Chapter 47
Squiggy and Mule had each put away about a six pack during the fifteen-minute trip to the Burger King in Poteau.
Squiggy had exceeded the established speed limit, cruising along at a good seventy miles an hour for the most part. The Burger King was located just off the bypass and in front of the Wal-Mart Supercenter on the northern side of Poteau.
Most of the front row parking spots were taken so Squiggy cut a newer Caddy off and wheeled into the handicapped spot. The driver of the Caddy honked several times at Squiggy, not that it did any good. He did turn around and see the handicapped sticker hanging down from the rear-view mirror and the man with his arms held out.
The blue-haired wife was gesturing angrily at the Squigster. Mule waved at them and they walked into the King. There was a barrio set up for everybody to follow but they crawled under it to save energy.
There was a family in line in front of them. A father who appeared to weigh at least three hundred pounds wearing a green tee-shirt that failed to extend down to the grey sweats that were also too small. This revealed a large slab of fat hanging down over the sweats. He had on a pair of slippers, sans the socks.
The woman was barely smaller. She wore what appeared to be a bed sheet. Her breasts were massive, hanging almost down to her knees. The hair was a cheap Dolly Parton impression that needed washed. Her nose seemed to be squished on her face. When she turned around and smiled at Mule, revealing one missing tooth and several others that were discolored, Squiggy grunted.
“Check out them jugs!” Mule said, loud enough for the man and his two children to hear. “They’s huge!”
“You’s like talking too loud,” Squiggy said.
The two children were staring back at Mule. They were two boys, both with dried snot hanging from their nostrils. Each boy had on the same clothing. A Bob the Builder shirt, blue swim trunks that almost reached to the ground and cheap sandals. The older boy was about five while the other one was three.
They each had blonde hair that looked like it had not been washed or combed in the last month.
“What’s jugs?” the oldest boy asked his father.
“Nothing,” said the fat man. “Get some ketchup!”
The young boy scurried off in search of condiments. The big guy turned around to look at Mule. The man’s left eye was pointed in while the other seemed to wander around. “I don’t preciate you talkin bout the wife’s breasts!”
“So?” Squiggy said. “Git the fat rear of your’s outta the way. We need to eat.”
Mule stepped in between Squiggy and the big guy. “Sorry.”
The fat man sneered at Squiggy but left to fill up his extra-large drink. Squiggy and Mule stared up at the menu.
“Look!” Mule said. “They got anus burgers!”
Squiggy laughed so hard he snorted up some beer all over the front of his shirt. “Look what you did!”
“Sorry.” Mule stepped in front of the cash register. The woman behind the counter did not appear to be a pleasant person. She had the usual uniform on, minus the smile. Her face looked like it would break if she ever bothered to grin. She was a short woman, barely visible behind the register.
“Can I help you?” the woman asked as she moved a tray off the counter.
“Yeah, I want one of them butt burgers,” Mule said.
“A what?”
“Butt burgers!” Mule pointed up at the sign.
The woman shook her head. “That’s an angus burger.”
“Dang!” Mule said and looked back at Squiggy. “It don’t say anus.”
“I heard her,” Squiggy said. “They any good?”
“I like them.”
“You look like you do.”
“What do you mean by that, sir? Are you saying I’m fat?”
Squiggy smiled and started to say something but was cut off by Mule. “Naw, he meant that you working here that you’re probably a person that knows a good burger. Right, Squiggy?”
Squiggy shrugged. The woman still glared at him.
“Gimme one of them angus burgers,” Mule said. “Can you cut the cheese up in little sections and melt them on my angus burger?”
She shook her head.
“I thought we was supposed to have it our way at Burger King?”
“You are but we don’t have time to cut the cheese and…”
Squiggy snorted up beer again. “You ain’t got time to fart?”
Mule started laughing also. The handicapped man was tooling in the front door behind a walker, trailed by his angry-looking wife.
“What?” the lady asked.
“We best hurry up,” Mule said. He saw the handicapped guy and his wife heading their way. He finished up his order and waited for Squiggy, who ordered the same thing and paid.
They were just getting their cups when the handicapped guy came up behind Squiggy and tapped him on the back.
“Are you the guy who parked in my spot?” he asked.
“I didn’t see your name on it, crip,” Squiggy said.
The woman decided to chime in. “Did you see the handicapped sign?”
“Yeah.”
“Why’d you park in it then? You seem fine!”
“Actually, I ain’t,” Squiggy said. “I’m handicapped, too.”
“What’s wrong with you?” the woman said.
“I only got one nut.”
That shut them up and Squiggy was able to escape. They got their drinks and waited for the food. Mule grabbed the trays with the enormous burgers and headed toward the back. There was a playroom at the front of Burger King, separated by a glassed wall and door. Mule headed straight for the playroom.
“Where you goin?” Squiggy said.
“Back here,” Mule said.
Squiggy shrugged and followed. There were several children and families eating and playing. Two families were behind a small partition having a birthday party. Squiggy and Mule attacked the food like they had not ate in a year.
They both had mustard and ketchup smeared on their faces within two bites. Two little girls were at a table across the walkway from them. They were ignoring their food, choosing to stare at the two strange men eating.
Squiggy saw them staring at him. His mouth was full, not that it would ever stop. “What?”
“You’re messy,” one girl said, causing the other to grin.
Squiggy noticed the apple pie on the girl’s tray. “You want that?”
The girl grabbed the pie and hid it. “It’s my pie!” She started crying, which made every parent look around to see what the problem was.
Squiggy and Mule went back to eating as the mother came to check on the girl. She was young and skinny with long hair.
“What’s wrong, honey?” the mother asked.
“That man’s going to take my pie!” the girl said.
The mother stood up and wheeled around to confront Squiggy. “Did you say you were going to take my daughter’s pie?”
Squiggy stopped eating long enough to look up at the mother. He had not noticed before, but quickly became aware that the mother was blessed. “Naw, I just asked if…Man! Nice rack!”
She smiled and leaned closer. “Thanks. Want to see them?”
Squiggy and Mule started nodding so hard that they were slinging condiments off their faces.
The woman’s shirt was cut low in the front, revealing a massive amount of cleavage. She looked around and started to stretch the collar, revealing more. Squiggy and Mule were left with their mouths hanging wide open. Just as she got close to showing the good stuff, the woman stopped.
“Oh, sorry,” she said. “I forgot that I don’t flash jackasses.”
She walked away, leaving Squiggy and Mule frozen like a pair of statues. They finally regained their thinking and resumed eating.
“That wasn’t very nice,” Mule said.
“Naw, she’s a female dog,” Squiggy said.
Mule was the first to finish. As soon as the last bite was downed, he took off toward the giant cage where all the kids were playing.
“Where you goin?” Squiggy asked.
“To play.”
Squiggy finished up his meal and watched Mule enter the little tunnel that let the kids go into the cage. He was too big and almost got stuck. Two kids were standing behind him, waiting to enter. Mule finally realized he couldn’t get in that way so he went around to the other side. There was a net that could be moved aside. One compartment had a bunch of balls on the ground that the kids were crawling in and bouncing on.
Mule joined the kids, looking rather ridiculous. He started having the time off his life with the other kids, bouncing on the balls. Yes, it was truly fun until he got beaned in the face with a ball hard enough that it made his nose bleed.
“Crapfire!” Mule said. He looked around and saw Squiggy a few feet away. “You turd!”
Mule picked up a ball and fired it at his friend. Squiggy ducked and the ball bounced off a fat girl’s head, making her cry. Squiggy dove at Mule and they started wrestling on the balls, laughing and bouncing off the children and the netting. They were truly enjoying themselves until the lady behind the counter started hollering at them.
“This playground is just for children!” she hollered.
“Go away!” Squiggy said. “We’s havin fun!”
“I’m calling the police!”
“We best go!” Mule said. He crawled out of the little cage, followed by Squiggy. They put their shoes back on and walked back toward the door. Squiggy saw the girl wasn’t looking and nabbed her apple pie.
Everybody in the place was staring at them as Squiggy and Mule got in the truck and slowly drove off.
“That was fun!” Mule said as he wiped away some blood from his nose.
“We ain’t even started havin fun yet!” Squiggy said.
Chapter 48
Squiggy had exceeded the established speed limit, cruising along at a good seventy miles an hour for the most part. The Burger King was located just off the bypass and in front of the Wal-Mart Supercenter on the northern side of Poteau.
Most of the front row parking spots were taken so Squiggy cut a newer Caddy off and wheeled into the handicapped spot. The driver of the Caddy honked several times at Squiggy, not that it did any good. He did turn around and see the handicapped sticker hanging down from the rear-view mirror and the man with his arms held out.
The blue-haired wife was gesturing angrily at the Squigster. Mule waved at them and they walked into the King. There was a barrio set up for everybody to follow but they crawled under it to save energy.
There was a family in line in front of them. A father who appeared to weigh at least three hundred pounds wearing a green tee-shirt that failed to extend down to the grey sweats that were also too small. This revealed a large slab of fat hanging down over the sweats. He had on a pair of slippers, sans the socks.
The woman was barely smaller. She wore what appeared to be a bed sheet. Her breasts were massive, hanging almost down to her knees. The hair was a cheap Dolly Parton impression that needed washed. Her nose seemed to be squished on her face. When she turned around and smiled at Mule, revealing one missing tooth and several others that were discolored, Squiggy grunted.
“Check out them jugs!” Mule said, loud enough for the man and his two children to hear. “They’s huge!”
“You’s like talking too loud,” Squiggy said.
The two children were staring back at Mule. They were two boys, both with dried snot hanging from their nostrils. Each boy had on the same clothing. A Bob the Builder shirt, blue swim trunks that almost reached to the ground and cheap sandals. The older boy was about five while the other one was three.
They each had blonde hair that looked like it had not been washed or combed in the last month.
“What’s jugs?” the oldest boy asked his father.
“Nothing,” said the fat man. “Get some ketchup!”
The young boy scurried off in search of condiments. The big guy turned around to look at Mule. The man’s left eye was pointed in while the other seemed to wander around. “I don’t preciate you talkin bout the wife’s breasts!”
“So?” Squiggy said. “Git the fat rear of your’s outta the way. We need to eat.”
Mule stepped in between Squiggy and the big guy. “Sorry.”
The fat man sneered at Squiggy but left to fill up his extra-large drink. Squiggy and Mule stared up at the menu.
“Look!” Mule said. “They got anus burgers!”
Squiggy laughed so hard he snorted up some beer all over the front of his shirt. “Look what you did!”
“Sorry.” Mule stepped in front of the cash register. The woman behind the counter did not appear to be a pleasant person. She had the usual uniform on, minus the smile. Her face looked like it would break if she ever bothered to grin. She was a short woman, barely visible behind the register.
“Can I help you?” the woman asked as she moved a tray off the counter.
“Yeah, I want one of them butt burgers,” Mule said.
“A what?”
“Butt burgers!” Mule pointed up at the sign.
The woman shook her head. “That’s an angus burger.”
“Dang!” Mule said and looked back at Squiggy. “It don’t say anus.”
“I heard her,” Squiggy said. “They any good?”
“I like them.”
“You look like you do.”
“What do you mean by that, sir? Are you saying I’m fat?”
Squiggy smiled and started to say something but was cut off by Mule. “Naw, he meant that you working here that you’re probably a person that knows a good burger. Right, Squiggy?”
Squiggy shrugged. The woman still glared at him.
“Gimme one of them angus burgers,” Mule said. “Can you cut the cheese up in little sections and melt them on my angus burger?”
She shook her head.
“I thought we was supposed to have it our way at Burger King?”
“You are but we don’t have time to cut the cheese and…”
Squiggy snorted up beer again. “You ain’t got time to fart?”
Mule started laughing also. The handicapped man was tooling in the front door behind a walker, trailed by his angry-looking wife.
“What?” the lady asked.
“We best hurry up,” Mule said. He saw the handicapped guy and his wife heading their way. He finished up his order and waited for Squiggy, who ordered the same thing and paid.
They were just getting their cups when the handicapped guy came up behind Squiggy and tapped him on the back.
“Are you the guy who parked in my spot?” he asked.
“I didn’t see your name on it, crip,” Squiggy said.
The woman decided to chime in. “Did you see the handicapped sign?”
“Yeah.”
“Why’d you park in it then? You seem fine!”
“Actually, I ain’t,” Squiggy said. “I’m handicapped, too.”
“What’s wrong with you?” the woman said.
“I only got one nut.”
That shut them up and Squiggy was able to escape. They got their drinks and waited for the food. Mule grabbed the trays with the enormous burgers and headed toward the back. There was a playroom at the front of Burger King, separated by a glassed wall and door. Mule headed straight for the playroom.
“Where you goin?” Squiggy said.
“Back here,” Mule said.
Squiggy shrugged and followed. There were several children and families eating and playing. Two families were behind a small partition having a birthday party. Squiggy and Mule attacked the food like they had not ate in a year.
They both had mustard and ketchup smeared on their faces within two bites. Two little girls were at a table across the walkway from them. They were ignoring their food, choosing to stare at the two strange men eating.
Squiggy saw them staring at him. His mouth was full, not that it would ever stop. “What?”
“You’re messy,” one girl said, causing the other to grin.
Squiggy noticed the apple pie on the girl’s tray. “You want that?”
The girl grabbed the pie and hid it. “It’s my pie!” She started crying, which made every parent look around to see what the problem was.
Squiggy and Mule went back to eating as the mother came to check on the girl. She was young and skinny with long hair.
“What’s wrong, honey?” the mother asked.
“That man’s going to take my pie!” the girl said.
The mother stood up and wheeled around to confront Squiggy. “Did you say you were going to take my daughter’s pie?”
Squiggy stopped eating long enough to look up at the mother. He had not noticed before, but quickly became aware that the mother was blessed. “Naw, I just asked if…Man! Nice rack!”
She smiled and leaned closer. “Thanks. Want to see them?”
Squiggy and Mule started nodding so hard that they were slinging condiments off their faces.
The woman’s shirt was cut low in the front, revealing a massive amount of cleavage. She looked around and started to stretch the collar, revealing more. Squiggy and Mule were left with their mouths hanging wide open. Just as she got close to showing the good stuff, the woman stopped.
“Oh, sorry,” she said. “I forgot that I don’t flash jackasses.”
She walked away, leaving Squiggy and Mule frozen like a pair of statues. They finally regained their thinking and resumed eating.
“That wasn’t very nice,” Mule said.
“Naw, she’s a female dog,” Squiggy said.
Mule was the first to finish. As soon as the last bite was downed, he took off toward the giant cage where all the kids were playing.
“Where you goin?” Squiggy asked.
“To play.”
Squiggy finished up his meal and watched Mule enter the little tunnel that let the kids go into the cage. He was too big and almost got stuck. Two kids were standing behind him, waiting to enter. Mule finally realized he couldn’t get in that way so he went around to the other side. There was a net that could be moved aside. One compartment had a bunch of balls on the ground that the kids were crawling in and bouncing on.
Mule joined the kids, looking rather ridiculous. He started having the time off his life with the other kids, bouncing on the balls. Yes, it was truly fun until he got beaned in the face with a ball hard enough that it made his nose bleed.
“Crapfire!” Mule said. He looked around and saw Squiggy a few feet away. “You turd!”
Mule picked up a ball and fired it at his friend. Squiggy ducked and the ball bounced off a fat girl’s head, making her cry. Squiggy dove at Mule and they started wrestling on the balls, laughing and bouncing off the children and the netting. They were truly enjoying themselves until the lady behind the counter started hollering at them.
“This playground is just for children!” she hollered.
“Go away!” Squiggy said. “We’s havin fun!”
“I’m calling the police!”
“We best go!” Mule said. He crawled out of the little cage, followed by Squiggy. They put their shoes back on and walked back toward the door. Squiggy saw the girl wasn’t looking and nabbed her apple pie.
Everybody in the place was staring at them as Squiggy and Mule got in the truck and slowly drove off.
“That was fun!” Mule said as he wiped away some blood from his nose.
“We ain’t even started havin fun yet!” Squiggy said.
posted by Craig Hall at 4:30 AM
1 Comments:
The things the old Squister and Mule do for fun pretty much boggles the mind and I was so sure it had already been boggled beyond belief. Not a shred of doubt in my fried mind that the fun, indeed, is just about to begin. However, this Chapter did linger lovingly over all the condiments. I sense this was caused by the herculean task this prolific pundit has chosen to undertake, carb deprivation. Things can get really bad soon.
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