Chapter 39

Mule almost looked like he wanted to mist up, but knew Squiggy would tear into him if he did.

"So's the wench like has me tied up," he said again.

"Like there's something wrong with that!" Squiggy injected.

"I didn't much care for it, Squiggy. I couldn't move at all and she calls over some friends. I'm laid out there on her bed, barebutted!"

"The wench." Squiggy didn't see all that much bad so far. He grabbed a beer and attacked it.

"I begged her to quit, but they wouldn't! They was almost like animals, Squiggy! They got them some feathers and started a ticklin my feet and..."

It was almost too painful for Mule. "And your what?" asked Squiggy.

"My...private parts!"

"Hang on here a second there, stud. You're sayin these chicks was a ticklin yer private parts with feathers and you's complainin?"

"Well, yeah. It almost hurt."

"Man, I'd almost give my last nut fer that."

"Hang on," Mule said. "That ain't all. After they got through a ticklin me, they got this here ruler and measured my thing."

"Ugh."

"Yeah, I know."

"So...uh, just how big was it?"

"Don't really know. The ruler was only twelve inches."

Squiggy looked like he had just swallowed a flying turd. "Dude, that's a big goober."

"Thanks," Mule said. "After that, they put all this lotion all over me!"

"So?"

"I didn't wanna be lathered up! Just ain't right, Squiggy!"

"Yeah, so what happened after that?"

"They kept havin sex with me. All five of them!"

Squiggy about lost control of the truck. He had to pull over on the side of the road. "Lemme get this straight. You was tied up, had your goober tickled with a feather and then had sex with four chicks and you's complainin!"

"It was five chicks."

"Whatever. The more the merrier, the old Squigster always says! Why you mad bout that?"

"They didn't ask me!"

"Big f'ing deal! If I ever did five chicks in a night, I'd probably bronze the old unit and hang it from the wall."

"I felt almost like some kinder sex toy."

"And?"

"They keep wantin me to come back over."

"Go! Take me with you!"

"That just ain't right, Squiggy. Forcin me to have sex with all them chicks without even askin if it was okay. I feel volunteered!"

"I think you meant violated."

"Yeah, that too!"

Squiggy drove down the road a little longer until they arrived in the parking lot of The Last Call. The parking lot was already full so he parked behind a Toyota car near the front.

"You blocked em in," Mule said.

"That's what they get fer buyin a foreign car."

They walked toward the front door, a huge smile forming on the Squigster's face. He had missed this place so badly and was expecting a warm reaction from all his buddies.

"I bet they missed me," he told Mule.

"Nobody mentioned it," Mule replied. "But I was only here five times in the last week."

"How'd you pay for that much beer?"

"Them chicks paid me a couple hunnerd dollars after that night."

Squiggy almost walked into the door. "Why Mule, you's a dadgummed ho!"

Mule hung his head again. "I know's it. I don't like it none neither."

They slowly entered the bar. Squiggy was smiling like a king returning to his loyal servants. He walked into the middle of the bar, still smiling and turned around, waving.

"Who you waving at?" Mule asked.

"Everbody. Look how glad they is to see me!"

Mule looked around and failed to see anybody who had even noticed Squiggy. They stood there for a few minutes, Squiggy's smile slowly fading as nobody greeting him with the warm reception that he expected.

"Everbody must be drunk," Mule suggested. "They ain't seen you."

"That must be it," Squiggy agreed. "Get us a table and I'll get us some brew."

Squiggy made a quick tour of the joint, looking for any hot chicks who didn't know him and looked dumb enough to keep him company. He only saw one. She was a tall blonde with long hair and legs that seemed to go on forever. As she passed by, Squiggy was in awe of her rear.

"Nice!" he said. Usually when some comment like this slipped out, he wound up getting slapped. Squiggy realized he had said it too loud when the woman turned around. But instead of popping him upside the head, she smiled.

"Thank you!" He noticed she had a small gap between her top front teeth and eyes as blue as the sky on a nice day.

"Wanna beer?"

She stopped and walked back toward him. "Boy, I'd do just about anything for a cold beer!"

Squiggy had to grab the table to keep from collapsing. "Really?"

She nodded and smiled at him.

"Maybe I best get you two then, huh?"

"I'd like that! How bout one of them pickles too!"

Squiggy frowned but nodded. He knew a lot of the guys liked the pickles here, but had rarely seen any women eating one. He approached the bar and slammed the counter.

"Howdy Shrek!" he said. The bartender was a huge man with an equally large head that did in some ways resemble Shrek.

"Uh, hello," the bartender said. He wasn't particularly fond of the nickname.

"I's back!"

"I see that. You been somewhere?"

"Just in the dadgummed hospital for a week!"

"Never knew you wasn't here."

"Hee hee, that's funny. How bout you get me started with about six beers and one of them pickles."

The bartender rounded up the beer and used a tong to get a pickle out of the jar. Naturally, he got the smallest one.

"Naw, git a big un," Squiggy said. He leaned closer and looked around to make sure nobody was listening. "It's for a chick!"

"Cool!" Shrek the bartender said and grabbed a monster pickle out of the jar. He handed it to Squiggy and took the money. He noticed Squiggy had tipped him a nickel. "Thanks for the tip!"

"Don't even mention it!"

"I won't again...you cheap turd."

Squiggy was about halfway toward the table when the last comment was made. He found the woman and guided her over to their table.

She sat down next to him. "Hey, this is my buddy," Squiggy said, motioning toward Mule.

"What's yer name?" she asked.

"Most people call me 'Mule'."

A touch of recognition flashed on her face. "I heard bout you!"

"What's your name?" Squiggy asked.

"Most people call me by my name," she said.

"Ya don't say!"

"Yep, I do. It's Fawn."

"Like the baby deer?" Mule asked.

"Yep!"

"Boy, I like to eat fawns!" Mule added.

Squiggy almost pounded his head on the table. That probably wasn't a good way to impress a chick, not that she seemed to mind.

"I know one Fawn who likes to get ate!" she said.

Mule almost dropped his beer bottle. Squiggy stared at her with his mouth open. Finally, he recovered. "Here's yer pickle!"

"Thanks!" she said. "Ooh, it's so big!"

"You like em big?" Mule asked and giggled.

"I like em all!"

Squiggy and Mule watched as she slowly took the wrapper off the pickle and brought it toward her mouth. Her tongue appeared and she licked the tip of it. They were in some kind of trance.

Neither of them said anything or moved. When she had about half the pickle in her mouth and moved it back and forth a couple of times, Squiggy nearly fell out of his chair.

"I gotta go pee!" she said after finishing off the pickle. "But I'll be back!"

Squiggy and Mule looked at each other, still amazed.

"Doggone!" Mule said. "I got a chub!"

"That why the table kept movin?"

"Probably. Man, I like the way she eats a pickle!"

"Me, too." They slowly drank their beer and watched the drunks dance. After a few minutes, something blew in Squiggy's ear. He turned around to see Fawn leaning close to him. She put her arms around him and came even closer.

"Wanna go outside with me?"

Squiggy didn't realize he could nod his head that quick or so many times in just a few seconds. Mule was watching in amazement. His friend had a hot chick picking him up. As Squiggy and Fawn walked toward the door, he turned and gave Mule a thumbs up.

Mule felt good for his friend. After all he had been through, Squiggy needed something good to happen.

It was about ten minutes later before Fawn and Squiggy came back in the bar. She looked a little hacked. Squiggy looked like his world was coming to an end. He came back toward the table, sat down and stared at his beer bottle.

"How was she?" Mule asked.

"It was bad," Squiggy said and almost looked like he was going to cry.

Chapter 40