Chapter 48
The boys continued on their trek northward to Tulsa. They continued through two small towns before getting to the intersection of Highway 9.
Squiggy took a left and spun gravel as he took off. At the next junction, he took the right and headed toward Sallisaw. They drove over the Kerr Dam, which fascinated Mule.
“Damn!” he said.
“Yep, that’s what it is,” Squiggy said. “The Kerr Dam.”
“Damn!”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Whoo, damn!”
Squiggy turned to look at his friend, who was smiling with some beer droolings dropping down and out of both sides of his mouth.
“Quit saying that,” Squiggy said. “You bother me.”
“Sorry,” Mule said. “Here’s a beer.”
Squiggy accepted another beer. He had lost count of how many they had put away. Most of the bottles were tossed in the back of the truck. They were actually making good time, which was a rarity on this stretch of highway.
They got stuck behind an eighteen-wheeler going up Wildhorse Mountain. Squiggy kept honking at the trucker, not that it did any good. As they topped the mountain and descended down the other side, they got their first whiff of it.
“What’s that smell?” asked Mule.
“That’s the barbeque place up ahead.”
“What’s it called?”
“Wildhorse Barbeque,” Squiggy said. “The best dadgummed barbeque place in Oklahoma.”
“Can we stop?” Mule asked, looking like a little kid trying to get a toy out of his parents.
“You hungry?”
“Naw, but I kinder like the barbeques.”
Squiggy shrugged. He didn’t mind stopping. They pulled into the parking lot and stopped right up front. Mule practically ran in the front door and to the counter. He was trying to read the sign when Squiggy pulled up beside him.
“What’s all that say?” Mule asked.
“It’s the menu.”
“Oh. I ain’t smart enough to read much.”
“You don’t say?”
Mule nodded his head. It was definitely true. “Gosh, I don’t know what to get!”
The guy behind the counter was staring at Mule. Apparently not many huge guys came in the place looking like Mule with his camo shirt, shorts, high socks and hunting boots. One eyebrow was raised at a slight tilt over the other.
“How bout a sandwich?” Squiggy said.
“Hmm, I bet that’d be good! What else do they got?”
“They got ribs, chicken and a lotta stuff.”
“Boy!” Mule said. “So many choices! Can I get one of ever thing?”
“You want one of everything?”
Mule nodded his head.
“I don’t think so,” Squiggy said. “That’d eat up all our beer money. Get one of them chopped beef sandwiches and a slab of ribs.”
Mule ducked his head and slowly nodded in agreement. Squiggy got some beans also, forgetting how dangerous it was to load Mule up with any extra ammo.
Squiggy paid for the food. The order was ready in just a few minutes and the two guys were off again. Mule had the ribs demolished by the time they hit Sallisaw some five minutes later. He was flinging the bones out the window and leaving a large portion of the sauce smeared on his face.
He opened his sandwich next and applied the sauce liberally. With his first bite, about half the sauce dripped down the front of his camo shirt, mixing in nicely with the other food stains.
“Is that good?” Squiggy asked. Mule’s mouth was crammed to overflowing status with food. He tried to respond, figured out that was impossible and nodded instead.
As they entered Sallisaw, Mule saw the golden arch sign to the right. He started hitting Squiggy on the arm and pointing at McDonalds.
“What?” Squiggy said. Mule had made him spill some of the beer on his pants. He didn’t mind the pants, it was the wasting of the beer that bothered him.
Mule took a big gulp and swallowed a large portion of the half-chewed foot in his mouth. “Fries!”
“Now you want some fries?”
“And one of them apple pies!”
“Crapfire, Mule! Your belly’s gonna get all bloated like one of them fish that washes up on the bank.”
Squiggy had to cut in front of a truck to swing into McDonalds. They pulled up front, parked and Mule ran to the front door. He stood inside, looking around.
“What’re you looking for?” Squiggy asked.
“I gotta crap!” Mule said.
“Right there’s the crapper,” Squiggy said, pointing to the rear.
Mule nodded and took off toward the restroom. He got about halfway there and threw on the brakes. Mule clinched his legs together and started squirming. Squiggy knew this was not good. Slowly, Mule’s butt started sticking out and a roar slowly building, softly at first but slowly increasing in volume until everybody in the place was staring at him.
It was truly a fart of epic proportions. Two women were at a table right to the left of Mule. Both of them had their Big Macs only inches from their open mouth, staring up at Mule in disbelief. Squiggy saw one of them cringe and knew the mist was descending upon them and their food.
“Whoo!” Mule said.
He slowly started walking toward the restroom, moving at a slow shuffle with his butt cheeks still clinched together.
Two kids were laughing and got hollered at by their redneck father. A tall woman was dumping her trash in the garbage can and looked at Squiggy.
“Is that with you?” she asked.
“Fraid so,” Squiggy said. “Sometimes he has tummy problems.”
“I’d say so.” She was a tall woman. Squiggy noticed she wasn’t bad looking other than the hairy chin. He also saw that she didn’t have on a wedding ring and appeared to have undergone breast augmentation.
“What’s up?”
“Excuse me?”
“I asked what’s up?”
“Uh, just got through eating.”
Squiggy nodded. “Cool. You live round here?”
She returned the nod. “Why do you ask?”
“Cause you’re kinder hot.”
She perked up. “You think?’
Squiggy licked his lip and nodded. “We oughta do something.”
She placed the tray on top of the can. “What would you like to do?”
“You.”
She giggled and slapped him on the arm. “That is so funny!”
“I gots a lot more where that came from.”
She looked down at his midsection. “I’d say you do!”
“I do! You got a buddy?”
“My friend’s in the bathroom.”
Squiggy nodded. “Y’all wanna go with us?”
“Where you goin?”
“Thought we might drop by your place and then head up to Tulsa.”
“You’re goin to Tulsa?”
“Darn straight.”
“I’d kinda like to go to Tulsa!”
“How bout we stop off at your place first?”
She looked at him. Squiggy could see the sunlight reflecting off her chin hairs. “Why’d you wanna do that?”
“Thought we might get busy.”
“You and me?”
“Yep.”
“I ain’t gonna just go jump in the sack with you,” she said and giggled.
“We don’t gotta do it in no sack!”
She was still laughing. “I think we’d like to go to Tulsa though. Let me ask my friend. Here she comes.”
Squiggy was still smiling until he turned around. The friend was a truly hideous creature. She had to weigh at least four hundred pounds with a head the size of a microwave oven. Her face was covered with acne scars. Jewelry adorned all her fingers, along with her chin, nose and eyebrows.
As the beast grew nearer, Squiggy saw that she had different colored eyeballs. Mule would never forgive him for this, but he did want a shot at the one chick.
The two chicks got together to discuss the situation. Squiggy walked over to chime in. “We’s in like a single-cab truck.’
“So?” asked the human blimp.
“Well, I don’t figger we could all fit.”
“I could sit in your friend’s lap!”
“Might be best if he sat in your lap.”
“Why you say that?”
As if on cue, Mule came strolling out of the bathroom. He had not bothered to clean his face or clothing. Mule saw Squiggy and the two women and his smile slowly went away.
“No way!” he said.
Squiggy went to talk to him. “I think this one chick wants me!”
“Good. I ain’t porking the hippo!”
“You don’t gotta. Just keep her occupied.”
“Squiggy! She’s like a monster!”
Squiggy had to think about this. There had to be some way to get his friend’s cooperation. “I’ll get you a Big Mac!”
Mule thought about this for a second. “Okay, tell em extrey pickles!”
Squiggy headed off to place another food order. Hairy chin trailed behind him. The blimp was moving in on Mule, who kept scooting away from her.
“Boy, I could sure eat some meat!” Hairy Chin said.
It was almost too hard for Squiggy to keep from responding.
“I haven’t had any in a long time,” she added.
“Me neither,” said Squiggy.
“Boy, I’m hot.”
Squiggy nodded. She unbuttoned another button on her shirt. He raised an eyebrow and tried to look down the opening. “I’m getting that way.”
Squiggy ordered the food and paid for it. He even got Hairy Chin a burger also.
As they collected the food, another roar could be heard from near the door. The big chick was waving her arms at Mule, like that would do any good.
“I ain’t goin anywhere with that farty fellow!” the big chick said.
“See ya!” Mule said and started walking out toward the truck.
“Let’s go,” Squiggy said.
“I can’t leave her!”
“Yeah you can!”
“She’s my friend!”
They continued the negotiations until Squiggy looked out in the parking lot and saw Mule doubled over near the truck. Squiggy ran through the doors and sprinted out to the truck.
“Mule, you okay?”
Mule looked up at his friend with a strange look.
Chapter 49
Squiggy took a left and spun gravel as he took off. At the next junction, he took the right and headed toward Sallisaw. They drove over the Kerr Dam, which fascinated Mule.
“Damn!” he said.
“Yep, that’s what it is,” Squiggy said. “The Kerr Dam.”
“Damn!”
“Yeah, you’re right.”
“Whoo, damn!”
Squiggy turned to look at his friend, who was smiling with some beer droolings dropping down and out of both sides of his mouth.
“Quit saying that,” Squiggy said. “You bother me.”
“Sorry,” Mule said. “Here’s a beer.”
Squiggy accepted another beer. He had lost count of how many they had put away. Most of the bottles were tossed in the back of the truck. They were actually making good time, which was a rarity on this stretch of highway.
They got stuck behind an eighteen-wheeler going up Wildhorse Mountain. Squiggy kept honking at the trucker, not that it did any good. As they topped the mountain and descended down the other side, they got their first whiff of it.
“What’s that smell?” asked Mule.
“That’s the barbeque place up ahead.”
“What’s it called?”
“Wildhorse Barbeque,” Squiggy said. “The best dadgummed barbeque place in Oklahoma.”
“Can we stop?” Mule asked, looking like a little kid trying to get a toy out of his parents.
“You hungry?”
“Naw, but I kinder like the barbeques.”
Squiggy shrugged. He didn’t mind stopping. They pulled into the parking lot and stopped right up front. Mule practically ran in the front door and to the counter. He was trying to read the sign when Squiggy pulled up beside him.
“What’s all that say?” Mule asked.
“It’s the menu.”
“Oh. I ain’t smart enough to read much.”
“You don’t say?”
Mule nodded his head. It was definitely true. “Gosh, I don’t know what to get!”
The guy behind the counter was staring at Mule. Apparently not many huge guys came in the place looking like Mule with his camo shirt, shorts, high socks and hunting boots. One eyebrow was raised at a slight tilt over the other.
“How bout a sandwich?” Squiggy said.
“Hmm, I bet that’d be good! What else do they got?”
“They got ribs, chicken and a lotta stuff.”
“Boy!” Mule said. “So many choices! Can I get one of ever thing?”
“You want one of everything?”
Mule nodded his head.
“I don’t think so,” Squiggy said. “That’d eat up all our beer money. Get one of them chopped beef sandwiches and a slab of ribs.”
Mule ducked his head and slowly nodded in agreement. Squiggy got some beans also, forgetting how dangerous it was to load Mule up with any extra ammo.
Squiggy paid for the food. The order was ready in just a few minutes and the two guys were off again. Mule had the ribs demolished by the time they hit Sallisaw some five minutes later. He was flinging the bones out the window and leaving a large portion of the sauce smeared on his face.
He opened his sandwich next and applied the sauce liberally. With his first bite, about half the sauce dripped down the front of his camo shirt, mixing in nicely with the other food stains.
“Is that good?” Squiggy asked. Mule’s mouth was crammed to overflowing status with food. He tried to respond, figured out that was impossible and nodded instead.
As they entered Sallisaw, Mule saw the golden arch sign to the right. He started hitting Squiggy on the arm and pointing at McDonalds.
“What?” Squiggy said. Mule had made him spill some of the beer on his pants. He didn’t mind the pants, it was the wasting of the beer that bothered him.
Mule took a big gulp and swallowed a large portion of the half-chewed foot in his mouth. “Fries!”
“Now you want some fries?”
“And one of them apple pies!”
“Crapfire, Mule! Your belly’s gonna get all bloated like one of them fish that washes up on the bank.”
Squiggy had to cut in front of a truck to swing into McDonalds. They pulled up front, parked and Mule ran to the front door. He stood inside, looking around.
“What’re you looking for?” Squiggy asked.
“I gotta crap!” Mule said.
“Right there’s the crapper,” Squiggy said, pointing to the rear.
Mule nodded and took off toward the restroom. He got about halfway there and threw on the brakes. Mule clinched his legs together and started squirming. Squiggy knew this was not good. Slowly, Mule’s butt started sticking out and a roar slowly building, softly at first but slowly increasing in volume until everybody in the place was staring at him.
It was truly a fart of epic proportions. Two women were at a table right to the left of Mule. Both of them had their Big Macs only inches from their open mouth, staring up at Mule in disbelief. Squiggy saw one of them cringe and knew the mist was descending upon them and their food.
“Whoo!” Mule said.
He slowly started walking toward the restroom, moving at a slow shuffle with his butt cheeks still clinched together.
Two kids were laughing and got hollered at by their redneck father. A tall woman was dumping her trash in the garbage can and looked at Squiggy.
“Is that with you?” she asked.
“Fraid so,” Squiggy said. “Sometimes he has tummy problems.”
“I’d say so.” She was a tall woman. Squiggy noticed she wasn’t bad looking other than the hairy chin. He also saw that she didn’t have on a wedding ring and appeared to have undergone breast augmentation.
“What’s up?”
“Excuse me?”
“I asked what’s up?”
“Uh, just got through eating.”
Squiggy nodded. “Cool. You live round here?”
She returned the nod. “Why do you ask?”
“Cause you’re kinder hot.”
She perked up. “You think?’
Squiggy licked his lip and nodded. “We oughta do something.”
She placed the tray on top of the can. “What would you like to do?”
“You.”
She giggled and slapped him on the arm. “That is so funny!”
“I gots a lot more where that came from.”
She looked down at his midsection. “I’d say you do!”
“I do! You got a buddy?”
“My friend’s in the bathroom.”
Squiggy nodded. “Y’all wanna go with us?”
“Where you goin?”
“Thought we might drop by your place and then head up to Tulsa.”
“You’re goin to Tulsa?”
“Darn straight.”
“I’d kinda like to go to Tulsa!”
“How bout we stop off at your place first?”
She looked at him. Squiggy could see the sunlight reflecting off her chin hairs. “Why’d you wanna do that?”
“Thought we might get busy.”
“You and me?”
“Yep.”
“I ain’t gonna just go jump in the sack with you,” she said and giggled.
“We don’t gotta do it in no sack!”
She was still laughing. “I think we’d like to go to Tulsa though. Let me ask my friend. Here she comes.”
Squiggy was still smiling until he turned around. The friend was a truly hideous creature. She had to weigh at least four hundred pounds with a head the size of a microwave oven. Her face was covered with acne scars. Jewelry adorned all her fingers, along with her chin, nose and eyebrows.
As the beast grew nearer, Squiggy saw that she had different colored eyeballs. Mule would never forgive him for this, but he did want a shot at the one chick.
The two chicks got together to discuss the situation. Squiggy walked over to chime in. “We’s in like a single-cab truck.’
“So?” asked the human blimp.
“Well, I don’t figger we could all fit.”
“I could sit in your friend’s lap!”
“Might be best if he sat in your lap.”
“Why you say that?”
As if on cue, Mule came strolling out of the bathroom. He had not bothered to clean his face or clothing. Mule saw Squiggy and the two women and his smile slowly went away.
“No way!” he said.
Squiggy went to talk to him. “I think this one chick wants me!”
“Good. I ain’t porking the hippo!”
“You don’t gotta. Just keep her occupied.”
“Squiggy! She’s like a monster!”
Squiggy had to think about this. There had to be some way to get his friend’s cooperation. “I’ll get you a Big Mac!”
Mule thought about this for a second. “Okay, tell em extrey pickles!”
Squiggy headed off to place another food order. Hairy chin trailed behind him. The blimp was moving in on Mule, who kept scooting away from her.
“Boy, I could sure eat some meat!” Hairy Chin said.
It was almost too hard for Squiggy to keep from responding.
“I haven’t had any in a long time,” she added.
“Me neither,” said Squiggy.
“Boy, I’m hot.”
Squiggy nodded. She unbuttoned another button on her shirt. He raised an eyebrow and tried to look down the opening. “I’m getting that way.”
Squiggy ordered the food and paid for it. He even got Hairy Chin a burger also.
As they collected the food, another roar could be heard from near the door. The big chick was waving her arms at Mule, like that would do any good.
“I ain’t goin anywhere with that farty fellow!” the big chick said.
“See ya!” Mule said and started walking out toward the truck.
“Let’s go,” Squiggy said.
“I can’t leave her!”
“Yeah you can!”
“She’s my friend!”
They continued the negotiations until Squiggy looked out in the parking lot and saw Mule doubled over near the truck. Squiggy ran through the doors and sprinted out to the truck.
“Mule, you okay?”
Mule looked up at his friend with a strange look.
posted by Craig Hall at 4:55 AM
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