how the bigger the coney is, the better it is. Don't really know what she means by that. I think they taste the same no matter how big they are."
"I go for the regular coney. Can't shove a big one in my mouth in one bite."
They climbed in the police car. Squiggy was behind the wheel with Mule in the passenger seat.
"Where we goin?" Mule asked.
"Just a riding round. Might make sure the town's safe."
"Good idear."
They drove through the deserted downtown and took advantage of the wide streets and lack of vehicles to do some serious donuts. One time, they spun so many times that Mule almost puked. His face was all white and his eyes were blurred.
After Squiggy had his fun downtown, they drove to the biggest convenience store in town and parked out front.
"What you gettin?" Mule asked.
"Need some beer, maybe some eats."
"You's gonna buy beer when we's in the cop car?"
"Yeah, less of a chance to get busted, eh?"
They got out of the car and walked into the store. Only one person was behind the counter, a tall boy with a shaggy hair cut. He was leaning against the counter, obviously wishing he could be home in bed.
Squiggy and Mule scoured the store. After making sure the boy was not paying attention, Squiggy shoved several items in his coat pocket.
"That's stealin!" Mule said. "We can't be cops if we's stealin stuff!"
"Why not?"
"Cause...heck, I don't know. Git me one of them Snickers!"
Squiggy added to his rapidly large pockets. He walked to the back and came back with two twelve packs of beer. "Hey, get us some of them breakfast burritos, boy."
"How many?" the pimply-faced boy asked, his voice creaking with every word. He turned around to make sure that these two men were actually driving the police car. They were.
"All you got."
The boy nodded. "How come you guys are drivin the cop car?"
"We's cops," Mule said.
"Yep, undercover ones."
"If you're undercover, how come you're driving a police car? Doesn't that blow your cover?"
Squiggy and Mule looked at each other. "Our other car's broke. This is just temporary. We trust you not to tell anybody."
The kid shrugged. Like he could care.
"Know anybody who needs to get busted?" Squiggy asked.
"My brother," the boy said. "He's been sneaking off and smoking pot."
"We'll keep an eye out for him. You got one of them discounts for cops?"
"Fraid not," the boy said as he put roughly twenty-four breakfast burritos in a sack and handed them to Mule. Squiggy paid for the beer and the burritos.
Mule and Squiggy walked to the car and got in. Squiggy revved up the engine and picked up the microphone. "Breaker, breaker, this is the Langford Police Department. We's back driving around."
It took several seconds. "Who is this?" demanded the operator at the emergency station.
"Occifer Squiggy."
"Who?"
"I'm Policeman Squiggy, dangit!"
"Uh, okay. No need to say breaker, breaker when you're calling us."
"Cool. Got anybody needin arrested?"
"Not...uh, right now. Where's Chief Arnold?"
"Laid up with back problems. We's fillin in for him."
The other side went silent. Squiggy could care less. He backed the car out of the parking lot and stopped near the road. Mule was looking in the sack.
"Breakfast burritos gimme gas," he said.
"Me too. Maybe we can have a fart off?"
"I dunno. I don't wanna soil my drawers. This is my last pair."
"Just don't poot out wet ones."
"Like I can control if my fart is wet or dry?"
"I can," Squiggy said. "Lookee! That truck's goin too fast!"
It was the first vehicle to drive past them. The truck was going at least five miles an hour in the dreadful weather conditions.
"Let's get him!"
Squiggy floored the accelerator, making them spin several times and almost wipe out the gas tanks before getting pointed in the right direction. He quickly caught up with the truck and turned his lights and siren on.
The truck pulled over to the side and stopped.
"Man, I wish we had a gun," Squiggy said.
"Probably better we don't," Mule said.
Squiggy walked up to the truck and pecked on the window. The man inside was a good seventy years old, dressed in a pair of Carhart coveralls. He was clean shaven and looked rather surprised to be stopped.
"Gimme yer license, old man," Squiggy said.
"What was I doin wrong?" the old man said.
"You know."
Mule had circled around to the other side of the truck and was using a flashlight to look inside the truck.
"Apparently I don't, or I wouldn't ask."
"Reckless drivin, fer starters," Squiggy said. "I saw you veer back there. Coulda caused a major traffic accident."
The man looked up and down the road. There wasn't a car visible in miles. "With what?"
"You never know." Squiggy tried to squint his eyes to read the old man's name. He couldn't make it out. "So...I think you better step outta the truck."
"How come? It's darn cold."
"Cause I said! Git yer wrinkly old butt outta the truck now for I arrest you for resisting arrest."
"I didn't realize you were arresting me."
"I ain't...yet."
"Then how could you be arresting me for resisting arrest if you weren't arresting me?"
Squiggy thought about that for a second. The old man was confusing him something bad. "Never mind, just get outta the truck."
The man stepped out of the truck and immediately slipped on the ice, falling hard on his backside. He watched from his position on the road as Squiggy looked inside the truck. "You got a search warrant?" He didn't try to get up, as he figured out that he would just end up back on his butt again.
"Don't need one," Squiggy said. "We's the law."
"That a fact, Barney Fife?"
"Dern straight." Mule and Squiggy had not found anything incriminating as of yet. It was bothering Squiggy. "Okay, old feller! Where is it?"
"Where's what?"
"You know what I's talkin bout! The crank, heroin and Mexicans you's a smugglin cross the river!"
The man laughed. "I don't have any Mexicans stashed in the truck. Don't have any drugs either. Too old for that crap."
Squiggy was getting too frustrated. Everybody had something illegal hidden in their vehicle, didn't they?
"Let him go," Mule said. "He ain't got nothin."
Squiggy shook his head. This wasn't right. His first stop and the guy was getting off! He glared at the man. "We's gonna give you a warnin. Don't let me catch you breakin no laws or I'll bust you." Squiggy held out his hand and jerked the old man up off the ice.
"You got a deal, Fife!" the man said and got back in his truck and eased off towards home at a zippy three or four miles per hour.
Squiggy and Mule got back in the police car and started patrolling again. They went back in the other direction and saw a car skid sideways as they got out on the road.
"Did you see that?" Squiggy hollered, hitting Mule on the arm. "That's bad driving right there, it is!"
"Dern straight!" Mule agreed as he popped a beer and handed one to Mule. "Hey, that's a chick!"
The smile slowly formed on Squiggy's face as he turned to look at his friend. "I know!"
They pulled the car over in front of the grocery store. "Stay here," Squiggy said.
"How come?" Mule asked. "I figgered you was gonna get her to show a boob to get off the ticket."
"Hee hee!" Squiggy escaped out the door and walked up to the car. The window was already down. The woman inside was bundled up like an Eskimo, but fairly attractive! Plus, she was a blonde!
"What did I do wrong...say, you ain't no cop!" the woman said.
"Wrong," Squiggy said.
"Show me your badge!"
"Fergot it at home."
"I'm callin my husband!"
"Uh, no need to do that now," Squiggy said. "Tell you what. Show me your hooters and I'll let you off."
"Excuse me? You want me to show you my breasts?"
Squiggy nodded way too quick.
"Tell you what," she said. "I'll show you my boobs, but you gotta show me your package first."
Squiggy started shaking his head. That wasn't right.
"You wanna see these babies, I gotta see the member first," she said. "Nobody's around. I bet you got a nice one."
Squiggy smiled. His reputation must have preceded him. He turned around to make sure nobody was watching and turned to face away from Mule. He dropped his pants and showed her his pride and joy.
"Move your shirt," she said. "I can't see it!"
Squiggy did as she requested. He looked down at her, right before he heard some strange noise. The woman was holding her cell phone out at him.
"Whatta you doin?" he asked.
"I'm emailing a picture of your dork to everybody I know!"
"Noooo!" Squiggy said. "Wait!"
posted by Craig Hall at 4:22 AM
2 Comments:
Oh, boy, have you got the old Squister in a pinch now. As if! Kid you're wasted in Langford - maybe you should go for screen plays in LA. Whatever you do, don't wake up Ralph before I get to see the chapter. I think I'll call the Governor of Oklahoma and complain about slicing the telephone line in Sallisaw. That has simply got to be illegal, surely. And if not, it should be illegal! Bummer!
We're waiting here with bated breath until this saga continues tomorrow barring unforeseen problems like digging. Tried hard to become a blogger like you but have finally sensed my internet provider is really quick to cut the communications with anyone who might possibly be selling services which would conflict with the services they're trying to force me to read, buy, or eat. At least it's another long weekend, maybe, possibly.
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