Chapter 52

Mule stammered a couple of times before he could say anything.

“Boy, you got some big boobies!” he said.

The waitress got a pained expression on her face and stepped back a couple of steps. Mule was fixated on her bosoms.

“Dadgum!” he said.

“Uh, thank you,” the waitress finally said.

“You’s welcome. Can we see em?”

“Can you what?”

“See em.”

“My breasts?”

“You betcha!”

The waitress glared at Mule. “No, you can’t.”

“How come?”

“Cause. I don’t go around showing people my boobs.”

“You should. They’s nice.”

The waitress started walking away. The other waitress continued to stand next to Squiggy, who was shaking his head.

“Sorry bout my buddy,” he said. “Mule’s kinda retarded at times.”

“He acts it,” she said.

“Technically I ain’t retarted,” Mule chimed in while watching the other waitress walk away. “I’m challenged.”

The waitress giggled, causing her boobs to shake. Squiggy watched every movement. “We need to make you laugh more.”

“How come?”

“Never mind. Can you get us some of them wings?”

“Sure can. Want anything else?”

Mule was trying to read the menu. “They got any breasts on here?”

“Naw, but they’s all round us,” Squiggy said.

The waitress laughed. The comment sailed over Mule’s head. “I do like the breasts,” he added.

“What do you guys want to drink?” she said.

“Beer,” Squiggy said. “Lots of it.”

She took the order and walked away. Mule was still struggling with the menu. “I don’t know what…”

Suddenly, he jerked upright and looked at Mule. He had a pained expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Squiggy said.

“Tummy.” Mule jumped down from the stool and started waddling around looking for the bathroom. He couldn’t figure out where it was. With every passing second, the expression on his face got worse. He cornered a waitress carrying two beers. “Where’s your john?’

“My what?” she asked.

“The john.”

“I don’t have a john.”

“The toilet!”

She pointed toward the bathroom, clear across the building. Mule looked back at Squiggy with a terrible look on his face. This was going to be tough. He started waddling off toward the bathroom, stopping every few steps when a bad cramp hit. After it passed, he would start again.

The waitress brought Squiggy the beers and the wings, a big batch. He was tearing into one as soon as they were placed on the table.

“Where’s your friend?” she asked.

“He had to crap,” Squiggy said.

“Oh. Okay. Where are you guys from?”

“Langford.”

“Never heard of it.”

“I’ll show it to you if you’d like.”

“I don’t think my boyfriend would like that.”

Squiggy was cramming a wing into his mouth, splattering barbeque sauce all over his face. “He here?”

“No, he’s working.”

“What does he do?”

“He’s a police officer.”

Squiggy nodded. That made things more challenging. “I don’t much care for cops.”

“He probably wouldn’t much care for you either.”

Squiggy nodded and downed about half his beer in one shot. “What about you?”

“What about me?” she said and moved closer to him.

“You got a thing for me?”

She giggled. “I’m not going to answer that. What about you?”

Squiggy tore a big chunk of a wing. His mouth was about half full. “What about me?”

“You got a thing for me?”

“Yep, a big thing.”

She laughed and patted him on the back. “Just how big is this thing you have for me?”

Squiggy started to answer when he looked across the room and saw Mule running toward them. He had never seen his friend so scared. Mule was out of breath by the time he got to the table.

“What’s wrong?” Squiggy said.

Mule saw the extra beer and downed it in one swallow. “We best get!”

“How come? We just got here!”

Mule looked at the waitress, hesitant to say anything in front of her. He leaned over and whispered the reason in Squiggy’s ear.

“You clogged up the toilet?” Squiggy said, loud enough to be heard at the nearest tables.

Mule nodded. “It’s like running over.”

“How’d you do that?”

“I guess I must’ve been backed up. Then I used too much buttwipe paper cause they got the cheap stuff and I couldn’t get cleaned. First time I flushed, nothing happened. Then I flushed it like three or four times in a row!”

“What happened then?”

“It all started bubbling up and coming out of the toilet.”

“Everything?”

“Everthing.”

“Don’t worry bout it,” Squiggy said. “They’ll…”

He looked across the room and saw several men sprinting toward the toilet. They didn’t look all that happy going in and were even less so after they walked through the mess to get out. Squiggy saw two of the men talking to each other. One of them said something to the other, who started pointing at Mule.

The two men started advancing toward them. Neither one looked all that happy.

They arrived at the table and confronted Mule. “What did you do to the toilet?” said the bigger man.

“I took a dump in it,” Mule said. People at all the tables were staring at him.

“You ruined the toilet!” said the other man.

“Naw, I just clogged her up.”

“No, you ruined something. We can’t get the overflow to stop and are going to have to get everybody out of here. Do you know how many health violations you caused?”

“Uh no, how many?”

“Out!” said the first man, pointing toward the door.

“But I ain’t ate none of them there wings,” Mule said.

“Take them with you, but you and your friend have got to go.”

“No that ain’t right,” Squiggy said. “I ain’t done nothing wrong.”

“It doesn’t matter. Your with him so you have to go.”

Squiggy threw a wing in his mouth. “By gosh, I ain’t goin!”

The first man turned to the second one. “Call the cops.”

Squiggy shook his head and turned to the waitress. “You comin?”

“No, I can’t.”

Squiggy finished off his beer and grabbed the wings. “Let’s go, Mule. I ain’t gonna stay here with these polesmokers!”

He hoped one of them would fire back with another comment, but they were willing to let it go. Squiggy and Mule walked toward the door, each chewing on a wing. They threw their bones down on the floor.

Several customers were walking up to the front door. “Can’t go in there,” Squiggy said.

“How come?” asked one preppy-looking teen.

“Somebody crapped all over the floor and they’s closing up.”

“Ooh!” said one of the girls.

Squiggy giggled and walked toward his truck. Mule was trailing behind, afraid his friend would go ballistic at any second.

They got in the truck and Squiggy fired up the engine.

“I’s sorry, Squiggy,” Mule said. “You hacked at me?”

Squiggy scowled. “Naw, you’s my bud. Plus we got free beers and wings. I also got this.”

He held up a piece of paper and showed it to Mule. “What is that?” Mule said.

“That chick’s phone number.”

“Cool!” Mule said. “Where we goin now?”

“I’ve just about had enough fun for today,” Squiggy said. “Guess we best head on home. I’m kinder afraid you might crap again.”

Mule nodded. That was right, after all. His stomach was upset. “Maybe we can go out to the bar tomorrow night?”

“Sure, but football season starts tomorrow night. We’s gonna get ripped by Vian and I gotta go to the game.”

Mule nodded. He didn’t really know about football, but was up for almost anything.

------

The next day was a Friday. Squiggy worked a couple of hours in the morning before deciding that was enough activity for him. He still had beer left over in his fridge and didn’t want to waste a Friday working.

About mid-afternoon, he snuck off when his bosses were porn-hopping on the internet. Squiggy drove around town for a while before heading downtown to see if anything interesting was happening.

As he drove through town, Squiggy saw a man walking along the sidewalk. It took a second for him to figure out who the guy was.

“I’ll be dadgummed,” Squiggy said. “If that ain’t old Mikey Hunt.”

He revved up the engine and pulled into a parking lot.

THE END

Chapter 51

Mule had to put his hand against the wall to steady himself.

“Boy, I see why they call this place ‘Hooter’s’,” he said.

Squiggy nodded. This was one of his favorite places to eat. He wasn’t all that fond of the food, other than the wings, but did have an appreciation for the help.

One of the help approached them. She was wearing the appropriate shirt and was endowed enough to stretch the shirt to limits it was not designed to withstand.

She was a short girl with dark hair who could be a model. The front of her shirt had a “V” in it that revealed some cleavage that was like a magnet to the two visitors from Langford.

“Can I help you?” she asked, flashing a fake smile that neither guy happened to notice.

Squiggy nodded, his eyes never venturing far from the greeter. “We, uh, need a tit, er, table.”

“Man!” Mule offered.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“They real?”

“Do what?”

Squiggy popped Mule with his hat. “Don’t get us kicked out fore we eat the dang wings.”

“Uh, sorry.”

She was keeping a little more distance between herself and the two guys. “Table for two?”

“Yep,” Squiggy said.

“Smoking or…”

“Yep, this is,” Mule said.

“Naw, we ain’t smoking,” Squiggy said. He liked the company, but was regretting bringing Mule if he was going to act like this.

She turned around and started walking across the room. She had on some tight little shorts that caught their attention. Mule was so affixed to the sight that he bumped into another waitress carrying a tray of food, making her spill it.
He never broke stride, though, following behind the greeter. Mule was fascinated with the movements of the girl’s rear, the way the cheeks would slide back and forth.

“Look where you’s going,” Squiggy said.

“I am,” Mule said.

She brought them to their table and waited for them to sit. The greeter placed two menus in front of them.

“My name is ‘Mule’,” he said.

“That’s, uh, good,” she said.

“Wanna know why?”

Squiggy looked like he was in shock. “No!”

The greeter was still smiling, but wondering how she wound up getting all the retards.

Mule motioned for her to come close. He whispered into her ear. Her smile slowly went away. Squiggy watched her take a quick glance down at Mule’s midsection.

She nodded and walked away toward another worker and whispered something to her.

“What did you tell her?” Squiggy asked.

“I told her people call me Mule cause of how big my thing is. I measured it last night with a tape measure and it was…”

“Mule, I don’t care how big your whonker is. You didn’t tell her, did you?”

“Course, that was when she looked down.”

Squiggy shook his head and started looking at the menu. Mule was too busy looking around the room.

A waitress approached them, the same one the greeter had just talked with. She was tall, blonde and equipped with the same sort of assets as the greeter. Her shirt was not as revealing, however.

Mule started moving everything on the table off to the side.

“What the crap are you doing?” Squiggy asked.

Mule ignored his friend. “I’ll help you get up there.”
The fake smile was already challenged. “Get up where?” she asked in a serious southern twang.

“Up on the table to dance.”

“I don’t do table dances.”

“What for?”

“This isn’t a strip bar,” she added.

“It ain’t?”

She shook her head. Squiggy was fixated on this one. She was like his dream girl.

“Is that why nobody’s naked?”

“Of course.”

She looked across the table and saw Squiggy looking at her. The waitress wasn’t positive, but thought some drool was exiting his mouth.

“How’s it going?” Squiggy asked.

She actually thought he was kind of cute in a white trash kind of way. “Fine. And you?”

“Much better now that you’s here.”

She smiled and flipped her hair back. The waitress moved closer to him. She started to say something but was interrupted by Mule.

“You’s hot!”

She turned to look at Mule. “Thanks.” The waitress turned to look at Mule, blinking her big, blue eyes at him with eye lashes that seemed to go on forever. Squiggy looked at the eye brows and saw they were blonde.

“What are you looking at?” she asked, smiling at him.

“Blonde, huh?” he said.

“Yes, I am.”

“Dang!” Mule said, loud enough to be heard throughout the place. Squiggy looked at his friend to see what had disturbed him. Mule was fixated on another waitress crossing by. She was immense.

He tried to flag her down, but had no luck.

“What’s good?” Squiggy asked.

“Other than me?” she said.

“You good?”

“None better.”

“How do I know you ain’t fibbing?”

She leaned close to him. “You’ll have to take my word on it…for now.”

Squiggy did his best to maintain composure, but was afraid his jaw might hit the table.

He happened to see another waitress crossing by. She had the largest bosoms that he had ever seen. Squiggy hoped Mule wouldn’t notice, but that was impossible.

“Oh my gosh!” he hollered, loud enough to attract everybody’s attention. “Come here!”

The other waitress slowly approached the table.

Squiggy knew this wasn’t going to be good, even before Mule opened his mouth.

Chapter 52

Chapter 50

The words that Alexander just said seemed to linger in the air like a really stinky gasser.

“You guys kiss each other,” she said.

Squiggy and Mule glanced at each other with their mouths kind of hanging open like somebody just whopped them upside the head.

“You want us to kiss each other?” Squiggy said. She nodded. He shook his head. “No way! That’s gay!”

She started getting dressed again. “I guess we won’t be playing anymore.”

“I guess we won’t.”

Mule leaned forward in his seat. “Squiggy, why are you so against kissing me?”

Squiggy glared at his friend. “Uh, cause I ain’t no queer!”

“I’d kiss you if we could keep playing.”

“Ain’t gonna happen.”

Mule started to protest some more, but let it drop. He started missing the game and wanted to suggest a new start with rules against guy kissing, but Squiggy and the Hairy Chin chick seemed a little upset.

He wanted to do something to get everybody back in a good humor. Heck, he wasn’t in a bad mood. He had seen her naked and she had been rewarded with a nice rack. Now she was mad for some reason cause Squiggy wouldn’t kiss him.

“How come you wouldn’t kiss him?” she said.

“Cause,” Squiggy said. “You like watching guys doodle?”

“Actually, I do.”

Squiggy threw on the brakes and skidded off to the side of the road. “Get out!”

“Why?”

“Cause I said.”

Mule opened his door and got out. She almost looked like tears were imminent. “This ain’t right!” she said. “Dumping me on the interstate like this. I’m going to tell the cops that George Bush and Harry Dick raped me!”

“You do that,” Squiggy said. Mule climbed in the truck.

“I liked yer boobies!” he said as they drove off.

They started hitting the beer again while driving down the interstate. A little later, they took an exit to go on the Muskogee Turnpike. After passing by Muskogee, Mule saw a sign.

“A McDonald’s!” he hollered.

“So?”

“Can we stop? I’m kinder hungry after throwing up.”

“Crapfire, Mule. You’s worse than kids.”

“How’d you know that?”

“Uh, I don’t.”

They stopped at the McDonald’s located in the middle of the turnpike. There was a store on the other side. Several cars and trucks were parked. Mule was the first to notice.

“Lotta black people here,” he said.

“Don’t worry bout them,” Squiggy said. “They ain’t the gang type.”

“How do you know that?”

“Cause, they ain’t wearing snot rags on they’re heads.”

Mule seemed to accept that reasoning, for some reason. He went for another Big Mac, fries and a milkshake. Squiggy gave him some money and headed for the bathroom. He was in bad need of making a deposit, so Squiggy didn’t really mind stopping.

By the time he finished his business, Mule had finished his meal and was standing at the door, stuffing fries in his mouth.

“Let’s go,” Squiggy said. “How’d you get the extra fries?”

Mule was holding an extra container of fries in his left hand. “I caught this old dude looking the other direction and nabbed his fries.”

“Go give the old guy his fries back.”

“Why?”

“Dude’s probably like on a fixed income and coming to McDonald’s and eating fries might be the highlight of his week.”

“It’s okay, Squiggy. He was black.”

“Oh, okay. Let’s go.”

They took off again, tearing through the parking lot before regaining traffic. Over the last fifty miles, Mule had started waving at everybody they passed. Squiggy was about to get tired of it.

They passed some little car with several girls in it. He saw Mule waving at them and had enough. “Quit waving at everybody, Mule!”

“How come?”

“People just don’t do that.”

“We wave at people back at Langford.”

“That’s different,” Squiggy said. He saw his friend wave at another car. “Quit!”

“You oughta try this. Two different chicks have flashed me cause I waved at them.”

“Really?”

“Yep. Watch this!”

They were pulling up beside a Cadillac going much slower, more along the actual speed limits. Inside was an older woman.

“Crap, she’s like ancient,” Squiggy said. That didn’t stop Mule. He waved at the woman and was rewarded. Squiggy also got to see the old woman open her blouse.

“Ug,” Mule said. “I’m gonna quit waving now.”

They quickly made their way into Broken Arrow, a suburb of Tulsa. Traffic was a booger and Squiggy could only go seventy as he swerved in and out of traffic until reaching the exit for Memorial. He cut in front of a semi, almost causing the truck to wreck, to make sure he got the exit.

They hit the exit and turned. Traffic was thinning out quickly and Squiggy quickly made his way to the destination. Finally, they had arrived.

“Hooter’s!” Squiggy hollered.

“Yay!” Mule said. “Why are we coming here?”

“You’ll see just as soon as we get inside.”

The only parking spot was a handicapped one near the front door. Squiggy grabbed it, killed the engine and walked quickly to the front door, followed by Mule. They walked through the front door and Mule pulled up.

“Dadgum, look at all the big boobies!”

Squiggy smiled. He was truly in his nirvana, at least for the time being.

Chapter 51

Chapter 49

Mule’s face was white as a sheet, aside from the chunks of vomit hanging off his chin hairs. His eyes were glazed over, even more so than usual.

“I threw up!” he said.

“I see that,” Squiggy said, looking down to make sure he wasn’t standing in any. “You sick?”

“Naw, I just yacked so I’ll be able to eat and drink some more.”

“Why?”

“I was watching the neighbor’s television the other night and heard the dude talk about chicks making themselves yack so they’ll lose weight.”

Squiggy was not impressed. “So you’re trying to lose weight?”

“Naw, I just wanted an empty belly so I could eat some more. I done ate and enjoyed the food. Now nothing will stop me from putting more in.”

Squiggy nodded. It actually made sense to him, which bothered him in a way. “C’mon, let’s go talk to the chicks.”

He helped Mule up and they walked back over to where the girls were standing. They looked a little concerned about Mule and the possibility of riding in the same vehicle with somebody who might vomit on them.

“He’s okay,” Squiggy said.

“You sure?” asked the large one. “He’s like got part of a hamburger hanging off his chin.”

Mule scooped up the meat off his chin and stuck it back in his mouth. “Naw, that’s some chopped beef.”

The two women took a step back. Hairy Chin looked a little more bothered than the big one.

“He’s not going to vomit again is he?” she said.

“Naw,” Mule said. “I’m through.”

He had a hiccup and everybody stepped back, afraid of a potential projectile coming toward them.

“We gotta get going,” Squiggy said.

The large woman started looking around. “Where’s my purse?”

“You must’ve left it on the table,” said her friend.

Squiggy waited for the big one to enter back into McDonalds. “Let’s go! Quick!”

“What about my friend?” said Hairy Chin.

“Screw her!”

“I ain’t,” said Mule.

Squiggy grabbed her arm and started escorting her out to the truck. They had just loaded her in the cab and started the truck when the big woman came out the door. As Squiggy started driving off, she tried to chase after them, waving her arms and hollering.

Squiggy and Mule were looking in the mirrors, giggling.

“The fat chick moves pretty good for somebody her size,” Mule said.

“Look how red her face is!” Squiggy said. He slowed to a stop, waiting for her. As she neared the tailgate, he floored the truck, leaving her covered with exhaust.

“That ain’t nice,” said Hairy Chin.

“Naw, but it was funny,” Mule said.

“Get me a beer, woman,” Squiggy said. He was driving around the rear of the building and bypassing everybody in the to-go line.

“What makes you think I should get you a beer?”

“Cause I told you to get me one.”

“Okay.” She got a beer and handed one to him. “Can I have one?”

“I reckon so.”

“You trying to get me drunk?”

Squiggy pulled back out on the highway and got on the exit ramp to get on I-40. “Do I need to?”

“Probably not.”

Mule giggled. “I wish your buddy weren’t such a lardbutt! I could use some action, too!”

“You might still get lucky.”

“Cool!” Mule said.

“Is that a train I hear?” Squiggy said.

“I don’t hear no train,” she said.

Mule laughed so hard he almost got sick again.

Hairy Chin started giggling, although she had no reason why or what was so funny. “Where we going?”

“To Tulsa,” Squiggy said.

“We’s going to Hooters!”

“I don’t think so!” said Hairy Chin. “I’m not going somewhere with you guys so you can stare at girls with fake jugs wearing tight tee-shirts!”

“I guess you could sit out in the truck then,” Squiggy said.

“Yeah!” Mule said.

“That just ain’t right,” she said, clamming up. “I thought you was going to take me some place nice for a good dinner and drinks.”

Squiggy had to think about this for a few seconds. “We will…after.”

“After what?”

“After we go by Hooters for a while and you service us.”

“I ain’t gonna give you none until I get something good to eat.”

“I got something good you can eat,” Mule said, making Squiggy giggle.

“That’s not the least bit funny!” said Hairy Chin.

“Naw, I didn’t mean that. I got some of a sandwich left over. Will that be good enough?”

"You're sick!" she said, while sliding a little closer to Squiggy. Hairy Chin put her hand on Squiggy's leg.

Squiggy looked down at his leg. Her move gave him an idea. "You ever play truth or dare?"

She frowned. "I guess I probably did when I was a kid."

"Wanna play?"

"I don't think so."

Squiggy shook his head. They were flying down I-40 going well over the established speed limit. "You's chicken."

"No, it's just silly."

"She's scared," Mule chimed in.

"No, I ain't."

"Okay, let's play," Squiggy said. "I's first. Okay...uh, what's your name?"

"Alexander."

"Alexander, truth or dare?"

She thought about her response for a second. "Truth."

Squiggy shook his head. That wasn't the response he wanted to hear. "Okay, ever been with two guys before?"

"No, that ain't none of your business. I change my choice to dare."

Squiggy smiled. "Let's see em then."

"See what?"

"Your honkers."

"My what?"

"Boobs."

"I ain't gonna show you my boobs!"

"That's how the game's played."

She shook her head. Alexander was already regretting this trip. She slowly pulled her shirt up, revealing her bra.

"Satisfied?" she said.

"Heck no," Squiggy said. "We want skin!"

She undid her bra, let it drop and raised her shirt again. Squiggy was so unnerved that he promptly left the road and almost ran into a sign for an upcoming exit. Mule moved his face approximately two inches from her breasts.

"Nice!" Mule said. She lowered her shirt down. "My turn!"

"How come it ain't my turn?" she said.

"We's goin clockwise," Squiggy said.

She shook her head again. Mule thought about his request. "Hairy Chin, truth or dare?"

"What'd you call me?"

"Sorry, I meant to say Alexer. Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Get naked."

"I don't think so. I ain't playing this game."

"Then you won't ever get a chance," Squiggy said.

She thought about it a little longer and promptly removed all clothing. Alexander sat naked for several seconds, causing Squiggy to swerve all over the road and Mule to drool.

She quickly replaced her clothes. Now, it was her turn. "Okay, truth or dare?"

"Who you talking to?" Squiggy asked.

"You. What's your name?"

"George Bush."

She nodded. Somehow that name rang a bell. "George, I want you to uh...what's your name?"

Alexander was looking at Mule. "What's your name?"

"Harry Peter. You can call me 'Mule' though."

"How come they call you Mule?"

"Is that your question?"

"No, I wanna dare George Bush here."

"Go for it," Squiggy said.

She did, requesting a dare that left both the guys rather shaken.

Chapter 50

Chapter 48

The boys continued on their trek northward to Tulsa. They continued through two small towns before getting to the intersection of Highway 9.

Squiggy took a left and spun gravel as he took off. At the next junction, he took the right and headed toward Sallisaw. They drove over the Kerr Dam, which fascinated Mule.

“Damn!” he said.

“Yep, that’s what it is,” Squiggy said. “The Kerr Dam.”

“Damn!”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Whoo, damn!”

Squiggy turned to look at his friend, who was smiling with some beer droolings dropping down and out of both sides of his mouth.

“Quit saying that,” Squiggy said. “You bother me.”

“Sorry,” Mule said. “Here’s a beer.”

Squiggy accepted another beer. He had lost count of how many they had put away. Most of the bottles were tossed in the back of the truck. They were actually making good time, which was a rarity on this stretch of highway.

They got stuck behind an eighteen-wheeler going up Wildhorse Mountain. Squiggy kept honking at the trucker, not that it did any good. As they topped the mountain and descended down the other side, they got their first whiff of it.

“What’s that smell?” asked Mule.

“That’s the barbeque place up ahead.”

“What’s it called?”

“Wildhorse Barbeque,” Squiggy said. “The best dadgummed barbeque place in Oklahoma.”

“Can we stop?” Mule asked, looking like a little kid trying to get a toy out of his parents.

“You hungry?”

“Naw, but I kinder like the barbeques.”

Squiggy shrugged. He didn’t mind stopping. They pulled into the parking lot and stopped right up front. Mule practically ran in the front door and to the counter. He was trying to read the sign when Squiggy pulled up beside him.

“What’s all that say?” Mule asked.

“It’s the menu.”

“Oh. I ain’t smart enough to read much.”

“You don’t say?”

Mule nodded his head. It was definitely true. “Gosh, I don’t know what to get!”

The guy behind the counter was staring at Mule. Apparently not many huge guys came in the place looking like Mule with his camo shirt, shorts, high socks and hunting boots. One eyebrow was raised at a slight tilt over the other.

“How bout a sandwich?” Squiggy said.

“Hmm, I bet that’d be good! What else do they got?”

“They got ribs, chicken and a lotta stuff.”

“Boy!” Mule said. “So many choices! Can I get one of ever thing?”

“You want one of everything?”

Mule nodded his head.

“I don’t think so,” Squiggy said. “That’d eat up all our beer money. Get one of them chopped beef sandwiches and a slab of ribs.”

Mule ducked his head and slowly nodded in agreement. Squiggy got some beans also, forgetting how dangerous it was to load Mule up with any extra ammo.

Squiggy paid for the food. The order was ready in just a few minutes and the two guys were off again. Mule had the ribs demolished by the time they hit Sallisaw some five minutes later. He was flinging the bones out the window and leaving a large portion of the sauce smeared on his face.

He opened his sandwich next and applied the sauce liberally. With his first bite, about half the sauce dripped down the front of his camo shirt, mixing in nicely with the other food stains.

“Is that good?” Squiggy asked. Mule’s mouth was crammed to overflowing status with food. He tried to respond, figured out that was impossible and nodded instead.

As they entered Sallisaw, Mule saw the golden arch sign to the right. He started hitting Squiggy on the arm and pointing at McDonalds.

“What?” Squiggy said. Mule had made him spill some of the beer on his pants. He didn’t mind the pants, it was the wasting of the beer that bothered him.

Mule took a big gulp and swallowed a large portion of the half-chewed foot in his mouth. “Fries!”

“Now you want some fries?”

“And one of them apple pies!”

“Crapfire, Mule! Your belly’s gonna get all bloated like one of them fish that washes up on the bank.”

Squiggy had to cut in front of a truck to swing into McDonalds. They pulled up front, parked and Mule ran to the front door. He stood inside, looking around.

“What’re you looking for?” Squiggy asked.

“I gotta crap!” Mule said.

“Right there’s the crapper,” Squiggy said, pointing to the rear.

Mule nodded and took off toward the restroom. He got about halfway there and threw on the brakes. Mule clinched his legs together and started squirming. Squiggy knew this was not good. Slowly, Mule’s butt started sticking out and a roar slowly building, softly at first but slowly increasing in volume until everybody in the place was staring at him.

It was truly a fart of epic proportions. Two women were at a table right to the left of Mule. Both of them had their Big Macs only inches from their open mouth, staring up at Mule in disbelief. Squiggy saw one of them cringe and knew the mist was descending upon them and their food.

“Whoo!” Mule said.

He slowly started walking toward the restroom, moving at a slow shuffle with his butt cheeks still clinched together.

Two kids were laughing and got hollered at by their redneck father. A tall woman was dumping her trash in the garbage can and looked at Squiggy.

“Is that with you?” she asked.

“Fraid so,” Squiggy said. “Sometimes he has tummy problems.”

“I’d say so.” She was a tall woman. Squiggy noticed she wasn’t bad looking other than the hairy chin. He also saw that she didn’t have on a wedding ring and appeared to have undergone breast augmentation.

“What’s up?”

“Excuse me?”

“I asked what’s up?”

“Uh, just got through eating.”

Squiggy nodded. “Cool. You live round here?”

She returned the nod. “Why do you ask?”

“Cause you’re kinder hot.”

She perked up. “You think?’

Squiggy licked his lip and nodded. “We oughta do something.”

She placed the tray on top of the can. “What would you like to do?”

“You.”

She giggled and slapped him on the arm. “That is so funny!”

“I gots a lot more where that came from.”

She looked down at his midsection. “I’d say you do!”

“I do! You got a buddy?”

“My friend’s in the bathroom.”

Squiggy nodded. “Y’all wanna go with us?”

“Where you goin?”

“Thought we might drop by your place and then head up to Tulsa.”

“You’re goin to Tulsa?”

“Darn straight.”

“I’d kinda like to go to Tulsa!”

“How bout we stop off at your place first?”

She looked at him. Squiggy could see the sunlight reflecting off her chin hairs. “Why’d you wanna do that?”

“Thought we might get busy.”

“You and me?”

“Yep.”

“I ain’t gonna just go jump in the sack with you,” she said and giggled.

“We don’t gotta do it in no sack!”

She was still laughing. “I think we’d like to go to Tulsa though. Let me ask my friend. Here she comes.”

Squiggy was still smiling until he turned around. The friend was a truly hideous creature. She had to weigh at least four hundred pounds with a head the size of a microwave oven. Her face was covered with acne scars. Jewelry adorned all her fingers, along with her chin, nose and eyebrows.

As the beast grew nearer, Squiggy saw that she had different colored eyeballs. Mule would never forgive him for this, but he did want a shot at the one chick.

The two chicks got together to discuss the situation. Squiggy walked over to chime in. “We’s in like a single-cab truck.’

“So?” asked the human blimp.

“Well, I don’t figger we could all fit.”

“I could sit in your friend’s lap!”

“Might be best if he sat in your lap.”

“Why you say that?”

As if on cue, Mule came strolling out of the bathroom. He had not bothered to clean his face or clothing. Mule saw Squiggy and the two women and his smile slowly went away.

“No way!” he said.

Squiggy went to talk to him. “I think this one chick wants me!”

“Good. I ain’t porking the hippo!”

“You don’t gotta. Just keep her occupied.”

“Squiggy! She’s like a monster!”

Squiggy had to think about this. There had to be some way to get his friend’s cooperation. “I’ll get you a Big Mac!”

Mule thought about this for a second. “Okay, tell em extrey pickles!”

Squiggy headed off to place another food order. Hairy chin trailed behind him. The blimp was moving in on Mule, who kept scooting away from her.

“Boy, I could sure eat some meat!” Hairy Chin said.

It was almost too hard for Squiggy to keep from responding.

“I haven’t had any in a long time,” she added.

“Me neither,” said Squiggy.

“Boy, I’m hot.”

Squiggy nodded. She unbuttoned another button on her shirt. He raised an eyebrow and tried to look down the opening. “I’m getting that way.”

Squiggy ordered the food and paid for it. He even got Hairy Chin a burger also.

As they collected the food, another roar could be heard from near the door. The big chick was waving her arms at Mule, like that would do any good.

“I ain’t goin anywhere with that farty fellow!” the big chick said.

“See ya!” Mule said and started walking out toward the truck.

“Let’s go,” Squiggy said.

“I can’t leave her!”

“Yeah you can!”

“She’s my friend!”

They continued the negotiations until Squiggy looked out in the parking lot and saw Mule doubled over near the truck. Squiggy ran through the doors and sprinted out to the truck.

“Mule, you okay?”

Mule looked up at his friend with a strange look.

Chapter 49

Chapter 47

Squiggy and Mule had each put away about a six pack during the fifteen-minute trip to the Burger King in Poteau.

Squiggy had exceeded the established speed limit, cruising along at a good seventy miles an hour for the most part. The Burger King was located just off the bypass and in front of the Wal-Mart Supercenter on the northern side of Poteau.

Most of the front row parking spots were taken so Squiggy cut a newer Caddy off and wheeled into the handicapped spot. The driver of the Caddy honked several times at Squiggy, not that it did any good. He did turn around and see the handicapped sticker hanging down from the rear-view mirror and the man with his arms held out.

The blue-haired wife was gesturing angrily at the Squigster. Mule waved at them and they walked into the King. There was a barrio set up for everybody to follow but they crawled under it to save energy.

There was a family in line in front of them. A father who appeared to weigh at least three hundred pounds wearing a green tee-shirt that failed to extend down to the grey sweats that were also too small. This revealed a large slab of fat hanging down over the sweats. He had on a pair of slippers, sans the socks.

The woman was barely smaller. She wore what appeared to be a bed sheet. Her breasts were massive, hanging almost down to her knees. The hair was a cheap Dolly Parton impression that needed washed. Her nose seemed to be squished on her face. When she turned around and smiled at Mule, revealing one missing tooth and several others that were discolored, Squiggy grunted.

“Check out them jugs!” Mule said, loud enough for the man and his two children to hear. “They’s huge!”

“You’s like talking too loud,” Squiggy said.

The two children were staring back at Mule. They were two boys, both with dried snot hanging from their nostrils. Each boy had on the same clothing. A Bob the Builder shirt, blue swim trunks that almost reached to the ground and cheap sandals. The older boy was about five while the other one was three.

They each had blonde hair that looked like it had not been washed or combed in the last month.

“What’s jugs?” the oldest boy asked his father.

“Nothing,” said the fat man. “Get some ketchup!”

The young boy scurried off in search of condiments. The big guy turned around to look at Mule. The man’s left eye was pointed in while the other seemed to wander around. “I don’t preciate you talkin bout the wife’s breasts!”

“So?” Squiggy said. “Git the fat rear of your’s outta the way. We need to eat.”

Mule stepped in between Squiggy and the big guy. “Sorry.”

The fat man sneered at Squiggy but left to fill up his extra-large drink. Squiggy and Mule stared up at the menu.

“Look!” Mule said. “They got anus burgers!”

Squiggy laughed so hard he snorted up some beer all over the front of his shirt. “Look what you did!”

“Sorry.” Mule stepped in front of the cash register. The woman behind the counter did not appear to be a pleasant person. She had the usual uniform on, minus the smile. Her face looked like it would break if she ever bothered to grin. She was a short woman, barely visible behind the register.

“Can I help you?” the woman asked as she moved a tray off the counter.

“Yeah, I want one of them butt burgers,” Mule said.

“A what?”

“Butt burgers!” Mule pointed up at the sign.

The woman shook her head. “That’s an angus burger.”

“Dang!” Mule said and looked back at Squiggy. “It don’t say anus.”

“I heard her,” Squiggy said. “They any good?”

“I like them.”

“You look like you do.”

“What do you mean by that, sir? Are you saying I’m fat?”

Squiggy smiled and started to say something but was cut off by Mule. “Naw, he meant that you working here that you’re probably a person that knows a good burger. Right, Squiggy?”

Squiggy shrugged. The woman still glared at him.

“Gimme one of them angus burgers,” Mule said. “Can you cut the cheese up in little sections and melt them on my angus burger?”

She shook her head.

“I thought we was supposed to have it our way at Burger King?”

“You are but we don’t have time to cut the cheese and…”

Squiggy snorted up beer again. “You ain’t got time to fart?”

Mule started laughing also. The handicapped man was tooling in the front door behind a walker, trailed by his angry-looking wife.

“What?” the lady asked.

“We best hurry up,” Mule said. He saw the handicapped guy and his wife heading their way. He finished up his order and waited for Squiggy, who ordered the same thing and paid.

They were just getting their cups when the handicapped guy came up behind Squiggy and tapped him on the back.

“Are you the guy who parked in my spot?” he asked.

“I didn’t see your name on it, crip,” Squiggy said.

The woman decided to chime in. “Did you see the handicapped sign?”

“Yeah.”

“Why’d you park in it then? You seem fine!”

“Actually, I ain’t,” Squiggy said. “I’m handicapped, too.”

“What’s wrong with you?” the woman said.

“I only got one nut.”

That shut them up and Squiggy was able to escape. They got their drinks and waited for the food. Mule grabbed the trays with the enormous burgers and headed toward the back. There was a playroom at the front of Burger King, separated by a glassed wall and door. Mule headed straight for the playroom.

“Where you goin?” Squiggy said.

“Back here,” Mule said.

Squiggy shrugged and followed. There were several children and families eating and playing. Two families were behind a small partition having a birthday party. Squiggy and Mule attacked the food like they had not ate in a year.

They both had mustard and ketchup smeared on their faces within two bites. Two little girls were at a table across the walkway from them. They were ignoring their food, choosing to stare at the two strange men eating.

Squiggy saw them staring at him. His mouth was full, not that it would ever stop. “What?”

“You’re messy,” one girl said, causing the other to grin.

Squiggy noticed the apple pie on the girl’s tray. “You want that?”

The girl grabbed the pie and hid it. “It’s my pie!” She started crying, which made every parent look around to see what the problem was.

Squiggy and Mule went back to eating as the mother came to check on the girl. She was young and skinny with long hair.

“What’s wrong, honey?” the mother asked.

“That man’s going to take my pie!” the girl said.

The mother stood up and wheeled around to confront Squiggy. “Did you say you were going to take my daughter’s pie?”

Squiggy stopped eating long enough to look up at the mother. He had not noticed before, but quickly became aware that the mother was blessed. “Naw, I just asked if…Man! Nice rack!”

She smiled and leaned closer. “Thanks. Want to see them?”

Squiggy and Mule started nodding so hard that they were slinging condiments off their faces.

The woman’s shirt was cut low in the front, revealing a massive amount of cleavage. She looked around and started to stretch the collar, revealing more. Squiggy and Mule were left with their mouths hanging wide open. Just as she got close to showing the good stuff, the woman stopped.

“Oh, sorry,” she said. “I forgot that I don’t flash jackasses.”

She walked away, leaving Squiggy and Mule frozen like a pair of statues. They finally regained their thinking and resumed eating.

“That wasn’t very nice,” Mule said.

“Naw, she’s a female dog,” Squiggy said.

Mule was the first to finish. As soon as the last bite was downed, he took off toward the giant cage where all the kids were playing.

“Where you goin?” Squiggy asked.

“To play.”

Squiggy finished up his meal and watched Mule enter the little tunnel that let the kids go into the cage. He was too big and almost got stuck. Two kids were standing behind him, waiting to enter. Mule finally realized he couldn’t get in that way so he went around to the other side. There was a net that could be moved aside. One compartment had a bunch of balls on the ground that the kids were crawling in and bouncing on.

Mule joined the kids, looking rather ridiculous. He started having the time off his life with the other kids, bouncing on the balls. Yes, it was truly fun until he got beaned in the face with a ball hard enough that it made his nose bleed.

“Crapfire!” Mule said. He looked around and saw Squiggy a few feet away. “You turd!”

Mule picked up a ball and fired it at his friend. Squiggy ducked and the ball bounced off a fat girl’s head, making her cry. Squiggy dove at Mule and they started wrestling on the balls, laughing and bouncing off the children and the netting. They were truly enjoying themselves until the lady behind the counter started hollering at them.

“This playground is just for children!” she hollered.

“Go away!” Squiggy said. “We’s havin fun!”

“I’m calling the police!”

“We best go!” Mule said. He crawled out of the little cage, followed by Squiggy. They put their shoes back on and walked back toward the door. Squiggy saw the girl wasn’t looking and nabbed her apple pie.

Everybody in the place was staring at them as Squiggy and Mule got in the truck and slowly drove off.

“That was fun!” Mule said as he wiped away some blood from his nose.

“We ain’t even started havin fun yet!” Squiggy said.

Chapter 48

Chapter 46

Squiggy and Mule were changed men throughout the summer, foregoing their usual beer drinking and woman chasing to work constantly on the house on the ridge.

Every day, they moved closer to completing it. They were really the only ones who knew what a gem they were building as they kept to themselves for the most part. Whenever Squiggy wasn’t at his real job, he was working on the house.

Mule didn’t have a job to take him away from the house. So he spent even more time than Squiggy trying to finish the house. Some days, he worked from the time his eyes opened until it got dark in the hot summer heat. It left him some wore out that Mule would sleep on the floor.

Squiggy got tired of seeing his friend sleep on the floor so he broke down and bought a used mattress. He was more than happy to provide his friend food, drinks and a place to sleep.

The sale of cheap beer in Langford dipped so drastically that the local distributor tried to find out what was happening.They seldom even drank beer any more, preferring water and sport drinks to get them some energy.

Finally, one day in late August, our two guys were growing restless, tired of hanging cabinets and trim board. The house was complete for the most part, only lacking some plumbing and a septic tank. The refuse was currently going out a pipe and over the ridge, something that Mule doubted the Department of Environmental Quality would approve.

You could actually stand out near the ridge and if somebody flushed, see the urine or a turd come sailing through the air, not the most attractive sight, Mule decided.

The boys needed a break. Squiggy came up with an idea.

“You ever been to Tulsa?” he said.

“Naw, heard of it,” Mule said.

Squiggy was trying to be a kinder person of late since Mule was so much help so he neglected to say anything about his friend’s comment.

“I think we need to go on a road trip,” Squiggy said.

Mule perked up. They were installing a ceiling fan in the family room, the final touch to have this room ready. The room was empty for the most part, aside from Mule’s mattress in the corner. He had a night light next to his mattress since Mule was scared of the dark. Mule had borrowed a couple of magazines from Squiggy’s collection. Since he couldn’t read, it wasn’t for the stories.

“Cool!” Mule said. He had never been on one, but it sure sounded fun. “Where we goin?”

“Uh, Tulsa.”

“Where’s Tulsa?”

“North of here.”

Mule pursed his lips. That would work. He needed to see the sights and become more educated like his friend Squiggy. “How far’s Tulsa?”

“Probably a couple cases away.”

Mule had to calculate the distance. “Dang, that’s almost two hours.”

“Give er take.”

“What?”

“I said give er take.”

“What’re you giving or taking?” Mule said. He was totally confused.

“Nothing. I meant that was about how long it would take.”

Mule was standing on a stepladder. He reached up and grabbed a wire that promptly shocked him bad enough to knock him off the ladder and make all his hair stand up.

Squiggy tried to restrain himself but could not keep from laughing. “I smell Mule sizzle!”

The blow from the electricity had knocked Mule to the ground. “Tttthhhaaat hhhhuuuurrrt!”

“Told you we needed to cut the lectricity.”

Mule was still shaking. “Man, I got goosed!”

“Yeah, you did. Gonna live?”

“I figger.” He looked down at his bare feet. “Is my feet smokin?”

Squiggy looked but refused to get close because of the foot odor Mule possessed. “Naw, I think that’s just the smell escaping.”

Mule seemed to accept that reasoning. “When we goin?”

“As soon as we get ready.”

“Cool! I’ll go jump in the pond.”

“Mule, you can use the shower.”

He failed to hide his disappointment. “Oh, okay. I’ll take a shower.”

As he walked off down the hall, Mule was shaking his head. He loved jumping in the pond to clean up or cool off. Just a few days earlier, a water moccasin got after him. Squiggy didn’t know his friend could move that fast. Mule was practically running on the water, hollering “snakes after me!” loud enough that people in town could probably hear him.

Ever since that day, Mule would get one of Squiggy’s high-powered rifles and go down to the pond, hunting for snakes. He had shot at several turtles but apparently the snakes were smart enough not to be seen when a crazed man was after them with a sniper rifle.

Mule was heading for the guest bathroom. Squiggy walked down the hall and entered his bedroom. He was so proud of this place. Squiggy even had a bed, dresser and a television hooked up to satellite in the corner. There was a large mirror directly over the bed that confused Mule when they hung it.

“Why’d you want a dadgummed mirror above your bed?” he had asked.

Squiggy just smiled. He had always wanted a mirror above his bed so he could watch his partner get busy. Now, all he needed was a partner to get busy with. His bed was so huge that it almost took up most of the room. He slipped between the bed and the dresser and walked into the bathroom.

He had gone overboard on the bathroom, buying all the most expensive fixtures and the most comfortable toilet Squiggy had ever parked on. Everything was still nice and clean, only a slight case of shower gook forming in the corners.

Squiggy quickly showered, even using shampoo and soap. He finished and stood in front of the mirror. His hair was a little long in the back now and a tad unruly everywhere else, aside from the front where most of the hair was gone. He put the back in a ponytail. Mule thought it looked silly to wear his hair in a ponytail when it barely went over his collar, but Squiggy thought it was cool.

He found a pair of jeans on the floor that didn’t appear to be all that dirty and put them on over a pair of boxers. Squiggy grabbed a tee-shirt out of the dresser, an old ZZ-Top one advertising some concert series in the late 1980s. He looked at himself in the mirror and realized the shirt had seen better days, not that Squiggy cared.

Squiggy walked into the closet and grabbed his cleanest hat, a white one advertising the branch bank on the highway. His buddy, Swifty, had given him the hat last week and Squiggy had worn it every day since then.

He had even worn it in the Bank of Langford, hoping it would bother the workers. The only thing that seemed to bother them was him. Squiggy saw the president sneaking back into his office, the man who had stolen his home and dirty magazine collection! Well, Squiggy had shown him, by gosh, stealing the collection back.

Squiggy stuck his head in the president’s office. “I heard you’s having a party in your mouth.”

The president was a man only a little older than Squiggy. He really wished they had security at this moment. His hair was combed over, trying to cover the baldness, making it look like he had a football helmet. “Er, I wasn’t aware of a party,” Allen Woodard said.

“Yep, everybody’s comin.”

Squiggy giggled and walked along the teller line, flirting with the tellers before leaving. Nobody seemed to mind him wearing the hat of the competition, dang it! He hung out at the front door for a little while, telling all the customers coming to the bank that they should move their accounts to the branch bank.

He did this two or three times a week, just for the heck of it. Squiggy shared his story about losing his home to anybody who would listen and how hard it was on him to come home from work one day and find his home had been stolen.

Squiggy didn’t bother telling the people that he was blitzed that day so bad he hit a tree while driving home or that he was three months late on his payment.

Satisfied with his appearance, he walked into the kitchen. There was a huge fridge next to the stove. He checked out the beer situation. It was a little low so he walked through the laundry room into the garage. Squiggy had bought two other refrigerators that he kept in the garage as backup.

They were both filled with beer. He grabbed an ice chest and loaded it full of beer and ice. It was so heavy that it was hard for him to load it in the front cab of the truck.

Squiggy walked back into the house and found Mule in the kitchen. He had the fridge open and was scratching his crotch. Mule was going with his patented camo look today. A camo tee-shirt with the sleeves cut off that was a little small, revealing a little belly fat. The shorts were also a little small and cut off high on his thights.

Mule topped off his clothing line by wearing a pair of hunting books with white socks that stretched to his knees.

He saw Squiggy and turned to look at his friends. Mule held his arms out. “Figger the Tulsa chicks can resist me?”

“I imagine yer gonna be the topic of a lotta conversations,” Squiggy said. “Let’s roll!”

“What’re we gonna roll?”

“Nothing. Let’s go!”

Mule slammed the fridge door. “I’s hungry, Squiggy!”

“We’ll stop at the King and get something to eat.”

That put a smile on the Mule’s face. A road trip, lots of beer and they were going to stop at Burger King! Could life get any better?

Chapter 47

Chapter 45

Squiggy had lived a life of disappointment, a trait he shared with many other residents of Langford. There had been some good points and times, but they were frequently dwarfed by all the bad stuff.

He had seldom felt this bad before. Betrayed by his only real friend and the only girl he really cared about.

As Squiggy watched them walk across the parking lot to her car, he leaned forward and rested his head against the steering wheel. His eyes were barely above the top of the wheel, taking them in as they walked slowly.

He considered firing up the old truck and running them over, but decided going to jail wouldn’t make his life any better. Instead, he sat in his truck, drinking beer and watched them leave The Last Call.

Squiggy had about half a beer left. He looked at the bottle for several seconds before deciding to do something that would have never seemed possible just a few minutes ago. He rolled his window down and poured the beer out. He was wasting beer!

He threw the empty bottle in the back of a truck parked next to him, turned the engine on and slowly drove away, headed back to his cellar and a life Squiggy was determined to change.

The following morning, Squiggy got up fairly early, at least for him, ate some leftover cold pizza and emerged from the cellar. It was a tough task ahead of him, but he was tired of living the way he had been.

He was determined to quit drinking beer, or at least as much, and finish his house. It was not moving on like he wanted and Squiggy was tired of living in a storm cellar. He walked over next to a tree and took a leak, enjoying the feeling of the cold air. The view from here was astounding, one that many people would pay a bundle to get.

Psycho was trailing behind him and started to lick the puddle of wee on the ground. “Quit that,” Squiggy said. Psycho followed directions and trailed behind Squiggy as they walked toward the house.

Squiggy stood at the entrance for a few seconds. It was rather cold this morning and he would rather be snuggled under some warm blankets until the sun came out, but that wasn’t going to happen today. He was going to work.

For the next five months, Squiggy did little other than work at his job as many hours as possible, eat, sleep and work on his home. He was making good progress and actually moved in the house early in June. It was far from finished but still better than living in the cellar.

That was the second biggest highlight of the new year for him. The first happened in early February. Squiggy woke up, looked down and saw what looked like a tent pole under the covers. It took a few seconds for him to realize the significance of this event.

“I got a chub!” he hollered, scaring Psycho bad enough that she almost bit him.

He stayed away from the bars and trash women so Squiggy had not actually returned to action.

Several times, Mule came to visit him. Squiggy would hide from his former friend or not answer the door. He could have used Mule’s help, but Squiggy was still hurting and wasn’t in a forgiving mood.

Without the beer and because of the extra work, Squiggy lost enough weight his pants were soon sagging off him. Muscles that had been given the last twenty years off were being used again, getting him in the best shape his body had seen since his senior year in high school.

The roof was on the house and everything was moving along well. But Squiggy was having all kinds of trouble getting the wood siding to look right. Every time he tried it, the siding would get all crooked and look like crap. This was getting very frustrating to him and Squiggy was about to break down and call in some help.

That is, until one day he came home after work, drove up his lane and was amazed to see much of the siding on the front of the house. It even looked good! Squiggy was astounded. He walked up to the front of his house and stood there for several minutes, staring at his masterpiece.

He didn’t have a clue how the siding had suddenly materialized. Squiggy also didn’t hear anybody come up behind him.

“How you like it?” the man asked.

“Nice,” Squiggy said. He turned around to see Mule standing behind him. Mule’s hair had grown some and his beard was in bad need of a trim. He on only had on a pair of his camo shorts and his hunting boots.

“I figgered you might could use some help. You looked like you was having some problems with that there siding.”

Squiggy nodded, staring at Mule’s boobs. It was almost like he didn’t have any nipples. Normally, he would have requested more information about this abnormality, but this just didn’t seem the time to do so.

“You did all this today?” Squiggy asked.

“Yep. Got here right after you left for work. I been wanting to help.”

Squiggy nodded, still staring at Mule’s tits. He wanted to ask so bad, but contained himself. “You did a dern good job.”

Mule nodded. He walked over to the porch and sat down with Squiggy following. “I didn’t boink May that night.”

Squiggy frowned. That didn’t seem possible. “You left with her.”

“Yeah, but it bothered me after that. She wanted to go to her place and get naked. I started feeling bad about it and told her to quit grabbing my manhood.”

“Are you serious?”

“Naw, I’m still Mule.’

“No, I meant that you’re telling the truth? You and May didn’t get busy?”

Mule shook his head. “Naw, it just didn’t seem right since you was wanting to nail her but you couldn’t cause yer thingey weren’t working.”

“I’ll be danged. I figgered you ruined her that night.”

Mule thought about that for a second. “Naw, I went home by myself.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this before?” Squiggy said.

“You always hid whenever I came around. I can’t really blame you. If I thought you porked some chick I wanted to be with forever, I’d been wanting to do something bad.”

Squiggy nodded. He still stared at the breasts. He couldn’t hold off any more. “Where’s yer dang nips?”

“My what?”

“Yer nipples. You ain’t got none?”

Mule looked down and ran his hands over them. “Yeah, I do. They’s just innies and like to stay hidden until it gets cold.”

Squiggy nodded, glad that was finally out of the way. “Sorry bout getting in a fight with you that night.”

“Me too, Squiggy. Buds shouldn’t fight like that. It was a bad night with you not being able to have sex with all them hot chicks and then Daddy showing up and leaving.”

“What happened with him?”

“Don’t really know. He came home that night and was going to let Mommy have sex with him until she found about him getting his tallywhacker shot off. After that, she just told him to leave.”

“Ain’t seen him since then?”

“Naw. He don’t need to be round here no more.”

Squiggy looked around at his house. It looked nothing like it had yesterday. Now, it was really starting to look like a house.

“You want me to buy you some beer for helping me?” Squiggy asked.

“Naw, let’s work on the house. You can pay me back by just being my buddy again.”

Squiggy nodded and patted his friend on the shoulder. “Thanks, Mule.”

Mule smiled like he hadn’t in months.

Chapter 46

Chapter 44

They were words he never expected to hear out of May. They had been a couple for a long time and had never given any indications to feeling this way before.

“I want you so bad!” she said.

“Uh, thank you,” he said. “I want to be with you, too.”

May shook her head. “That’s not what I mean. I want to be with you…like, right now!”

“Hee hee,” Squiggy laughed. Surely this was some cruel joke. “That’s a good one.”
”What’s funny? I’m serious. I want to be with you and spend the night together, making love again and again.”

Squiggy cursed under his breath. “Boy!”

She leaned closer and placed her hand high on his thigh. “Let’s go outside…now.”

Her hand was gradually sliding higher up his leg. Usually, all a woman had to do was get in the same area code with her hand in relation to that area and Squiggy was ready to go. Not now, though.

Squiggy turned around and shook his hand in the area. “Dang you, Mule!”

“What was that all about?” May asked.

Squiggy shook his head. Her hand was still getting closer. He thought back to when they were kids and they would play a game called chicken. The object was to see how close you could get your hand to a member of the opposite sex’s privates. Squiggy and the other guys never were chicken and always won, of course. Some of the girls were brave but would cave in when the guys got too close, or they realized the guys weren’t going to stop them.

For the first time in his life, Squiggy knew he was going to have to stop a woman who wanted to have sex with him. What made it worse was it was May, a girl he had fantasized about for years.

She was centimeters away from the prime real estate. Squiggy was feeling nothing down there. He put his hand on her’s. “Best stop.”

“Okay,” she said. “Want to go outside?”

He looked at her and saw that she had a look on her face like a male dog did around a female in heat. “That’d be fine.”

They stopped at the bar and grabbed a couple of beers. She kept pulling at him to get him going faster.

Squiggy opened the passenger door for May and she got in, sliding over next to the steering wheel. She barely left him enough room to get in.

He had to nudge her over just to get in the truck. “Kinder cold out tonight, eh?”

“I’ll warm you up!” she said.

She was all over him, pulling his shirt off and kissing Squiggy all over. She got down to his nipples and started biting and licking.

“Ouch!” he said. “You dern near bit my titty off!”

She looked up at him with an evil look. “I know!”

May sat up and started pulling her shirt off. She had on one of those fancy bras that barely covered the main event. Squiggy was in a trance, staring at those breasts he had often dreamed about.

“Yes!” he said and regretted it after seeing her reaction. May quickly recovered and loosened the bra straps, but covered up her bosoms with her shirt. Squiggy reached out and pulled the shirt away. It was a little dark in the truck. He reached over and hit the light.

As soon as the light came on, May grabbed her shirt back and covered herself up. “What are you doing?”

“Couldn’t see em with it so dark.”

“Turn the light off!”

“Lemme see em.”

“Not with the light on!”

Squiggy shook his head and hit the light switch. She moved closer again and dropped her shirt. He squinted to see but it was still too dark. He cupped one in each hand.

“Nice!” he said.

She purred like a kitten. “Oh, yes!”

Squiggy was wondering what her reaction would be after finding out his little secret. He didn’t have long to wait. May reached down and started unbuttoning his pants. She got the button undone and unzipped his pants. May stuck her hand in, found what she was looking for and then stopped.

“Nothing’s happening,” she said.

“I know.”

She messed around with him for a few seconds but it was a waste of time. “What’s wrong?”

May almost seemed to panic. She pulled her hand out and moved away from him.

“Don’t I excite you?” she said.

“You would,” Squiggy said. “It’s kinder a long story.”

“Tell me.”

He did, the whole details, only leaving out the part about not being able to get serviced earlier in the evening.

“You’re impotent?” May asked.

“Naw, I’m not any dumber today than I was last week,” he said. “I just can’t get it up.”

“Have you tried any medicine?”

“Naw, I didn’t even know I had a problem until tonight.”

“This is terrible!”

Squiggy shook his head. She had no idea. He didn’t want to go through life without having full usage of his appendage.

“I…I’ve, uh, gotta go!” May said. She finished getting dress, opened the door and climbed out. May slammed the door and headed back to the bar. Squiggy decided he had spent enough time in the bar tonight.

He sat out in the parking lot for a while longer, drinking his beer. When the door to The Last Call opened from the inside, he thought nothing about it. Squiggy just happened to glance up and see the couple leaving.

His spirits left him as he watched them walk across the parking lot.

Chapter 45

Chapter 43

Even in the middle of a fight with his best buddy, seeing her brought a smile to his face."May, what's you doin here?" he said.He probably should have been paying more attention to his opponent as Mule took advantage of the opportunity and nailed Squiggy with a good haymaker to the left side of his face.

Squiggy fell like a tree after loggers brought it down. He stayed perfectly still as he tilted over and the momentum carried him down to the cheap flooring.It took him several seconds to regain his senses.

He rubbed his jaw and felt the knot forming just under his eye. "Crapfire, Mule! That's dadgum cheating!""You always says you don't fight fair," Mule said. "Neither do I! "May leaned down and helped Squiggy sit up. "Are you okay?" "Crap no," he said, then realized what he had said. “Sorry bout that.”

“It’s okay, Squiggy,” she said. May was cradling his head in her lap. Squiggy could feel her breasts poking against his head.

“Lemme up,” he said. “I’m gonna tear him a new one.”

“A new what?” Mule asked. He was sitting back down on his barstool, trying to find any bottles with beer left. His father had done a number on the beer.

“Something new that’s gonna hurt a lot, queer!”

“Squiggy, let it go,” she said. “Why were you fighting with your friend?”

“He, uh, I, uh…I don’t member. Something about his dumb daddy.”

Mule jumped down from the stool. “Don’t call my daddy ‘dumb’! He can’t help being a retard!”

“Kinder runs in the family,” Squiggy said.

Mule nodded. He was mad enough not to catch the insult.

“Can you get up?” May asked.

“Depends on what yer wantin up,” Mule said and giggled.

Squiggy looked around for something to throw at Mule, but couldn’t find anything.

“Shut up, Mule!”

“What’d he mean by that?” May asked.

“Nothing. Help me up.”

May helped Squiggy stand. He was still a little shaky and she steadied him. “Let’s go sit down,” she said.

“Get off my table, Mule,” Squiggy said.

“Nope! Ain’t gonna happen!”

“Guess I best knock you off it then!”

“Quit it!” May said. “We can get another table. I don’t know what it is with you guys always wanting to fight. My daddy’s still having headaches from Mule hitting him with his crutch.”

Squiggy caught himself smiling and wiped it away. “Let’s go sit down over here.”

There was a little cowboy sitting at the table with his legs crossed in a feminine manner. He was wearing a black hat that seemed to big for his body. He had a mustache that was thin and curled down at the ends because he let the hair grow longer.

“Git,” Squiggy said.

The cowboy turned to face him. He had a big dip that made his lower lip stick out. “What’d you say there, mister?”

“I told you to git. We needs that table.”

“There’s another one right there,” the cowboy said, pointing across the bar.

“I wants that one,” Squiggy said. When the cowboy didn’t move quick enough, Squiggy flicked the back of the hat so it covered the man’s face.

“Hey, don’t mess with the Stetson!”

The cowboy slowly stood. He couldn’t be much taller than five foot. The man cast Squiggy a dirty look while collecting his spit bottle and the drinking bottle.

“You best be glad I’m in a good mood tonight,” the man said.

“Why?” Squiggy asked.

“So I don’t kick your tail like your friend did.”

Squiggy reacted in a typical fashion. He reached over and grabbed the man by the nose and twisted it. “Get to kicking.”

“Ow!” the cowboy said. “Quit turning my nose like that! It hurts!”

Squiggy applied a little more pressure. “Say ‘uncle’.”

“I ain’t got no uncle,” the cowboy said. His head was turned in a rather awkward position. “Please quit! You’re gonna break my dang nose!”

Squiggy looked over at May and saw she wasn’t enjoying this. He let go of the short cowboy’s nose and sent him on the way. Squiggy saw May look the other way and kicked the cowboy in the butt.

They sat down at the table. May scooted her chair closer to Squiggy. He was about to say something when Fawn walked by. She huffed and said, “I wouldn’t waste your time with him.”

She walked away, leaving May with a confused look on her face. “What’d she mean by that?”

Squiggy shrugged. “Beats me with a stick. Wanna beer?”

“You know I don’t drink.”

He nodded. Squiggy did drink, of course, and could use a beer or two badly. He started squirming like a little bored kid in church.

“Do you want a beer?” she said.

Squiggy sat up in his chair and smiled. “Sure nuff!”

As soon as May was out of range, Squiggy caught Mule looking at him and flipped him off. Mule responded by picking his nose and flicking a booger back. Luckily, it fell way short. Squiggy was scheming for his next move when May returned.

“Here,” she said and handed over a beer. It was the good stuff, not the cheap crap Squiggy usually bought.

“Thanks, May!” he said. His head was hurting a lot less now.

She nodded. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I was about what happened on Thanksgiving.”

Squiggy had to burrow deep in the recess of his brain to figure out what she was talking about. Finally, it was retrieved. He had gotten in a fight with her father and plucked the man’s nose hairs.

“So am I,” he said. “Yer daddy still hacked?”

“I guess. I haven’t talked to either of them?”

“No sh…really?”

May nodded. “I couldn’t handle them any longer. I’ve got a little apartment in Poteau and won’t talk to them.”

“I bet they’s pis…upset.”

“Yeah, they are. But they’ve ruled my life for too long.” May reached in her purse and came back with a piece of gum. “Want one?”

“Naw, they make me poot.”

May frowned a little and Squiggy regretted that comment. She sat her purse on the table and stared at it for too long. “I’d kind of like to give us another chance.”

Squiggy about fell out of his chair. He never expected to hear those words come out of her mouth. “You sure?”

“I’ve never felt more positive about anything!”

Squiggy nodded. That was cool to him. He did have his doubts about whether her father would stay away.

“There’s only one problem,” she said.

Uh oh, Squiggy thought. His life was always filled with one problem, or more. “What’s that?”

“I have to move out of my apartment by this weekend and need a place to stay,” she looked at him for his reaction.

“You checked with any of yer buddies?”

“I was wanting to stay with you if that would be okay.”

Every alarm in his body was going off. A chick wanted to move in with him! “Uh, okay. The house ain’t ready yet.”

“It isn’t?”

“Not yet.”

“Oh…I guess the cellar will be okay for a while.”

Squiggy nodded. It worked fine for him. He just wished the mattress wasn’t all torn up now thanks to Mule. All the fluffy stuff kept coming out.

She leaned closer to him. “There’s something else I want from you.”

“What’s that?” he asked, a little worried about her look.

May leaned even closer and whispered words in his ear that Squiggy never expected to hear from her.

Chapter 44

Chapter 42

The stuttering suddenly stopped.

"It's mmmy dddaddy!" Mule said.

Squiggy whirled around to look at the man. There was some resemblance, he decided. Squiggy leaned over and looked under the table at Mule's father.

"What're you looking at?" the woman said.

"Nothing," Squiggy said. "Mule, you sure this is your daddy?"

"It's him."

"I thought he was like dead or something."

Mule stared at his father, who was looking up at the roof. "Yeah, we thought you got ate by a bigfoot!"

"Naw, that's just what I told people to get your momma off my butt," the man said.

"Ain't no such thing as a bigfoot!" the woman said.

"Is too!" Mule said. "We seen one out near Squiggy's cellar!"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Go somewhere else, you scab," Mule said.

The woman looked at Mule's father for help. None was coming. She sat up straight and glared at Mule. "You can't talk to me like that! I'll go get my four brothers over there and they'll come over here and put some knots on yer noggin!"

"Go gets em!" Mule said. "I'll sic Squiggy on em."

Squiggy was in the middle of getting a drink. He gurgled up a large amount of beer. "Now holds on just a second there, Mule. Them boys are bad."

Mule paid no attention. The woman looked at her brothers and back at Mule. "I'll let it slide this time."

"Whatever," Mule said. "Git! I wanna talk to my daddy."

"I have to go urinate anyway!" the woman said and climbed down off the stool. She about lost her balance at the bottom but Squiggy caught her, almost ripping his shoulder out of the socket.

"Dadgum, that hurt," he said. "You's a big woman!"

She smiled. "You like that in a woman?"

"Not particularly. I gotta be pretty drunk fore my standards drop that far."

She nodded and headed off toward the bathroom. The woman grabbed an unattended beer off one table and slipped away.

Squiggy turned his attention back to Mule and his father. This was going to be good, he decided. Mule was one hacked off fellow.

"So, is this really your big-membered, dumb daddy?" he asked.

Mule nodded, then said, "That ain't right what you did. Makin us all think you got et by a bigfoot! We even put a cross with your name on it in the backyard!"

The man started to smile before realizing that was probably not a good idea. "I couldn't take livin with yo momma no more. Dang, boy, ever seen yer mother without no clothes on?"

Mule shivered. "Yeah, it ain't a pretty sight."

"You really got a unit big nuff to bruise yer dadgummed knees?" Squiggy asked.

"Not no more," the man said. "I had an accident and lost most of my goober."

"No way!" Mule said.

"Naw, it's true. I was having sexual innercourse with this chick and her brother came home and caught us."

"How'd that make you lose your thing?" Mule asked.

"I knew he was her brother so I wasn't too concerned until the feller pulled out a gun and said he was gonna shoot my dork off."

"Now why'd he wanna go and do that?"

"Cause he was having a thing with her."

"That's dadgummed gross," Squiggy stated.

"The man was a pretty good shot," Mule's father said. He shot me and knocked off most of it. We went to the doctor and tried to get it surgically repaired, but it was beyond repair."

"You's makin this up!" Mule said.

"Ain't nobody sick enough to make something like this up," the man said.

Squiggy nodded. Mule shivered. That was certainly a tragic accident. "Why'd you leave us, Daddy? Was it me?"

"Naw, you didn't get on my nerves that bad," he said. "I couldn't stay with her no more. She kept drinking all my beer and nagging all the time."

"So you made me stay with her! I been stuck there for a lotta years. I had dreams bout doing something with my life, but couldn't do it cause of what you did!"

"You wanted to do something other than sit around and drink beer all the time?" Squiggy asked.

Mule leaned over and whispered in his friend's ear. "Not really, just thought it sounded good."

Squiggy nodded and glared at Mule's father. "You ruined his dreams!"

The man yawned. "Sorry bout that. You seem to have done okay for yourself, other than yer choice of friends."

"Thanks, Daddy!" Mule said and brightened considerably.

It took a second for what the man said to sink in for Squiggy. "Say something like that again and you're gonna wish a bigfoot had ate you."

The man was not phased. "I whipped yer daddy and could kick yer lardbutt."

"You never kicked Daddy's butt!"

"Sure did, it was right between when he was married to the first Sally and the second Sally."

Squiggy's father was married three times. All three women shared the same name since it was easier for Elrod to keep track of them. He was a huge man, muscles swollen by a lifetime of hauling wood.

"Only way you could have whipped him was to catch him passed out drunk!" Squiggy said.

"Calm down," Mule said. "I wanna talk to my daddy!"

"I ain't calming down, Mule! Yer daddy might have had a big one fore it got shotted off and I'm sorry to hear that, but he's a dadgummed liar!"

"Don't be callin my daddy a liar!"

"He is a liar! He made you think a bigfoot ate him!"

"So?"

"So the retard's a dadgummed liar in my book."

Mule got down from the stool. He had a look on his face like Squiggy had not seen before. "Ain't nobody callin Daddy a retard or a liar!"

"You did!"

"That's different!" Mule started coming around the table toward Squiggy.

"You plannin on going redneck on me?" Squiggy said.

"I's gonna kick your butt!"

"Bring it on, ya homo!"

Mule stopped and took a drink. "I'm gonna hit you so hard you'll be able to wipe and blow yer nose with the same paper towel!"

Squiggy also got off the stool. He was a little sad that their friendship had come to this, but he wasn't one to back down from a fight. "Oh yeah! I'm gonna be on you like Michael Jackson on a cub scout!"

Several people started circling around, expecting a good bar fight. Mule's father was taking advantage of the distraction to drink all the beer on the table. Some started wagering on the outcome. Mule was a heavy favorite to win.

Squiggy heard the odds from one of the bookies. "I'm a ten-to-one dog?"

The bookie nodded.

Squiggy dug a five out of his pocket. "That's on me."

The bookie took the money and wrote it down on a notepad he always kept close. Mule and Squiggy squared off and waited for somebody to make the first move.

"Kick his butt, Mule!" hollered somebody from the crowd.

"Yeah! He needs a good buttkicking!" said another observer.

"I heard Squiggy can't get it up no more!" said a woman in the back.

Squiggy dropped his guard for a second. "Hey!"

It was the opportunity that Mule had wanted. He shot out a left jab that was headed for Squiggy's eye. Squiggy saw it coming, though, and ducked out of the way.

Squiggy swung a wild haymaker, hoping to land an early knockout. He hit Mule right in the side of the head, but he didn't even blink.

"Uh oh," Squiggy said.

Mule moved with amazing quickness and grabbed Squiggy in a bearhug with both arms trapped. He gave a big squeeze and Squiggy farted.

"Oh my gosh!" said one woman.

"That sounded wet!" voiced another man.

"The smell!" hollered a short woman who got the full blast right in the face.

"Sorry," Squiggy managed to say. He tried to wriggle an arm free for his patented eye gouge, but he was pinned. There wasn't anything else to do so he bit Mule on the nose.

"Aye!" Mule said. "You's bitin my nose!"

Squiggy growled to increase the effect. It seemd to work as Mule released the bearhug.

"That ain't fair fighting!" Mule said. "Biting a man on the dadgummed nose!"

"I don't fight fair," Squiggy said. He noticed some motion off to the side. "Yer daddy's leaving."

"I ain't fallin for that!" Mule said. He smiled and turned around to look at the crowd, expecting them to honor his brilliance for not falling for that obvious trap. As he did, Mule saw that his father was leaving. "Daddy!"

It was just for a second, but the opportunity Squiggy wanted. He grabbed one of the barstools and was starting to swing it.

"No, Squiggy!" a woman shouted. He looked around to see who hollered at him, saw her standing in the crowd, fighting to come toward him and Squiggy dropped the barstool.

"I'll be danged," he said.

Chapter 43

Chapter 41

Squiggy about came unglued. Mule had just wasted a full beer by dropping it. Now there was glass and spilled beer all over the floor under them and Mule appeared to be under some kind of spell.

"Dang, Mule! You spilled a beer!" That was a high crime to Squiggy. You didn't waste a beer in his presence. After all, that was another one he could have drunk.

Mule continued to stare at the man over by the bathroom. Squiggy turned around to see what the big deal was with the guy. He was an older man with long and stringy brown hair that didn't look like it had been washed since Clinton was president. He wore a blue button-up shirt with the sleeves cut off at the shoulders. His shirt was unbuttoned about halfway down, revealing some cheap-looking necklace.

The man's eyes were round and full. He had a nose that was too big for his face and a cleft chin. He was slowly drinking a beer and looking back at them. The woman next to him was bad. A large woman with poofy hair. She was bad enough Squiggy wouldn't even pursue her if it was after midnight.

Squiggy waved his hand in front of Mule, not that it seemed to do any good. "Hey!" Still no reaction. "Mule, you homo!"

Squiggy pushed on his friend's arm but couldn't get his attention. He shrugged and turned his attention back to the beer and the dance floor. He might be out of action down there, but it couldn't keep him from enjoying the wiggling out courtesy of the dancers.

Every few minutes, he would look at Mule to make sure his friend was still breathing. He always was, but still stared at the man. Finally, Squiggy had enough. He got down from his stool and walked toward the bathroom. He approached the table where the man and woman were sitting.

"Move it, blimp," he said. The woman grunted and moved over. "Hey, you know that feller over there?"

The man looked at Mule. There might have been a touch of recognition, but Squiggy wasn't sure. The man shrugged. He opened his mouth and revealed what Squiggy considered to be crack teeth. Most of the teeth were missing. The few that were left were nothing more than stubs. His breath almost burned Squiggy's nostril hairs.

"Whoo, dude!" Squiggy said. "Ever heard of mouthwash?"

The man nodded but thankfully kept his mouth open. Squiggy could see the man's skin was rough and his face covered with blackheads, especially the nose.

He dug in his pocket and came up with a mint. "Stick this in yer mouth, smelly, and come over here with me."

The man stuck the mint in his mouth and swallowed it, like that would help with the bad breath. He grabbed his beer, stood and started following Squiggy. The man was huge, standing almost a foot above Squiggy, even though he was a little stooped while walking. He followed Squiggy over to the table.

With every approaching step, Mule looked more frightened. He was scooting back away from the table and his mouth was open. Squiggy sat back down in his stool. The man was standing next to him, staring at Mule.

"Sit down," Squiggy said. The man started to sit next to Squiggy. "Not so dang close. I don't wanna have to smell you. Get over in that chair."

The man followed Squiggy's direction and sat in the chair closest to Mule. The woman approached the table and tried to climb up on the bar stool. She was apparently stuck with her ample buttocks stuck approximately six inches from Squiggy's face.

At first, Squiggy didn't notice the woman's rear in his face. When he did, the Squigster was not happy. "Crapfire! Get that fat arse outta my face! My gosh! I'm gonna have nightmares!"

It was bad enough that she had her rear lodged so close to his face, but she also appeared to have a serious wedgie.

"Help me!" said the woman.

"Bullcrap!" Squiggy said. "I ain't touchin that thing."

The woman finally gave up on climbing Mount Bar Stool and climbed down. She almost stumbled and fell back toward Squiggy, who was almost knocked out of his bar stool.

"Watch what you's doin, blimp!" he said.

"Sorry," she said. The woman smiled and Squiggy saw she had lost most of one of her front tooth.

"Man, that's gross," said Squiggy.

"What is?"

"You."

The woman nodded and looked down at the table. There were several beers on the table. She looked at them and licked her lips. She even had a fat tongue, Squiggy noticed.

"Can I get me one of them there beers?" she asked.

"Nope. Go get yer own."

"I ain't got no money."

"Get Brad Pitt over there to buy you one," Squiggy said, pointing at the man who was exchanging stares and no conversation with Mule.

"He won't." She leaned closer to Squiggy, like she wanted to share a secret.

"Back off!" Squiggy said and held a hand out.

"Sorry," she said. "He ain't got no money."

That was not a surprise to Squiggy. The man looked like he had not worked in years. "Y'all got a starin contest going on?"

The two men turned to look at Squiggy, then returned to looking at each other. He caught the woman reaching for a beer.

"You still wantin one?" he said. The woman nodded. Squiggy handed over a bottle from the middle of the table. "You can have this one."

The woman smiled, revealing the bad tooth and took a swig. As soon as it hit her lips, she spit it back out, all over the front of her shirt. "That ain't beer! What was that?"

Squiggy was about to bust a gut. He had slid her his spit bottle and she had taken a big swig. This was almost too good. If only somebody had else had seen it!

"That ain't right!" she said, wiping some of the tobacco juice off her chin with the back of her hand. "I oughta kick your scrawny butt!"

Squiggy giggled. "Yeah, you and what army?"

"That army," she said and pointed at a table over in the far corner. Four men were sitting there, huge guys with arms the size of tree trunks. They all had long beards and wore overalls. "They's my brothers!"

She started walking in their direction. Squiggy knew he had to think fast. "Hey, hold up there." The woman turned around. "Sorry bout you drinking my spit. Here, I'll get you a beer."

The woman returned back to the table and once again started climbing the stool. "Gimme a hand!"

"I'll give you a beer but I ain't touching that thing," Squiggy said.

"Guess I'll have to tell my brothers what you said about them."

"I didn't say nothing about them!"

"They won't know that. Gimme a hand!"

Squiggy slowled moved his hand out and placed it on the woman's rather ample right butt cheek. He gave a shove and the woman was able to climb up on the stool.

"Now that wasn't all that bad, was it?" she said.

Squiggy scooted his stool away. "Mule, let's go!"

Mule looked at his friend and then back at the man, who returned the stare. Squiggy was extremely bored. Now, his buddy was locked up in a staring contest and this immense creature was sitting next to him. Squiggy usually could care less what people thought, but he certainly didn't want anybody to think he was with her.

Squiggy got down from his chair and walked over to Mule. "I'm leaving, dude."

He started to walk away. Mule reached out and grabbed him by the shirt. "It's...it's my..."

He was stuck, unable to get the next word out. Squiggy slapped him on the back and the word came out, one he never expected to hear.

Chapter 42

Chapter 40

Mule was worried about his friend. He had never seen Squiggy this upset. "What happened?"

Squiggy stared at the beer sitting in front of him for several seconds before responding. "It didn't work!"

"What didn't work?"

"My thing."

Mule frowned. This didn't make any sense to him. "What thing you talking about?"

Squiggy leaned over toward Mule so his face was approximately an inch away. He looked very intense. "My unit didn't work!"

It just so happened that a strange quietness settled over the Last Call right before Squiggy mentioned very loudly about his appendage not working. Thus, a good portion of the people gathered in their vicinity heard about his problem.

Squiggy realized that he had said that a little too loud and looked around to see people staring at him. "It's just a temporary state of affliction! Mule let the dadgummed doctor remove my right nut without my permission!"

"Doctor said it was smushed!" Mule added. They were again arguing about the removal of Squiggy's testicle to a group of onlookers who thought this was very interesting.

"Never got no second opinion!" Squiggy said.

"That ain't right!" a cowboy at the next table said. "I'd probably shoot anybody who took one of my boys."

"Squiggy, are you gonna live?" asked a butt-ugly, fat blonde sitting at a table by herself.

"Ugh," Squiggy said after looking at her. "Yep, probably."

"Okay, but if you need any company, please let me know!"

"I ain't that ill."

She nodded and turned her attention back to the dance floor, dreaming of doing a two-step with some redneck wearing tight Wranglers with one of them little butts.

Squiggy shivered. Thankfully most of the people were going back to their own business.

"I said I was sorry and give you a present," Mule said.

"I know, it's just wrong, Mule! Wrong, I say!"

"I can guarantee you that from now on if you ever need a nut took out, I don't care if that thing's mauled and your spooge is dripping out, I ain't gonna give nobody permission to take it out."

"My what's dripping out?"

"Yer spewie."

"Why the crap would my spewie be dripping out if my last nut's been mauled?"

"I don't know that it would. I'm just using that as an example."

"Ain't a very good example. I'm about to yack."

"Sorry," Mule said. He handed Squiggy a beer. "We still buds?"

"Course. I'm rightly pee'd off at you, but you's still my best bud."

Mule smiled. His eyes were starting to water. That was one of the nicest things anybody had ever said to him. "What happened with the deer chick?"

Squiggy shook his head. It was obviously a painful moment, which made Mule want to hear it even worse. "Well, we head out to my truck and get in," Squiggy said. "I ain't even in the seat and Fawn's already naked!"

Mule was in awe. "You didn't have to try and take none of her clothes off first?"

"Naw, she did it all on her own."

"Wow!"

"Yeah, I thought it was cool."

Mule grabbed his beer. His hand was shaking so bad he had to put it back down. "What happened then?"

"Well, I looked at her and she was hot, Mule! One fine looking filly! Her hoots were a little small but they was fine. No sag or nothing."

"Man! I like them boobs like that. So was they like the size of an orange or watermelon?"

"Watermelon?"

"Yeah, how big was they?"

"I just said they wasn't all that big, you doofus. I'd say an orange, I guess. It ain't like I had a fruit there with me to compare em with."

Mule didn't like being called a "doofus" and was a little upset, but was too interested in the story to complain. "Go ahead, Squiggy!"

Squiggy took a drink of beer. "She was on me like stink on a turd, dude! She was practically tearing my clothes off and kissing me everwhere!"

"Everwhere?"

"Well, not everwhere. A lot of places, okay?"

Mule nodded. He gestured for Squiggy to continue.

"So she takes my shirt off and pulls my britches and drawers off and..."

"Was she a little disappointed?"

"In what?"

"Nothing...never mind."

"She tries to get my thing going and it's like my willie was dead! It was dreadful!"

"Dadgum! That'd suck!"

"It did! Fawn messed with it for several minutes but it was like all the power was outta my thing. Like somebody flicked the switch off and I couldn't turn it back on!"

"What did she say?"

"She cursed for the most part."

"That wasn't nice," Mule said.

"I didn't think it was."

"So what happened?"

"After a few minutes, she gave up. We got dressed and came back in the bar."

"At least you saw her naked!"

"Yep," Squiggy said and actually smiled. "Nice!"

They sat around drinking beer for the next hour or so. For some reason, several hot chicks kept coming up and hitting on Squiggy. He lost count at five. They were not your usual bar hides, either. Prime meat stuff. The kind that usually wouldn't give him the time of day.

After the last one left, a young girl who looked like a model, Squiggy shook his head. "We best be going, Mule. I'm gonna have nightmares about this night forever."

"It ain't midnight yet, Squiggy. Don't you wanna see the new year in?"

"Not really, but I'll hang out for you. How come you ain't got your usual sluts hanging around?"

"I told em that I was gonna have to keep you company tonight and they'd have to get serviced elsewhere."

Squiggy nodded. That was the mark of a true friend. He was looking at this chick on the dance floor when he saw a man staring back at them. He was a large man, a little older, sitting at a table with some scuzzy woman.

Squiggy whopped Mule on the arm. "Hey, do you know that guy over there staring at us?"

Mule was about to take a drink. When he saw the man, the bottle slipped out of his hand, hit the table and crashed to the floor, scattering glass.

Chapter 41