Chapter 38

The news was worse than Squiggy expected. It was a total shock what the doctor told him.

"We had to remove your right testicle," the doctor announced.

Squiggy was a little confused. "You did what?"

"Your right testicle was ruptured in the accident."

"My right what?"

He looked at his body and saw that all body parts seemed to be inact.

"Your testicle."

"What the crap's a testicle?" he asked.

The doctor looked at the nurse for help. She was willing to lend a helping hand.

"Your nut," she said.

"You did what?" Squiggy hollered.

"We had to remove your right nut," the nurse said.

Squiggy grabbed his privates. That was a mistake as the pain shot throughout his body. "Oof! Why'd you do that?"

"It was ruptured in the accident," the doctor said.

Squiggy grabbed his head. This was too much for him!

"Couldn't you save it?"

"No, it was badly damaged," the doctor said.

"Can I, uh, see it?"

The doctor took a step back. "Sir, we have disposed of it."

"What'd you do, flush it down the toilet?"

"No, actually we threw it in the trash," the nurse said, getting a dirty look from the doctor.

"You threw my nugget in the trash!"

"Yes, we did."

Squiggy groaned. How could this be happening to him? He would be willing to give up a toe or finger, but not a nut.

"Who said you could do that?" he had visions of a lawsuit. Where was the dadgummed second opinion?

"It was your next of kin," the doctor announced.

"I don't have no next of kin!"

"It was your brother, sir," the doctor announced.

"I ain't got no friggin brother!"

"Yes, you do. He's right there." The doctor pointed over toward the far wall.

Squiggy raised up in the bed and saw Mule sitting in a chair, looking up and away. "He ain't my brother!"

"He isn't?" the doctor asked. He also stared at Mule now, who acted like he had not heard a word.

"Mule! Why'd you tell them they could take my nut?"

Mule looked down at the ground. "They said it was a mergency."

"You will pay for that."

The doctor and nurse were looking at each other. This was not good.

"Sorry, Squiggy," Mule said.

"Yer sorry! You ain't the one gonna be without a nut. Crapfire!"

"Sir, you will be fine," the doctor said. He was trying to remember if the malpractice premium had been paid.

This was an outrage. "How the crap am I gonna be fine! I'm out of service!"

"Oh, no you're not," the nurse said. "Many people do just fine with one testicle."

Squiggy had to think about this for a few seconds. "You mean I ain't totally empty?"

"Uh, what do you mean by that?" the doctor asked.

"Can I still...you know, get a nut?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"You know, have sex and stuff."

"Yes, you can."

"Whoo, that's a relief!" Squiggy said and almost smiled for a second. "I don't think I could make it without that."

"It ain't like you been hittin much anyhow," Mule offered.

Squiggy cut him another dirty look. Some friend! "Is everthing else attached?"

"What do you mean?" the doctor asked.

"You didn't take nothing else off, did you?"

"No, we didn't have to remove anything else. You did have a broken pinky toe and a concussion."

"That why I got a headache?"

"Yes."

"I need some pain stuff. Good stuff, not some asprin crap."

"You will get another shot in thirty minutes."

Squiggy was not a person who liked getting shots. "I'd rather swaller a pill. I don't like gettin shot."

"You won't even feel it."

"That's easy for you to say. How long do I have to stay here?"

The answer was almost a week. On New Year's Eve, Squiggy was released from the hospital. During his stay, his only visitor was Mule, who wasn't allowed in the room. Squiggy was still not happy with his friend.

Mule saved a little grace by showing up in Squiggy's truck to pick him up. Both windows had been fixed and a new battery installed. As they walked out to the truck, Squiggy started calming down a little.

"How'd you fix my truck?" Squiggy asked.

"I paid for it outta my welfare," Mule answered. He handed over the keys. "I's sorry about the nut thing."

Squiggy nodded. He was feeling better now that he got out of the hospital. The pain had lessened some, helped by the pain pills Squiggy had acquired.

They got in the truck and Squiggy saw a box wrapped in a newspaper. "What's that?"

"It's a present to you," Mule said.

"What is it?"

"Open it," Mule answered. He hoped Squiggy liked the gift.

Squiggy started tearing on the duct tape and quickly tore off the wrapper. It was a twelve pack of beer.

"Do you like it?" Mule asked.

"Man, do I! Let's drink em."

"Okay." Mule felt a little better now that Squiggy wasn't as mad. He watched Squiggy take the first beer and drink most of it in one swallow. "Is it okay to be drinkin with your medicine?"

"Probably not," Squiggy said. "But who cares, eh?"

They took off back toward Langford, going the back way. It was starting to get dark and Squiggy drove slowly. He shared with Mule, of course, and the two finished off the beer by the time they got to Langford.

"Ain't this New Year's Eve?" Squiggy asked.

"Uh, I don't know."

"I figger it is. I guess we need to celebrate, eh?"

"Yeah! What're we gonna do?"

"I hear the Last Call callin."

"I didn't hear nothin."

"Never mind. Wanna go to the bar?"

"Course."

"What happened with that chick you left with that took a picture of my groin?"

"I'd rather not talk bout that."

"How come?"

"She was a little strange. We got back to her house and started gettin busy. Then...she tied me up."

"No!"

"Yep, with the dadgummed phone cord. I was laid out all naked and crap on her bed, tied up to the posts."

"Cool!"

"Naw, it wasn't. She called some friends over."

"Did you say 'friends'?"

Mule nodded. "I didn't think that was cool."

"What happened?"

"I'd rather not say."

Squiggy could tell his friend was upset, not that he really cared. This was good stuff. "C'mon, tell me!"

"You can't tell nobody else."

"Scout's honor."

"I didn't know you was a scout?"

"I weren't. Just said that."

"I was a scout for a week until they kicked me out for messin with the den mudder."

"What happened at the chick's house."

Mule looked down. This was obviously painful for him. He told a story that even staggered Squiggy.

Chapter 39