Chapter 34

Squiggy glared at the woman for a few seconds.

"Hee hee, that's funny," he finally said.

"Yes, it is," she said.

"Phones can't take no pictures!"

She held the phone up for him to see. "This one can."

Squiggy leaned over and looked at the picture displayed on the phone. Apparently she was right. "Hey, that's my Willie!"

"Yeah, not much to look at."

"It's darn cold out here!"

"Would that matter for you?"

"Heck yes!" He leaned closer and looked at the phone. "I'll be derned. You can see me in the back!"

"Yes, you can."

"Did you really send that to yer buddies?"

"Fixing to."

"I'd just as soon a picture of my dick didn't show up on that entrynet thingey. That just ain't right now."

"Doesn't stop you guys from doing that."

"I ain't never put no naked picture of a woman on the entrynet."

"That's probably because you don't know how."

"Naw, I ain't got a camera."

She shrugged. That wasn't her problem.

"When you gonna show me them jugs?" he asked.

"Excuse me?"

"You said if I showed you mine, that I could see your boobs."

"Oh, I changed my mind."

Squiggy stepped back, crossed his arms and glared at the woman. "You lied to me."

"Yep. How do you like it?" she was smiling and enjoying this.

"It ain't right. I wanted to see them melons."

"I'm sure you do. It's not that easy."

"I figger I'm gonna have to arrest you then."

"For not showing you my breasts?"

Squiggy nodded. "And for lyin to a police occifer."

"I wasn't under oath."

"What does that gotta do with nothing?"

"A lot. Are you really a police man?"

Squiggy loaded up a big chaw of chewing tobacco. That would help settle his nerves. Having a nude picture of him for anybody to see was bothering him. It was hard enough to pick up chicks as it was. If the women got advance notice what to expect, nobody would want him anymore.

"Sorta," he said.

"How can you 'sorta' be a cop?"

"Easy. I got the cop car and the radio gadget."

"That doesn't make you a cop. Let me see your badge."

"I don't think so! I fell for that once before and you didn't show me your's."

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

"You don't have a badge, do you?"

Crap, Squiggy thought. She was too sharp for him. "I'll make you a deal, okay?"

"Depends."

"If you'll erase that picture of my willie, I'll show you something you won't believe."

"What is it?"

"Mule!"

The mighty Mule emerged from the truck upon the beckoning by his friend. He slowly walked toward where Squiggy was talking to the woman.

"He's huge," she said and smiled.

"You ain't seen nothing yet," Squiggy said.

"So what's the deal?"

"I'll let you see Mule's thing if you erase my picture."

"Why would I agree to that?"

"Mule's his nickname. He earns it."

"Ooh! What the heck."

"Erase my picture!"

Squiggy watched as the woman did several things with her phone and promised his picture was erased. He made her scroll through all the pictures until deciding that she was telling the truth.

He stood up and looked over at his friend. "Show her yer tool, Mule."

"What for?" he asked.

"Me and the chick made a deal."

Mule shrugged. That was a logical explanation for him. He started to lower his pants before Squiggy stopped him.

"Hold up, Mule," he said. "Let me hold on to that there phone so's you don't take a picture of his thing. He's a little shy."

The woman was a little intrigued. She handed over the phone, still staring back at Mule. "Let's see that bad boy!"

Mule lowered his pants and drawers. Squiggy watched the woman's reaction. Her eyes bulged out and the jaw dropped several inches. She tried to say something but was stuttering.

"That's good, Mule," Squiggy said. "Pull em up."

"Wwww...wait!" she pleaded.

"Naw, show's over."

"I'll show my boobs!"

"Let's see em then."

"Not to you. Him."

"No go. Let's go Mule."

"Wait!" she hollered. "Lookee here boys!"

She took off her jacket and raised up her shirt. They were covered by a bra.

"You got a dadgummed bra on," Squiggy said. He was checking out the device in his hand, trying to figure out how it worked.

"Here!" she said. The woman removed the garment, revealing a rather fine set.

"Nice uns," Mule said.

They heard a noise that the woman recognized. "Did you take my picture?"

"Sure did," Squiggy said. "I's sending it to everbody on yer list."

"No! My daddy's on the list."

"Shoulda thought bout that fore you started messing with the Squigster. It's a good picture. Got yer face and yer jugs in it."

He looked down at the phone and waited for the message to be forwarded.

"Let's go, Mule," he said. Squiggy handed over the phone to the shaken woman and started walking away.

"Hold on," the woman said. "Wanna go with me?"

"Sure," Squiggy said.

"No, not you. Your friend."

Mule shrugged. He was a little tired but wouldn't mind hanging out with her for a while.

Squiggy watched his friend walk to the car, smiling over this little stop. He walked back to the police car and decided it was time for some more patrolling. This could be cool. As he got in the car, the radio was squawking.

"Attention all Langford officers, there is a 211 in progress at 700 Harry Crack Road!"

Squiggy realized the operator sounded rather frantic. He grabbed the mic. "Say, what's one of them 211's?"

"Attempted burglary!"

"Really?"

"Yes, officer, we try to avoid joking about people getting their house broken into."

"Can't blame you. What do I need to do?"

"It is my recommendation that you go to the house and make sure everything is okay."

"Hmmph, good idear. Where's that address?"

She read the address off again.

"Naw, I got the address. Just wondered where it was."

He could almost detect the disgust in the operator's voice as she gave directions.

"Ten-four, good buddy," he said. "I'm gonna go check it out. Wish I had a gun!"

"It's probably best that you don't," she said.

Squiggy wasted little time wondering what the operator meant by that little jab. He flicked on the switch for the lights and the siren and took off, going through town and the icey roads at 60 miles an hour. He quickly arrived at the house and slid to a stop, winding up barely an inch from the garage. That dang ice was slick.

He got out of the car and walked up to the front door. Squiggy rang the door bell and spit on the porch. When he looked up, an older woman with a body the shape of a swollen tick was glaring at her. She had her hair in rollers and a mustache better than his.

She had on a large robe that was big enough to cover up a small family.

"You spat on my porch," the woman said.

"Uh, sorry," Squiggy said. "What seems to be the problem?"

"I caught this guy trying to break in. I was in the shower and heard some noise. I came running in and found the little fart trying to nab my karaoke machine."

Squiggy raised an eyebrow and looked cockeyed at the portly woman, "You a singer?"

"I'm trying out for American Idol next year."

"Where is he?"

"In the kitchen. I got the little turd tied up in a chair. Fancy's watching him."

"Who's Fancy?"

"My dog."

They made their way into the kitchen. Tied up at the table was some youth, around eighteen or so. It looked like he had been beaten with a baseball bat. Blood was smeared all over his face and the nose seemed to be smushed. Both eyes were almost swollen shut. Fancy was a little brown Chihuahua darting all around, taking bites of the boy's ankles.

"You okay there boy?" Squiggy asked.

"No!" he shrieked. "I had to see this crazy woman naked and then she beat the crap out of me!"

"Ugh, he saw you naked?"

"I ain't a modest woman, officer."

"Maybe you should be," Squiggy said. "I think he's gonna be marred for life."

Squiggy walked over and examined the injuries. She did whop him pretty good. He could almost picture the woman enjoying it.

"What were you trying to steal?" Squiggy asked.

The youth lowered his head and looked down at the ground. "Nothing. My buddy bet me a six pack that I couldn't steal a pair of big butt's drawers."

The woman shrieked. "Are you calling me 'big butt'?"

"Crap," the boy said. "Here she comes again!"

"Stop, in the name of the law!" Squiggy said, then giggled. "I always wanted to say that."

The woman stopped and looked at Squiggy. "Lemme whop him a couple more times!"

"I think you dern whopping him enough. I'll take him in." The dog approached the boy and tried to take another nip out of him. He booted the little critter into the living room.

"You kicked Fancy!" the woman yelped.

"That's right, blimpo!"

Squiggy untied and then grabbed the boy by his shirt and led him out the door before the big woman could inflict any more damage.

As they walked to the car, Squiggy giggled. "Did you get her drawers?"

The boy looked around to make sure the woman wasn't looking. "Naw, but I did get this!"

He showed it to Squiggy, who couldn't believe what the boy had.

Chapter 35